CraigsList Creepers: Guys VS Gals! (NSFW)

alexbwBy the standards of the traditional Serial Killer, The CraigsList Killer, Philip Markoff was a huge pussy; and worse yet, he only had one successful murder under his belt. Sure he’s wanted for a few robberies, but who the fuck cares? Where was your pizzazz, Markoff? You had every single other creeper on CraigsList to contend with and all you did was steal and kill? Show us some fucking jazz-hands! Wear someone’s face as a mask…something! Philip Markoff wasn’t even the scariest person ON CraigsList, and I’m going to fucking prove it.

Today, we’re going to have ourselves a contest: Who are the bigger CraigsList creepers? Guys…or girls? Think you know the answer already? Well let’s dive right in. Oh, just to clarify…I’m only using Philadelphia, PA personal ads. Your local personals may be creepier.

Round 1

GUYS TEAM: Watch or Lend a Hand-42–“I’m looking for a woman who would enjoy watching me masturbate or would like to give me a hand…”

GALS TEAM: Highly sexual Black Man need with BBC-40–“Sweet sexy black bbw looking for her super freaky black soul mate that has a bbc. Im looking for a good man with with a heart of gold and a dick of power to rock this BBBW nightly.”

Results

This is an obvious big win for the guys. Big girl just wanted some lovin’…that ain’t no crime. I can understand posting a plea for a handy–or a blowjob–but the primary objective here was just to find someone who will watch him jack it. That means this guy is probably wanking in the park on a regular basis.

Round 2

GUYS TEAM: I’m bored…:/-29–“Hii, just looking to talk or maybe hang out with someone on my day off! Anyone that’s fun feel free to email me! :)”

GALS TEAM: Come Right Now-19–“well im looking for licking sucking and fucking with a female like right now its 11:44pm and i want it right now you can come on over now and get it popping just email me asap im dead ass serious no game players no men no couples unless a female couple hurry up and reply if you want some good good pussy”

Results

Congratulations, gals, this one’s in your court. Let’s be fair, this lovely young lady is a certified muff-diver and is therefore granted a certain male level of creepiness. The lack of punctuation here–paired with the exact time that she’s sending out this message–implies a hasty and purposeful cry for poon. For this, I give her a bit more credit; however, if this cavernous cunt actually belongs to a fucking 19 year old, I’m never having sex again.

Round 3

GUYS TEAM: DICKSUCKER NEEDS COCK & CUM (Your place or neutral spot…can’t host)-50–“Intense, agressive insatiable cocksucker looking for an agressive guy who loves to put a cockpig like myself through the paces — someone who will make me work long & hard (no quickies) for that dick & cum — kick back & treat me like the cocksucker I am — stand up & fuck my mouth & throat deep & hard — hot, wet mouth, deep fucking throat — love sucking, licking, slobbering all over that dick until it explodes. I also enjoy nip play, licking balls, ass (with right guy), poppers, lots of verbal, etc.
Masculine, discreet, d/d free guy but total cockwhore behind closed doors. 50, 6′, 235#, s&p buzz/beard/stash.
Looking to travel out within the Philly/Southern NJ area to your spot or to a neutral place (book store, etc.).”

GALS TEAM: Anyone like thick curves?-26–“Hey I am a curvy girl that wants to go out and have a great time but, i do not drive because of 2 duis ūüė¶ I miss going out and I know I’ve tried this before but i just want someone normal to have a great sat. night with. Please E-mail me back with a pic, age, and location.”

Results

Our judges actually refused to be consulted on this one. Let’s put another big fat throbbing point on the board for the guys! Desperation can, at times, come off as creepy…but who doesn’t love a desperate fat alcoholic? We can give the girls a pass this time; especially for an insatiable cocksucker like our half-a-century-old friend up there. He goes into way-too-much detail, admits he looks like¬† Billy-fucking-Mays…and wants to blow you in a bookstore. Classy.

Round 4

GUYS TEAM: I WILL COCK SLAP YOU, GIRL!!!-m4w-48–“That’s right!!! Just get your face, ass and whatever else you like COCK SLAPPED ready for a GREAT SPANKING!!! Have me lean you over and POUND the living DAYLIGHTS out of your nice, TIGHT pussy!!! FEEL my THROBBING muscle EXPANDING further when I HAMMER you with your legs over my shoulders!!! Then…get ready for YOU KNOW WHAT!!! I’m here, I’m ready. Description and/or pic with all your dirty details.”

GALS TEAM: Need a woman-33–“I am looking for a white female, 18-38, Disease free and Drug free, to lick me and pleasure me in front of my husband. Must send a picture or no reply. He does NOT want to touch you, just wants to watch me with another woman. One time deal. no one butchy please.”

Results

I know, I know…it seems like I’m being unfair here, but this is harder than I thought. I know that the guys have a pretty clear win here, but in the spirit of the contest, I have to give this point to the ladies. As if CraigsList weren’t creepy enough, you’re online searching for a partner just so your husband can watch?! I’m envisioning one of those old haunted house paintings where the eyes slide away and someone’s watching through the painting in the other room…somehow the phrase “HE DOES NOT WANT TO TOUCH YOU” seems to imply that he actually really really does.

Round 5

GUYS TEAM: Athletic and Geeky guy looking to meet new people-21–“My interests include Video Games, Paintballing, Martial Arts, Movies, Acrobatics, and other etc. random things.”

GALS TEAM: Searching for sum additional playfulness–“I would like to meet a new guy for fun and excitement. Im really relaxed, I enjoy talking shallow or deep, I laugh at pretty much anything and I never waste a single day! I am a pretty truthful woman and I like people who are honest and direct. I like to get it hard and fast from behind and get my hair tugged some. Doggy makes me feel primitive and carnal which really gets me going.. I love that feeling of crazy animal sex. Its great if you have a nice big cock for me. I am very oral too and just love to moan a drool over a nice cock. If you want to meet you could mail me.”

Results

I’m not sure here…this chick seems totally honest and horny, but…does she go overboard? The guy is really direct and vague–but his picture looks like he might skin you alive. I think I’m going to have to call this one a draw. I don’t know how old the girl is, but she’s obviously got one thing on her mind. The guy, on the other hand, seems like he may be hiding a bit too much to make anyone comfortable…

Round 6

GUYS TEAM: Bensalem Hotel-m4w-38–“Looking to give oral to any woman. I’m in a Bensalem hotel.”

GALS TEAM: (fuck it)

Results

This one popped immediately. I’m not even going to try to find a female CraigsLister to rival this. I just want to call the police and let them know that if anyone responds to this guy‘s post, they deserve whatever happens to them. “I’m in a Bensalem hotel…” jesus christ.

Round 7

GUYS TEAM: Seeking F for hot sensual fun tonight in Philly area-m4w-39–“Any female interested? I’m a 39 year old divorced white male looking for a female for hot sensual fun tonight. Could be a one time thing or long term. It has been a while and i’m seeking a low stress thing. Interested? I’m 6’1 205 lbs. I have face pics if interested. Please reply with photo and tell me about you.
I’m looking froward to your response.
I’m in Philadelphia and can travel to you.”

GALS TEAM: Hot Cowboys-w4m-36–“are there any hot young cowboys / farmboys going to the Bloomsburg Fair to see Sugarland Oct 1 st????”

Results

Guys, you are on a fucking roll. Keep it up–and keep those penis-shots coming…no pun intended. The best thing about the obligitory CraigsList cock-shot is the fact that there are usually no faces in the picture…this is done for one reason: because women on CraigsList don’t fucking care what you look like! This guy tried to cram some of his face into the picture, but it just looks like he’s running out of breath trying to take the picture and masturbate at the same time. Win!

Round 8

GUYS TEAM: need a flash at the office-m4w-37–“I am all alone in my office today and tomorrow, I would love for a woman to come over, flash me her chest and then leave. I know there has to be someone out there that would love to do this.”

GALS TEAM: i’m bored-w4mm-20–“Blk. female bored
wheres the parties at i hear alot about nsa parties where they at??
my partner is sleep dont know what to do”

Results

The gals team has managed to gain some awesome points in this round–but the guys still take it. Ladies, if you’re bored, and your partner is asleep, take a lesson from this chick…maybe just call for pizza delivery from Domino’s and Papa John’s at the same time…two delivery guys will show up, and you won’t be bored anymore…plus, with all that heavy cheese, you might just find out you like scat parties as well. Guys, if you’re at work so long that you need to ask someone to flash you and then leave, you need to quit your job.

Round 9

GUYS TEAM: Want a fuck buddy-m4w-51–“Looking for a FEMALE friend and a fun sex friend too. NOT MEN, NO MEN and NO fakes, I’m not going to any site to see anything or anyone!!!”

GALS TEAM: local hook up-w4mw-20–“anyone local wanna hit this? sexy bbw in need. fuck my pain away. you gotta host and might need to pick me up. shaved, tight, wet, and waiting. you get bonus points if you party (not booze). send pic to get reply.”

Results

I’m starting to sense a trend here. Men of all ages, shapes, colors, and cock-sizes are using CraigsList as a means to an end. Some use it to find true love, but that’s fucking rare. Most just want a quickie, a tug-job, or a fantasy fulfilled. Women, on the other hand, use CraigsList only when they’re horny and desperate, but too large to leave the house. If women are forced to say BBW, men should be forced to say CHODE. Let’s give this one to the guys…just for the rampant homophobia and tiny prick.

Final Round

GUYS TEAM: need your feet for 5 minutes-m4w-37–“I am looking for a woman that will let me use her feet. We will meet, you take off your shoes and I will rub one out and finish on your feet. It is real simple, ideally we could do it without talking.”

Is that 25% of a corn dog?! Christ almighty...
Is that 25% of a corn dog?! Christ almighty...

GALS TEAM: CD Gang Bang-t4m-43–“Sexy CD looking to get gang banged next Weds night at the Inn of the Dove in Cherry Hill. I love to take it in my ass and eat multiple loads of sperm. You need to be HWP, D&D free, well hung, and able to cum in buckets. I also want to video tape the fun but don’t worry, we don’t need to show your face. For consideration please send me some pics (face and cock) and then I’ll let you know the details. I’m happy to provide my own pics in response. I look forward to tasting you.”

Results

This was a very competitive round. Both parties really played their A-Games when the chips were down. Although I kind of cheated here, the ladies (even this round was a cross-dresser) take this one marvelously. This one doesn’t take “no” for an answer. Video tape the fun? Buckets of cum? Sounds like a fucking party! Just tell her to tape down her cock and you won’t know the difference.

Final Results!

The ladies fought valiantly with a respectable 4/10, but this match has unsurprisingly gone the way of the superior race–Men–with an unwavering creepiness that will surely haunt all of our dreams. The dudes pull ahead in this match-up with a stunning 7/10! And that was being generous to the ladies!

Yes, as I expected, it was much more difficult to find women willing to degrade themselves to the point of putting themselves in physical danger on CraigsList. Most women are just too smart for that, and guys–well–they have the advantage of being potential CraigsList Killers.

So, until next time, CraigsListers…carry condoms, photograph your penises close-up so they look bigger, and always make sure your stunningly gorgeous date isn’t packing plums in her panties. Goodnight!

Alex G/

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Sex Blogger Misty Kaye’s 10 Reasons I Won’t Reply to You

mistyavatarMen, you suck at online dating.¬† You’re not just a little bit bad at it. You really, really suck.¬† Yes, you’ve got it tough.¬† More than half of the decent personal ads out there are just spammers in disguise, and the real girls are so inundated with potential suitors that you’re likely to get lost in the crowd.¬† But if you think being a girl in the online dating world is easy, you’ve got it all wrong.¬† Rifling through all of the bullshit you guys send us isn’t for the faint of heart, and sometimes it’s downright painful.¬† So I’m going to give you a break with the hope that some of you will learn from your mistakes – and the mistakes of so many others – and tell you exactly what it is you’re doing wrong.

1. YOUR EMAIL IS IN CAPITAL LETTERS

“HI I AM 44, 205LB BLUES EYE BROWN HAIR 5’11. I AM LOOKING FOR A GREAT WOMAN WHO LOOKING FOR LTR. I ENJOY CAMPING, FLY FISH, PHOTOGRAPHY AND ALL TYOE OF SPORTS. i REAL LIKE TO GET OUT AND SEE NEW PLACE AND ENJOY NATURE. I AM RETIRED SO I HAVE ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD FOR A RELATIONSHIP. I WOULD LIKE TO FIND A WOMAN WHO WOULD ENJOY THE THING I LIKE TO DO AS I WOULD LIKE TO DO THE THING SHE LIKE TO DO ALSO.

I AM CARING,LOVING MAN WHO TREAT WOMAN WITH RESPECT. I BELIEVE THAT ANY RELATIONSHIP IS BUILDED ON TRUST, HONIESTY AND COMMUCATION WITHOUT THESE THREE THING THERE IS NO RELATIONSHIP. I BELIVE THAT A RELATIONSHIP IS BUILD BY TWO PEOPLE AND IT ALWAYS NEED REBUILDING AS TIME GO BYE. I AM SUPORRTIVE OF THE PERSON I AM WITH IN THEY CAREER AND PERSONAL LIFE.

I ENJOY KIDS AND HOW YOU WILL TOO AS I HAVE THREE DAUGHTER ALL IN THEY TEENS. THEY DON’T NEED A MOM THEY HAVE A GREAT ONE BUT A FRIEND IS ALWAY NICE. I HOPE TO HEAR FROM YOU SOON.”

—You may be the wittiest, most charming thing on two (three?) legs, but everything you say is going to sound like a monster truck show if you SAY IT IN CAPITAL LETTERS.¬† If you didn’t know by now, typing in capital letters is considered shouting.

Would you walk up to a girl in person and shout your pick-up lines in her face?  If the answer is yes I suggest you give up now and save yourself, and the poor ladies that cross your path, a lot of headaches.  Otherwise, take a moment to refresh your memory on proper capitalization and DO IT RIGHT.

2. Your email would make an English teacher’s eyes bleed

“Am a blak male 24yr about 5’6 an i love movies xbox an sex an fun i like all games like to laugh but hit me to know more

—Maybe you’re not an English major and your email isn’t being submitted to a literary journal, but that doesn’t mean you can’t use complete sentences, decent grammar, and (for God’s sake!) a spell checker.¬† You’re trying to make a good first impression, remember? Sending a girl one big run-on sentence with 47 typos isn’t the way to do that.

Once you’ve finished writing your email, take a moment to read through it and check for some obvious mistakes.¬† Proofreading skills a little rusty?¬† Read it out loud, and ask yourself if that’s how you’d say it in person.¬† If not, you’ve got some work to do.¬† And, for goodness’ sake, boys, please learn the proper uses of you’re/your and there/their/they’re, and don’t EVER say “u” or “ur.”

3. You lack that personal touch

“I’m Porat I’m 27 and I currently live in Tacoma. I’ve been here for about 4 years, I moved up here from California (where I grew up).I currently work full time for a behavioral health clinic in Seattle as a financial case manager. I’m not too sure what to expect from this but I’m always looking to meet new people. Well if you’re interested let me know.”

—You guys may think you’re increasing your odds by sending the same pre-written response to every girl who posts a personal ad, but this rapid-fire approach is bound to fail.¬† By not including anything in your response that addresses her ad directly (“I love that you only wear purple socks, that’s my favorite color!”) you’re telling her that you don’t really care who she is.¬† As long as she’s a living, breathing mammal, you’re game.¬† I can’t tell you how flattering that is.¬† It sure makes me want to drop my panties for you.

Additionally, sending an email to every single girl that posts means you haven’t personally selected her ad based on the things she said about herself and what she wants in a potential partner. In the unlikely event that a girl responds positively to this approach, the likelihood that the two of you will get along is much lower than if you had only contacted women that are interesting to you and looking for the same things in life. In short, this approach is a waste of everyone’s time.

4. Gratuitous Ab Shots

Theres plenty of cock-shots on CraigsList, too...if youre interested.
There's plenty of cock-shots on CraigsList, too...if you're interested.

—I know you’re proud of all of the hard work that goes into those sweet abs, but please don’t be so pushy about showing them off.¬† Unless a girl has posted her ad in the casual encounters section of a dating site or specifically mentioned the importance of a nice body in her ad, these kinds of pictures are inappropriate for a first email and, honestly, just plain ridiculous.¬† Try showing her there’s more to you than just a set of abs.¬† Unless there isn’t, in which case you’d better just use what you’ve got and hope for the best.

5. Throw me a freakin’ bone, here!

“I went to an Ultimate Frisbee game last June with a girlfriend. Never been to one before. Met some cool people.

-Seth”

—Replying to a personal ad with small talk, a description of your dog, or a dull question about one of her interests (“Since you’re a baker, maybe you can tell me how they get that delicious creamy filling into a Twinkie.”) may seem like a great way to get a conversation started, but if you take this approach, you’re really missing the point.¬† Unlike in a bar or club, when a girl posts a personal ad she’s putting herself out there as available and asking you if you’re interested.¬† This isn’t the time for small talk, you’ve got to get in there and tell her you like her.¬† I can assure you, there are 20 other guys who have already told her, so if you’re wasting time on small talk why would she waste her time on you?

6. LOL, you’re not as funny as you think


“How is your week goin so far? My knee has been bugging me this work week. I can‚Äôt wait for the weekend! Lol‚Ķ Looks like it going to finally rain out there. Its about time. We are due for a good rain.”

—I’m not sure how else to say this: Guys, please stop laughing at your own jokes.¬† Sprinkling your email with a bunch of LOLs doesn’t show your sense of humor.¬† Every good comedian knows you don’t laugh at your own material, so just stop it.¬† And if you simply must LOL at yourself, at least make sure you’ve said something funny.

7. You think short is sweet

“We should talk. I saw your ad and think we’d have fun together.
– Thayer”

—In most cases, I’ve taken a few minutes to write out a thoughtful personal ad telling you a little bit about myself and what I’m looking for.¬† If you don’t have time to do the same in your response, then you probably don’t have time to be dating.¬† Next!

8. Your picture is not worth a thousand words

Im about 400 pounds...white...
"I'm about 400 pounds...white..."

Whether it’s a snapshot of your sweet smile or your kick-ass abs, expecting your photo to do all the talking isn’t going to cut it.¬† Even the pretty boys have to open their mouths eventually, so make sure to include a few consonants and vowels with that jpeg.

9. Save the drama for your mama

“I believe life is but a journey and with each new experience we grow ever closer to understanding the existential nature of who and why we are. Everything you are is the culmination of everything you have been. Therefore if you are someone I enjoy I have to have reverence for the collection of events that is your past.

The notion of a perfect mate is a myth. My own life is rife with imperfection and it has been my experience that your own level of perfection is inversely proportional to how perfect you believe yourself to be.

As far as has been proved to me, we have but one life to live. Our days should be cherished and our moments celebrated with as much rapture as we can muster. With this in mind my most beloved moments were in the company of those nearest and dearest to my heart and soul.”

—[snip…blah, blah, blah]
—Look guys, I didn’t want to read your shitty poetry in high school, and I don’t want to read it now in response to my personal ad.¬† That means both actual poetry and overly-dramatic attempts at being charming.¬† You may think your prose is sex on wheels, but odds are you just sound cheesy.

10. If I wanted to read a novel I’d be picking up guys at the bookstore

Yes, I told you not to make your responses too short, but don’t go overboard.¬† Your first email is about introducing yourself and letting me know what you liked about me and what I might like about you.¬† This isn’t the time for your hopes and dreams or a detailed look at your family history.¬† Just a good paragraph or two will get this thing started.¬† If I am wading through 45 email responses and open yours to find a 10 page essay, I’m likely to just click the¬† Next button and never look back.

And now for a few honorable mentions:

Using ellipses instead of periods
Will you use that many dramatic pauses when we meet in person? I…hope…not…

I’m just not that into you
Let’s face it: Even if you haven’t broken any of the rules, I just may not be into you.¬† Them’s the breaks.

Talking about your appearance when including a picture
Dude, you don’t have to tell me you have brown hair, I can see it for myself.¬† And don’t tell me how cute you are. Aren’t I supposed to be the judge of that?

Including your Myspace link
We’re all adults here, okay?¬† Let’s act like it.

Misty Kaye

(you can read more from Misty at www.HerKnees.com)

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The SuperDPS Guide to Un-Sexy

alexbwAs an American male who has long-since been desensitized to the likes of Two Girls, One Cup, I think it’s safe to say there is very little taboo in this age. You can be a sexual deviant and be a mega-star. You can be a child predator and still wind up making it big on MSNBC.

There’s no doubt that it’s a very sexy time to be alive. Aging hippies will talk of free love, fucking in trees and bushes, in public, on the steps of Congress. The young generation boasts about the blowjob they received behind a Wawa, or Denny’s. This is the same generation that brought us sexting (underage sexual text messages and pictures) which the media will claim as child pornography…but shouldn’t it be acceptable for sharing between consenting young adults?

The truth is that in the hands of the wrong people, something with convoluted sexuality (like “sexting”) may have the potential to be dangerous. But for the harmless, law-abiding, sexual creature, whatever doesn’t fuck you can only make you harder. This is a guide to those elements of sexuality and weirdness that put one over that thin red line that divides the objectively kinky from the universally creepy.

...universally creepy.
...universally creepy.

Analloeroticism (Asexuality)You should never trust people who voluntarily detach themselves from sex; especially because any reasoning they give is complete horse shit. Whether it be spirituality, intellect, or a complete lack of passion, human beings who consider themselves “asexual” usually end up being deviant monsters whose inevitable life-long repression finds a way to rear its ugly head.

(Runners up: Agalmatophilia, Acne, According to Jim)

Bible, TheThere are countless groups attempting to promote the idea that the biblical definitions of sex and relationships are the end-all-be-all. Some consider sex to be a spiritual or religious experience, and that’s fine. But there’s nothing sexy about basing your fucking on a ridiculous ancient text…unless it’s the Kama Sutra, in which case…you probably shouldn’t try.

(Runners up: B/O, Balloon Fetish, Burn Victims, Being Raped By Mike Tyson, Bobby Jindal)

Coprophilia–Poop, scat, feces, diarrhea…these things should never be sexually gratifying in any way. Let’s say, just for the sake of argument, you decide it might be kinky to take a shit on your lover’s chest. You both agree (because you’re both fucking stupid) and you go for it. It’s all well and good until you realize you’re taking a shit on someone and that shit is going to have to be cleaned up. By you. If you have to shit during sex, you probably shouldn’t be having sex.

(Runners up: Cock rings, Cannibalism, Crabs, Craigslist)

Douchebags–While this seems like a somewhat unfair choice (because I’m subjectively defining the term), I think it’s an accurate representation. By definition the term has a negative connotation, but it can refer to almost anyone. Unfortunately, a douchebag can be sexy…but you’ll soon find that you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake.

(Runners up: Dendrophilia, Dominos Pizza, Dave Coulier)

Erotophonophilia–There’s nothing wrong with a little violence to get your rocks off, but when it turns into getting sexually excited by murder, you just become psychofuck serial killer. Thank christ that we have psychologists and psychoanalysts who spend their lives coming up with scientific names for these mental disorders, or we wouldn’t know it as erotophonophilia. We’d simply know it as “Daddy masturbates to the History Channel.”

(Runners up: Eels, Edible Panties, Enemas, Eugene Levy)

Frotteurism–Sexual pleasure from strangers is fine (in fact, it is possibly the basis of all porn); however, this particular “ism” refers to the sexual excitement that comes from casually rubbing against strangers; i.e. that guy who tried to get by you on the train was, in fact, creaming his jeans as he touched your soft white shoulder.

(Runners up: Formicophilia, Facebook Creepers, Futanari, Furries, Fish Fucking)

These signs need to be around everywhere. A friendly reminder is always nice.
These signs need to be around everywhere. A friendly reminder is always nice.

Guro–Possibly the most violent and bizarre form of hentai (comic pornography), Guro blows my mind. The genre has a reputation of involving the most disgustingly violent forms of sex (i.e. rape, skull-fucking, horrorporn). Am I not hip, or is that wholly un-sexy? Guro is certainly interesting to peruse. It can be quite psychological and strange…but it’s still…totally…not sexy.

(Runners up: Girls Gone Wild, Ghosts, Grover Bodies, Gary Busey, Gap Kids)

Horoscopes–If a chick asks you what your Astrological sign is, don’t get involved. If a guy asks you what your Astrological sign is, he’s probably probably retarded…or incredibly bright, depending on how you look at it…but he is taking a huge risk. People who gauge their lives based on a random blurb in the newspaper have monumentally unattractive personalities and dependence issues.

(Runners up: Hebephilia, Hairyness, Harry Potter, Hooters)

Intellectual LazinessIs there any bigger turn-off than stupidity? Maybe Lip Hair…yes. Lip hair would be a bigger turn-off. But, look…there’s no problem with not being the brightest crayon in the box, but the desire to grow has to be there. In guys and gals, if you’re a dummy, you’re a dummy; but if you sit there and drool while someone is trying to explain something to you, you’re either medically retarded, or you’re a Creationist.

(Runners Up: Infantophilia, IUD, IHOP, Idealism, Islam, IKEA Furniture)

Juicy Shorts–On¬†a nice ass, it doesn’t matter what the logo says. “Oh, Juicy ass? Okay, why not?” But most perceptions of a “juicy” ass are extremely negative. The worst thing about the whole “juicy” craze is that no one whose ass you could comfortably call “juicy” wears the fucking shorts. They’re always either worn by 12-year olds or the morbidly obese. False Advertising.

(Runners Up: Jon and Kate Plus 8, Jedi, Japanese Porn)

The pairing of Juicy, Cherries, and Underage Girls is enough to make even Chris Hansen go, How the fuck did I miss this?!
The pairing of "Juicy, Cherries, and Underage Girls" is enough to make even Chris Hansen go, "How the fuck did I miss this?!"

Kilts (on men)–Scotland’s exports to the United States are all things that it has become necessary to re-gift…or just throw away. Their food isn’t food. Golf is one of the most boring activities one can engage in and still claim to be having “fun” (aside from bowling). And men wearing knee-skirts seems evil and wrong. When waitresses at Scottish bars wear kilts, it’s fresh and exciting, like¬†a schoolgirl that you wouldn’t go to prison for fucking. An attractive man wearing a kilt might as well be living in a cave. An unattractive man wearing a kilt is probably Scottish.

(Runners Up: Klismaphilia, Kohl’s, Keith Richards, Kat Von D, Karaoke, Kafka)

Learning Yoga–I’d like to think that all of those able-bodied people who can actually do yoga are just born with that talent. I can’t even touch my fucking toes and these people are turning their bodies into soft¬†pretzels. The practice of yoga is absolutely sexy; but the jackasses who think they can move their body like that when they haven’t even stretched since High School gym class need to think twice.

(Runners Up: Lactaphilia, Lil Wayne, Love Stories, Lane Bryant)

Masking–Possibly the most unnerving and unsettling sexual fetish is “masking.” I can appreciate the concepts of role play, costumes, and even latex/rubber fetishes (but what’s the point?); however, the concept of “masking” takes this all a step further. Maskers are men who make human female “skin outfits” out of latex and wear them around as if they are in a woman’s body. It’s¬†like…EXTREME CROSS-DRESSING. It verges way-too-close to House of 1000 Corpses for me to find sexually appealing. But then again, I’m not a cross-dresser…or a psychotic.

(Runners Up: Menophilia, Mucophilia, MySpace, Mall Cops, Mahjong, Moustaches, Milk)

Nihilists–There’s something to be said about individuals who stand by the non-existence of morality and law. Nihilists believe in nothing, and while–as an atheist–I have a certain admiration for disbelievers, there is very little that can be considered attractive about these people. Sure, you’ll meet your artsy guy or gal who claims to be a nihilist; but you’ll soon find that they are an a dark abyss where personality and sexuality are fucking extinct.

(Runners Up: NASCAR, Nickelodeon, Nation Geographic, Needledicks, Necrophilia)

Obesity–Allow me to clarify that, for the record, there is nothing wrong with fat-bottomed girls. You don’t need to be skinny to be sexy. Classical artists painted heavyset women for ages…plump chicks wearing velvet, eating apples in the Garden of Eden, chugging wine like it’s 1509. I’ll leave it at this: you never see Michelangelo’s portraits of 300+ pound women washing themselves with rags on sticks and being carried out of their homes through a truck-sized hole in the wall.

(Runners Up: Olive Garden, Octomom, Occult)

Plushophilia–Although I’ve already mentioned “Furries” as a ‘Runner Up,’ I felt obligated to give them the recognition they so richly deserve. A physical attraction to stuffed animals is only magnified when it is embodied by lovers in mascot costumes. If you’ve ever had sex with a girl who was laughing at you the whole time, imagine the feeling of looking down at a googly-eyed hippopotamus (or some shit) staring up at your with a shit-eating grin on its face. Now that’s a boner-killer.

(Runners Up: Pedophilia–obviously, Prom, Poop, Pottery Barn, PBS Kids)

This must be how Stormtroopers are punished for incopetence...
This must be how Stormtroopers are punished for incopetence...

Quagmires (sexual)–Many stories have been told about the unpleasantness of first-time sex. It is known as being bumbling, staggering, messy, and–one way or another–it’s over far too fast. Of course this is a generalization made by a vast majority who are sexually awkward the first time they fuck. This is an excusable quagmire. After you’ve had¬†a considerable level of experience, these sexual blunders only become acceptable if you get ‘camera-shy.’

(Runners Up: QVC, Queans, Querimonies, Quaternitarians, Questioning the legitimacy of this list)–yeah, look those up, bitches.

Reenactors–There’s nothing wrong with being a history buff. Being interested in anything that much is totally hot; but when it takes over your personality to the point that you become a character in a recurring story, you’ve drained yourself of that appeal. This goes mainly for men. Ladies, if you can pull off some sexy cosplay, go for it! Guys, isn’t that enough?

(Runners Up: Rush Limbaugh, Radio Shack, Religion, Reparations)

Symphorophilia–While I’m trying to stay away from criticizing paraphilia that others may hold dear, there are some which–if you dohold them dear–there’s something deeply and disturbingly wrong with you. Symphorophilia refers to the sexual attraction one would (but shouldn’t) receive from witnessing a horrible disaster, such as a plane crash or…holocaust. It goes beyond sadism. It’s driving past a car accident on the side of the road, checking it out, and getting a boner. Sexy enough for ya?

(Runners Up: Space Camp, Sex Offenders, Sesame Street, Sheep, Shingles)

Trichophilia–Evidently, it’s extremely rare (percentage-wise) for women to experience paraphilia. That’s not to say that women have no interest in the evils of fetishism; however, the ratio of guys to gals who get freaky is way-skewed. For this one, I think it could easily go either way. Remember the days when being “shaved” was an extreme sexual rarity? Now fucking everyone goes hairless–or mostly hairless–and the world is much better for it. Who needs those freaks who live in the past? And who wants to be picking pubes out of their teeth?

(Runners Up: Twilight, Two and a Half Men, Titty-hugs from titless strippers)

This is the result of thorough daily manscaping.
This is the result of thorough daily manscaping.

Ursusagalmatophilia–Having already mentioned the Furries, I don’t feel the need to go too far in depth with this one. Ursusa-whatthefuck-philia is the sexual attraction one might–or might not–have towards a Teddy Bear. But to be fair, who can resist their button-eyes, unassuming expressions, and the empty soulless feeling you get from sticking your dick in a hollowed out Teddy Bear?

(Runners Up: Ugg Boots, Unemployment, UK Basketball)

Vorarephilia–There are individuals who exist (yes, they exist) who don’t enjoy being eaten out. Whether it be ass or vajazz…some don’t like performing or receiving. Now, if you don’t like it, you don’t like it…but what if I tried to sell you this…(allow me to play Billy Mays for a moment) ‘Hi Billy Mays here for being eaten alive! Are you a human being who dreams of being a helpless rodent, devoured whole by a massive python?! Well with my new product, Vore-be-gone, you can experience the sensation of being eaten and digested by another living thing, without leaving your living room!’ What the fuck is wrong with you people?!

(Runners Up: Vampirism, Vulcans, Video Diaries, Vitamin Enthusiasts)

Wizard PornHarry Potter has suffered an onslaught of fan fiction horseshit. It’s not surprising, it’s just unnerving. Why is it that out of all the teenage angst and sexual tension in those Harry Potter books/movies, aspiring uber-nerds spend their time scribing the homosexual adventures of Potter and Malfoy–or Potter and that annoying ginger kid? There are plenty of chicks in the picture…and Hermione’s getting kinda hot, so why not? Of course, if you really think about it…even straight wizard sex is kinda gay.

(Runners Up: Words of Wisdom, Wigs, Whinging, WalMart, World of Warcraft)

Xanga-When horny old men aren’t trolling MySpace, Facebook, or Twitter for fresh meat, they use Xanga…so it’s probably safe to say that there are hardly any horny old men on Xanga. But, for the purposes of this “X,” let’s assume that there are. What better way to scope out under-age girls with low self esteem? Their parents don’t understand them and their friends are all bitches. You’re the only one who really understands her…so why not? Some guys get off on girls’ desperation…but, those guys are all still in college. We’ve moved on.

(Runners Up: Xenophobia, Xanex)

Yard Art–Also called “Lawn Ornaments” or “Lawn Decor,” Yard Art is truly a sign of the sexually repressed and artistically retarded. Discovering a pink flamingo, garden gnome, wooden windmill, or crudely painted-not-so-funny-plywood-cutout-folk-art sticking out of your neighbor’s obsessively manipulated green grass is a sure sign that they’re probably in the business of enslaving children.

(Runners Up: YMCA Creeper Swim)

And who can forget the adorable folksy nature of having a little piece of racism on your front porch?
And who can forget the adorable folksy nature of having a little piece of racism on your front porch?

Zoophilia–We’ve had a lot of fun here today, but there’s nothing funny about fucking a horse…okay, there’s something funny about fucking a horse–especially if you do it more than once, with the same horse…like this guy. Beastiality is possibly the most intense form of animal adoration out there. Beat that, PeTA! It takes the term “dog lover” to a whole new level…truly man’s best friend.

On the other side of this is Zoosadism, a runner-up for this entry…which is essentially the thrill of seeing animals in pain. Also, this means if you’re pissed off at Michael Vick, you should probably also be against hunting, fishing, bull fighting, horse racing, and any other “sport” that provides us with a fun and exciting way to say “fuck you” to animals…without actually fucking them.

(Runners Up: Zoosadism, Zodiac Signs, Zeitgeist)

I’d like to believe that this guide will be helpful to anyone who had to ask themselves the self-depreciating question, “Should I be masturbating to this?” It’s an important question to ask before risking¬†feeling completely miserable with guilt for the rest of your day life. If any of you have any disagreements, Runners Up, or changes you feel could be made to this very important document, please don’t hesitate to voice your opinion. It can be changed. It’s a living document…

…just try not to have sex with it.

Alex G/

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