What to Expect When You’re Expecting a Crazy Debate

There’s no getting around the political fact that the Presidential Debates don’t have much of an impact on the polls, or anyone’s opinion of the candidates. I would argue further that who we choose to be President of the United States isn’t a particularly significant decision either, but you guys seem to think it’s an all-out battle for, or against, Armageddon, so we’ll go with that.

With 6 weeks left to go before Amy Schumer and other hyperbolic pseudo-political celebrities move out of the country, both Hillary Clinton and her BFF, Donald Trump, are just about at a stalemate in the polls. Neither of them quite breaking the 50% mark.

And that ain’t good.

What that means is, for the first time (possibly) ever, these Presidential Debates could be a deciding factor. No one with any business casting their vote in the first place should still be undecided by the end of September. If the debates were substantial in policy differences–like an actual debate would be–it may be a noble pursuit to withhold political judgement until you see both options going head-to-head. But this is pure entertainment. And the Presidential Debates are my favorite part of political theater.

What should we expect? This campaign season has featured some of the more bizarre rhetoric and strategy in recent history, but when it comes to American Politics, it’s nothing new. I’m hype. You’re hype. So let’s make some predictions.

2Hillary Rodman Clinton has been loading up on her frustration over the last year. After being annihilated by a cool black junior Senator in 2008, and having her 2016 Democratic National Convention completely disrupted by supporters of a completely uncool, decrepit Jewish Socialist, all of her major Democratic political opponents are safely out of her way.

Now, she’s being matched blow-for-blow by the man Republicans reluctantly nominated, who bolsters little-to-no confidence among major political scientists…but somehow may actually run away with this election.

Hillary Clinton isn’t just walking into this first debate as a three-legged dog; she’s a squashed mutt being pulled in on a red wagon. All she really needs to do to survive is remain calm and continue breathing; which is not quite her style.

Predictions for Hillary are that she continues to behave as if she’s owed this big win, label her opponent as an unstable racist sociopath, flail her arms like a combination of Bernie Sanders and a Car Dealership Tube-Person, and walk away from this bout in stunned shame.

I don’t wish Clinton any harm, so even though seeing her faint at the podium would be an absolute joy, I’ll settle for a nice, long, very-audible nervous old woman fart.

4Donald Judas Trump has gathered his forces and experts, transforming his campaign into a structured threat to Clinton’s random, staggering defenses. Trump has a history of consciously choosing his strategists and partners from a strong stock, but a proclivity towards speaking frankly and unrehearsed, shooting barbs and stank when he feels threatened, like an orange and yellow woodland creature.

This has, of course been Trump’s biggest advantage. It’s helped him overcome seemingly endless discourteous statements whether flippantly made, or intentionally targeted.

It’s also his biggest disadvantage, as his “unpolished” demeanor is what gets him into trouble. He could potentially make a gaffe in this first debate which effectively eliminates him from the competition. It’s not likely, considering the kind of language and behavior he’s been excused for, but him calling Clinton a “cunt” on live TV would make this election even more enthralling than it’s been so far.

Trump can do no wrong in this debate, unless he attempts to match Hillary’s anger. He needs to walk away from this looking like the “sane one.” Could he pull it off? Maybe he’d be better of simply keeping his mouth shut completely.

My prediction is that Trump will come out of this first live debate on top. His poll numbers may not rise, since most of the public’s opinion on these two individuals has already been chiseled into stone, but he will be a clear winner; a personal victory…but it won’t last long.

By the next debate, the Clinton campaign should have his strategy and game-play figured out at least functionally enough to fight against the moves he’s going to make. But it would be a mistake to underestimate the incompetence her campaign has been capable of thus far.

Right or wrong, I’m excited; I’m hype; and my body is ready to be absolutely shocked.

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