Hey, Celebrities…We Need to Talk

You’re frustrated, I get it. In a lot of ways, we’re all frustrated. You have to deal with our nitpicking over every Blockbuster big-budget film you guys squirt out for a paycheck; and we have to deal with a mass media that obsesses over everything you guys say and do. We’re both trying to figure out our place in this crazy, mixed-up world. And as if the non-stop press junkets you guys do for your mediocre films aren’t enough to drive you crazy, you really really tried to convince us of your political superiority, and we all flat-out rejected it. It’s enough to make a perfectly sane Matthew McConaughey seem straight up retarded.

But the truth is, we like you guys sometimes, and we truly just need you to stop. Natalie Portman, Emma Stone, you’re both beautiful and smart delights and we love the energy you ladies bring to the screen. Andrew Garfield, I was so excited for your Spider-Man franchise…and I’ve been an apologist for the first one since it came out. Alden Ehrenreich, you’re such a fresh new face in Hollywood and we’re all extremely excited to see you pull off a young Han Solo in 2018. Amy Adamswe…we’ve had a good run!

The point is, we don’t want to be mad at you, and we don’t want to see you reach an early grave by stressing non-stop over some silly election. Everything’s going to be OK, I promise!

Take care of your kids, chill out and be thankful for the praise and adoration and money you’re gifted with, just for doing what you love…playing pretend!

Because we love you. But we’re getting too old for this shit.

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