Arts, Comedy, Talking Nerdy

Disney Pre-9/11 Video Vault: BLANK CHECK

6Released in February of 1994 amidst the establishment of NAFTA, the violent clubbing of Nancy Kerrigan, the end of the Clinton/Yeltsin nuclear arms chicken-match, Lorena Bobbitt being found not guilty by reason of insanity for chopping off her husband’s cock, and still no sign of Israeli/Palestinian peace, Walt Disney Pictures’ Blank Check was released in theaters making over $30M on a $13M budget, which ain’t too fuckin’ shabby.

Directed by Rupert Wainwright, who you may know from films like number one box office smash Stigmata and one of the worst movies of the 2000’s, The FogBlank Check tells the story of 12-year old Preston Waters and a once-in-a-lifetime chance that all kids dream of!

Preston lives a tragic upper-middle class life with his in-tact loving family, even though his two older brothers are sometimes kinda mean to him. His father (played brilliantly by everyone’s 90’s Dad, James Rebhorn) doesn’t spoil him, because he wants his son to learn the value of a dollar, just like he did when he was young. But fuck that guy, am I right? Let’s get Preston some paper!

After realizing that some of his little ginger piece of shit friends have more money than he does, Preston gets borderline suicidal. That is, until he gets hit by a car driven by a bank robber who had stolen $1M!

Carl, the Bank Robber, panics when the police arrive and throws Preston a “blank check” to pay for his bike, which Computer Whiz Kid Preston makes into a one-million dollar check made out to CASH!

1Things get interesting when Preston runs afoul of the Jewie (read: evil Michael Lerner) Bank Owner, and a Disney Black Guy (read: Wild Thing Tone Loc) working for Carl…the bank robber. Preston manages to sneak the 1 Million Dollars out of the naive hands of the Bank Jew and proceeds to inadvertently rub his new wealth in Carl’s face by out-bidding him for a Castle. Yes, a castle. What kid doesn’t want his own castle. Now who’s got one? Our hero, Preston. That’s who. You know who owns that castle in real lifeSpy Kids-guy Robert Rodriguez. Yeah. Suck it.

1Preston lets the $1M go to his head a bit, using a Macintosh Computer Voice, cleverly nick-named Mr. Macintosh, as his cover. He never gains more money, mind you. This isn’t Catch Me If You Can where he’s writing fake blank checks all over town. He manages to spend exactly $999,667.83 on a private limo-driver/constant babysitter/creepy adult playmate Henry (expertly portrayed by the now-dead Rick Ducommun), private go-cart track, pool with slide extending from the Castle window, an expensive new wardrobe, and fancy dinner dates with the adult woman he’s trying to fuck/undercover FBI Agent Shay Stanley (played beautifully by my childhood crush fulfilled by this almost-sexual movie fantasy, now-paralyzed Karen Duffy).

It all works out, though. The bad guys go to jail, taking the bullet for all of Preston’s financial crimes; Preston learns an important lesson about being a kid and how money isn’t everything; and he gets a kiss from adult woman FBI Agent Shay, finally achieving his first boy-boner.

1In conclusion, so what if Preston’s stated goals in the movie were essentially “murder my brothers…get a girlfriend,” objectively making him a psychopath? So what if the idea that $1M is the same as “infinite money” is a plot device that only a child could come up with? So what that, adjusted for inflation, $1M in 1994 money is $1.6M today, and the CASTLE that Preston buys was sold to Robert Rodriguez 10 years after this film was made for $1.8 million?! So what that the main thing that drives Preston’s week of living the “good life” is a poorly conceived plan to fuck an older woman? So what if Blank Check doesn’t hold up to any plot scrutiny whatsoever? This movie rules the fucking school!

(10 outta 10)


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