Arts, Mistakes, Rant, Review, Television

LOST, or How Good People Watch Bad Television

ryanbestOkay, so apparently I can’t do jack shit (literally what I do) without hearing about LOST. I haven’t heard anyone talk about that giant pile of shit TV show since May, and I liked it. I can deal with hearing about how many dicks any man would suck to be (in) Jack Bauer, because I’ve never seen it and frankly I’ve never been asked to do so.

Let it be said that during my vacation in Vancouver, I spent 24 hours in a drunken, buffalo wing, big mac box ridden LOST stupor. The person I was staying with made me watch the pilot, and it didn’t stop until season 1 was over. I’m pretty sure season 2 had just ended the month prior, but I didn’t have any episodes to watch. I have only seen the first season of LOST and not one second more. I came out of that day hungover, confused and empty. Within those 24 hours I was confronted with more questions than I could possibly handle and little to no answers, not even for my own behavior. I couldn’t stop and to this day, I can’t find one reason why. I want that day back more than anything in my life. More than say… another season of The Wire.

Now there’s some shit that ‘revolutionized television’. Omar Little cured my homophobia single-handedly. It had cohesive story lines, intriguing characters, answered questions, and an absolute lack of smoking polar bear monsters or whatever the fuck you creeps are talking about today by the water cooler. I hate you, each and every one of you. You pigs. It’s like JJ Abrams ran out of a TV show three years ago and keeps making up wild shit. You remember when characters on sitcoms in the 90s used to describe the video game they were playing and it sounded ridiculous? “I have three more rabbit keys to get into the frog mansion” type shit? Yeah, thats what you sound like when you’re talking about LOST, you outrageous assholes.

I don’t even remember where the fuck I was going with this, I am now breaking shit because I am so angry.

In closing:

John Locke is no longer a British Empiricist. He is now a fully recovered paraplegic.

Randicus

3 thoughts on “LOST, or How Good People Watch Bad Television”

  1. It is interesting that you say Omar Little cured you of your homophobia. I heard it was a brawny, bearded guy named Ira in the back seat of his PT Cruiser. Cured indeed.

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