$25 Free Martin (M/F tees)


When the Republicans Come Marching In

The third Republican Presidential debate kicked off this weekend in Iowa. Now that the candidates are starting to realize that the nomination is literally up for grabs, the ladder match has officially begun. The gloves are off and the Republican hopefuls have taken to either tearing one another apart or simply struggling to stay consistent. The GOP isn’t exactly favored at the moment, but due to the current economic climate, the debt ceiling fiasco, and the racist patriotic ideology of “taking back our country,” the Republicans may actually have a horse in this race…

Let’s start off with your cast of characters. First, Michele Bachmann of Minnesota. She fires up voters like the less attractive, extra batshit version of Sarah Palin. I’d like to see her go far. Herman Cain, business exec and radio host. No political background to speak of, but he did own a pizza company…oh, and he’s black, so we can be assured he’ll be in the race for as long as the Republicans try to pretend they care about race. Newt Gingrich, former speaker of the House from Georgia. I miss Newt. Almost as much as he misses his entire campaign support. Jon Huntsman Jr., former Governor of Utah. I bet I could be governor of Utah. It doesn’t seem like it would take too much work. In fact, I officially announce my candidacy for Governor of Utah! Ron Paul, Representative from Texas. I used to like Ron Paul, and part of me still wants to hear what he has to say. I think his talents/intellect would be better put to use elsewhere in a presidential cabinet, but who am I to delegate responsibility? I’m just the potential Governor of Utah. Tim Pawlenty, former Governor of Minnesota. This one’s gotta stick in Michele Bachmann’s crazy snatch. Seeing them go head to head would be like watching Ben Stein argue with a rabid wolverine. Mitt Romney, the former Governor of Massachusetts actually did a lot of good for his state, but he seems to have abandoned all his convictions to play in the same sandbox with these intellectual midgets and talking-point machines. He seems to be in good spirits though, maybe that’s what Mormonism contributes to society: a well-balanced attitude…oh, and racism. Lastly, Rick Santorum, former Senator from Pennsylvania. The internet defines “Santorum” as “the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.” I’d say that defines his character quite well. On with the show!

The fight kicks off with the audience appearing to favor Ron Paul above all others, and he certainly seems like the only candidate to hold his own, even if what he says feels like nonsense. He’s a brave candidate for taking on military spending, though, I will say that. The candidates start a bullshit-off, comparing insignificant accomplishments, disagreements with programs that proved to be in the country’s best and only interest, and all-in-all mostly just ragging on Obama with the hazy and delusional conviction of Alzheimer’s patients.

The great Pawlenty/Bachmann debate fires up with Bachmann being the aggressor and Pawlenty being a frightened ladyboy who can’t seem to stand up to anyone with a functioning vertebrae. Gingrich decided to break out the whole Sarah Palin “gotcha media” argument on those running the debate. It must be difficult to answer straightforward questions about your lack of a campaign strategy without mentioning how many supporters Ronald Reagan had. The audience reacts to the interactions on stage like a UFC fight. Loud “Oooh”s and “Aww”s can be heard echoing through the Iowa State University theater. I’d like to think that there’s an “APPLAUSE” sign somewhere above the stage, instructing them when and how to react to certain situations, because if there’s anything Fox News excels at, it’s letting idiots know when they should be outraged.

The more Mitt Romney says, the more likeable he becomes. But then again, it’s easy to look intelligent and well-spoken when you’re surrounded by a panel of myopic glue-sniffers. Herman Cain says, “America has to learn how to take a joke,” which is very true. When we can take a joke, we can see this pre-primary debate for what it really is. Ron Paul puts a strong foot forward on the “America First” front, advocating for the protection of our country and the end to the multiple wars we have going overseas. It’s easy to see how young conservatives and Christian Libertarians can be so supportive of Paul; and I’m not sure if it’s my pessimism or my pride that caused me to leap off of his bandwagon. But I’m glad I did. I sleep better now.

I haven’t talked much about politics lately, simply because the latest issue with the debt ceiling was so utterly absurd and uninteresting that no exciting conversation about it could be developed. When government forms a stalemate, both sides are equally responsible. But now that the GOP is fired up for 2012, it’s starting to get exciting (and funny) again! Newt Gingrich comes off as a complete psychopath. I really wish Mitt Romney would nut up and defend his state’s health care system instead of just saying that it was “right for Massachusetts” but not for the rest of the country. What’s good for the goose isn’t necessarily good for the gander, I guess. Rick Santorum doesn’t get very much opportunity to speak, and when he does, you can see why. Santorum not only makes zero sense, but also confuses talking points while painting such a skewed portrait of the past that any history teacher would be pressed to hold their tongue.

This section starts off with Michele Bachmann missing in action. But, in all fairness, her attendance doesn’t really guarantee that she will be “present” anyway. Romney gradually becomes less likeable as this comedy of errors plays out and Gingrich flips shit on the moderators again. I understand that all politicians on both sides dodge direct questions like Neo dodging bullets in slow motion, but Newt Gingrich seems to take every single direct question as a vindictive interrogation. His tactic is to call everything a “GOTCHA” question and blame the moderators for bringing up discrepancies in his recently political history.

Ron Paul definitely separates himself from the other candidates with his strong convictions and intimate knowledge of history and the constitution. My favorite part of this short segment is how the moderators have to calm down the unruly audience, and at the same time, tell Rick Santorum to shut the fuck up.

Paul’s isolationist platform does have its merits, but, unfortunately, America’s interests overseas are far too deeply rooted to make “mind our own business” a reality. The audience does go crazy for him, but it’s also a college campus. How many Ron Paul bumper stickers do you see on a college campus? A shit ton. The most terrifying thing is this section is hearing Michele Bachmann say, “As president of the United States, I would…” Rick Santorum scolds Iran for trampling the rights of women and gays while just minutes ago, he blamed Michele Bachmann for not being strict enough on preserving the sanctity of marriage. How can you scold Iran when you’re anti-gay and women’s rights?

Cain uses the word “dispersion” in relation to disparaging remarks about Islam or Mormonism. And Michele Bachmann defends her submission to her gay husband. The question about her being submissive was a little inappropriate, but on the other hand, if she didn’t want to discuss it, she shouldn’t have declared it publicly.

The Republican party is obviously disjointed, crumbling into the haves, have nothings, and have mores. The have nothings, of course, being the Tea Party movement, an offshoot so inherently clouded in their judgement that they can’t comprehend the hypocrisy spewing from their gaping holes and pores. There are some functioning brains amongst the frontrunners of the Grand Old Party; however as long as those brains hold special places for denying science and progress or embracing magic underwear, I don’t think I’ll ever be sold.

Though it would be amazing to have a president with more batshit than Crystal Caves, I don’t think the current climate of this country can handle it right now. Though the world most certainly won’t end in 2012, we’re doing our damnedest to make sure it does.



The People for Basil Marceaux

Surely–by now–you’ve seen, or at least heard about, the internet phenomenon called Basil Marceaux. What started as a Tennessee local news open forum for Marceaux to present his reasons why he should be elected Governor turned into a worldwide clusterfunny at his own expense. For those of you who haven’t seen the “video that started it all,” take a look:

I wouldn’t hesitate to call Marceaux an American Hero; as not doing so could and should label us hypocrites…potentially. He (supposedly) served as a Recon Marine in some war at some point, making him a Veteran of the armed forces for–shit–at least a semi-legitimate period of time. He’s also a self-described “Great Man,” which you could pretty much just accept as truth, because–what the hell? How can you deny the legitimacy of a disciple of the new Republican party with 3 teeth to his face who introduces himself as “BasilMarceaux.com?”

The deeper you dive into the man’s existence, the more precious treasures you resurface with. His website–his own handiwork–reeks of unfounded superiority and delusions of grandeur. The mechanics of his overall concepts and ideology concern me greatly; however, his past failed attempts paired with the fact that he only managed to rake in about 1% of the vote give me an unparalleled degree of optimism for humanity.

Here are some of my choice excerpts from his website (and don’t worry about having them taken out of context because, honestly, there is no context):

I argues that the county legal system makes most of the oath takers to break their oath and to refused to listen to U.S, Supreme Court order to balance the budget through False arrest, linking the county to Slavers, Kidnapper extortionists. Racketeers, jury fixers, and all felony crimes.”

“Education, let us put phonics back in school if you can not read you can not do History, Math, English. And that where we are now. Let make it mandatory in high school to read the minutes to the U.S. Congress, the Congressional Globe the real history of the U.S”

“Things I done for my citizens”


1. Education
a. School violents
b. Add reading of the minutes to the U.S.Congress mandatory
c. Get more of the lottery money to 1-12

2. Equal Health care
a. a free gift program
b. take a look at and redo all mandtory insurance programs
c. See why dental is not in most plans a tooth aches hurt more than a back aches and no teeths depresses people”

Ultimately, we have one person to thank for this continuous political fuckery: Sarah Palin. I know what you’re thinking…”Sarah who?” But, yes, for those of us who choose to remember she exists, the former Governor of Alaska may be solely responsible for the political Dark Age we currently find ourselves wrapped up in.

Not only did Palin make it acceptable for the ignorant and dumbfounded to hurl themselves into the political spectrum, she also made it standard operating procedure. Somehow, some way, it has become noble and respectable in the Republican Party to be an irresponsible and arrogant (what’s the politically correct term?) shit-for-brains.

It is through this notion that political discourse has become less about the motivations and ideologies of the people in question and more about their ability to dress themselves in the morning. Unfortunately–because we’re the greatest country in the world (love it or leave it)–we are responsible for exporting this brand of political caricature to the rest of the Western world.

Basil Marceaux is a nincompoop, but you didn’t need me to figure that out for you. There is no conceivable danger of him ever being elected to anything. But that’s not to say that Basil Marceaux will disappear or fade into obscurity. This recent meme created by his television appearances (and pretty much any video where he opens his mouth to string “words” together into “sentences”) will almost certainly spark the imaginations of those who identify with his “politics.”

From this, many more Marceauxs will emerge.

Consider Basil Marceaux as the average redneck fucktard. All they need is someone who can formulate these ideas and concepts into comprehensible language and then they will have a viable candidate. And while we can rest easy knowing that there are bright people in this country who would never let such a thing happen, we must also keep on our toes–because after all–Palin was elected governor of a fucking state…and let’s not forget who led this entire country from 2000-2008.

But for now, have as much fun as possible being in on this nationwide joke at the expense of a fat, slow-witted, toothless Veteran called BasilMarceauxdotcom. I know I will. Amen, and everyone, have a nice day.

Alex G/