The SuperDPS Guide to the Right

There’s a political schism in this country that has been exported throughout the Western World through religion and an imaginary system of values which should never be part of global or national policy to begin with.

It seems only right that someone attempt to explain the points of view commonly associated with the Republican Party in a manner as backward and convoluted as humanly possible.

The Grand Old Party is actually a Surprise Party...for Jesus.
The Grand Old Party is actually a Surprise Party...for Jesus!

Be sure to keep in mind that not everyone who calls themselves a “Republican” actually holds these same beliefs. The party is full of individuals with individual thoughts and ideals–who were all created in the image of God to make sure their children aren’t converted to faggotry.

Axis of EvilIf there really is evil in the world, and I mean “true evil” not like the Liberal Jew-run Media…evil evil…then it would be these guys. After 9/11 (see Nine/Eleven) everyone who wouldn’t help us out was a traitor and part of Satan’s army of darkness (see Us VS Them…and also, see Army of Darkness…cool movie). Anywho, the Axis of Evil originally included Iran, Iraq, and North Korea, but then walking-muppet John Bolton added Libya, Cuba, and Syria just for fun. Basically, any repressive country that had any history of being mean to us got the label.

FUN FACT: America is in the Axis of Awesome.

Big Business–The Grand Ol’ Party, and the right in general, has largely been associated with Corporate America. Although the government as a whole is connected with Big Business and banking, this is the side of the rich fat cats looking down from their ivory towers. Tax cuts for the wealthy have been a recent staple of right-wing administrations, but for the sake of argument, let’s just say that your lives are essentially worthless.

FUN FACT: The Monopoly guy will be in prison for the next 10-15 years…or until someone rolls doubles.

ChristianityEvery several hundred years, God decides to support not only a particular nation, but a particular party within a government. Luckily, this time God thought it was the Republicans’ turn at the wheel. It is the sworn duty of the Right to protect the Christian faith, because Jesus needs an army…and to make sure that everyone knows that Muslims are wrong. They must be, because they’re in the Axis of Evil…but not Saudi Arabia–blessings and peace be upon them.

FUN FACT: The Jews used to be God’s chosen people, but Jesus said they could run the Media instead.

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell–Because America’s Army is God’s Army and God hates fags, our military has a very strict no-homo policy (just like Lil’ Wayne). If the Army finds out you’re gay, then you’re out. It’s that simple; no matter how valuable you may be to the Army, you’re gone. President Obama is currently attempting to repeal ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,’ but many on the Right are opposed to it because God hates fags and Obama’s a fag.

FUN FACT: The most difficult thing about being part of the Right Wing is the effort that goes into disguising your brazen hatred as legitimate policy.

Elephant–In 1874, political cartoonist Thomas Nast represented the Republican party with an Elephant and the Democratic party with an Ass. Normally, Republicans try to use the Eagle as their representation as to associate themselves with freedom and patriotism rather than behemoth pachyderms of destruction. The term “Elephant in the Room” is used to describe a prevalent issue that people are too stubborn and self-conscious to talk about–so it could be associated with any rebuttal of a Republican talking point.

FUN FACT: Like Elephants, Republicans never forget–unless they specifically asked to remember…

FOX NewsA conservative-based cable news channel which has recently become known as one of the most trusted media sources in the United States. This fact alone should clue you in that the Right is consistent and thorough in their journalism and reporting. The slogan of FOX News is “We Report, You Decide” while their tag-line is “Fair and Balanced.” For those of you who don’t watch FOX on some moral or ethical grounds, you should know that they are about as Fair and Balanced as possible; they go out of their way to balanced accurate news stories with unadulterated wild speculation.

FUN FACT: When you stare into the burning blue-gray eyes of FOX’s Glenn Beck, you can see the human race, in its entirety, burning in the unstoppable flames of apocalypse.

Guns–The Second Amendment, generally referred to by gun-owners as “America’s First Freedom” (because they don’t recognize the First Amendment as a legitimate freedom), allows for the nation’s populous to arm themselves for protection from a hypothetical tyrannical government. When Barack Hussein Obama (don’t you hate having a president whose name doesn’t pass Spell Check?) declared the Right to be a bunch of frightened individuals clinging to their guns and their Bibles, those “Real” Americans were outraged–and rightly so! When you get all of your facts from a book that starts off with a talking snake, it’s understandably difficult to connect to the truth.

FUN FACT: It is common knowledge that guns don’t kill people; people kill people–but the gun sure does raise those odds! *High Five!*

Hannity, Sean–The reason Hannity gets his own slot outside of FOX NEWS is because he is a special case. Sean Hannity used to host a FOX debate show with Alan “P-Diddy” Colmes (a squirrely little liberal with the frame of an exhumed corpse) until the plug was pulled because even a quiet, unobtrusive liberal was too-much-liberal for FOX. Hannity claims that America is, “the greatest, best country God has every given man on the face of the Earth,” and he’s absolutely right. God made America a plentiful, beautiful, second Garden of Eden–and then the Europeans raped and pillaged their way to total domination.

FUN FACT: America is the greatest, best country Allah has ever created just to spite the Middle East.

Intelligent Design–A loud minority from the right seems to believe that for the history of human scientific discovery, we’ve been dead-fucking-wrong about everything. You see–and stay with me here–the Theory of Evolution (and it is just a theory, of course) can not possibly be true because it suggests that creatures changed and genetically mutated through Natural Selection over billions and billions of years. This simply can not be the case because the Bible says that every living creature that exists now was created in one day…with magic.

FUN FACT: Redneck comedian Ron White says, “You can’t fix stupid.” Rednecks who listen to Ron White answer, “So there’s no use in tryin’.”

Joe the Plumber–During the 2008 presidential campaign that brought America’s first foreign, Communist president, we were introduced to Sam Wurzelbacher who the public knew only as “Joe the Plumber.” Why not “Sam the Plumber?” Fuck you, that’s why. Joe was first seen speaking with Obama in a public forum about his tax plans for small businesses–and how it would affect him if he chose to open his own business. Obama calmly explained his plan, which Joe didn’t understand–and from then on, he became a talking point for the entire Republican Party which had (and continues to have) absolutely no interest in trying to understand President Hussein’s wacky plans for reform.

FUN FACT: Joe the Plumber became a foreign correspondent for FOX NEWS (seriously).

Kindergarten–For many people, especially on the Christian Right, life begins at conception and until we can overturn that pesky Roe VS Wade decision, we will remain in a dark and evil time where women have control over their own bodies. Every child that is not aborted or thrown in a trashcan by a teen who just wants to have a fun Prom is a personal victory for Republicans–but several years later, Kindergarten begins…and so begins another issue: What are those faggot teachers teaching our unaborted children? The Right believes that it is the Gay/Democrat agenda to demand tolerance from future generations by teaching Kindergarten kids about anal sex, condoms, and fist-fucking…and it’s terrifying.

FUN FACT: By the time you get the courage to take back your Country, every single man, woman, and child will have gone gay. Think about it.

Liberal PussiesIf you believe in science, have a moral objection to war, live in a major city, feel empathy and compassion towards others, and readily accept handouts from your government–chances are, you’re a Liberal Pussy. Although the more articulate candidates and pundits would never use this term, it is often substituted with words like “elitist, leftist, bozos, protesters” or simply “liberals.” After all, the Real America exists in either the states that came later/had no say in how this country was formed/lost the civil war.

FUN FACT: When Craig T. Nelson was broke, collecting Unemployment, and using Food Stamps, who was helping him out? Nobody.

MarriageTypically the words that should always follow the word “Marriage” are “is between a man and a woman.” But not if the Left gets their way. It seems that anything that lives and breathes should be allowed to get married, and the slippery slope has no shallow abyss. If gays and lesbians can get married, why not animals and people? Plants and people? Inanimate Objects and people? Traditional Marriage has always been a staple of our society and is a commitment made under the perverse eyes of our Lord–between a man and a woman–for as long as they’re campaigning for re-election.

FUN FACT: It’s customary in this country to an oppressed group to gain the monumental achievement of Civil Rights and then turn right around and spit in the faces of another minority group. It’s the circle of life.

Nine/Eleven–Any kind of political indictment or opposition can be solved by mentioning these two numbers. It’s a mysterious silence spell that will confuse civilization for years to come. Whether the issue be torture, inappropriate airport security, immigration, national security, war crimes, etc…the Right needs only to utter these two (seemingly meaningless) but magical numbers and the problem is immediately shut down. For example: “Do you believe that your treatment of this innocent prisoner fell under the category of cruel and unusual punishment?”…”Well, Nine Eleven.”…The End.

FUN FACT: Former Mayor of New York City, Rudy Giuliani, received an honorary knighthood from the Queen of England for his bravery in uttering the numbers “Nine Eleven” more than six-billion times within the period of one year. Such a feat has never been attempted, even by the most powerful wizards of medieval England.

OilIn order to keep our Energy Independence and take power away from the Terrorist Countries that we get our oil from, we must drill here and drill now. Naturally, if we use up all of our own natural resources, it will be easier to beg countries with more money and power to suckle at their financial tit. We have the capacity to gain more Black Gold from within our own soil; however, in many cases, laws protecting wildlife and forest land prevent us from extracting the delectable Texas Tea from those particular grounds. This is definitely an important issue because we absolutely refuse to invest money in any kind of alternative or renewable energy source (see Liberal Pussies).

FUN FACT: Endangered Species don’t even have cars!

Patriotism–Everyone who wishes to call themselves citizens of this country–or even real Americans–must unwaveringly put the U.S. first. The Right has a true hard-on for Patriotism, which is a noble ideology in theory, but in practice it becomes a little frightening. Every generation goes through a period where they are either ashamed to call themselves “American” or are disappointed in their country’s decisions. During the presidential administration(s) of George W. Bush, a law was passed called the “P.A.T.R.I.O.T. Act”–and while most of its contents were minor additions to the Government’s already-creepy powers, America was divided between the outraged and the flag-wavers (see Us VS Them).

FUN FACT: Patriotism became mandatory for a brief period in the early Twenty-First Century. Now, nobody gives a shit.

Quiet Racism–Perhaps one of the most finely-tuned skills of a Right-Winger is the ability to disguise obvious racism as legitimate disapproval. While your grandparents have a “Racist Pass,” elderly members of our government aren’t so fortunate. They must choke on their hatred while a kind-of black president verbally cock-slaps them into submission. African American leader of the Republican National Committee, Michael Steele probably lies awake at night with the knowledge that–not only is he the Blackest individual in the Republican Party, but sadly, also the Whitest.

FUN FACT: Even though most of the Republican Party object to Michael Steele’s influence, they can’t give up on him because he’s the darkest person they’ve got…and they couldn’t imagine coming off as racists.

Ronald Reagan–Next to Jesus Christ, Ronald Reagan is the most important person in the Republican Party. You would think that Abraham Lincoln, the first Republican President, would be a stronger role model, but…(see Quiet Racism) Reagan was a true Hollywood Actor, but he was always known for being just a regular guy; not like those elitist celebrity candidates like Republican Arnold Schwarzenegger (which Spell Check does recognize, oddly). They say that Reagan never wanted to be president–he only wanted to “play” president–but his policy and legacy inspire boners to this day.

FUN FACT: Reagan’s policy was never to speak ill of a fellow Republican, so whenever current Republicans talk shit, they are required to place their obligatory photo of Ronald Reagan in a sealed envelope.

Sarah Palin–After Barack Obama won the 2008 presidential election, Democrats and Liberals thought that they could breathe a long sigh of relief and forget the terrible months in history that the other 49 States of America were aware of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin’s existence. Well, suck on it, because she’s back and probably trying to get into politics again. After Palin’s random and unpredictable resigning from the position of Governor of Alaska, she vowed that she could do more to inspire Americans by not being politically involved. This couldn’t be more true. Now that Palin isn’t a Governor anymore, it’s like she’s single and ready to mingle. Yes, she’s still married, but it’s not every day that a quirky MILF comes along and speaks such fluent retarded-baby-talk-politics that even the most developmentally disabled hillbillies can pretend to be intrigued.

FUN FACT: You can feel free to associate Sarah Palin with this.

Tea BaggersNow referred to as “Tea Party Members” because of the obvious sexual implications of ‘tea-bagging,’ this term describes those who organized in large numbers with the aid of FOX News to almost-coherently protest Barack Obama’s presidency. Originally, they organized as “Birthers,” or, those who believed that Obama’s birth certificate was a fake and he was actually a radical foreign Muslim. Thank goodness they’ve come to their senses and are now attacking Obama only on his mission to bring America into the educational, scientific, and medical ballpark after being spectators for many years. In all fairness, many of the younger people manufacturing dissent for this cause are actually Democrats in favor of fucknuts candidate Lyndon LaRouche. These are the same people who called Bush and Cheney “Nazis” and are now doing the same to Obama.

FUN FACT: Lydon LaRouche will never (ever, ever, ever) be President and therefore, must do everything in his power to make illegitimate the presidencies of others.

Us VS Them–If you combine our foreign relations with our Nationalism and Xenophobia, you get the Right Wing “Us VS Them” mentality. After all, terrorists aren’t attacking us because of our political and religious motivations–it’s because they hate our freedom. The word “them” or “they” can not refer to individuals (men, women, children) because that would bring about sympathy in the American spirit. “Them” must therefore refer to “terrorists, insurgents, or enemy combatants.” It is this very specific tactical wordplay that keeps citizens in line and discourages them from going crazy and killing their left wing neighbors. Even those leftists hate America, they’re still not as bad as the invisible enemy.

FUN FACT: Conspiracy theorists also tend to use the “Us VS Them” method of rallying supporters, but they tend to be much less active, preferring mainly to read the ravings of fellow mad men on the Internet and attend AA meetings.

VirginsMuch like the sanctity of Marriage, the desire for youth to be sexually uneducated and preserve their bodies and souls for their one true love is a major necessity. If we refuse to teach our children about proper sexual conduct, they will–unfailingly–be less prone to engaging in sexual activity. As we all know, this is a myth of epic proportions, but it’s important to stand by myths and support them until it negatively effects your life personally.

FUN FACT: Some studies (don’t ask me which studies) suggest that chicks who are taught not to have vaginal intercourse until they’re married are more likely to perform oral or anal sex…and that’s all we really need anyway.

Wealthy White War–I couldn’t decide which one of these words to utilize for “W” but I figured they chain together fairly well. From the beginning of American history, War has been planned, instigated, and caused by Wealthy White Men. It may have been the farmers and poor gun-totin’ yokels who fought the War for Independence, but they sure as fuck didn’t blow the whistle. Make no mistake: war is often the only answer to problems that can not be solved diplomatically. If you and yours are directly threatened, there’s only one option left. To say that “war is never the answer” is shockingly naive, but doesn’t it feel nice? Even in the case of a noble American War, we typically wouldn’t enter into it unless there were some clear and direct benefit as seen through the eyes of the Wealthy and the White.

FUN FACT: From the Drug War to the Star War, everyone loves a good battle–but sometimes the enemy isn’t as clear and present as Hitler or Vader. In these cases, we can substitute a rational enemy with an irrational fear–like Terror.

XenophobiaFear of the world and the people outside of our own tightly knit communities has always been America’s alcoholic uncle–we’re not sure why we keep him around, but we’re so used to him that we’ll come to terms with the fact that he prevents any kind of peace-of-mind at the party. Despite the fact that America, like most of the Western World, exists only as a mixing bowl of cultures and races, we will always have an irrational fear of immigrants and outsiders. What happens when Mexicans take over all of the shit-scooping and dirt-digging jobs that hard-working Americans are begging for? What happens then? I’ll tell you what happens then: Communism.

FUN FACT: If we were really so xenophobic, we probably wouldn’t have let black slaves into our homes…with their rap music…

Yester-yearsThese were the fictitious good ol’ days of Leave it to Beaver, a happier time that only existed on Television and in the hearts and minds of psychotic conservatives everywhere. We are determined to package and sell a lifestyle that never truly existed in the first place–a better lifestyle when everyone’s parents stayed together, retarded kids were locked in closets, and if you were gay, you were just beaten to death in the schoolyard. Those were the days.

FUN FACT: Did you ever wonder what happened to the Brady Bunch couple’s previous marriages?

ZealotryWhile this doesn’t necessarily have to be a negative thing, it very easily can become one. If you’re a fanatic over any particular person, character, or ideology you pack the potential to harm yourself and those around you. The Right maintains a Zealotry for God and America’s Forefathers. The danger exists due to the fantasy of the fanatic. You know how you used to think you were still in love with your Ex, but really you were only remembering what you wanted to remember about the whole horrible clusterfucked relationship? That’s how the Right feels about God and America’s Founding Members. They constantly invoke the word of the Lord and the imaginary Intentions of the Forefathers, bending the already pre-established beliefs and writings to suit their agendas at the time. You’re still thinking about your Ex, aren’t you?

FUN FACT: You’d be surprised how easy it is to fabricate ideas and statements made by either Fictional Characters, or persons in history that you refuse to actually read about.

Now you know your GOP ABC’s.

Alex G/

(return to MAIN PAGE)

Advertisements

The SuperDPS Guide to Religion

As we are all no doubt aware, society–more specifically, modern western progressive society–has become more concerned with freedom from religion than freedom of religion. Every religious group believes in essentially the same bullshit, but where they differ from the sects of their neighbors, they define themselves as wholly separate entities.

Throughout history, the frightened and bewildered have distanced themselves from religious “crazies” by establishing their own backwards faiths, and that’s why we have so goddamn many.

Let's be honest, if you're religious, they're just as RIGHT as you are.

More and more people identify themselves as “Spiritual, but not Religious,” a frustrating notion that begs the question: Why not just do away with religion altogether?

Surely if you disregard the religious notions that have existed for thousands of years, a spirituality that you just pull out of your ass would have even less validity; not more, simply because you feel it inside you (ew).

There is only one way to clearly differentiate between the significant and insignificant–and that’s by taking a closer look at those nutty little nightmares we call “Religions.” We won’t do them all, but we’ll do a hell-of-a-lot…

Anabaptists

AdventismWilliam Miller was a miserable old cunt who got off on discussing non-issues. Are we really awake when we sleep? When is Jesus coming back? Is the punishment for sins eternal torment or simple annihilation? *Raises hand* Ummm…who gives a shit?

Alternative JudaismThis is what Jews practice when they’re feeling angsty and start listening to a load of Good Charlotte. It’s not really Judaism in the same way that believing in “some of the shit in the Bible” isn’t really a religion at all. It’s either the timeless words of an Almighty God or it’s not, people. Fucking choose.

AnabaptistsYou little fuckers talk about the religious right and the radical Muslims and how they’re fuckin out-there, but there’s nobody more radical than Anabaptists (Amish & Mennonites). At least suicide bombers watch fuckin TV.

AnglicanismWhile The Church of England tries desperately to play with the big boys, it’s clear that everyone stopped giving a shit a long time ago. I guess England never forgave Henry VIII. Now we’re stuck with Protestants.

AnimismThis could either be a polytheistic, spirits-in-everything-we-see sort of religion, or it has something to do with those freaks who do it with mascot-costumes on.

Wesboro Baptist Church

BabismOnce upon a time, back in the 1800’s, a guy claimed to be the chosen one and he was executed. Sound familiar? Yeah…don’t step on people’s toes–especially¬† within Islam.

Baha’iThis is about the closest you’ll get to religious harmony. This one’s all about unification of religious people, as long as you buy into their practices, don’t ask questions, and surrender yourself to God’s will.

BaptistsModern Baptists consider their religion to date back to Jesus Christ and John the Baptist; however, in reality, it only dates back about 400 years and is now linked more closely to old black women singing and fanning themselves.

BuddhismThere are so many schools of Buddhism and I can’t be bothered to talk about them all, so let’s just do an overview and get it over with. Buddhism is an ancient spiritual discovery of the self. Its long intricate and divided history has given us such modern day luxuries like: Eastern War and Slavery, Stoners, Lazy People, rubbing fat people’s tummies for good luck, and the Swastika. Hooray!

Cargo CultsThis merry band of ignorant bastards succeeds as more of a tribal culture. They’re so convinced that the wealth of the outside world was “really meant for them,” that they attempt to acquire wealth and goods through all kinds of batshit magical ways.

ChristadelphiansNot a very significant sect, but they do exist–I assure you. John Thomas went batshit crazy and started writing about how he’d tapped into some first century belief system. Then, he came to America–and that’s why there are 6,500 Christadelphians in the US today. Success.

Christian ScienceIt’s never a good sign when you set up a faith-based Science and Health program with the delusion that truth and good are material things and evil and error are fantasy.

Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints(see Mormonismit’s just easier that way)

ConfucianismNot so much a religion as a philosophic approach to living your life, but it’s close enough. They believe that coercive laws can be damaging–when people feel they’re being forced to adhere–so they try to provide a moral codes of virtue that you can repeat when you’re out with a chick to sound enlightened.

DeismThose who technically have “no religion” but still choose to believe in a magical sky-king are called Deists. Creationists tend to use arguments about some of the most brilliant people in history being “Deists.” But they’re wrong. And when they’re not wrong, they’re still wrong.

EvangelicalismWe hear a lot about Evangelicals these days, and that’s due to the fact that they are the loudest voice. When your religion is based on personal conversion; being “re-born,” you tend to have a lot of cocky fuckers on your hands, just aching to heal a world that was never sick to begin with.

GnosticismWhile not quite a sect of Christianity, Gnostics believe in a set of Holy Books not included in the traditional Bible. They feel that they’re gaining some ancient super-knowledge from these books, but are, in reality, simply wasting their time just as much as everyone else.

Hellenistic

HellenisticI don’t think anyone actually still practices these Greek/Roman god religions, but wouldn’t it be fun if they did?

HinduismThere’s probably a lot to know about Hinduism and their multi-colored gods…but if you’ve encountered those Hare Krishna people, you probably got all the information you need.

HoodooWitchcraft with dark chocolate.

Jediism

JainismAn Indian religion whose symbol has become a symbol of hate thanks to the Western world. The Jain Dharma path is supposed to be one of non-violence toward all living things…Many jealous Hindus now consider it a “sect of Hinduism,” but they just want the street cred.

JediismThat’s right. Star Wars. I can only imagine the development of this religion going like this: “You know how all those ancient texts are just bullshit written by some dude thousands of years ago? Well, what would you say if I told you that the real answers lie in the immortal work of Mr. George Lucas?”

Jehovah’s WitnessThey might seem like a relatively harmless group of people, but these nutty restorationists are fucking dangerous. They teach their students that we’re living in the “End Times,” adhere to a weird, masochistically conservative interpretation of the Bible, and bother you at home.

Jews for JesusWhen Jews get sick of being Jewish (because it’s a huge fucking drag) and they want to celebrate Christmas and Easter and the fun holidays, they don’t waste any time. “Eh, maybe Jesus wasn’t so bad after all.”

KalamThis branch of Islam focuses mainly on the understanding of the “word of Allah.” This, combined with a natural human reasoning and intelligence will offer you salvation. Unless, of course, you reason that you don’t need Kalam to be happy.

Karaite JudaismThese followers are essentially the Jewish equivalent of the phrase, “Who gives a shit?” They believe in all that Jewie mumbo-jumbo but reject the sacred “Oral Law” or Rabbinic Jews. They’re all about their own personal interpretations of scripture and as long as you’re down with the Old Testament, you’re good to go.

KharijitesThere are many more Muslim sects than just Shiites and Sunnis, and–yes–they do get crazier. These people have traded the mortal life for a life with God, but you’ve never heard of them, so who gives a Shiite?

Magick
Magick

Louisiana VoodooMake no mistake, this is not Haitian Vodou. It’s a tourist attraction religion that provides a pin-cushion doll for your “cool” Uncle to bring back from his vacation. If I weren’t an Atheist, I’d probably say God clearly has a serious problem with Voodoo after what he did to both New Orleans and Haiti.

LutheranismConsidered the father of modern protestantism, Martin Luther gave the Catholic Church the big “fuck you,” posting 95 grievances for all to see (pre-Facebook). It was all fun and games until protestants started to put religious bans on…fun and games.

MagickThe evil occultist band Lovin’ Spoonful once asked, “Do you believe in magic?” The answer is, of course, no…BUT those who practice it think differently. Officially, “Magick” can only be used to change or interfere with something that (in the natural world) is capable of changing…such as: who shows affection towards you, or having a good day. People who buy into all this magick crap are relatively harmless–unless you get into a conversation with one.

MethodismIt seems that the only prerequisite for starting your own religion is to be loud about it. Methodists were notorious for “open-air” preaching and pissing everyone off. Luckily for us, they came to America, gathered a loud following, and got Prohibition laws put in place so everyone could have a little less fun.

MormonismJoseph Smith’s Mormonism isn’t necessarily the same Mormonism that exists today. The Latter-day Saints movement splits into various sects, but let’s pretend that it’s all Joe Smith Mormonism for the sake of argument. A notorious liar and racist, Smith developed a faith out of fear, hate, and complete badger-fucking-craziness.

Nation of Islam

Nation of IslamIf you thought real Muslims were scary, wait ’til you holla at the N.O.I. This is the Farrakhan, Malcolm X, take-no-bullshit, fake-Islam Islam and if you thought that thugged-out gangsta motherfuckers were scary, wait til you see a horde of black guys in black bow ties outside your door.

Native American MythologyUsually, we reserve the term “mythology” until most of the world has come to accept the belief as silly and antiquated, like Greek and Roman gods. But since there are hardly any real Native Americans left, it’s probably okay to just refer to all of their strongly held convictions as “retarded.”

Orthodox ChurchEssentially, this is the big league for Catholicism. This was “officially” the church that Jesus established through his Apostles and passed it down from generation to generation. Roman Catholicism is for pussies.

Rabbinic JudaismJews are easy (thought I was going to say “cheap?” Racist). If you don’t understand their traditions, rules, and rituals, then you probably haven’t read the Bible. It’s essentially all there, black and white, in any language you choose–even the weird stuff. Yeah, you think you’re following the word of god, Christians? How’s that bacon taste, heathens?!

RaelismThis is an organized group of individuals who live in a childish fantasy world where an alien race called Elohim (God) created all life. So it’s like Creationism, but with no friends. Once tried to bring about world peace with an orgy, creating the world’s largest orgasm, but they were stopped. Terrible shame.

Roman CatholicismThe world’s largest Christian organization…they even have their own tiny country (Vatican City) and–currently–a leader who used to be a Nazi! Fun!

Satanist

SatanistsThere are two kinds of Satanists, those who believe in Satan as the Judeo-Christian bringer of Evil, and those who are just misguided humanists who want to piss off their parents and draw stars on their notebooks.

ScientologyA follow-up to L. Ron Hubbard’s previous self-help system, Dianetics, Scientology seems sort-of-kind-of almost helpful in theory, but in practice it’s most likely just as twisted and evil as anything else. There have been tons of complaints about the “business” of Scientology; however, the insanity of their claims should be considered average. I mean, is it crazier to believe in volcanic aliens or a talking snake? Take your pick…

Shia, Shiite, Shi’iteDespite the name’s likeness to “shit,” these Muslims aren’t the “terrorist” ones…probably. What sets them apart is their belief that holy Imams, such as Muhammad, have spiritual and political power over today’s world…waitaminute…don’t all of our presidents believe the same thing about Jesus?

ShintoThe Japanese “Way of the Gods,” is a system in which actions speak louder than words. They worship just about everything with a strong concentration on ancestry. While there’s really no evidence of it ever being its own unified religion, the practice makes perfect.

Sikhism–These people believe that the highest attainable point in life is to achieve a truthful existence. They attempt a positive, happy, and equal relationship with everyone–no matter the race, gender, or creed. That sounds great in theory, but sometimes when they’re driving the cab you’re in, you start wishing they would cut someone off once in a while…

SmartismSounds pretty douchey and pretentious right? Wrong. Smartism is a Hindu sect that refers to a deep study of the Veda and Shastra scriptures and memorizing a bunch of laws and shit. I guess it is pretty douchey, isn’t it?

SufismThis one sounds like fun–but it’s not. Interestingly enough, Sufism attempts to define itself as the science of being closer to God. Isn’t it fun when religion attempts to disguise itself as science, and yet rejects all existing science at the same time?

Witchcraft

Sunni IslamThis is the one true faith. Blessings and peace be on the names of Allah and Muhammad. (translation: Please don’t murder me or my family)

TantraSurely, the only time you’ve heard this religion referred to is in regard to “Tantric Sex,” but there’s more (boo…)! They study the Tantra Scriptures, worship Shakti (who sounds like an old school rapper), channel energy through the divine “Godhead,” and…fuck it…Tantric Sex.

TaoismIts focus on vitality, inner peace, “non-action”, and such have turned Taoism into the single largest exporter of bullshit ever (probably). Yins and Yangs, herbal remedies…you know, all that annoying dirge that your crazy neighbor and ex-girlfriend were into.

UnitarianismThese wacky folks are notoriously made fun of for being “liberal” and “understanding.” They don’t accept the “trinity” of God, but they accept damn near everything and everyone else. Don’t they know how to run a successful religion?

WiccaWitchcraft for sad girls.

WitchcraftHoodoo for white people.

YogaSometimes, religious people figure out that they have a pretty shitty religion. They see other people in different faiths having loads of fun and they get jealous. Then they make up their own wacky combination of all those Eastern faiths and use it as an excuse to sell “stretching classes” to tourists and Westerners.

YorubaBefore Islam and Christianity came to African nations, they had something completely different: stories, songs, traditions, and practices that all served to bring their “mortal selves” closer to “a divine creator of all things.” It’s a good thing Islam and Christianity came into the picture to set them straight.

Alex G/

(return to MAIN PAGE)

(offended? suck it–I’m right)