Joe Z’s Retro Gaming Adventure

I’ve spent some time listening and seeing others play modern video games, and I realized that I don’t care. Most modern games look incredible, however, they also appear to be incredibly time-consuming. Which is good for some, not so much for me. One of my favorite things about the games of my youth was that I could pop in the cartridge and play. One of my favorite quick plays was the now 20-year-old pal of mine, Mario Kart 64.

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Let the adventure begin! MK64, if you don’t know it, consists of eight playable Nintendo characters, four cups, and four levels of difficulty (you must unlock the fourth, which is all of the tracks with turns reversed at 150cc). To start I messed around with the Time Trials taking turns with each character. Mario/Luigi are the most balanced, Peach, Toad, and Yoshi are quick, while Wario, Bowser, and DK are strong and not easily bumped. I found myself preferring Yoshi, when I was a young buck I’d go with Toad or Donkey Kong. Now off to the races!

 

 

Mushroom Cup:

This cup features Luigi Raceway, Moo Moo Farm, Koopa Troopa Beach, and the Kalimari Desert. It’s the basic introduction with no obstacles too difficult to avoid and obvious secrets to go after. If you can get the timing down for the starting line burst you’ll be able to win every race here with ease, especially the Kalimari Desert (you can get by the train while all other drivers stop giving you an uncatchable lead).

Best Track: Koopa Troopa Beach – it’s fun with secrets and shortcuts!

Lame Track: Moo Moo Farm – I see more groundhogs, that the game info has listed as porcupines, than cows.

Flower Cup:

Now we’ve got some more obstacles and sharp turns. The lesson on Toad’s Turnpike is to dodge, duck, dip, dive, and…dodge. It’s a significant difference from you Mushroom Cup cruising experience, you can fall off ledges, get smacked around by cars, and crushed by chocolate boulders. Playtime is over, and if you can’t handle the Flower Cup, than don’t bother going forward. Actually if you do 50cc or 100cc the game makes it easier for you by having fewer obstacles and barriers so you don’t slip and fall because you don’t understand that the R button gives you the gift of drift.

Best Track: Mario Raceway – it’s a grinding battle track whether you’re playing against friends or the system.

Lame Track: Frappe Snowland – more like Crappe Snowland, am I right? Yes, yes I am. Compared to the other tracks, this one is a basic bitch with an easy cheat. There’s a glitch in the game you can try that allows you to skip a lap, you race two instead of three.

Star Cup:

As you can see there is another cup after the Star Cup, but seriously, I found this to be the most difficult of all. Wario Stadium is the second longest track in the game, Sherbet Land has some penguins belly sliding and coming after you, Royal Raceway is a break with sharp turns, and FUCK BOWSER’S CASTLE. What a bitch-a-roony-doony that course is. I had a rage building inside me from my struggles with the course. Sure, I figured it out, but this track can go to hell and die.

Best Track: Wario Stadium – it’s a fun bumpy ride.

Lame Track: Bowser’s Castle – Fuck Bowser’s Castle.

Special Cup:

Here we go with what we thought would be the hardest of them all really isn’t so bad after all, that’s not true, it’s still a pain in ye olde nards. Funny thing, when I first played this game 20 years ago, I was terrified of Rainbow Road, in fact it’s the easiest track in the Special Cup, also the longest track in the game. Brutal for the beginner, the best for the experienced MK64 players. The Yoshi Valley will spin your head, in case you forgot there are multiple routes and you can’t see who the leaders are. It’s a good time, as well as a fun finish to the game if you raced the cups in order.

Best Track: D.K.’s Jungle Parkway – That big jump! Go off the track and get pelted with rocks by “restless natives” according to the game’s guide.

Lame Track: Banshee Boardwalk – the near replica to the SNES Mario Kart’s “Ghost Valley” track. It’s boring compared to most other tracks, especially in this cup.

That’s all folks! What game should I try next? What are your favorite tracks from MK64? Tweet @JoeyHAHAs and let me know!

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Rox Rants & Raves, Ep. 2: The Sword Fish Rises

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The legend of Sword Fish, sworn protector of the town / Poncho, the arch-nemesis and Agent of N.A.R.W.H.A.L / Introducing Dan McGlynn, little baby Danny Junior / Spanky’s new menu / Don’t jerk it at Halcyon Floats / Real Yunkers…Not Crybaby Kunts / Beauty in the Borough / The Big Mexican Sandwich controversy / Ruining the neighborhood / All of our schools are dead / Street parking for work trucks / Roxborough High School is a clusterfuck / Roxborough final Rants and Raves

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Talking Nerdy, Ep. 178: Jawn of Justice, A Year of Hurt Feelings

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Joe tailgates at the season-ending Philadelphia Eagles game / After a week of being in theaters, Star Wars: The Force Awakens hits the social justice mill / Who is Rey, anyway? / The biggest feminist flop of all time / Subway is a wretched hive of scum and villainy / Ghostbusters reboot nightmares / The Hateful Eight is a part of a good movie / The end of the Twelve Deadpools of Christmas / Bicentennial Man would be better with Tin Andy / Dan almost shits his bed / Daniel Stern does shit the bed / Anthony Cumia hunts Dani GoLightly / 48 things men hear that HuffPo considers problematic / The Genderfluid Lion / ReviewBrah sucks down some Stacker 2.

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