Arts, Charity, Irrationality, Mistakes, Purchases, Rant, Special Guest Blogger

Why Your Kids Suck

michellesHave you ever been around someone with small children before? All they can talk about is how smart and adorable their spawn is. “Oh! Little Johnny just shit his pants! Isn’t that the cutest thing ever??!!” or “Oh! Little Suzy is having a tantrum in the middle of a nice restaurant! What a cuddle bug!”

Well, I’m here to let everyone with children know this one simple fact: Your children suck.

Why do I hate your kids so much, you ask? Well, I’ve prepared a full presentation complete with slides. Here we go:

1. Your Child is Not a Prodigy Simply Because It Can Draw Squiggly Lines

People with kids constantly display artwork that looks like shit, claiming their child to be the next non-bipolar Van Gogh. You know what that picture looks like to me? Like a potato with arms and legs.

“Good job, Billy; we better alert RISD admissions because you’re so fucking creative!” Now, I understand the argument that you have to encourage children or they’ll never be successful/special/decent human beings, blah blah blah. But I don’t care about what the hell your kids draw. I’m not the one who should encourage them.


From now on, if I see one more piece of artwork drawn by a kid that looks like an ass, I’m going to tell the kid exactly what it looks like. “I can’t tell what this is, you little bastard. You suck at art and life in general. Your best chances flew out the window after the third trimester.” For further examples of why your child’s artwork sucks, please see

2. Everything I Want to Enjoy in Silence is Usually Ruined By a Child

Restaurants, airplane trips, bus rides, train rides, movie theaters, Yes, I said movie theaters. Just this past week I took a Super Dudes Power Road Trip to Chicago and decided to see the Sear’s Tower (or actually, the Willis Tower, if you’re that much of a douche bag).

Before you go up to the 103rd floor, you get to enjoy a brief and outdated film about how the tower was built, and random useless facts you don’t care about. Now, even if the movie was sort of lame, I still wanted to see it because I paid my money.

However, some bitch had decided to bring a baby, who:

One; will never remember doing this anyway, and two; is going to be cranky because it doesn’t understand why its ears are popping. The entire time during the movie, the baby decided to screech in a non-human banshee-style. Instead of taking the baby out of the room and not disturb everyone else like someone with common sense and some couth would do, she decides to just ignore it.

What the fuck?! I did not just spend thirteen dollars to hear your broken condom scream its head off for twenty fucking minutes. Everyone in the theater was doing the angry turnaround and still this bitch doesn’t get it. Why should I have to suffer because you decided to pop out a demon child?

Children are YOUR burden, not mine! If I wanted my dinner, plane ride, movie, etc. ruined by a screeching imbecile, I would have invited Rosie O’Donnell with me instead.


3. Children are Wild and Often Uncontrolled by Their Parents in Public

This could almost go with the tantrum spiel, but for the most part, when kids are doing this they’re not crying or upset. Have you ever been to a store or public place where there’s a kid running wild, bumping in to people, and being a general asshole while its parents look on as if to say, “What can you do?”

I’ll tell you what you can do! Smack the little fucker until it behaves! Also, as soon as the kid hurts itself, you know the parents are going to blame everyone but themselves! “I’m suing this department store for thinking I’m smart enough to discipline and watch my own children!” I ask you, who is the more retarded individual? The child, or the parent? I think it’s a two-way tie.


4. People Think That Once They Have Children, All of Society Loses Their Freedom of Speech

When you bring your kid out in public, you need to take into account the way other people live their lives and speak. Just because I’m in the vicinity of a “precocious” six-year old does not mean I’m going to limit the amount of time I say “fuck.” I should not have to change my lifestyle because you think children should be sheltered from the real world, specifically in public.

It’s my right as an American (get out the flag and start torturing terrorists!) to say whatever I damn well please. So fuck you, you fucking fuck and your fucking little bastards…damn it!

PhotobucketWell there you have it. That should be enough reasons for anyone to see that kids are horrible little monsters. Unfortunately, there is no real solution, besides mass serialization, that will solve the child epidemic. Stupid people will always breed stupid kids. It’s a shame, really. In the meantime, I’ll keep taking birth control pills and hope for the best!


32 thoughts on “Why Your Kids Suck”

  1. It’s also the parents who can’t watch the little abortions that got away. Where I work I have to deal with bratty kids and more importantly their retard parents. Some people just shouldn’t be allowed to procreate. I love the artwork by the way 😛 Scary part is Dave actually owns a gun…time to replace his bullets with marshmallows….

  2. Im working in a hotel right now, and am reading other peoples experiences with the unfortunately born…. Because I have a bunch of redneck idiot fucks and their retard fuck loads running around grunting like dying pigs and eating even worse. Only thing saving me from quitting my job, is watching these children repeatedly hurt themselves and having a quiet laugh to myself. I hate children more then you, possibly….

    Anyhow, murder is illegal….

    Abortion should be inforced.

    Im going to go smoke a cigarette and hope the fucking building burns down…. I plan on locking them in, if i see smoke.


  3. That’s good stuff,I fucking hate kids too and am sick of having to compromise and give up good moments because of them. As much as I hate kids I think wishing death on them is a bit too much for me,I consider myself a fucked up and sick person but each one of us as a human being has to draw the line somewhere.

  4. I’m not point any fingers at anyone here about the wishing death on kids part,and also I too think that killing a kid is going too far.

  5. “I’m not point any fingers at anyone here about the wishing death on kids part,and also I too think that killing a kid is going too far.”

    LOL! Abortion isn’t murder before the third trimester. Before then, there is no way the kid could survive without the mother, in other words, it’s basically a symbiotic organ of the mother.

  6. Meh, #4 I disagree with. Freedom of speech or no, it gets pretty old having to listen to people who can’t speak English, let alone have to say “like” or “fuck” every other sentence.

  7. Love it! Love it! Love it! I live in Hicksville, VA, where the only accomplishment these losers have is reproducing. They even put it on their license plates, the # of little assholes they have, how many boys, girls, etc. Wow! Fucking without being bright enough to figure out how to use birth control takes real talent. I have always hated kids since I was 4, and my little bitch of a cousin was born.
    Something I real love to do when parents aren’t around to watch, and some little dumb fucker is putting on it’s act to get attention, which usually pulls oohs and ahhs from adults, is to just throw them a look of pure loathing. Also , when a kid is throwing a fit in a store, to make a psycho face at it, and then immediately return to normal before anyone sees. It really messes with their little egos! Love it!

  8. I can’t stand kids either. I hate when they stare. I’ve flicked a few the bird. Doubt if they understood what “the bird” meant, but it felt good, especially knowing the parents weren’t looking. An epic win of an event, though, was when some dumb kid was staring in a restaurant window at us when we were eating. My stepfather turned to the kid and exposed a mouthful of chewed-up hummus and pita. The kid took off running. Ha ha ha! I almost had to resort to a “see-food” when a little condom malfunction stood near my table to watch me eat. Fortunately for him, the dad guided his attention toward the desserts.

    Keep ranting away! 🙂

  9. Kids are a constant source of irritation for me too. I really don’t understand why so many people like/love kids. I mean, how can miniature people who are totally destructive, irresponsible, rude, loud and disgusting be so popular? What the hell is cute or charming about them? And why are children so precious? Kids are people, just humans who aren’t full grown yet. That’s all. There is nothing miraculous about getting pregnant and popping out a child. Why do people congratulate new parents as if they actually accomplished something super fantastic? “Wow, you two had sex without using birth control and had a kid! Congratulations! It’s a miracle!” Ummm, not really. Even the lowest forms of life on this planet can breed. I’m not giving anyone a pat on the back for accomplishing the biological equivalent of taking a shit. I also hate it when parents assume everyone in the whole world loves children just as much as they do. I’m not sure who is more annoying, kids or their self-centered, narrow minded idiot parents.

  10. I agree. Kids are stupid little monsters who need to act like adults and need to have no joy in life until they are 18. They should all be murdered because I’m an adult and I deserve the best without kids acting like kids.

  11. I feel exactly the same way! I had to show this to my husband so we could high five after reading. I have never wanted kids and always felt kids sucked AND sucked the life out of you and everyone around them. Keep on ranting!! Luv it!!

  12. the hate you guys have for kids is abnormal, try and remember that you were all kids once too. I don’t personally like kids or plan on having any but the obvious time and energy yous guys put into hating them is just plain weird.

    some of you seem to have mental problems. I’d look into that

  13. Nice piece dude. I’ve actually realized that the reason kids suck so much is because of their parents. Firstly, these fucktards are too dumb to understand the concept of contraception or even abortion. Secondly, these morons are too damn guilt-ridden they can’t set limits for their spawn. As a result, they realize that parenting is hard and decide to be their kids friends, bending over backwards for their every whim. They can’t teach their “little angels” proper behavior and it makes me wanna puke.

  14. Come on Franny, the whole “you were kids once too” rationale is bullshit. Yeah, I was a kid once … then I grew up, and realized that most kids are shit, period. I’m sharing an apartment with a couple who spawned the fucking new queen of hell–pulls conniption fits all day every day screaming like a bloody harpy. Trust me, I have massive reserves of hate for kids, and I’m quite confident that hatred is justified; don’t patronize us for having an agreement here.

  15. Love this. Hate kids. Getting snipped ASAP. But really, I think I hate parents more than kids. Kids didn’t ask to be born, and they have to pay for their idiot parents’ mistakes forever. Still, 99% of kids are assholes, and of that number, I bet an equal number of their parents are fuck-ups as well. !Viva la contraception!

  16. I agree with the last 2 comments. It is the parents’ fault for sure, atleast 80% of the people that do have kids have no idea how to raise them, and the ones that do get branded a horrible parent if they lay a finger or even raise their voice at their child nowadays.

    I was a kid once, but I wasn’t as braindead as the kids these days but again that comes back to the parents and updated laws. It isn’t the kids fault, but that doesn’t make them any less unbearable.

  17. Everyone is talking about how much they loathe children but its the parents I want to kill. Kids will be kids and therefore it is the PARENTS job to teach them respect, good behavior, manners, and that the world does NOT revolve around them.

    People have no idea what structure and discipline is. I live with it. I will never room with someone who has a child again. EVER. Because the little inmate is running the asylum and his parents are too dumb to realize it.

    Another thing I hate that this blog sort of touched on is why the hell do people think that once they have kids, those of us who do not have kids should be responsible for them?? NO. That is YOUR Brat. YOU do what YOU need to do. Don’t ask me to watch your stupid kid. Take them with you everywhere you go, cook for them, help them with their hw, etc. DO NOT ask me to do it for you. If I wanted to be responsible for a child I’d have some of my own by now.

  18. As a father of 2 boys I think I have really good insight on how fucking retarded kids are. My kids, their classmates and all the other little fucktards that roam the streets of southeast Portland are incredibly obnoxious. Bewtween their ungratefull attitudes and sheer lack common sense it’s amazing that these little boogers can survive long enough to even reach adulthood. It dosen’t matter how much you give them, it’s never enough, it dosen’t matter how much you teach them, they never learn. The only things these snot nosed little shits care about is themselves. Selfish, annoying, filthy little creatures.
    My kids were no accident, they were planned. I don’t pander to them, I treat them like they’re not stupid, I talk to them like I would talk to an adult, but it doesn’t matter because in the end they’re still stupid little obnoxious kids. I just hope that they don’t grow up to be stupid obnoxious adults, and to make sure of this I devoloped a parenting technique called “foot to ass”. Whenever they get mouthy and step out of line I put “foot to ass”. It seriously fucking works when it comes time to putting these little shitbags in check.

  19. I don’t hate kids but there are days where I could. I teach the little shits. AND YES kids today are so ungrateful, obnoxious, loud and bratty it blows my mind. Now the kid is obnoxious but it’s the parent who should be blamed. Kids are like dogs, you have to train them when their young or they’ll piss all over you (literally and figuratively).

    Unfortunately as many posters have noted, many parents today are so permissive and afraid to discipline their brats (mostly from having shitty childhoods themselves) that they let them get away with murder and say nary a word except to teachers, administrators or child care workers, lumping insult onto (daily kid inflicted) injury.

  20. I get that kids are real life and a parents responsibility which can get overwhelming.

    It sounds like a bunch of bitter old people who forgot themselves as a kid and also People who don’t have kids, OR people who don’t have the parenting skills to use to enjoy their kids, so they just sit in their filth of pitty and hate.
    I would like to interview your kid in 20 years to hear how the feel about U.

  21. Teachdude. Everyone has bad days and hates the world around them. You probably sound like your elders now “blah blah kids today are so ungratfull…in my time i could never…blah blah” Your taking one or two kids that piss you off and then blaming them all. Get a new job you bitter fart. they are smarter than you think, and you think you are training them like dogs…your funny. Get a new job

  22. Ha! This is great. What ever happened to the idea that children should be seen and not heard? I am so sick of idiot people saying how their idiot kid is so “smart.” What really makes me mad is when parents just laugh at their kid’s retard behavior, thereby encouraging the kid to keep behaving retardedly and pissing people off around them. These days parents are like, “Oh! Ha ha ha! Look at little Johnny, banging on the piano! Isn’t that so funny? Ha ha ha.” NO, BITCH! Little Johnny is not going to grow up to be Mozart and he is annoying the fuck out of everyone around him! Blahhh! I wish more parents read this blog.

    I do realize that I was a kid once, too. But my parents didn’t let me behave like a little retard and annoy everyone around me. I got spanked if I was being annoying and I turned out fine. Aaaand, I still have a great relationship with my parents. I plan on raising my kids the same way. Let’s just hope no one criticizes me for not letting my kids “be kids” or else I might just flip my shit. I also vow to never brag about how “smart” or how “adorable” my kid is. Newsflash to parents: NO ONE GIVES A SHIT! I think that parents should save their kids a lot of trouble by not telling them that they’re “special.” Let’s face it, the kid is going to grow up and realize that he is just mediocre like 99.9% of the population and then feel like shit. Furthermore, the kid is going to grow up and realize that no one else besides his parents think he’s special or even give a shit about him. So instead of smiling and laughing at your kid’s retarded behavior, just tell him to STFU and stop annoying the adults around him!

    Oh, and one more thing- just because you’re a parent, doesn’t mean you’ve accomplished jack squat in life. It just means that you had sex and your body functions normally. As the other guy said in this blog, “it’s the biological equivalent of taking a shit.” Sooner or later, people’s kids are going to grow up to be idiots just like their parents.

  23. The person how wrote this a bitch. Everybody here saying kids suck is a bitch. You all were kids to start of! Its not the kids, its the parents. My mom left the house when i was 4 or 5. Did it make me angry? Yes. I will say i was was weird and annoying when I was 3-7 , but am i now? No. So look people. They are kids! You may say they suck and are not mature, but its because of there parents. bad parents = bad kid. I’m sure lots of kids are reading this and getting angry or upset. So if you see any kids crying, SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT THEM! If you are still like you are now, go fuck yourself.

  24. More annoying than kids are the parents! They’re retards with no lives of their own and all they have to talk about are their kids and they’re stupid sports that no one else actually gives a fuck about. If there is one thing I hate about my job it’s working with parents that expect me find it adorable every time they talk about their kids. Get a fucking life, I’m a teenager I don’t give a shit about your kids.

  25. I just read this to my tween and teen and they were laughing their heads off. They used to be one of the kids you hated! LOL because one of them has Asperger’s. Yea I used to be just like you before I had my ONE CHILD (the other is a step) not until you actually have one will anyone truly understand. However, there are stupid parents who don’t have common sense and that’s not their kids fault…that is the parents fault.

  26. Oh and I agree with Matt about Mike…geez Mike take a chill pill you really think no one thinks this way who does not have kids? I did and karma showed me not to speak ill of parents and their demon children again 🙂 KARMA is the bitch and you don’t have to be so angry and bitter because others have a voice that does not agree with yours. Besides it is not always the parents who make the kids demons, it can also be a disorder or mental issue. In any case I think everyone should have their opinions but don’t judge until you know the full story.

    And amber your right, why would a teenager want to know about adults kids. Your still a kid yourself, those parents showing you their little demons are the ones without common sense. Not all parents are like that; I don’t talk about my kids or show pictures unless someone asks. I hate it as well when parents go on and on about their kids and show never ending pictures. Some people are just delusional.


    A parent who sucks! LOL

  27. I am so glad you people understand what I think as well. (I thought I was the only one!) I’m still what can be considered a ‘kid’, but, I’ve been extremely mature from the moment I could speak English. These little, putrid, disgusting monsters from the dark abyss which all females have disturb me. And the parents? Don’t even get me started. The way they treat dinky, under-grown homo sapiens pisses me off. I consrantly have the urge to beat the shit out of every single whining bastard I hear in a store.

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