Every Christmas season we hear the same old classic tunes flowing through the speakers in our retail stores and Christ-forbid: car radios. Seriously, anyone who complains about what’s “on the radio” needs to usher themselves into the 21st Century. We get the occasional new novelty songs, a cappella groups desperately trying to make Christmas gay again, and sexy young pop starlets trying to spice up the way Santa comes down chimneys.
Whatever you think about Christmas tunes; love them, hate them, traditionalist, or apathetic, there’s always one that stands out every year to attract the ire of grandstanding Krampuses everywhere…and that’s Baby, It’s Cold Outside.
Every year, the outcry against Baby, It’s Cold Outside is just as predictable as the Facebook lectures on why we shouldn’t have Columbus Day, or how Thanksgiving celebrates genocide, or about how our Christmas tree degrades the proud made up traditions of Kwanzaa created by a woman abuser called Ronald.
And we pretend it’s a surprise.
The ongoing recent tradition has been to combat this issue by gender-swapping the roles. Because, a song about rape is clearly better if the man is the victim…?
Or what if Zooey Deschanel, who recorded the song in its original context (above) decides that’s no good anymore…but it’ll be completely acceptable to release THIS official version where she literally tries to drug and assault someone.
And these same people climb up on their convoluted soap boxes to do it over and over and over again…
But no amount of cute cartoons, Muppets or gender-roleplay makes rape OK. So, there’s only one answer: nobody actually believes this song is about rape. It’s a play. It’s theater.
But this year, it’s going to be different, because singer-songwriter duo Lydia Liza and Josiah Lemanski have updated Baby, It’s Cold Outside to finally meet the requirements for sexual consent–as all Christmas songs, aside from the extremely problematic Frosty the Snowman, have done decades ago. And every single media outlet is suckling at their collective balls–and not taking “NO!” for an answer.
“It’s so aggressive and inappropriate,” Josiah Lemanski says of the original tune, according to CNN.
During that time, phrases like “say, what’s in this drink?” were common facetious remarks in order to jokingly dismiss someone’s giddy behavior and blame it on the effects of alcohol. It was a fun romp written for Loesser and Garland’s housewarming party to share with their friends, and recorded for the romantic 1949 comedy, Neptune’s Daughter.
In the film, the song was sung TWICE, and the gender roles were switched for each. Hence, even the first time anyone ever saw or heard this song, it was done with both men and women in the dominant role. So, in other words: it’s a rape anthem.
In addition, a woman’s sexual and relationship agency was limited to a prudish and conservative behavior, making it not socially acceptable to spend the night with a boyfriend or fiance prior to marriage. To anyone without an agenda to push, an analysis of Baby, It’s Cold Outside will show that it is categorically false that the message of the song is “no means yes.” It is a winter story-song about two lovers playing a seductive game of cat and mouse while being snowed in.
The song, invariably celebrates a woman’s sexual freedom, and the fact that she is encouraged into making the conscious decision by a man may be the only aspect that could even be honestly discussed as a cogent argument for “problematic” status.
But, fortunately for us…this adorable and certainly doomed-to-fail sexless couple have bumble-cuck-fucked their way into an outrageously cringe-worthy contemporary version of Baby, It’s Cold Outside that will surely stand the test of time, if that test only lasts for 35 seconds…and only if he’s being pegged.
The “couple” have stated that there are many songs out there with sexually violent messages that should be re-worked for modern day castrati, such as Otto Harbach‘s She Didn’t Say Yes and Robin Thicke’s Blurred Lines.
The mindset being expressed here that these two white people need to educate and “raise awareness” (as they put it) is not only cold, sexually repressive, and condescending, it’s also pretty fucking racist.
But, by all means, continue this sacred Holiday tradition. After all, you’re just expressing your empowerment, right?