In retrospect, there are hundreds, if not thousands of divisive and objectively terrible movies that should have never been made…But, until we develop some kind of time machine (and we I will), we have to settle for the morbid reality that most of us won’t live long enough to travel back through history and tell George Lucas to “just fucking stop it!”
What we can do, however, is spend our fleeting moments of useless spare time complaining via the unforgiving Internets about films that we haven’t seen, but have no intention of seeing.
Let me just say, prematurely, that not all of these movies may be terrible. Some of them (but more likely none of them) will be quite good. But for the sake of argument, let’s just agree for the time being that all of the following future-release movies have no business existing…
1. Old Dogs—If you need to put out-of-their-element actors into a stupid family comedy about mid-life crises, Walt Becker, just go ahead and make Wild Hogs 2…oh wait…from 2007-2011 your projects are: Wild Hogs, Old Dogs, and Wild Hogs 2. Well played, Mr. Becker.
2. Aliens in the Attic–Remember Small Soldiers? No? Neither does anyone else. I think this movie has actually been released already, but you’d never know it.
3. Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel–Once there was a nation that, due to having anything productive or intelligent to spend their time with, flocked out to theaters and threw seemingly endless dollars at a shitty Alvin and the Chipmunks movie. This is their punishment.
4. Halloween II–New Rule: Now that Rob Zombie has abandoned everything that he stands for, his next movie must be a romantic comedy. He went out of his way to say that The Devil’s Rejects wasn’t a sequel, it was an entirely new movie featuring the same characters (which was bullshit, it was a sequel). And now he’s stuck on the Halloween route. I’m not saying his first Halloween was terrible, but this is a movie that shouldn’t be fucking made.
5. No Impact Man—While keeping in mind the importance of living an ecologically semi-conservative lifestyle, I can honestly say that this is essentially a documentary about a year in the life of a total dick.
It’s a good thing that his baby daughter is too young to realize how much of a douchebag her daddy is being while he bans cosmetics, television, electricity from the house (while he himself utilizes a fucking film crew to make the film, and a laptop to write his cunty book).
Saving energy and being more efficient is all well and good, but when you use it as an excuse to ban your wife from going to Starbuck’s, it just turns into abuse.
6. The Stepfather—If you thought movies in the 80’s were “fucking awesome,” then go see this campy remake. This shall be a public service announcement for all proponents of “Traditional Marriage” and opponents of divorce.
Why would a divorcee ever get to know someone before marrying them? Or, for that matter, why wouldn’t she notice when he’s moving a series of weapons into a locked closet in the basement of her home? Or, for that matter, why would you waste your time seeing this piece of shit?
Thank you for once again joining me as a tear up movies I know nothing about. Tune in next time when I’ll take you on a blind adventure through World History*.
*This won’t be happening.
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