Comedy, Events, Irrationality, News, Top Story

WikiLeaks and the Unsinkable Hillary Clinton

2.gifIt’s happening. We’re exactly three weeks out from what all your friends on Facebook are saying is the most important election we’ve ever had in the history of having elections!

It’s not the time to vote your conscience anymore! That was the rhetoric of 2 weeks ago! It’s today now! Now you have to vote for Hillary Clinton, for the fate of the Universe is at stake! No, no, moron! A vote for Donald Trump is clearly a vote for Galactus, consumer of worlds…and a vote for any third party candidate is just a vote for Donald TrumpDestroyer of Planets.

“Oh, I think I’ll just sit this election out, then.” Think again, you simple piece of shit! What are you, mentally challenged?

Everyone has to vote. It’s not a right, it’s a duty. If you’re 18 and huffing keyboard cleaner out of a balloon from Party City, the Democratic Party NEEDS your vote. Because the only way they can win is if every American citizen who isn’t currently in an iron lung or dead (they’ll figure out how to get dead and sleeping people out to the polls by next week) votes for the Unsinkable Hillary Clinton.

Well, not “unsinkable.” Maybe that’s the wrong word. Let’s imagine a scenario where just after the Titanic collided with that fatal iceberg, the Captain, rather than going down with the ship, stormed out of his office with a gun. The Captain of the Titanic then proceeded to murder every man, woman and child on board, then hopped into a lifeboat.


When found, the concerned people asked “Aren’t you the Captain of the great ship, Titanic? Are you the only surviving member of the crew?”

To which the Captain responded. “Ship? What ship?”

Neither the Captain himself (or herself), nor the concerned people (and obviously not the dead crew) can ascertain much of anything about what happened aboard the Titanic. The only one who knows is the Captain, herself. And she’s destroyed the evidence.

This causes a clear divide. When you ignore what the Captain has done, what other way to represent her than a hero in the face of adversity? And, thus, you get moral outrage, media censorship, and the subduing of valuable evidence and information that would come from letters written by the deceased crewmen.

Resulting in valid concerns like these:

OK, these are all Trump fans, and the last one was me. But just because you’ve let the media (both mainstream and social) convince you that everyone who would rather vote for Trump than Hillary is some kind of radical right wing backwoods conspiracy theorist…doesn’t make these criticisms any less valid.

The validity should be even clearer when you take into account the multi-tiered celebrity and cultural effort to paint Trump as a monster and anyone who chooses him over Hillary as unstable…and that it’s failing. Because the Democrats have chosen to ignore the zeitgeist–represented in a bumbling whackjob candidate like Bernie Sanders (who would be doing much better than Hillary)–and push forward one of the most corrupt and out-of-it politicians of our day because she’s “experienced.”

We give a lot of credit to “experience” without taking into account the value of that experience. If I were an experienced plumber for 30 years, but every sink I touched wound up blowing up and killing families, I would probably not be up for plumber of the year.

Republicans attacked Obama in 2008 for his “lack of experience” but his lack of experience was deemed a good thing by Democrats, because it didn’t matter. He was a person with ideas and charisma and values. Most of which did not wind up playing out in the 8 years he held office, but…they honestly never do.

1But don’t worry. In 2008, Democrats made it clear that experience didn’t matter. But there are no articles today about Trump that come anywhere close to the praise for Barack Obama’s whimsical attitude toward politics.

We should respect Hillary Clinton for her experience and her successes. But that doesn’t mean we have to like or appreciate her. Everything she’s gained, she’s done by putting other people down, and every position of note she’s ever held has been because she’s a Clinton.

To put it in perspective, Hillary Clinton has neither the charm and empathetic charisma of Michelle Obama or Jackie Kennedy, nor does she have the stature and fortitude of a Barbara Bush or Nancy Reagan.

(Editor’s Note: The second I finished that paragraph, I received an email from “Michelle Obama” that said “From the bottom of my heart: Thank you” so I must be doing something right.)

2.gifWikiLeaks has seen an intense resurgence over the new Podesta Emails, Clinton Speeches, and DNC email correspondences. But now, because of the fear generated against Glorious Leader Trump, people who valued the freedom of information and transparency granted by WikiLeaks are turning against it. After all, why value knowledge of corruption when you’re being force-fed lies about the costs and outcomes being so devastatingly dire?

Americans are smarter than they’re given credit for, but also a lot more malleable than they believe themselves to be. They trust the media even when they claim not to. They trust one another, while claiming to believe that everyone is a liar. Americans are that girl at the party who constantly talks about avoiding drama despite being the one who naturally causes all of it.

But Americans tend to figure out when they’re being lied to, or at least when someone is withholding or avoiding pertinent information.

We’re being divided apart by people who want to alienate the “deplorables” while Hillary’s campaign slogan is “Stronger Together.”

But maybe she’s onto something. Trump supporters, Bernie supporters, Gary Johnson supporters, Jill Stein supporters, and Apathetic non-voters are coming together over these leaks and scandals and sabotages by the DNC.

And it’s no wonder throughout my lifetime, at least, there has been no more of a uniting factor in any political discourse than the citizens united against Hillary Clinton.


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