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What Ever Happened to the Heroes? Part 2

(Continued from Part 1)

Without procrastinating too much longer, let’s dive right into the heat of the ultimately worthless life of the real-world superhero. Many of these individuals are genuinely attempting to do something good; but the world is full of real violence and horror–the likes of which none of these glorified Mummers have ever experienced.

The dream is novel, but without them possessing actual superhuman abilities, I’d rather not have a flamboyant human target defending fucking anyone!

From a list of well-over 100 ridiculous non-heroes, here are some of the most entertaining.

Superhero

Powers do not include Creativity.
Powers do not include Creativity.

It seemed only natural to start with a ‘Real Life Super Hero’ who actually adopted the name “Superhero.” That seems a little pretentious, even for a muscle-bound douchebag in a bandanna and spandex who poses next to other people’s cars.

Whitley’s Batman and Robin

Somehow a Middle-Aged Boy Wonder seems wrong...
Somehow a Middle-Aged 'Boy Wonder' seems wrong...

This embarrassing, copyright infringing duo is said to defend Whitley, England by “helping stranded motorists” and “fighting light crime.” I wonder what the reaction is when it turns out that the “Bat-Mobile” is a grey Van with no back windows.

Nostrum

I dont want my superhero to be waving at a webcam.
I don't want my superhero to be waving at a webcam.

Looking more like a 1920’s bank robber than a Super Hero, Nostrum is said to defend the mean streets of Louisiana from all kinds of crime; however, this grainy photo suggests to me that perhaps he’s simply gone missing. It looks like the kind of photo that gets captioned: “Adult Male was last seen roaming around neighborhoods dressed like a fucking assclown.”

Entomo

Somehow makes Spider-man look straight
Somehow makes Spider-man look straight

Typically, when Superheroes are ‘born,’ they had been subjected to some kind of accident or freak occurrence which caused them to develop bug-like powers. No one in their right mind would choose to have a bug’s abilities. This guy roams the streets of Italy holding out hope that someone will eventually take him seriously as the fly in Crime’s Italian Wedding Soup.

Perhaps a better decision would have been to call himself “The Bee.” His power would be committing suicide as soon as he attacks his first bad guy.

Zetaman

Greek Translation: The very last person youd want to call.
Greek Translation: "The very last person you'd want to call."

A member of a Superhero Activist Team called The Alternates, Zetaman’s self-affirmed super-human abilities include First Aid, CPR, and “handing things out.” This may seem very similar to the repertoire of the average Cub Scout; however Zetaman has his own comic book, flashlight/megaphone gun (..or something), and–hey–at least he doesn’t have to take public transpor—fuck

Amazonia

Honestly, a very visually intimidating dude.
Honestly, a very visually intimidating dude.

Yes, Amazonia is 100% all-natural clenched-fisted woman. As a member of the Florida hypothetical vigilante group, Vixens of Valour, she uses her powers–which are typically reserved for out-drinking men at bars–for the practical purposes of contributing to the inevitable years of therapy that her non-existent children would have been forced to endure.

The Black Monday Society

What upsets me most about The Black Monday Society is that its members (from left to right): Insignis, Ghost, and Oni consist of a kid in his early twenties and two men almost twice his age. These are all adults who should know better; but to be fair, all of these “Real Life Super Heroes” are!

It’s terri-fucking-fying individuals like these that do the public more harm than good and wind up making the Cops’ job even more difficult; dealing with actual crime while making sure these fucktards don’t get themselves killed. Well, this would be true, if there were any actual crime in Layton, Utah.

Red Arrow

...Like the Green Arrow, only...wait...nothing like the Green Arrow.
...Like the Green Arrow, only...wait...nothing like the Green Arrow.

Somewhere in Hong Kong, a lone warrior emerged and is now apparently functioning in the UK. Not much is none about this caped crusader aside from his ridiculous, impractical outfits, paired with the fact that his primary super-power seems to be his ability to direct passersby to local discount sales. The Red Arrow has been known to hand out presents to children on Christmas; but one thing sets him apart from the mythical Santa Claus…he is tragically real.

Terrifica

Keeping Men out of her pants since 1980
Keeping Men out of her pants since 1980

A surprisingly well known heroine, Terrifica made her rounds popping into local bars and aiding women who look like they may be inibriated and in danger of being taken advantage of by men. She carried a utility belt loaded with pepper spray, makeup, and such to fight off potential predators and men looking to hook up with drunk chicks.

One interesting bit of information: At one point Terrifica had an arch-nemesis called Fantastico who was essentially just a costumed douche who went to bars to prey on women just to piss her off. That’s why you cheer for the bad guys.

But, evidently, the World’s most notorious cock-blocker has gone into retirement. I suppose she came to the eventual conclusion that her M.O. paired with her insanely repelling costume wasn’t helping her get laid. After all, sometimes even a cunt needs a dick.

Doktor DiscorD

I think I went to Art College with this guy.
I think I went to Art College with this guy.

Confirmed “active” by National Public Radio, the good ‘Doktor’ of Indiana’s Justice Society of Justice seems like he is involved in a large-scale joke that he simply isn’t quite aware of. They don’t care about mild victimless crimes like drug-use; they’re mainly concerned about the real scary shit that goes on in fucking Indianapolis…

I assume their lax stance on drug crimes indicates that DiscorD and all of his buddies are hitting the wacky-tobaccy. I can’t imagine Batman’s super-suit set up with 3D Glasses and a vanity cane.

Antithesis

The Captain America of the Internets
The Captain America of the Internets

I honestly can’t get past this picture. This has got to be, hands down, the most awesome Real Life Super Hero I’ve ever seen. With a name that literally means “the direct opposite,” I find myself wondering exactly what he may be the opposite of. His current status on his MySpace is:Antithesis Still alive, just got in a bit over my head… and now whatever lead I might have had is gone for good. I apologize for my absence.”

I can only assume that this means he’s been left lying in a gutter somewhere after some kind of inane battle…I mean, what do you expect when your super abilities fall short of “growing a mustache.”

Master Legend

Seen here posing with someone physically unable to walk away.
Seen here posing with someone physically unable to walk away.

When the Real Life Role Players are young, stupid, and full of unfounded hope, I can understand the escapism involved in attempting to become a Superhero…but when the jerk-off is older than your dad, and dead-set on the idea that he is doing the world some kind of monumental fucking favor, it just gets a little sad. The greatest thing that Master Legend has done for society is allowing the kid he’s posing with to be able to say: “Shit, at least I’m better off in life than this douche.”

Tothian

This is what it takes to be a Hero: dick.
This is what it takes to be a Hero: dick.

Patrolling the New York/New Jersey area, Tothian seems to be the closest superhero to Philadelphia…and this scares the shit out of me. He is the founder and former President of the Heroes Network and, yet…somehow…I still can’t force myself to believe that he’s making America safer. In fact, he may be the third worst thing to ever happen to New York, trailing closely behind CATS and September 11.

Zoria and Captain Prospect

Stan Lee presents: The Pussy-Whipped Avenger!
Stan Lee presents: The Pussy-Whipped Avenger!

As the sworn protectors of Washington, DC, the team of Zoria and Captain Prospect announce to the world not only that Halloween and leg-warmers are not over, but also that if you thought your friend was the most pussy-fucking-whipped bro on the planet, you have some apologizing to do. As if it weren’t maddening enough that there’s a hot super heroine out there who has the potential of being severely mentally ill, but she just might have a boyfriend who doesn’t have the testicular fortitude to slap her (or fuck her) out of it.

Polar Man

Id love to meet his arch nemesis...temperate weather?
I'd love to meet his arch nemesis...temperate weather?

One key factor that all of these unbelievable human beings have in common, aside from being completely fucking nuts, is the desire to take crime into their own hands, or, at least–to give their surrounding community the illusion of protection. What exactly is this person trying to prove?

In a world where there are no snow plows, public service officials, volunteers, or citizens with any kind of personal motivation to get out of bed in the morning, we can count on Polar Man to shovel our fucking walkway.

Lupine

The power of a wolf and the appearance of a baby gorilla
The power of a wolf and the appearance of a baby gorilla

Don’t be fooled. That’s not a utility belt, it’s a genuine holster for all of his lunch boxes. I know there are a lot of overweight police officers, fire fighters, and civil servants, but when you look like this, the superhero fantasy is shot to the ground and kicked until it bleeds from the eyes. His mission, as described by his sub-standard MySpace page is to protect and defend helpless animals; which is an unquestionably noble cause.

According to his MySpace profile, he is also married, which leads me to believe that his wife must be the most patient and understanding woman in the entire world. Although, my favorite part of the MySpace page is “Body Type: Some Extra Baggage.” I have a feeling this is appropriate in more ways than one.

Angle Grinder Man

A different breed of psychopath
A different breed of psychopath

Now this is a Super-fucking-hero! Angle Grinder Man is the bane of the Department of Transportation; and in that respect, he is a very complex (almost) anti-hero. He resides in England and travels around (at night, I assume) sawing the metal boots off of cars to liberate those who found themselves behind on paying parking tickets.

In Kent during the week and London on weekends, Angle Grinder Man ensures that no matter if you’ve got 12 DUI’s, 8 Hit and Runs, 4 Counts of driving dangerously above the speed limit, and 2 Counts of parking in front of a fire plug, you will never get rounded up by the powers that may seek to stop your reign of terror. He claims to be revolting against the malaise caused by politicians and a blind adherence to society’s rules; but, perhaps he hasn’t thought his process through entirely.

The World Superhero Registry declares him as “Possibly Retired.” I’m more likely to believe that he’s either dead or being held in some kind of maximum security prison, away from his gigantic tool of destruction in an attempt to continue on with England’s functioning civilization.

The Super Dudes Power Squad

sdps
No real super powers, so we're on the same playing field.

Is it too much to ask for rational, intelligent human beings to get into the field of protecting society? Not that these individuals aren’t passionate or in possession of functioning central nervous systems, but for fuck’s sake…these people are no more “Real Life Super Heroes” than people who play Dungeons & Dragons are Warriors and Elves.

Perhaps an alternative might be for all of these random role players form a motley crew of non-heroes and elect one to stand alone as some kind of ultimate Batman-type. They can all lend their support, know-how, and costume design, and everyone will be happy!

And, sure, the one that is elected would be lacking in any kind of super human ability, common sense, and street smarts. He would throw himself headlong into danger, and inevitably get himself killed, kidnapped, or taken into custody for being a drain on the collective willpower of those who make law enforcement their profession…but, fuck…at least there would only be one of them.

Alex G

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