The third Republican Presidential debate kicked off this weekend in Iowa. Now that the candidates are starting to realize that the nomination is literally up for grabs, the ladder match has officially begun. The gloves are off and the Republican hopefuls have taken to either tearing one another apart or simply struggling to stay consistent. The GOP isn’t exactly favored at the moment, but due to the current economic climate, the debt ceiling fiasco, and the racist patriotic ideology of “taking back our country,” the Republicans may actually have a horse in this race…

Let’s start off with your cast of characters. First, Michele Bachmann of Minnesota. She fires up voters like the less attractive, extra batshit version of Sarah Palin. I’d like to see her go far. Herman Cain, business exec and radio host. No political background to speak of, but he did own a pizza company…oh, and he’s black, so we can be assured he’ll be in the race for as long as the Republicans try to pretend they care about race. Newt Gingrich, former speaker of the House from Georgia. I miss Newt. Almost as much as he misses his entire campaign support. Jon Huntsman Jr., former Governor of Utah. I bet I could be governor of Utah. It doesn’t seem like it would take too much work. In fact, I officially announce my candidacy for Governor of Utah! Ron Paul, Representative from Texas. I used to like Ron Paul, and part of me still wants to hear what he has to say. I think his talents/intellect would be better put to use elsewhere in a presidential cabinet, but who am I to delegate responsibility? I’m just the potential Governor of Utah. Tim Pawlenty, former Governor of Minnesota. This one’s gotta stick in Michele Bachmann’s crazy snatch. Seeing them go head to head would be like watching Ben Stein argue with a rabid wolverine. Mitt Romney, the former Governor of Massachusetts actually did a lot of good for his state, but he seems to have abandoned all his convictions to play in the same sandbox with these intellectual midgets and talking-point machines. He seems to be in good spirits though, maybe that’s what Mormonism contributes to society: a well-balanced attitude…oh, and racism. Lastly, Rick Santorum, former Senator from Pennsylvania. The internet defines “Santorum” as “the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.” I’d say that defines his character quite well. On with the show!

The fight kicks off with the audience appearing to favor Ron Paul above all others, and he certainly seems like the only candidate to hold his own, even if what he says feels like nonsense. He’s a brave candidate for taking on military spending, though, I will say that. The candidates start a bullshit-off, comparing insignificant accomplishments, disagreements with programs that proved to be in the country’s best and only interest, and all-in-all mostly just ragging on Obama with the hazy and delusional conviction of Alzheimer’s patients.

The great Pawlenty/Bachmann debate fires up with Bachmann being the aggressor and Pawlenty being a frightened ladyboy who can’t seem to stand up to anyone with a functioning vertebrae. Gingrich decided to break out the whole Sarah Palin “gotcha media” argument on those running the debate. It must be difficult to answer straightforward questions about your lack of a campaign strategy without mentioning how many supporters Ronald Reagan had. The audience reacts to the interactions on stage like a UFC fight. Loud “Oooh”s and “Aww”s can be heard echoing through the Iowa State University theater. I’d like to think that there’s an “APPLAUSE” sign somewhere above the stage, instructing them when and how to react to certain situations, because if there’s anything Fox News excels at, it’s letting idiots know when they should be outraged.

The more Mitt Romney says, the more likeable he becomes. But then again, it’s easy to look intelligent and well-spoken when you’re surrounded by a panel of myopic glue-sniffers. Herman Cain says, “America has to learn how to take a joke,” which is very true. When we can take a joke, we can see this pre-primary debate for what it really is. Ron Paul puts a strong foot forward on the “America First” front, advocating for the protection of our country and the end to the multiple wars we have going overseas. It’s easy to see how young conservatives and Christian Libertarians can be so supportive of Paul; and I’m not sure if it’s my pessimism or my pride that caused me to leap off of his bandwagon. But I’m glad I did. I sleep better now.

I haven’t talked much about politics lately, simply because the latest issue with the debt ceiling was so utterly absurd and uninteresting that no exciting conversation about it could be developed. When government forms a stalemate, both sides are equally responsible. But now that the GOP is fired up for 2012, it’s starting to get exciting (and funny) again! Newt Gingrich comes off as a complete psychopath. I really wish Mitt Romney would nut up and defend his state’s health care system instead of just saying that it was “right for Massachusetts” but not for the rest of the country. What’s good for the goose isn’t necessarily good for the gander, I guess. Rick Santorum doesn’t get very much opportunity to speak, and when he does, you can see why. Santorum not only makes zero sense, but also confuses talking points while painting such a skewed portrait of the past that any history teacher would be pressed to hold their tongue.

This section starts off with Michele Bachmann missing in action. But, in all fairness, her attendance doesn’t really guarantee that she will be “present” anyway. Romney gradually becomes less likeable as this comedy of errors plays out and Gingrich flips shit on the moderators again. I understand that all politicians on both sides dodge direct questions like Neo dodging bullets in slow motion, but Newt Gingrich seems to take every single direct question as a vindictive interrogation. His tactic is to call everything a “GOTCHA” question and blame the moderators for bringing up discrepancies in his recently political history.

Ron Paul definitely separates himself from the other candidates with his strong convictions and intimate knowledge of history and the constitution. My favorite part of this short segment is how the moderators have to calm down the unruly audience, and at the same time, tell Rick Santorum to shut the fuck up.

Paul’s isolationist platform does have its merits, but, unfortunately, America’s interests overseas are far too deeply rooted to make “mind our own business” a reality. The audience does go crazy for him, but it’s also a college campus. How many Ron Paul bumper stickers do you see on a college campus? A shit ton. The most terrifying thing is this section is hearing Michele Bachmann say, “As president of the United States, I would…” Rick Santorum scolds Iran for trampling the rights of women and gays while just minutes ago, he blamed Michele Bachmann for not being strict enough on preserving the sanctity of marriage. How can you scold Iran when you’re anti-gay and women’s rights?

Cain uses the word “dispersion” in relation to disparaging remarks about Islam or Mormonism. And Michele Bachmann defends her submission to her gay husband. The question about her being submissive was a little inappropriate, but on the other hand, if she didn’t want to discuss it, she shouldn’t have declared it publicly.

The Republican party is obviously disjointed, crumbling into the haves, have nothings, and have mores. The have nothings, of course, being the Tea Party movement, an offshoot so inherently clouded in their judgement that they can’t comprehend the hypocrisy spewing from their gaping holes and pores. There are some functioning brains amongst the frontrunners of the Grand Old Party; however as long as those brains hold special places for denying science and progress or embracing magic underwear, I don’t think I’ll ever be sold.

Though it would be amazing to have a president with more batshit than Crystal Caves, I don’t think the current climate of this country can handle it right now. Though the world most certainly won’t end in 2012, we’re doing our damnedest to make sure it does.

—Alex/

www.superdps.com