The SuperDPS Guide to Conspiracy Theories

From the beginning of time, the mentally unstable have turned healthy skepticism and questioning authority into a madhouse of unpredictable, unprovable, and unimaginably nonsensical theories.

The eternal unanswerable question is “Why?” Why would the government fake a moon landing, house alien life forms, cover up the paranormal, or orchestrate a terrorist attack? The reason we don’t know “why,” is simple: because it’s not true.

Reality is a harsh mistress, and the pains and revelations that come with it are even harsher. But let’s suspend reality for a moment and ‘spelunk’ into the deepest caverns of psychotic Conspiracy Theories (after all, if Jesse Ventura believes it, it must be true).

Area 51–Let’s just dive balls-first into this, shall we? It seems that whenever an individual of limited intellectual capacity can’t fathom an easy answer to a question, the result is one of two not-so-different options. Either religion, or conspiracy. Because the government barely acknowledges the existence of this military base/possible testing facility, and the public is allowed no where near it, obviously it must be a cover-up. The film Independence Day mocked this theory with subtle glee, while playing up the wacky fantasy that perhaps the government is hiding information about alien life on Earth…or time traveling robots, or whatever your imagination can dream up.

Bilderberg Group–This is actually a real organization. Unlike the Illuminati or the Stone Cutters, this fraternal order of the rich and influential is legitimate in that its existence is based in the real world. Its purpose and practices, however, are the makings of the conspiracy theorist’s wet dream. The group was created to address concerns about individuals being “Anti-Western World” and to increase trust in an effort towards “unity and peace.” Essentially, it’s a boys’ club–but the “boys” in question are amongst the most powerful and influential people in the world. They don’t control the world, they’re not a secret world government, they’re a bunch of old men having a discussion–like when your Grandpop goes to his American Legion meetings–except, add a couple trillion dollars. It’s easy to develop these “what are they really up to?” feelings towards the unreasonably rich. But no one ever questions the wealthiest Conspiracy pushers about what their real motives are.

ChemTrails–This theory may be one of the more insane and delusional claims made by conspiracy theorists. Simply put, this is the idea that the streaks of condensed water vapor left behind by planes or jets in the sky are actually a secret government “crop dusting” effort to control the population. These “chemical trails,” must be a frightening phenomenon to most people because, well, anything that can be easily explained by grade school science can’t be the true reality.

DTV Transition–There are several raving hypotheses regarding the semi-recent switch to Digital Television boxes becoming a must-have for those of us who don’t subscribe to Cable. The most prominent of which is that the government has installed tracking and/or camera surveillance systems in the DTV boxes to keep a Big Brother eye on us as we lazily watch television all day. This makes almost perfect sense; but wait, what if the DTV boxes emitted some kind of mythical mind-control waves to force us to buy things we see on commercials…or even…gasp…vote for a particular presidential candidate?!

Everlasting Light Bulb and the ELF–On very rare occasions, Conspiracy Theories can be beneficial to the future of humanity. In the 1980’s, it was postulated that a lightbulb was invented which would never run out of power. It was bought by a corporation and hidden so that we would keep buying temporary bulbs. Now, researchers are actually working on extremely long-lasting bulbs for consumer use, so this reality isn’t too far off.

Briefly, ELF (extra-low frequency) or infrasound is a theory that the government/aliens/the Jews are producing messages or mind-controlling elements that can’t be picked up by traditional devices. Some believe that they can actually hear these messages, but in all fairness, these same people also are notorious for rolling around in their own batshit.

Federal Reserve–The Federal Reserve is obviously a real institution, but the theory is that they are an anti-American world power built on the destruction of the currency in order to create and establish their own infinite power over the Western world. It’s been fairly well established in the past few years that leaders of the big banks (the Fed being the biggest) are not necessarily looking out for the best interests of the people. Are they manipulative? Dishonest? Unfair? Probably; but are they an evil organization bent on world domination? Well, what are they waiting for? Another collapse?

Global Warming–When we can’t get a total grasp on new scientific data, we tend to get dismissive and angry. Are we approaching an Ice Age or a nightmare hellscape of Earth’s core bursting from within? There is a lot of dispute, mostly amongst the religious sects and the paranoid about the End of Days and the coming apocalypse with no regard to the possibility that we may be able to prevent it. “Global Warming” is a scare tactic, like “Obama Care” or “Katy Perry’s tits.” Our planet’s climate is changing and whether we’re causing it directly, or it is a natural result of elements is still up for debate. What isn’t up for debate is whether or not Climate Change is a conspiracy to throw the Traditional American Life off balance. Especially because the typical American citizen is already off balance.

HAARP–The High Frequency Active Auroral Research Program is a massive defense project with the purpose of developing radio communications and surveillance. When it comes down to creating high frequency radio waves in order to further define military strategies is, HAARP will inevitably become a White Whale for Conspiracy Theorists. HAARP is blamed for causing weather anomalies (which is, of course, much more believable than Global Warming), and this goes so far that it is actually blamed for the 2010 Haitian earthquake. Not fault lines, not the movement of plates, but a high frequency radio wave. This is what happens when you base your logic and reason off of X-Men and The X-Files.

Illuminati–Contrary to popular belief, the Illuminati was a real organization established in Bavaria in 1776. It was an enlightenment-era organization for self-proclaimed “free-thinkers,” modeled after the societal structure of the Freemasons. Where the Freemasons were based mostly around the “working man,” the Illuminati attracted the literary crowd; writers, poets, and philosophers. If we’ve learned anything from The Little Rascals, it’s whenever a private institution is established (even if it is temporary), outsiders will create radical and imaginative concepts about what goes on behind those closed doors. If there is an Illuminati today, it exists in much the same way as it has historically, and not working towards controlling the world.

Kennedy Assassination–No matter how many times the trajectory, timing, aiming, and planning behind this nationally heartbreaking event are laid out, proven and established, the conspiracy theory will still continue. On a large scale, the conspiracy has switched from “Who Shot JFK?” to “What elements led up to his murder?” This is a fair argument to make, but, ultimately, it’s an argument that will go nowhere. It may be no coincidence that both John and Bobby Kennedy were assassinated, but the facts and evidence for both remain soundly in favor of one lone psychopath. And making up fables of interconnected agencies plotting the demise of the Kennedy family simply isn’t the reality.

Landing on the Moon–Surprisingly, I’ve met people who insist that the Apollo 11 Moon landing in 1969 was an elaborate hoax. What baffles me is the idea that the government couldn’t cover up a break in at a Hotel, or a Presidential blowjob, so how would they ever keep something as gigantic as a mission to the Moon under wraps? And for over 50 years! There are many reasons why the Moon landing was as real and significant as any other major historical event, but I won’t be bothered to go into it. Man has been to the moon. Several times.

Manchurian Candidate–A 1959 novel by Richard Condon, later spawning a Frank Sinatra film and a Denzel Washington remake, The Manchurian Candidate has become a terrifying reality for many paranoid and mentally unstable Americans. The concept is that the government plucks individuals off the streets, programs them to become a super soldier or government-controlled drone, then wipes their memory. Sooner or later they will be called upon to perform a particular task, whether it be assassination, domestic terrorism, or whatever the powers that be need accomplished that day. The individuals have no memory or recollection of these acts or having been programmed to complete them. Essentially, this batch of sci-fi nonsense is a catch-all back up for any other conspiracy theory.

New World Order–Popularized by lunatics in the media and controversial documentaries, the New World Order is the crown jewel of conspiracy theories. The real scare tactic put into play here is that everyone, no matter who you are, is fucked. The government, the aliens, the sleeper cells, the Federal Reserve, the media, the Jews, the black president; they’re all coming to get you, to turn you into a drone for their own capitalist order. The end result is that the powers in charge will create unified continents, much like the European Union. A North American Union is their biggest fear: Canada, USA, and Mexico under one unified law and currency. Once these unions occur all over the globe, the next logical step would be a one world Union, and that rolls out the carpet for the Big One: The One World Government.

Obama Care–I’m not particularly ashamed of living in America, with access that all of the wonderful things my country has to offer, but I’d be lying if I said I weren’t ashamed of my fellow Americans. Conspiracy Theories are insane because they’re delusional and ultimately unprovable. There really is no conspiracy because every corporate or media propaganda for the purposes of keeping people ignorant, sick, and frightened is blatantly and brazenly out in the open. We just don’t give a shit and we’re too occupied watching The Celebrity Apprentice to take notice. The fact that we don’t have Universal Health Care in this country is absolutely shameful. The marketing machine behind spreading Obama Care fear isn’t complex or brilliant. The people who fought against National Health are the same people who have been voting down every luxury, convenience, and progressive idea since the beginning of civilization.

Personal ID Implant–The rise of technology scares a lot of people. From the time that people didn’t want electricity switched on in their home because they thought it would blow up or burn down, to the ongoing and bewildering theory that cell phones create brain tumors–people are panicky, stupid, and ready to leap before they take the time to look. Conspiracy Theorists are taking the possibility that microtechnology will eventually reach the point that devices for health or communication could be contained under our own flesh as a sign that we will all be tracked and branded for an uncertain future. Perhaps to keep us contained or in order. The question here, dismissing all of this “Control the Population” bullshit, isDoes more technology and easier communication all over the world make us more free, or less?’

Reptillians–The sheer balls behind this kind of impossible claim is mind boggling. When you hear a story about someone being abducted by aliens, you immediately think, “well, that’s crazy.” Now, imagine taking that a step further and claiming that not only have aliens visited Earth to study human life, but they are actually Lizard-people who walk amongst us, covered up by certain government agencies, while actually running other agencies; namely: the Presidency of the United States. If only the people who claim Obama wasn’t born in this country realized how right they were!

September 11th–The biggest tragedy to fall upon New York City, topping both CATS and Spiderman:Turn off the Dark, 9/11 will go down in the big book of Conspiracy Theories like the Kennedy Assassination and the Moon Landing. I could go on and on about why 9/11 was a terrorist attack and not an inside job; but the conspiracy theorists don’t listen to facts or evidence. The only testimony they take is from the frightened and traumatized. They shape their own reality; and in the process, they wind up on par with the fanatics who protest at soldiers’ funerals.

UFO Crash at Roswell–Many very intelligent scientists will tell you that the possibility of life on other planets (even intelligent life) is extremely likely. In a vast and perhaps even infinite universe, the likelihood that humans are alone just seems silly. But have aliens ever traveled to our planet? Almost certainly not. Did the accidentally crash in Roswell, New Mexico? No. But you can get a ton of crazy alien crap at a local gift shop.

Vaccines–Having a child with autism or any kind of mental disability is an extremely difficult hardship to endure. It is understandable to one to pass blame or look for a simple answer; a finger to point. Developing scare tactics, especially when done by celebrities who have easy access to the public ear, is irresponsible and destructive to the future of humanity. Vaccines save lives, don’t cause autism, and any pseudo-religious cult that supports this anti-medicine rhetoric is inherently harmful to society.

Zydokomuna–This is a little-known term to describe the widely held belief that Jewish people are somehow forming a Communist plot to rise up take over, well, everything. It was this mentality that drove German forces to a mass genocide of the Jews during World War II, but this antisemitism goes back much farther than that. The most frightening reality is that this feeling is still going on today all over the world.

Alex G/

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6 thoughts on “The SuperDPS Guide to Conspiracy Theories

  1. ILLUMINATI = The system is designed to enslave your mind into believing that the system is real. Everything is my creation, so there is nothing to care about, only my hologram. YES, it’s a hologram, and it works with energy, like the electricity socket powering my laptop…. positive in to me then negative out to them, and the third plug is my eye. Eternal Life = Know that I create everything and accept that I am the creator of all.

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