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Vote for Yourselves (For All I Care)

1First thing’s fucking first, I get it–this election has been pretty nuts. Not unpredictably nuts, but a level of bizarre we can all deal with, should we be mentally stable individuals. Most of us aren’t. And it seems that you guys–gentle readers–are almost certainly more out-of-touch than any of the current candidates are. But, having said that, vote for yourselves–for all I care.

We’ve all spent the last several years in a damaging cultural clusterfuck that you’re all partially responsible for. You’ve refused to speak to anyone with an opinion outside of your own circle of thought, and those of you who attempted to, were met with hostility and condescension.

You’ve lost touch with your fellow man, and more often than not, stopped even listening to your fellow woman.

And there’s a good reason for this. You’re all a bunch of assholes. It’s OK. You can admit it now. It’s just us talking.

But this is why you can’t possibly fathom why anyone would vote for “the other guy.” It’s not because you’re morally or culturally superior; it’s because you haven’t spoken to those people in the last half-decade…and the cultural landscape has changed…maybe for good…but not likely.

We’ve become soft; our feelings too fragile; our minds so wrapped up in being on the right side that we stopped wondering if we’re actually right. But that’s OK. We can fix that, it’s just going to take time, and it’s going to take patience. It’s going to take the fortitude of exploration and not getting “triggered” any time someone says something we don’t like. Petty snobbery and social media butt-fuckery isn’t our new stage of evolution; it’s our current state of regressive childishness. Grow up.

Every election cycle (that is to say, every 4-years, because no one votes in elections that actually do matter) we’re divided into tribes by the media…and right afterwards, we’re amnesiacs to the entire process.

Every cycle we hear “Why can’t we have more choice; more option in our candidates?”

But it’s always paired with: “This election is too important to vote for third parties.”

This hate-fuck election will not be won by Trump or Clinton. It will be won by frustration and contempt, or by apathy and  laziness.

1Half of you want to believe that Trump is an unclean evil, a pigpen Hitler, a Bonaroo Beelzebub; but in reality, he’s just a guy you disagree with…whose “fans” or “supporters” feel is the antithesis to the cultural nightmare of trigger warnings, safe spacesracial division and third-wave feminism we’ve been suffering through recently.

Half of you want to believe that Clinton is out to steal, manipulate and destroy all of the values America holds dear, for some global plot for control, or just to feed her own insatiable ego; but in reality, she’s just a woman you disagree with…whose “fans” and “supporters” know she’s not as exciting as Obama, or cool as Bill, but her presence in politics throughout your entire millennial existence makes you feel, maybe, a little more comfortable.

1But who cares? Trump can only win if the people who claim to hate him so much are apathetic enough to stay home, while his supporters are motivated to deal Hillary her final crushing blow. And Clinton can only win if somehow, some way, she is able to generate the numbers of interested voters; or drum up enough vitriol to make people believe they’re actually voting to defeat the next Hitler…which they aren’t…and most people are smart enough to recognize.

So don’t vote for a third party, if you feel like that’s throwing your vote away.

Vote for yourself; because you’re wonderful, lovely, and by far the smartest person you know. After all, 235.25 Million People can’t all be individually wrong…right?


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