Comedy, News, Television

It Ain’t Easy Being Green…Party


Excuse me, sir or madam! Do you have a moment to talk about the Green Party? No? OK–nice talking to you. Enjoy your day.

Wait, did you say “Yes”? Holy shit, OK!

The Green Party is a third (or fourth?) political party in the United States made up of self-proclaimed grassroots activists, environmentalists, and warriors for social justice. They feel that government is the solution to everyone’s problems, but they want to remove government from the monstrous influence of Americans who specifically make over $428,713 in gross income (if this seems arbitrary, it’s because it is).

They are everything you could want in a hippy-dippy non-violentcommunistic, environmentalist party, with perhaps a dash of totalitarianism thrown in for good measure.

Never heard of ’em? Don’t worry. In an experiment in faux-fairness, CNN decided to give these loonbag candidates an hour of valuable TV time to answer questions of an audience stunned into silenceNot good. But don’t worry, children. Their numbers are impossibly low.

Let’s take a look at the candidates first.

1Jill Stein, the next President of the United States(?), is a Harvard Grad and doctor, internal medicine practitioner for 25 years, and has since retired. Despite her personal beliefs and demeanor, relatively 0% of her medical teachings were in the healing power of homeopathy. She ran for governor of Massachusetts a few times, did poorly, ran for some other things, did poorly still, is a member of the Lexington Town Meeting (whatever that is), and now she’s running for president with the promise of free cake and ice cream for black people (I’d imagine).

3Ajamu Baraka, a silly name for a silly Vice Presidential nominee, has served on many boards including Amnesty International, the Center for Constitutional Rights, Africa Action, and the Ministry of Silly WalksWhat he’s most famous for is being critical of America as a “white supremacist monstrosity”, supporting Hamas against the nation of Israel, implying that the kidnapping of 276 schoolgirls by ISIS-inspired Boko Haram was a conspiracy, calling the cries of “Je Suis Charlie” after the Charlie Hebdo attack a “white supremacist rallying cry”, calling President Obama an “Uncle Tom President”, and basically calling everyone from Bernie Sanders to Beyonce a “distraction” for “stupid people”. Cool guy. Really.

So let’s go through this bit by bit and find the juiciest morsels of utter insanity and dangerous incompetence, shall we?

0:2:00–CNN Moderator claims that most of the human vessels in the audience are “undecided”

0:3:00–Jill Stein creates the impression that the are the only political party in existence to be metaphysically non-corrupt. Her facial and head movements are a combination between your crazy aunt and a malfunctioning animatronic Pizza Mascot. Meanwhile Baraka sports a permanent “People’s Eyebrow”.

0:06:15–Jill Stein essentially claims she picked Baraka as her Vice President because she has crippling white guilt.

0:10:00–Stein mistakes herself for a viable candidate and blames the “billionaire club” for her unpopularity with people who own fewer than 9 cats.

0:12:00–Stein admits how little she knows about anything involving Hillary Clinton, but decides the right way to go is to generate fear and uncertainty over Clinton’s responsibility. Which was like making a three-pointer with your eyes closed.

0:15:30–Baraka makes it clear that his vile and hateful rhetoric towards the President is nothing like the language Trump uses, because…reasons? He struggles for WAY too long before he decides he probably shouldn’t say the words “call a spade a spade.” Moderator uncomfortably uses the words “Uncle Tom.”

0:20:00–Twenty minutes in is where the real magic starts to happen: the questions from the audience. We now get to see how unprepared and undisciplined these two candidates really are.

0:23:00–Moderator reads the cringe-worthy attacks Baraka has made against Bernie Sanders…and Jill Stein reacts like an abused wife at a family dinner party.

0:26:00–A military veteran asks Jill Stein about her foreign policy (possibly the weakest of all of the Green Party’s nonsense ideas). We watch as the veteran squirms and rolls his eyes over Stein‘s complete and utter lack of self and global awareness. His training has served him well to stand there, handling this kind of intellectual punishment. Just to be clear, Jill Stein‘s plan is to get rid of all weapons, bring home all the troops, and kill ISIS with kindness. Yikes.

0:30:30–Moderator struggles to get Stein to admit that she wants to remove all troops from everywhere and also expect America and her allies to be safe. Meanwhile, Baraka sits uncomfortably in his chair like an abstract painting. Their rationale boils down to: everyone is stupid, but we’re not stupid, so if we want to do the opposite of everyone else, it must be smart.

0:34:00–Possibly the longest and most uncomfortable response to the question “do you believe in god” ever. Jill Stein begins to get SO UNCOMFORTABLE that she starts ending every sentence with a question mark like some sort of cronish Valley Girl.

0:36:00–The dreaded “vaccine” question comes up. Jill Stein clarifies that she was anti-vax before she was for it…and that she is no longer medically crazy, but she is still quite quite mad.


0:39:00–Jill Stein goes into why her feminism is different from Hillary Clinton’s feminism. There are a lot of words said in the next couple minutes, but not many of them are coherent.

0:42:10–Next up is some former Bernie Bro who can’t seem to keep his “eye-rolling” in control for the entire time the camera is on him. He asks her “how do you sleep at night?” which is FUCKING BIZARRE for a town hall event. Then, in true Bernie Bro form, he continues to argue for her to drop out so Trump doesn’t win. Probably the most cringe part of this entire ordeal.

We have lots of great catchphrases going on here:

“Black and Brown People.”
“Underdog to Top Dog”
“The Human Family”
“*cough cough* Excuse me.”


0:47:30–The moderator asks the standard question that crushes any totalitarian socialist candidate: “How are you going to pay for this?” It’s at this juncture that both Stein and Baraka prove they know absolutely nothing about economics, interest rates, government mechanics, banks, or, well, anything else. If we “don’t have an economy” to employ people, how do we have an economy for the government to purchase everyone’s debt.

Her solution is literally “print more money and give it to the poor.” Holy smokes.

0:51:00–Baraka attempts to argue that the government should simply “bail out” tens of millions of American people instead of bailing out the banks. The moderator can’t let that looney tunes statement stand.


0:53:00–Someone from the audience asks Jill Stein why she is specifically targeting Israel for a boycott. She responds with a chaotic and panicked populist response about her wanting to boycott everyone. Her clear hand-wringing about Islamic Nations is burdensome, and should be troubling to anyone with eyes and ears.


0:57:00–Moderator announces a black woman from Philadelphia who “started her own social media site called Feminist News” which I would link to if I could find ANY evidence it exists. She asks how Jill Stein would fix the broken racist system. Stein goes into absolute panic mode…which is a real shame, since her entire party platform is based on Marxist Social Justice. Problem is, Jill Stein isn’t aware how the legal system works and it shows. The rest of this mess is all about how to fix people’s feelings, which, as we all know, is impossible.

1:00:00–Moderator steps in a huge pile of shit and asks Baraka to comment on racial issues, while blaming him for ignoring the harmful nature of the Black Lives Matter movement. Oops.


1:04:00–Moderator gives up with 3 minutes left in the shitshow and asks Jill Stein what it was like to sing in a band. Much like the rest of us watching, the moderator, along with the entire network have thrown up their hands and said “Fuck ItBack to Trump news.

1:06:30–Jill Stein says her hero is Martin Luther King. There is a long and PAINFUL pause, followed by scattered applause.

And there you have it! Now we can return to the real election.

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