How BP President, Tony Hayward, isn’t literally going door to door in the Gulf coast offering blowjobs to the locals is beyond me. He is chairman of a company that is single-handedly destroying our planet worse than SEX AND THE CITY 2. SCOOBY-DOO!
And now BP is asking for tax money to help with the situation? I swear, his balls must be so big that they create sparks as they drag on the ground like the tailpipe of an old Chevy. You dumb, small-minded, money-loving mother fucker. This isn’t something that is easily solved with an apology and a Sham-Wow! This is a mess of epic proportion. An estimated 60,000 barrels of oil are being gushed into the gulf everyday. It’s like planet earth is jizzing all over our collective faces in some eco-porn; an “ePorn”, if you will. Except instead of white, protein filled glizz being shot out, it’s black, tar soaked oil. I imagine that’s what Satan’s cum looks like…or Dick Cheney’s. MIGHTY ORBOTS!
I feel like we are the generation that is witnessing the beginning of the end, not just environmentally either, but economically as well. Because now that the gulf looks like the top layer of a chocolate shit cake, the fishermen can’t make a living. So they’re going to go on unemployment and welfare, and that will put a strain on the economy. And eventually we won’t be able to borrow money from ourselves, so we’ll have to start selling off pieces of the country to other nations, state by state.
You might’ve lived in California, but now you’re a citizen of New Japan. Your mom resides in New York? Uh-uh, she’s in New India. Hey there North Dakota, hope you like Hockey cause you’re in New Canada. Yes, Canada owns part of us now! Shalom, Tennessee…that’s right, ya’ll is New Israel. The only state safe is New Mexico…cause they don’t have to change shit. SMURFS!
Actually, that was a trick one. Mexico owns Florida. Why? Cause that’s where the oranges are. DARKWING DUCK!
So what are we to do now? I’ll tell you what we should do.
Look, this ship we call humanity is going down faster than a slutty cheerleader on prom night. SILVERHAWKS! And not just with the oil spill but with war, poverty, spiraling economy, disease, Justin Beiber; it’s becoming hell on earth. I can’t imagine death being any worse.
So I propose we just go down like Sodom and Gomorrah and party like it’s 1999…er, 2010. The Mayans were right people, 2012 is just around the corner and we’re well on our way to oblivion. I mean what’s better? Praying that a solution arises that’ll conveniently save our ass in the last second like a Michael Bay movie, or just accept the obvious and smoke pot, blast our music, party with vuvuzela horns and fuck like rabbits…by that I mean fuck in holes that we dug in the ground. GUMMI BEARS!
And just so you don’t think I’m without optimism, I do hope I’m wrong and that this species we call man will wise up and make some changes quick. I mean I don’t want all of my illigitimate children to grow up without a father AND suffer a global catastrophe.
But if I’m right, well, I’ll see you at the orgy in the Staples Center.
…just my 2 cents.
Love and kisses,
(for more Skippy Greene, visit his website: LickMyBalls.cc)