If the Presidential Candidates Were Baseball Players

2Hillary Clinton: Position – Designated Hitter

Scouting Report:

Clinton is an expert fastball hitter with years of experience under her belt. If a pitcher throws one right down the middle of the plate you better believe she is going to smack that ball and drive it hard, possibly out of the park. With all of that experience in the batter’s box, how could you expect less? However, if the pitcher throws her a curveball, change-up, or anything of the off-speed variety, she drops the bat, heads to the dugout and demands that the pitcher only throws fastballs or she isn’t playing anymore. Both managers and the umpires inform the pitcher that they must only throw fastballs to Mrs. Clinton and she proceeds to stand in the batter’s box, happy that she got her way, and with a smile that she is the greatest of all time, even though she can’t hit an honest curveball.

 

4Donald Trump: Position – Pitcher

Scouting Report:

Trump comes in as a new face to the baseball world, boasting his success in other areas that don’t have much to do with the game of baseball. We have yet to see this ballplayer pitch; however, he assures us that he has the best pitches we’ll ever see. When asked what pitches he knows, he told us that he possesses a lighting quick fastball, a curveball with a curve so huge opposing batters won’t have the guts to take a swing, a change-up so great that no one can hit it, not even Babe Ruth, and that Babe Ruth was really a scrub, but all of the 1927 Yankees were great friends of his. Not much is known what he will do if we put him on the mound, but we do know that the opposing team is shaking in their cleats at the thought of Mr. Trump on the hill.

 

3Gary Johnson: Position – First Base

Scouting Report:

Johnson is an experienced player in the game, not afraid to give the first base ump an earful if he disagrees with what he feels is a bad call. In fact, he gives all the umps an earful because he feels they interfere with the game too much. His glove is reliable, and he holds the bag without interfering with the runner, but is prepped to make an out if the ball comes his way. In the batter’s box, Mr. Johnson hits for average, not too much pop in his bat, it’s somewhere in the middle, so if he isn’t playing the field he can be a reliable pinch hitter, a very rational choice on or off the bench.

 

1Jill Stein: Position – Grounds Crew

Scouting Report:

Currently Dr. Stein is more concerned about the conditions of the field than the game itself.

Z

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