The Golden Globes regularly tend to be–at very least–a watchable event. Even if you don’t give a shit who wins and who loses, or what directors are being celebrated for their achievements, it’s a star-studded event that will ultimately bring unprecedented joy into your sad, empty, meaningless life.
This year, however, producers took a significant risk in hiring one of my favorite people of all time, Ricky Gervais, to host this entertainment spectacular. While I adore Gervais and follow his work closely, I presume it is fair to say that most of America has no idea who the fuck he is. When he was a presenter at last year’s Globes, he was poignant and hilarious–yet everyone watching was thinking: “Who is this guy?”
I can only expect some interesting and awkward moments at tonight’s Golden Globe event–not to mention the countless points of irony and comedy gold that many viewers simply won’t “get.”
EDIT: Lots of nervous laughs already. “Better get on with it before NBC replaces me with Jay Leno.”
As I’ve done before, I will offer you my Golden Globe Predictions and then revise when we find out how wrong I was.
The following are simply guesses and do not reflect any prior knowledge of award winners. If you think the guesses are retarded, so be it–we’ll see who wins.
Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television
Neil Patrick Harris–How I Met Your Mother
EDIT: Well, wrong. Maybe I should’ve watched DEXTER this season…evidentally John Lithgow was pretty good.
Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television
EDIT: Chloi Sevigny…weird, weird girl…deserves it I guess. Maybe she’s not weird, maybe she’s just normal and Hollywood is fucked up.
Best Performance by an Actor in a Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television
Brendan Gleeson–Into the Storm
EDIT: Oh Kevin Bacon…I knew when I saw you on the streets of Philadelphia that I should’ve been on your side from the start. Thanks for saving the Mummers…no, really…thanks. Seriously…
Best Performance by an Actress In A Mini-series or Motion Picture Made for Television
Jessica Lange–Grey Gardens
EDIT: Alright, alright…Drew Barrymore won for Grey Gardens. I got the right movie…just the wrong shitty actress.
Best Mini-Series Or Motion Picture Made for Television
Into the Storm
EDIT: Grey Gardens…eccentric Kennedy cousins in a decaying mansion…sounds fucking amazing *yawn*
Best Performance by an Actor In A Television Series – Comedy Or Musical
Alec Baldwin–30 Rock
EDIT: Fortunately, I was right. Unfortunately, he cares more about charity than being at the Golden Globes…selfish prick.
Best Performance by an Actress In A Television Series – Comedy Or Musical
Tina Fey–30 Rock
EDIT: Well, I think Tina Fey’s got enough Golden Globes anyways. You only need so many book-ends. Congrats to Toni Collette for United States of Tara.
Best Television Series – Comedy Or Musical
EDIT: GLEE?! Really?! Fuck GLEE.
Best Performance by an Actor In A Television Series – Drama
Jon Hamm–Mad Men
EDIT: Wow…this must’ve been a great season of DEXTER. Either that or they’re just giving everyone a chance this time around. Michael C. Hall wins.
Best Performance by an Actress In A Television Series – Drama
Anna Paquin–True Blood
EDIT: I am not doing well this time around. Maybe I’m just out of touch this year…Julianna Margulies wins for…what…The Good Life? OK…
Best Television Series – Drama
EDIT: Should’ve been DEXTER…but I’ll just be happy for being RIGHT.
Best Original Song – Motion Picture
“I Want to Come Home”–Everybody’s Fine–Paul McCartney
EDIT: What the fuck is Crazy Heart? Has anyone seen this movie? Jeff Bridges…well, the theme from Crazy Heart won–if you couldn’t guess.
Best Original Score – Motion Picture
Karen O–Where The Wild Things Are
EDIT: Michael Giacchino wins for UP…kindof unexpected…but not undeserved.
Best Screenplay – Motion Picture
Quentin Tarantino–Inglourious Basterds
EDIT: Jason Reitman for UP IN THE AIR. I’m not going to complain about this one. My prediction was based on Tarantino’s history. UP IN THE AIR was much better written.
Best Director – Motion Picture
EDIT: Hopefully he doesn’t win for Best Picture, but I’ll give him best director. He created a whole new way of directing, and that’s worth the award. I have a feeling he’ll go insane in his old age and start talking non-stop about Pandora…
Best Foreign Language Film
The White Ribbon
EDIT: Didn’t see this one, but I had a feeling. Remember when the Sham-Wow guy said “Ya know the Germans make good stuff?”
Best Animated Feature Film
Fantastic Mr. Fox
EDIT: Well, another great movie won–UP–but I still liked Mr. Fox better. Oh well…cuss it.
Best Performance by an Actor In A Supporting Role in a Motion Picture
Christoph Waltz–Inglourious Basterds
EDIT: Well d’uh.
Best Performance by an Actress In A Supporting Role in a Motion Picture
Mo’nique–Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire
EDIT: First one of the night and right on the money! Not a difficult choice (even though I didn’t see PRECIOUS). Pretty long speech though…come on Mo’nique, it’s not your show and it’s not an Oscar. It’s a Golden Globe for fuck’s sake. It’s practically made of chocolate.
Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture – Comedy Or Musical
Michael Stuhlbarg–A Serious Man
EDIT: Robert Downey Jr. won…but he delivers the best fucking speech of the fucking night. ROCK THAT BITCH!
Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture – Comedy Or Musical
Meryl Streep–Julie & Julia
EDIT: Surprise! Right answer! I would have seen this movie, too…but it looks like a shitfest. Meryl Streep just said, “I want to change my name to…T-Bone Streep.”
Best Motion Picture – Comedy Or Musical
(500) Days of Summer
EDIT: The Hangover. That’s a surprise…Good movie though! When’s gonna be Joseph Gordon Levitt’s time…?
Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture – Drama
George Clooney–Up in the Air
EDIT: Jeff Bridges?! Jeff Fucking Bridges?! Did anyone actually SEE Crazy Heart? I didn’t even know it was out! George Clooney is a king…I don’t even want to listen to Jeff Bridges’ speech. Lalalalalalalala—
Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture – Drama
Gabourey Sidibe–Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire
EDIT: Sandra Bullock for The Blind Side? This is the worst Golden Globes ever…
Best Motion Picture – Drama
The Hurt Locker
EDIT: AVATAR?!?! SON OF A BITCH! Fuck this show…I’m out.
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