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New Year, New You: Don’t Do It

Well let us begin with a friendly HAPPY NEW YEAR! Now that we’ve got that out of the way we can discuss what our resolutions are, or, what we’re going to better this year. Think about yours, close your eyes, count to five, and allow me to inform you that it is complete bullshit. Self-improvement is a wonderful thing, but using January 1st as a starting point is a foolish move. You’re not going to accomplish what you hoped for, unless you’re one of the small percent of people who do actually accomplish new year goals (it’s rare as balls). Pick a time of year and day of your liking to start your goals. For now let’s take a look at the most common New Year resolutions and say, “don’t do it.”

  1. giphy-1Lose Weight: What a fantastic fucking idea! Why didn’t anyone else think of that? It’s been on your mind all year anyway so let’s go to the gym the most crowded time of year! You can start this when you are really motivated to do so. As a New Year resolution, don’t do it.

  2. giphy-4Change Eating Habits: I pull this information from sources that are the same, because it’s all based on conversations I have with other people. This one is the worst/the best. Same rule applies to losing weight, you’re only setting yourself up for failure by forcing it as a New Year resolution, don’t do it. Some of the cleanses and diets sound.. well… yucky.

  3. smokingQuit Smoking: This is a fantastic idea! Problem with it is that most successful quitters without relapse don’t do it as a New Year resolution. Another common one that might as well get flushed down the toilet because I’m tired of all the damn lies, don’t do it. Seek assistance, only the overly stubborn can do this successfully on their own.

  4. giphy-3Do more exciting things!: Looks like you’re off from work on MLK day, and there you are binge-watching another TV show. If you’re the boring type, stop lying to yourself saying you’ll do more exciting things, don’t do it. In fact, things you see others doing that you think are exciting might be boring to you. Cut the crap.
  5. giphy-5Find Love: Oh sweet lord of all that is annoying, don’t do it. Let this happen, if you’re forcing it as a New Year resolution you’ll find yourself opposite of some screen crying as you fap furiously in to the night, wondering why you’re so awful. You probably are, but that’s not the point, the point is don’t lie to yourself as if you have some sort of magic juju that will make the love of your life suddenly appear.

New Year’s resolutions are lame so make the world yours. Make it the best year ever and accomplish whatever you want on your terms, and get to the doctor to make sure you’re not going to die.


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