February 2018 Issue #SailorTwift



The Six Recession-Proof Ways to Get Cities Out of Debt

AlexAn overwhelming amount of us live in super-sized, congested, polluted cities. I happen to live in Philadelphia, and in addition to the hazards of our everyday lives, we are dealing with a staggering and crippling economic “depression.” Because of this, we have cutbacks running wild, elevated panic in the marketplace, and nothing on which to take out our aggressions (aside from Obama’s comments about “Special People” and general AIG douchebaggery). But let’s keep our heads here. Let’s start to think straight…and let’s find at least 10 ways that Your City can save money!

6. Stop allowing Ginger Kids in Public Playgrounds

It’s no secret that every time a child with hair as red as the devil’s dick is witnessed leaving a playground, a team of Bio-hazard Suit clad firefighters are called in to sterilize the equipment. It’s not bigoted, it’s public safety. We all know that ginger children have the potential for harming and infecting our precious young people and destroy the fabric that ties conventional families together (have you seen Table for 12?).

It’s no joke; and once we create public bans (or pigmentation camps–think about it…) we can allow these firefighters to get back to their everyday jobs…or just hose those fuckin’ day-walkers off the sidewalks.

5. Create Soundproof Bus Sections for the Homeless

There’s an easy and cheap way to do this (and still not be a racist!!). After all, homeless isn’t a color, it’s the outcome of habitual drug use and domestic abuse, and everyone knows that! When hilariously pretentious white suburban kids venture into the Big City, they are often afraid to ride the bus to get to their destinations. This is a fear that is no wholly unfounded.

Of course, Public Transportation isn’t the most harmful element of the city out there; however, there is always the danger lurking in the shadows of a Homeless…lurking in the shadows. Now, there’s no practical way to get these people to stop riding the bus (I mean, come on) but there just may be a way to separate them from the rest of the bus-riding population. We won’t have to smell them or hear them. They can have their 40 oz in a paper bag, and we can have our dignity.

How will this save the city money, you ask? Well, naturally, more rational-minded individuals would be willing to take public transportation if there is no danger of them being “talked at.” The other benefits, including decreased emissions should go without saying.

4. Fire the Tour Guides and Just Hire the Homeless (for FREE, shh!)

I know, I know…Another Homeless idea? Yes. My last one got me thinking…where else do we find homeless? Everywhere, that’s where!

Those tour guides probably cost the city a lot of money, and they don’t know anything about whatever city you happen to be in! Homeless are on the streets every day. They know just about every nook and cranny of the City, and why wouldn’t they? Sure, they might not know their “history” and they might have “social diseases” but it’s time we look past all of that. Plus, there’s a good chance that the Tour Guides we’ve got share the exact same problems.

The best thing about this decision would be that we wouldn’t have to pay these “people.” They don’t know how the financial world works (I mean, who does really?). You could allow them to simply collect tips from tourists and they’ll be all smiles.

…worst case scenario, we can have them pull the buggies instead of horses. Horses are expensive.

3. Stop Having Fires.

This sounds like a totally obvious one, but it needs to be said. C’mon people…fires? Really? We’ve moved way past that in our society. If a terrorist can blow up a building, you can get off your lazy arsonist ass and create some real panic. If the arsonists we love so much would stop causing fires, we wouldn’t need Fire Departments, and that would save a lot of money.

Because one of the cutback plans during the recession involved the closing or disbanding of several fire stations, I figure we could just lose them all in favor of a safer America and…no fires(?).

2. Fire the Cops and Hire a Superhero.

Why spend money on a Police Force that is always inefficient and under-respected? What we need is one masked vigilante that everyone can look up to, and who works for free because of an unfounded sense of personal justice, or he was abused as a child. These are the questions that we don’t have to ask.

Of course, some problems may arise from vigilantism. Off the top of my head: We’d need to find a Superhero; and: There’s no such thing as Superheroes. Now, I realize that up until now I’ve been thinking clearly and critically…So I’ll have to find a way to make this work. Okay, here we go…a marketing team will promote a corporate entity posing as a masked vigilante. The City might be safe, the Marketing team makes money…and the pseudo-superhero will probably be killed.

1. Outsourcing Ownership

Most big cities have ethnic sections, and even more than most have areas that just seem to be specifically made for a certain nationality…like China Town, Little Odessa, Little Italy, and Manhattan. Now, the notion that China Town is an actual town is perposterous. They don’t have a mayor, or a Town Hall…just some novelty stores and golden dragons…but what if (and follow me here…) we actually GAVE China Town to the country of China…and then, take it a step further and just placed American cities in the control of other countries?

Sound like a good idea? No? Well, why not? Seriously…you give me one good reason.


Yeah, that’s true.

You don’t have to yell…

Okay, how about we just make up some charities and ask people to donate to them. If they don’t know the money is going directly to the Mayor’s office, it could work!