The Historic Collapse of the Wissahickon

The Wissahickon Creek Valley, locally known as Valley Green or simply “the Crick”, has experienced a vast increase in local and tourist traffic over the years. The biking and hiking trails are kept clean and challenging to novices and experienced adventurers alike. The historic park features pristine views, ample wildlife, and a distinct lack of Flamin’ Hot Cheeto’s bags along its Northwestern Philadelphia trail. At least, it did.

As reported by the Philadelphia Inquirer, the Crick has seen an increase in visitors of close to a million, or a 1/3rd increase since the previous year. Of course, an increase of this magnitude to any location would result in a strain on resources and organization efforts, but something about this increase has been different.

The shockingly unreported–or purposefully avoided–elephant in the room is that massive tour buses and organized groups have been routing large amounts of poor and urban communities to the park. Philadelphia Inquirer has decided to blame the increase in hazardous waste on “climate change” and some strange 1950’s Archie Comics idea of punk teens leaving a mess by Devil’s Pool (a historic makeout point and teenage death trap swimming hole in the park).

This fact has been largely brushed off by the local Roxborough and Wissahickon community, including the so-called Friends of Wissahickon–the volunteer organization tasked with cleaning up the soiled diapers, old broken charcoal grills, and Takis bags that have mysteriously built up in the Valley Green area, replenishing just about every week during the Summer.

It’s worth mentioning that Wissahickon Creek Valley has several grilling and picnicking areas designated that have been enjoyed by families and other groups for decades with little-to-no evidence they’d ever been there at all. However, the new phenomenon of increased traffic and waste has been collecting primarily in park areas where this behavior is prohibited.

Some locals have even suggested that the issue of North Jersey bus companies bringing in massive groups from Brooklyn and other areas, leaving a tidal wave of trash in their wake, is a systemic problem, and the only way to combat the issue is to ban plastic packaging and other non-biodegradable materials. Of course this is just an absurd self-punishment and hand-wringing white guilt that makes up a majority of the transplant progressive influx in the blue collar Northwest Philadelphia area; a natural byproduct of those pretending to care about property destruction by implementing strategic and widespread self-flagellation.

The entry points into the park are scarce, and meant to be kept clear for visitors and emergency vehicles. It became clear when I personally visited the park through the narrow entry point on Wises Mill Road, that the police presence–which I had never before experienced in the park–was overwhelmed.

Vehicles parked up and down the narrow pathway were all receiving parking tickets by one or two officers, blocking off the road even further. As I continued down the path to the parking lot beside the famous Valley Green Inn restaurant, even more police were stationed around a large group of urban cookout attendees. Based on what I could tell, the cops served primarily as babysitters, unable to stop the attendees from having their fun, spreading trash, hanging plastic bags from trees and building charcoal fires precariously on the creek side.

According to the Inquirer, police have been largely unable to write violations for any wrongdoing aside from parking citations (over 250 in the beginning of Summer alone). They claim they prefer to “educate,” whatever that means. Police also seem to be unaware of the rules and regulations of the park regarding swimming, camping and grilling in the area; or, more likely, they are all but disabled by their superiors and the District Attorney’s office from performing their duties as required.

A sad, castrated white volunteer unintentionally creates the most apt parody of the current world.

With the influx of certain groups to the area, crime has gone up as well. Vehicle theft, equipment theft, property destruction and damage to the park have all increased by metrics never before seen in the community. And what’s even more concerning is that no one seems to care in any meaningful sense. Coordinators for the Friends of Wissahickon volunteer group admit that the scenes are common, but have all but washed their hands of any responsibility, content to simply bury their heads in the sand and pathetically shadow the perpetrators cleaning up their mess week after week.

Other members of the park volunteers have said they hope to “change the culture” of how certain individuals use the park. But the only response that seems to have been attempted has been tacking laminated signs to trees, hopelessly begging visitors to use the trash cans–an act reminiscent of officials in India pleading with residents to stop pooping in the streets.

All the while, the City of Philadelphia has been relying heavily on volunteers in middle class areas to police themselves and take impossible hours out of their schedules to clean and maintain public schools and parks where the government can’t be bothered. City government has no problem increasing your taxes to pay for their dwindling efforts, but then wind up spending it all on diversity awareness campaigns forcing those who pay a majority of the taxes to fend for themselves.

When the inevitable occurs and an uncontrollable fire breaks out in the Wissahickon Valley, the media and locals will surely continue to blame the disaster on climate change or some other such nonsense, rather than the evidentiary cause of all of these increasing widespread infernos: mass migration of individuals who have destroyed their own communities to areas they are even less likely to treat with dignity and respect, illegal cookouts, incompetent fire building, and wayward junkies.

In the end, if locals, law enforcement, and volunteers should ever hope to accomplish the Sisyphean task of completely reversing the baked-in cultures of third world communities that they seem so desperate to welcome into their neighborhoods, the very least they could do would be to present some intellectual honesty about the degradation that their stalwart patronizing ideology brings to the table.


Joe Versus The Insano

By now everyone has heard about the devastating quake that hit Haiti that has taken 50,000 lives. The thing about disasters is that it brings us together to help those in need. Be it donations, donating blood, etc. It also brings uneducated, ignorant, self righteous assholes out of the sewers and into the media. The uneducated, ignorant, self righteous asshole I’m going to be talking about is Pat Robertson.

I go on twitter and look at the trending topics and see Pat Robertson. First thing I think of is, oh wow Pat Robertson is dead!

Which I tend to think with any name of a celebrity that comes up in a trending topic (You do it too). Then I thought, there’s no way he’s dead, my birthday isn’t until the 21st of this month! So I go click and sure enough, Pat Robertson has something to say about the tragedy in Haiti. Can’t wait to hear this from the same guy who said things like “September 11th was our fault.”

This is what Mr. Robertson had to say:

Ah, the prophet has spoken!

Now normally I wouldn’t be wasting my precious words ( and they are precious. In fact I tried to get Hallmark to make a Precious Moment figurine of me holding a bottle of Jack Daniels with a cig hanging out of my mouth with the word “Achiever” on the base. So far they haven’t gotten back to me..) on this turd but I have Irish blood coursing through my veins.

The burden of this is that I get angry very easily and have to react and vent. Otherwise I would go to the mall and just start running around punching people (Don’t pay $150 for a pair of jeans! Nuff said!). If I didn’t react and write this I’d be failing as a Super Dude and I would be letting you fine citizens down.

So Pat came out and said this horrible event was ” A blessing in disguise.” going on to say the destruction in Haiti would give them a chance to rebuild. That makes perfect sense Pat, I empty my checking account all the time in hopes that I’ll get free money back in! What? That Never Happens?! Ah shucks! I don’t think it’ll be that easy for Haiti either.

I also don’t believe that right now they’re thinking, “Gee my whole family is dead, I have no shelter… but at least we can rebuild now!” Ignorance is a word that just doesn’t cover that statement. Haiti is one of the poorest countries in the western hemisphere. They don’t even have the equipment needed to clear the heavy debri cause by the quake to save their own people.

To say they should be happy that this happened to them so they can rebuild is nothing short of evil. There’s 500,000 casualties. Buildings can be replaced over time, those 500,000 human lives can’t.

Pat also went on to say that the Haitians made a pact with the devil to drive out the French occupation in the 19th century. Whether this is fact or forklore is a moot point. Who hasn’t made a pact with the devil for something?!

Jesus Christ...Brad and Angelina can't save EVERYONE!

I made a pact with the devil to drive George W. Bush out of office and guess what, HE WAS ELECTED A 2ND FUCKING TERM! The way I look at it, I have no faith so saying that because the Haitians made a pact with the devil, they’re cursed, this happened to them, and you hope they turn to god is just like saying, ” They made a pact with the Easter Bunny, this is what they get, I hope they turn to Santa Claus.” It’s just silly.

At the same time you can’t take anything the man says too seriously. He’s like a monday morning quarterback with dementia. Something terrible happened and it’s someone’s fault. It doesn’t help anything nor does it mean anything.

It’s just someone wasting too much oxygen with too much time on their hands. He just happens to have a mic. If he didn’t he would be no different than the crazy guy walking downtown handing out pamphlets saying “DOOMED!” and they would go right in the trash.

In closing, this scumbag is a living cartoon character. I can prove it in this clip. If you don’t laugh at least once during this clip, please have yourself committed to the nearest institution.


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