ORLY?!: Taitz, Liddy and the Abortion of Birthers

alexbwA while back, in April, I covered an archaic and objectively retarded Conservative movement idiotically dubbed “Teabagging.” Of course, this term was despised by the actual “Teabaggers” who wished to their non-existent gods that the fine people of FOX NEWS hadn’t permanently cemented their spot in history with a title associated with dunking one’s scrotum in another’s gaping mouth.

As we know, from experience and participation, we are not a very persistent people. We’re pig-headed, stubborn, ignorant (at times)…but if something isn’t working, we often just say “fuck it” and walk away. Essentially, this was the path of the Teabaggers, who (I imagine) stumbled into a moment of clarity in which they realized they were wasting more money  buying tea to toss around than they would be spending on whatever taxes they were protesting.

So they said “fuck it.” And now, they’ve (I say “they” because it’s undoubtedly the same group of town drunks and socially bewildered) moved on to something new! How wonderful for them!

The “new” asinine hot button issue is the Birther Movement; made up of the same xenophobic rednecks who still believe that Barack Hussein Obama is some sort of foreign terrorist Muslim Moleperson, or something.

His knowing smile says it all. W-H-Y is this Asshole allowed to leave his house? Could you at least phrase your hatred for Obama in a way that makes educated people say: Well, he does have a point???
His knowing smile says it all. W-H-Y is this Asshole allowed to leave his house? Could you at least phrase your hatred for Obama in a way that makes educated people say, "That's a reasonable point" instead of just mockingly posting your goofy ass on the internet, punch-drunk on your own idiocy?

They are called “Birthers” because they’re still demanding to see a birth certificate that Obama has shown the world on countless occasions. If only they could group all of these batshit insane fringe groups together and just classify the whole lot as an “Organization for the Blissfully Ignorant, Developmentally Disabled, and Semi-functionally Retarded.”

But, no…we have to be politically correct and simply refer to them as “The Republican Party.”

The list of “Birther” proponents reads as a list of America’s Most Pig Ignorant; and perhaps either people who are afraid of the Internet…or trust it too much.

A leading proponent is Philip J. Berg, an attorney from PA who also just happens to be a 9/11 Conspiracy Theorist (imagine that!) and…there are some rumors circulating that he just might be a Horse Fucker as well. But there’s absolutely no reason we should believe that…none.

Mr. Berg, please do the honorable thing and tell the good people of Pennsylvania that you are not, in fact, a Horse Fucker. Set the record straight.


Individuals such as Richard Shelby and Roy Blunt seem to question the legitimacy of Obama’s presidency so much, that it almost seems as though they’re not sure he even exists.

G. Gordon Liddy, actor, writer, and notable criminal, is adopting the unsurprising path of publicly ignoring reality. If we’re going to judge Liddy purely on looks, one would assume that he’s some kind of psychotic James Bond villain with a Stalin-stache. Of course, I would neverjudge him purely on his creepy-factor. But luckily, when he produces words from his puppet-like maw…like a bumbling, dimwitted clone of Walter Matthau, he quietly avoids the facts even when they are shoved mockingly in his face by the likes of Chris Matthews.

Needless to say, another loud voice in the movement is Right Wing Nutjob Alan Keyes…the man who believes that Gay Marriage will encourage Incest also believes that (I assume) that the only way that Obama can prove he was born in this country is if he returns to him the past 5 years. Obama defeated Keyes in the 2004 bid for a Senate seat; a savage beating which served to reiterate the idea that Alan Keyes is not only a National Joke, but a political and intellectual failure.

A major mouthpiece of the movement has been Conspiracy Theorist, Real Estate Agent, and Dentist Orly Taitz (heh…taintz). She is also a practicing lawyer, however, I considered that on behalf of responsible and intelligent lawyers, I’d leave that title out.

Taitz, it seems, is one of the main reasons this assault on common sense and reason has gained so much national coverage. Orly is a ‘lawyer’ who represents Stefan Frederic Cook, an enlisted soldier who is fighting his deployment to Afghanistan. His argument?

Cook feels that because Obama “wasn’t born in this country,” he is not legally president. Obama’s orders are therefore invalid, and following such orders into a war would be a violation of international law. This would undoubtedly mean that we are living during a time in history in which America has no leader.

Of course, even if this juvenile cunt were right; even if he were acting out of pure patriotism and not simply being a fucking pussy, Joe Biden would be his President and he would still have to go to war! In which case, Stefan would simply have to admit to his cowardice (which isn’t necessarily a bad thing…I don’t want to go to fucking war either!) and ditch his lawyer who seems to unfailingly suck at everything…like Lou Dobbs.

…but she is kinda attractive in a classical way, and her accent is cute. Why must all the hot Conservatives be so mind-bendingly fucktarded?

Sorry, Meghan McCain.

Fucking common sense...
Fucking common sense...

What we really have here isn’t an issue of patriotism or pride. It’s a clear cut issue of fear. Xenophobia and racism in America aren’t going away, no matter how many times your dumbass friend says “if we all marry someone of a different race, in another generation, there will be no hate.”

Trust me, I’m from Pennsylvania…the largest (if not, one of the largest) centers for White Supremacist Rednecks in the nation. Yeah, that’s right! Fuck you, Alabama! We’re on top!

It’s a shame, really…but as long as no one takes these assholes seriously, I think we’ll all be alright. We can easily change the topic.

Like…how gay is this shit?:

Alex G/

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Teabagging, as I Understand It

alexbwRapidly sweeping the country like some sort of limbless terrapin is a form of non-violent protest called “Teabagging.” Now, I know what you’re thinking, but the invaluable mainstream media has assured me that this has absolutely nothing to do with the practice of delicately dunking one’s own Chicken McNuggets into the unsuspecting gaping maw of a sleeping companion.

Far from it! In fact, the movement itself has verbally assaulted those who refer to the practice as “Teabagging,” while turning a blind eye to the FOX News instigators who first uttered (and continue to utter) the term.

For those of you who can not hold back your sophomoric giggles when considering the connection between the (arguably illegitimate) protests and the practice of slapping your wank-tank on your peers, I say: for shame. Shame shame shame on you.

I’ve spent many a sleepless hour (not literally) contemplating and forcing my feeble non-partisan brain around the concept and reason in what these people are attempting to accomplish, and I have come to some rudimentary conclusions.

First, according to my good friends at FOX & Friends, these angry sons of the soil are taking to the streets in a symbolic reflection of the historic Boston Tea Party to protest taxes, Barack Obama’s budget plans, and the Stimulus Package.

While the common belief is that these protest will continue to draw larger and larger crowds and explode all over the face of Uncle Sam come Independence Day, I have a feeling that Tax Day (April 15th) has sent them a pretty definitive “fuck you.”

No one likes taxes or needless government spending, but when you’re uneducated enough to discredit, misunderstand, or simply be ignorant of the social and economic benefits of a communal financial input…well…I suppose you inevitably come to the conclusion that a Tea Bag Party is much less gay than a Tea Party.

When all is said and done, I have to give a proverbial shout out to the indomitable American Spirit, no matter how potentially misguided it may be. These people are taking their batshit crazy beliefs to the streets, and it’s that kind of enthusiasm that inspires change in a government.

“Teabagging” is essentially a grass roots Conservative movement birthed and nurtured by Fair and Balanced News Corp. On the other hand, it has been going on long before it became popular in the media by real crazies who FOX had once been dedicated to distancing themselves from.

And truth be told, I’m torn. I’m not content with this government’s practices and I can’t blindly support bailouts any more than I can support the unfounded teabagging of those who believe they are doing the right thing.

To take an uninformed stance on anything is wrong. It would be wrong for me to try to bullshit about economic issues (of which I know dick) and it is wrong for unapologetic and triumphantly ignorant back-woods protestersto dip their love-sacks in the mouths of Michael Steele or Barack Obama.

The cowardice of FOX News’ war against a progressive country is not simply wrong or misguided, but arguably evil. While the concepts and paths that our democratically elected leaders are leading us on may not be the best options, we’re in this for the long haul.

It’s time for the other sides to shut the fuck up and offer their assistance, input, and advice, not radical dissent. While Obama and his Democratic super-friends may not have the best laid plans, their intentions are just as golden as the intentions of the (claimed) powerless minority.

And while it is, has been, and will forever continue to be the prime directive of ‘FOX Noise’ to offer nothing but fuel for the random, stumbling anti-liberal fire, their laughable mission must no longer be taken at face value.

This kind of nonsense is a thorn in the side of our country’s economic, cultural, technological, and intellectual progress and can’t be taken lightly.

When the time comes, on the Fourth of July, for Americans to hypothetically “unite” for at least 24 hours in celebration of the freedom and liberty that our ancestors fought for, I hope to see these passionately hypocritical Teabaggers either turn towards a new age of personal responsibility and communion with the best interests of our country at heart, or open wide for the biggest pair of sweat-dripping bean-pods this great nation has ever seen.

 Alex G.

An Open Letter to Country Star John Rich

AlexDear Mr. Rich,

It may seem odd, and almost awkward, to single you out amongst the perversely immense cacophony of Country Western Superstars and the fine and objectively upstanding, God-Loving American Citizens who enjoy the genre. Let me assure you that my intentions are specific and wholly warranted.

While your career has had its ups and downs (significantly more downs), it is worth mentioning that the true measure of your success and notoriety can only accurately correspond to the staggering rate at which viewers of FOX News and CMT are having babies, buying guns, thumbing through scripture, or power-houring a six pack of Milwaukee’s Best.

Not only have you brought this glorious country of ours such notable songs as Hicktown, Pickin’ Wildflowers, When I Think About Cheatin’, and Redneck Woman, but have also been able to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that the music industry (as powerful, significant, and influential as it is) has not disregarded the vastly important demographic of the comically retarded.

In your recent appearance with FOX News’ Glenn Beck, you exhibited a clear-cut “fuck you” to those nay-sayers who didn’t think you could ever bounce back from being the lackluster sidekick to Big Kenny. When Big & Rich reforms this year (or did you get back together already? I don’t know care) you can celebrate the valuable lesson you learned about Off-Road-Head that unfortunately resulted in Big Ken’s neck injury.

Luckily for me, I was able to catch the last few minutes of Glenn Beck (through which he was conspicuously dry-eyed) while you sang The Good Lord and the Man, a song that not only delivered a swift punch in the cunt to all those faggy America-Bashers out there, but also served to violently alienate damn near everyone with enough severe cranial damage to share your demented opinions.

I can only compare you to Larry the Cable Guy, with respect to his “down-to-earth” humor for the developmentally disabled, in that you’re not necessarily hurting America, but you are accomplishing the valiant task of giving functionally retarded Americans a bad name.

Any individual with enough mental stamina to change the channel was in better condition than I was this afternoon as I suffered through unquestionably divisive verses like:

“…and I see people on my T.V. taking shots at Uncle Sam. I hope they always remember why they can, cause we’d all be speakin’ German, livin’ under the flag of Japan if it wasn’t for the good Lord and the man.”

As the host of CMT‘s Gone Country and one of the judges for NBC‘s Nashville Star, you succeeded in taking the business model of American Idol, making damn certain that everything “watchable” was stripped away, and that you were specifically targeting the willfully ignorant.

With that statement, I must add that there is absolutely nothing wrong with Country Music. Southern Musicians may arguably be some of the best and most talented individuals to ever grace the industry. What you spread, however, does not blur the line between Poetry and Hate Speech, it takes a steamy, grit-laced shit on it.

Your over-the-top sensual love songs about the good ol’ red, white and blue would perhaps be mildly offensive to the brain case of the progressive-minded non-xenophobe if they weren’t so creepily compelling. I never looked at John McCain the same way after Raisin’ McCain…mostly because I kept picturing him as a sun-dried grape.

While I will not viciously spread unfounded rumors that you are somehow racist or homophobic (I mean, who would believe something like that?), I will take a leap of faith and suggest that if our sexy country were to champion an Anti-Intellectual Pride day, you would be among the first to toss in your ridiculous stetson and write a song titled: Smart People Think They’re Better Than Me, But They’re All Gay.

In closing, I must make it crystal clear that this is not a personal attack, nor is it an attempt to persuade you to stop doing what you’re doing. In fact, you could even consider this as a plea to do what you’re doing harder (not in a gay way though, I know that makes you sick).

Keep undressing Lady Liberty with your mind as you cling steadfast to a concept of America that exists only in the minds of yourself and the Michigan Militia. You give High School dropouts something to believe in, and that’s fucking important!

Keep playing the ignorant Cowboy on the T.V. for the sake of masochistic progressives everywhere. After all, if you quit, what will Glenn Beck masturbate to?


From the Bottom of My Heart,