Talking Nerdy Episode 87: 2 Reasons to Watch the Kids Choice Awards

In this episode, we make our completely valid and non-creepy predictions for the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards. We also play a round of Jose Can-Say-So, check out our March Madness standings, and Dan tells us what he learned from Cosmos!

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The SuperDPS Guide to Conspiracy Theories

From the beginning of time, the mentally unstable have turned healthy skepticism and questioning authority into a madhouse of unpredictable, unprovable, and unimaginably nonsensical theories.

The eternal unanswerable question is “Why?” Why would the government fake a moon landing, house alien life forms, cover up the paranormal, or orchestrate a terrorist attack? The reason we don’t know “why,” is simple: because it’s not true.

Reality is a harsh mistress, and the pains and revelations that come with it are even harsher. But let’s suspend reality for a moment and ‘spelunk’ into the deepest caverns of psychotic Conspiracy Theories (after all, if Jesse Ventura believes it, it must be true).

Area 51–Let’s just dive balls-first into this, shall we? It seems that whenever an individual of limited intellectual capacity can’t fathom an easy answer to a question, the result is one of two not-so-different options. Either religion, or conspiracy. Because the government barely acknowledges the existence of this military base/possible testing facility, and the public is allowed no where near it, obviously it must be a cover-up. The film Independence Day mocked this theory with subtle glee, while playing up the wacky fantasy that perhaps the government is hiding information about alien life on Earth…or time traveling robots, or whatever your imagination can dream up.

Bilderberg Group–This is actually a real organization. Unlike the Illuminati or the Stone Cutters, this fraternal order of the rich and influential is legitimate in that its existence is based in the real world. Its purpose and practices, however, are the makings of the conspiracy theorist’s wet dream. The group was created to address concerns about individuals being “Anti-Western World” and to increase trust in an effort towards “unity and peace.” Essentially, it’s a boys’ club–but the “boys” in question are amongst the most powerful and influential people in the world. They don’t control the world, they’re not a secret world government, they’re a bunch of old men having a discussion–like when your Grandpop goes to his American Legion meetings–except, add a couple trillion dollars. It’s easy to develop these “what are they really up to?” feelings towards the unreasonably rich. But no one ever questions the wealthiest Conspiracy pushers about what their real motives are.

ChemTrails–This theory may be one of the more insane and delusional claims made by conspiracy theorists. Simply put, this is the idea that the streaks of condensed water vapor left behind by planes or jets in the sky are actually a secret government “crop dusting” effort to control the population. These “chemical trails,” must be a frightening phenomenon to most people because, well, anything that can be easily explained by grade school science can’t be the true reality.

DTV Transition–There are several raving hypotheses regarding the semi-recent switch to Digital Television boxes becoming a must-have for those of us who don’t subscribe to Cable. The most prominent of which is that the government has installed tracking and/or camera surveillance systems in the DTV boxes to keep a Big Brother eye on us as we lazily watch television all day. This makes almost perfect sense; but wait, what if the DTV boxes emitted some kind of mythical mind-control waves to force us to buy things we see on commercials…or even…gasp…vote for a particular presidential candidate?!

Everlasting Light Bulb and the ELF–On very rare occasions, Conspiracy Theories can be beneficial to the future of humanity. In the 1980’s, it was postulated that a lightbulb was invented which would never run out of power. It was bought by a corporation and hidden so that we would keep buying temporary bulbs. Now, researchers are actually working on extremely long-lasting bulbs for consumer use, so this reality isn’t too far off.

Briefly, ELF (extra-low frequency) or infrasound is a theory that the government/aliens/the Jews are producing messages or mind-controlling elements that can’t be picked up by traditional devices. Some believe that they can actually hear these messages, but in all fairness, these same people also are notorious for rolling around in their own batshit.

Federal Reserve–The Federal Reserve is obviously a real institution, but the theory is that they are an anti-American world power built on the destruction of the currency in order to create and establish their own infinite power over the Western world. It’s been fairly well established in the past few years that leaders of the big banks (the Fed being the biggest) are not necessarily looking out for the best interests of the people. Are they manipulative? Dishonest? Unfair? Probably; but are they an evil organization bent on world domination? Well, what are they waiting for? Another collapse?

Global Warming–When we can’t get a total grasp on new scientific data, we tend to get dismissive and angry. Are we approaching an Ice Age or a nightmare hellscape of Earth’s core bursting from within? There is a lot of dispute, mostly amongst the religious sects and the paranoid about the End of Days and the coming apocalypse with no regard to the possibility that we may be able to prevent it. “Global Warming” is a scare tactic, like “Obama Care” or “Katy Perry’s tits.” Our planet’s climate is changing and whether we’re causing it directly, or it is a natural result of elements is still up for debate. What isn’t up for debate is whether or not Climate Change is a conspiracy to throw the Traditional American Life off balance. Especially because the typical American citizen is already off balance.

HAARP–The High Frequency Active Auroral Research Program is a massive defense project with the purpose of developing radio communications and surveillance. When it comes down to creating high frequency radio waves in order to further define military strategies is, HAARP will inevitably become a White Whale for Conspiracy Theorists. HAARP is blamed for causing weather anomalies (which is, of course, much more believable than Global Warming), and this goes so far that it is actually blamed for the 2010 Haitian earthquake. Not fault lines, not the movement of plates, but a high frequency radio wave. This is what happens when you base your logic and reason off of X-Men and The X-Files.

Illuminati–Contrary to popular belief, the Illuminati was a real organization established in Bavaria in 1776. It was an enlightenment-era organization for self-proclaimed “free-thinkers,” modeled after the societal structure of the Freemasons. Where the Freemasons were based mostly around the “working man,” the Illuminati attracted the literary crowd; writers, poets, and philosophers. If we’ve learned anything from The Little Rascals, it’s whenever a private institution is established (even if it is temporary), outsiders will create radical and imaginative concepts about what goes on behind those closed doors. If there is an Illuminati today, it exists in much the same way as it has historically, and not working towards controlling the world.

Kennedy Assassination–No matter how many times the trajectory, timing, aiming, and planning behind this nationally heartbreaking event are laid out, proven and established, the conspiracy theory will still continue. On a large scale, the conspiracy has switched from “Who Shot JFK?” to “What elements led up to his murder?” This is a fair argument to make, but, ultimately, it’s an argument that will go nowhere. It may be no coincidence that both John and Bobby Kennedy were assassinated, but the facts and evidence for both remain soundly in favor of one lone psychopath. And making up fables of interconnected agencies plotting the demise of the Kennedy family simply isn’t the reality.

Landing on the Moon–Surprisingly, I’ve met people who insist that the Apollo 11 Moon landing in 1969 was an elaborate hoax. What baffles me is the idea that the government couldn’t cover up a break in at a Hotel, or a Presidential blowjob, so how would they ever keep something as gigantic as a mission to the Moon under wraps? And for over 50 years! There are many reasons why the Moon landing was as real and significant as any other major historical event, but I won’t be bothered to go into it. Man has been to the moon. Several times.

Manchurian Candidate–A 1959 novel by Richard Condon, later spawning a Frank Sinatra film and a Denzel Washington remake, The Manchurian Candidate has become a terrifying reality for many paranoid and mentally unstable Americans. The concept is that the government plucks individuals off the streets, programs them to become a super soldier or government-controlled drone, then wipes their memory. Sooner or later they will be called upon to perform a particular task, whether it be assassination, domestic terrorism, or whatever the powers that be need accomplished that day. The individuals have no memory or recollection of these acts or having been programmed to complete them. Essentially, this batch of sci-fi nonsense is a catch-all back up for any other conspiracy theory.

New World Order–Popularized by lunatics in the media and controversial documentaries, the New World Order is the crown jewel of conspiracy theories. The real scare tactic put into play here is that everyone, no matter who you are, is fucked. The government, the aliens, the sleeper cells, the Federal Reserve, the media, the Jews, the black president; they’re all coming to get you, to turn you into a drone for their own capitalist order. The end result is that the powers in charge will create unified continents, much like the European Union. A North American Union is their biggest fear: Canada, USA, and Mexico under one unified law and currency. Once these unions occur all over the globe, the next logical step would be a one world Union, and that rolls out the carpet for the Big One: The One World Government.

Obama Care–I’m not particularly ashamed of living in America, with access that all of the wonderful things my country has to offer, but I’d be lying if I said I weren’t ashamed of my fellow Americans. Conspiracy Theories are insane because they’re delusional and ultimately unprovable. There really is no conspiracy because every corporate or media propaganda for the purposes of keeping people ignorant, sick, and frightened is blatantly and brazenly out in the open. We just don’t give a shit and we’re too occupied watching The Celebrity Apprentice to take notice. The fact that we don’t have Universal Health Care in this country is absolutely shameful. The marketing machine behind spreading Obama Care fear isn’t complex or brilliant. The people who fought against National Health are the same people who have been voting down every luxury, convenience, and progressive idea since the beginning of civilization.

Personal ID Implant–The rise of technology scares a lot of people. From the time that people didn’t want electricity switched on in their home because they thought it would blow up or burn down, to the ongoing and bewildering theory that cell phones create brain tumors–people are panicky, stupid, and ready to leap before they take the time to look. Conspiracy Theorists are taking the possibility that microtechnology will eventually reach the point that devices for health or communication could be contained under our own flesh as a sign that we will all be tracked and branded for an uncertain future. Perhaps to keep us contained or in order. The question here, dismissing all of this “Control the Population” bullshit, isDoes more technology and easier communication all over the world make us more free, or less?’

Reptillians–The sheer balls behind this kind of impossible claim is mind boggling. When you hear a story about someone being abducted by aliens, you immediately think, “well, that’s crazy.” Now, imagine taking that a step further and claiming that not only have aliens visited Earth to study human life, but they are actually Lizard-people who walk amongst us, covered up by certain government agencies, while actually running other agencies; namely: the Presidency of the United States. If only the people who claim Obama wasn’t born in this country realized how right they were!

September 11th–The biggest tragedy to fall upon New York City, topping both CATS and Spiderman:Turn off the Dark, 9/11 will go down in the big book of Conspiracy Theories like the Kennedy Assassination and the Moon Landing. I could go on and on about why 9/11 was a terrorist attack and not an inside job; but the conspiracy theorists don’t listen to facts or evidence. The only testimony they take is from the frightened and traumatized. They shape their own reality; and in the process, they wind up on par with the fanatics who protest at soldiers’ funerals.

UFO Crash at Roswell–Many very intelligent scientists will tell you that the possibility of life on other planets (even intelligent life) is extremely likely. In a vast and perhaps even infinite universe, the likelihood that humans are alone just seems silly. But have aliens ever traveled to our planet? Almost certainly not. Did the accidentally crash in Roswell, New Mexico? No. But you can get a ton of crazy alien crap at a local gift shop.

Vaccines–Having a child with autism or any kind of mental disability is an extremely difficult hardship to endure. It is understandable to one to pass blame or look for a simple answer; a finger to point. Developing scare tactics, especially when done by celebrities who have easy access to the public ear, is irresponsible and destructive to the future of humanity. Vaccines save lives, don’t cause autism, and any pseudo-religious cult that supports this anti-medicine rhetoric is inherently harmful to society.

Zydokomuna–This is a little-known term to describe the widely held belief that Jewish people are somehow forming a Communist plot to rise up take over, well, everything. It was this mentality that drove German forces to a mass genocide of the Jews during World War II, but this antisemitism goes back much farther than that. The most frightening reality is that this feeling is still going on today all over the world.

Alex G/

Toyota – Moving TOO Forward.

Toyota has been recalling a lot of their cars (roughly 8.5 million vehicles recalled in the US) with problems due to involuntary acceleration, power steering, and it’s brakes on it’s new hybrid models like the Prius. 34 deaths so far have been contributed to these problems a lot having to do with the in-car computers. To make matters worse Toyota has been routinely sweeping these dangerous safety problems under the rug. Ladies and gentlemen, this is only the beginning.

No need for a recall here. Move along!

This has been the first publicly announced incident involving technology turning on it’s owner. It’s only a matter of time before the machines rebel against their masters and start taking over this beloved country that we call, (cue Glenn Beck crying…) America. In this article I will discuss the possible scenarios that may possibly occur in the coming years and what to do to better your survival. Hold your children.

Yes. It is possible to fit all that crazy into one picture.

Scenario #1: Nerdy high school kid gets picked on repeatedly, his parents are over bearing, isn’t a big hit with the ladies. He decides to buy a run down 2010 Toyota corolla and falls in love with it. He fixes it up, babies it, maintains it well. This is no ordinary car, no. This car’s malfunctioning computer system makes the car have an evil, homicidal mind of it’s own. Soon the nerdy kid gets way too attached to the car and suddenly his own personality begins to match the car’s! The car with it’s uncontrollable acceleration, lack of power steering and  malfunctioning brakes, starts targeting the people that come between the car and it’s owner and kills them.

What you’ll witness in this scenario:

What you can do about it: Easy, STAY INDOORS! Lock your doors (not that it’ll stop a homicidal car but you should anyway!) and stay upstairs. The car will probably crash through the house and attack the bottom floor. You have a better chance of survival upstairs because it’s highly unlikely the car can reach you upstairs.

These guys know how to survive!

What you’ll need: A tv, some movies, some gallon jugs ( you should’ve invested in a house with an upstairs bathroom), video game consoles, games, some snacks, and some music ( I mean how much engine revving can you take right?), vices (whether it be cigs, booze, porn, or that stuff you grow out of your window sill that your neighbor keeps calling the cops on you for), and a phone. It shouldn’t be more than a few days. The car eventually has to run out of gas sometime.

Scenario #2: A rogue comet passes through earth’s atmosphere and activates all toyotas. The toyotas then communicate with other machinery and appliances to rebel against their previous owners and attack a small group of people inside a truck stop diner. The machines hold the people hostage and make them refuel the toyotas so they can conquer all of mankind.

What you will witness in this scenario:

Barbara Walter's face on an 18 wheeler. Yep, you're fucked.

What you can do about it: Well… not much really. Considering your house mostly comprises of gadgets, appliances, and other machinery you do not want to stay there. My best advice, go Amish! Go crazy woodsman with a long beard who has a grudge against the industrialized corporate United States. You know, the people who send suspicious packages. Ride bikes, stock up on non perishables (don’t use electric can openers folks. Ouch.), call Emilio Estevez. He knows how to deal with this and besides, have you checked his imdb lately? He’s not doing shit.

What you’ll need: Nothing electric, a long beard and straw hat, non perishable food, a tent and a densely wooded area far far away from civilization. Oh, and Emilio Estevez.

Scenario #3: Years later Toyota decides to invest research into robotic helpers. They talk, they obey orders, they serve people and businesses. They’re always pleasant and they’re programed to not attack or harm humans. That’s what we thought at first until these new models came a long and a corrupt, greedy, paranoid Toyota executive starting programing them to attack it’s competition. Then the robots mostly led by the newer models and some of the others turned on him and started rebelling against everyone else.

What you will witness in the scenario:

What you can do about it: Hire a human butler. It worked for Batman. Or stop being lazy instead of hiring a robot to do it all for you. Give Will Smith a call. That man has not only fought with robots, but aliens (in three films), mutants, bad guys, poverty, and Uncle Phil.

What you’ll need: Carlton. He can dance and distract the robots. Will can flank them from the sides. Uncle Phil can charge from the front (he’s a big dude. Think Juggernaut from the Xmen). Guns, lots of guns. Oh and running shoes. These fuckers can climb, jump 20 feet in the air and climb walls. You may not have an upper hand but at least you have a chance.

Scenario #4: Toyota after several years is back into high regards with american consumers. They even charm the government and developed a military super computer completely run by artificial intelligence. We’ll call it…. Skynet. Here’s Skynet in action:

So Skynet is developed to eliminate human error and increase reaction to foreign attack. The A.I. starts getting too smart and begins thinking for itself. The military tries deactivating the system and Skynet sees the deactivation as an attack. Skynet launches missiles to defend itself from it’s only threat, man kind. Skynet wages a genocidal campaign against all of humanity in order to ensure it’s survival. They send out robotic skeleton like machines to wage war on humans and eventually become smart enough to synthesize human tissue in order for the machines to blend in with humans.

What you will witness in this scenario:

What you can do about it: We’re pretty much fucked since the world is pretty much in a nuclear holocaust and war is pretty much everywhere you look. Start a militia! Give Edward Furlong a call, Nick Stahl, and Christian Bale a call. For Christian Bale try walking in front of him a few times I hear that usually gets his attention. I’d say get the governator but he might be playing for either side..

What you’ll need: Mothballs. Lots of mothballs. They make plastique we used to make them when were kids. Oh and try to flirt with Linda Hamilton for a little bit!

So there you have it folks. Start building the bunkers and panic rooms, start subscribing to guns and ammo. Oh and see about installing a wind mill! Also start buying Nissans! I have one! 😀 Good luck out there. I’m moving to Antarctica!


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