Have you ever been around someone with small children before? All they can talk about is how smart and adorable their spawn is. “Oh! Little Johnny just shit his pants! Isn’t that the cutest thing ever??!!” or “Oh! Little Suzy is having a tantrum in the middle of a nice restaurant! What a cuddle bug!”
Well, I’m here to let everyone with children know this one simple fact: Your children suck.
Why do I hate your kids so much, you ask? Well, I’ve prepared a full presentation complete with slides. Here we go:
1. Your Child is Not a Prodigy Simply Because It Can Draw Squiggly Lines
People with kids constantly display artwork that looks like shit, claiming their child to be the next non-bipolar Van Gogh. You know what that picture looks like to me? Like a potato with arms and legs.
“Good job, Billy; we better alert RISD admissions because you’re so fucking creative!” Now, I understand the argument that you have to encourage children or they’ll never be successful/special/decent human beings, blah blah blah. But I don’t care about what the hell your kids draw. I’m not the one who should encourage them.
From now on, if I see one more piece of artwork drawn by a kid that looks like an ass, I’m going to tell the kid exactly what it looks like. “I can’t tell what this is, you little bastard. You suck at art and life in general. Your best chances flew out the window after the third trimester.” For further examples of why your child’s artwork sucks, please see Maddox.xmission.com.
2. Everything I Want to Enjoy in Silence is Usually Ruined By a Child
Restaurants, airplane trips, bus rides, train rides, movie theaters, Yes, I said movie theaters. Just this past week I took a Super Dudes Power Road Trip to Chicago and decided to see the Sear’s Tower (or actually, the Willis Tower, if you’re that much of a douche bag).
Before you go up to the 103rd floor, you get to enjoy a brief and outdated film about how the tower was built, and random useless facts you don’t care about. Now, even if the movie was sort of lame, I still wanted to see it because I paid my money.
However, some bitch had decided to bring a baby, who:
One; will never remember doing this anyway, and two; is going to be cranky because it doesn’t understand why its ears are popping. The entire time during the movie, the baby decided to screech in a non-human banshee-style. Instead of taking the baby out of the room and not disturb everyone else like someone with common sense and some couth would do, she decides to just ignore it.
What the fuck?! I did not just spend thirteen dollars to hear your broken condom scream its head off for twenty fucking minutes. Everyone in the theater was doing the angry turnaround and still this bitch doesn’t get it. Why should I have to suffer because you decided to pop out a demon child?
Children are YOUR burden, not mine! If I wanted my dinner, plane ride, movie, etc. ruined by a screeching imbecile, I would have invited Rosie O’Donnell with me instead.
3. Children are Wild and Often Uncontrolled by Their Parents in Public
This could almost go with the tantrum spiel, but for the most part, when kids are doing this they’re not crying or upset. Have you ever been to a store or public place where there’s a kid running wild, bumping in to people, and being a general asshole while its parents look on as if to say, “What can you do?”
I’ll tell you what you can do! Smack the little fucker until it behaves! Also, as soon as the kid hurts itself, you know the parents are going to blame everyone but themselves! “I’m suing this department store for thinking I’m smart enough to discipline and watch my own children!” I ask you, who is the more retarded individual? The child, or the parent? I think it’s a two-way tie.
4. People Think That Once They Have Children, All of Society Loses Their Freedom of Speech
When you bring your kid out in public, you need to take into account the way other people live their lives and speak. Just because I’m in the vicinity of a “precocious” six-year old does not mean I’m going to limit the amount of time I say “fuck.” I should not have to change my lifestyle because you think children should be sheltered from the real world, specifically in public.
It’s my right as an American (get out the flag and start torturing terrorists!) to say whatever I damn well please. So fuck you, you fucking fuck and your fucking little bastards…damn it!
Well there you have it. That should be enough reasons for anyone to see that kids are horrible little monsters. Unfortunately, there is no real solution, besides mass serialization, that will solve the child epidemic. Stupid people will always breed stupid kids. It’s a shame, really. In the meantime, I’ll keep taking birth control pills and hope for the best!