Comedy, Irrationality, Mistakes, News

Celebrities Don’t Get Sick of Losing

We all love when celebrities get involved in political issues. Leonardo DiCaprio likes to step-up for the environment. Mark Ruffalo generates fake footage of tap water being set on fire to increase his points about the dangers of fracking. Emma Watson stands up for women by spreading lies about wage gaps and rapping with Lin-Manuel Miranda. Shailene Woodley tells us the true meaning of Thanksgiving while crying near an Indian Reservation in North Dakota.

And almost every celebrity you’ve ever heard of consistently and interminably reminds us all that Donald Trump is a magnitude 8.0 Super-Nazi Racist Xenophobic Earthquake despite all evidence to the contrary.

First, they were having fun; giddy and confident that either their Ancient She-Witch or Communist Santa Claus candidates would ultimately be victorious over the forces of evil (read: The Republican Party).

When it became clear that Socialist Father Time was out for good, the celebs concentrated their attention on getting Hillary Clinton elected, whether they agreed with her or not, at all costs. They were confident in an easy victory, so their voices joined together in a praise chorus for their Pants-Suit-Super-Heroine.

After the Summer of hope and free Katy Perry concerts, the reality set in that Democrats could lose this thing. Not because Donald Trump was too powerful and too likable to overcome, but because their candidate was just…that…awful. Our beloved celebs began to get desperate. And that’s when Joss Whedon arose from the ashes of his social justice warrior prison, gathered everyone he’s ever worked with…and gave us gems like this:

The fear in Robert Downey Jr.‘s eyes, paired with the light-hearted urgency of cracking jokes, all while calling a person you don’t like a white supremacist just seemed to fit perfectly in a delicious cocktail of delusional self-importance. They beautifully conveyed a message of despair which virtue-signaled themselves into a wild frenzy, inadvertently strengthening the resolve of those precious valuable voters who were (and are) vehemently opposed to Hollywood elitists telling them what to do.

Despite this toxic divisive fear, Hillary Clinton spent ELECTION DAY doing this:

And then…the unthinkable happened.

After the election was over, and the our celebrity friends took a much-needed pause from trying to tell us what to do in favor of obligatory tear-ridden temper tantrums, they figured out their major flaw. All this time, they had been preaching to the choir, talking to people who were already on their side. They were too busy calling Trump Supporters racist deplorables that they forgot they may need the help of those sub-human flag-wavers in the future. And that future was now.

This time, they’d try to speak directly to the hate-mongers and Klansmen who they actively avoided for so long, and try to encourage those Electors to overturn a Democratic Election in favor of…who cares? John Kasich? Evan McMuffin? As long as it wasn’t Donald Trump, they didn’t care; a clear showing that they were blinded by their hatred of a fellow Entertainer jumping the Democratic ship and didn’t give a fuck about politics anymore. Surprise, surprise. This once-again strengthened the resolve of their opponents, and their candidate wound up losing electoral votes as well as the election.

Now, like Alzheimer’s Patients, they return once again to repeat heavily scripted lines of dialogue at us in hopes that some poor soul remains in America who will be swayed into hard-hitting political action by the trembling, erratic voice of Sally Field.

Presumably, the goal of #StandUpForUs is to flip the table and attempt to empower citizens to represent each other, rather then expecting celebrities to represent them; an interesting tactic that categorically never works, since it’s still celebs telling you to do something.

Best of luck, Celebrities. The day is sure to come when we’re all reminded that not only do you know better than us, you are better than us.


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