Hey Fellas–Avril Lavigne’s Single Again!

alexbwWhere have I been? I know this is only a recent development, but shit–I wish I’d have known about this sooner. Evidently, after a three year marriage with Sum 41douchebag, Deryck (fucking) Whibley, Avril has kicked him to the curb, and is now subsequently free to make new and exciting shitty decisions. Perhaps her next celebrity husband won’t have a name that sounds like he should be in a Harry Potter book.

This tends to be the problem when kids get married as soon as they can legally consume alcohol; but Avril’s from Canada, so she has no excuse. To be fair, three years is a long time for two pop-punk has-beens with self-proclaimed A.D.D. to stay together–so, cheers.

“I admire Deryck and have a great amount of respect for him,” claims an obviously lying Lavigne, “He is the most amazing person I know and I love him with all my heart.”

The doctor said my mom shouldve had an abortion-bortion-bortion-bortion...
The doctor said my mom should've had an abortion-bortion-bortion-bortion...

Even if she could possibly be serious about this statement, the mere fact that they’re divorcing after a magical three-year relationship completely discredits her logic. At least they got out of that trap before they produced any talentless offspring with annoying self-entitlement issues.

I used to have a special place in my heart for Avril Lavigne. Her quirky fake-punk was–at its best–adorable, and–at its worst–fucking painful.

And while we’re on the subject of being fucking painful–someone needs to tell Jason Reitman to stop letting Diablo Codysuck his cock. It’s getting embarrassing. Get your junk out of that noisy, arrogant clap-trap and start making some movies that fans of your father would actually pay money to see.

Then again, perhaps I’m wrong and Jason Reitman’s terrible decisions are just part of some elaborate hoax. Diablo Cody, you are a national treasure.

Alex G/

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Trailers of the Weak: The Best of Fall

alexbwThe exciting Summer Movie Season is over, but fear not, you film lovers, you—because the Fall Movie Previews are up running. There are still plenty of movies for you to throw your money at while praying to your god’s deaf ears that they will be worth your while. The secrets out! The almost certainly won’t be. Let’s gaze deeper into the Fall Trailers of the Weak! 

The Vampire’s AssistantI have a feeling that John C. Reilly committed some sort of horrendous crime in a past life. That would be the only rationale behind the laundry list of crap-movies he’s legally obligated to appear in. The Vampire’s Assistant is based on another in a similar laundry list of teen-vampire-book-series. While the film itself may seem almost watchable, it’s just giving further encouragement to the industry that keeps shitting out these kids’ vampire dramas. Fuck it.

The Fourth Kind—If you weren’t scared shitless by Close Encounters of the Third Kind, you’re probably amongst the sane people who will be avoiding this movie. Milla Jovovich, reprising her role as the dead-serious-intense-staring female lead in a science fiction flick, this time decides to present it as a “true story.” In psycho-babble, a “close encounter of the fourth kind” is an alien abduction; however, it should probably refer to an encounter with a psychologist whose first-fucking-logical-hypothesis is that you were abducted by fucking aliens

TruckerReplace Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler with a truck-driving chick with smaller tits and you’ve got yourself another dynamically bland indie film that’s bound to make a grown man weep. 

UntitledWhether it succeeds or not in its breath-taking pretentiousness and not-so-subtle plagiarism of Art School Confidential remains to be seen, but I’m going to give this two thumbs up, and A-for-Effort, and my confidence that this could be the only movie I see this Fall.

Fantastic Mr. FoxI take that back. If this movie is half as incredible as the amount of work that went into making it, it will be an instant classic. I can’t imagine Wes Anderson not being able to pull that off. 

Dark Room TheaterIt’s a good thing that this film is going to be released on September 11th, so that we Americans can consider two horrifying national disasters on the same day. Two birds—one stone

The Horse BoyDon’t let the title fool you. This is a documentary about a family taking their autistic child to Mongolia for some therapeutic healing. There’s something about taking a retarded kid to Mongolia that just seems wrong to me

Brief Interviews with Hideous MenJohn Krasinski’s directorial debut yields exactly what one would expect: subtle, tongue-in-cheek comedy in an IFC casing, featuring a list of comic-actors so extensive that it can only be safe to say it’ll be…kinda funny

Sorority RowAre people really going to see this? Do they think we’re children? Go fuck yourselves! 

Whip ItI’m not entirely sure what to do here. Essentially, Drew Barrymore has decided that her directorial debut would be using Ellen Page to capitalize on the popularity of Juno, while offering relatively nothing new. That being said, I’ll probably see it just to spite myself. 

Youth in RevoltAll of you fuckers who said, “Michael Cera can only play Michael Cera” can suck it! He can play Michael Cera and Michael Cera with a mustache! 

AladinThis modern-day interpretation of the story of Aladdin told through the magic of Bollywood is bound to be the greatest movie no one will ever see. 

The Boys are BackWatching Clive Owen cry is as cripplingly depressing as seeing Arnold Schwarzenegger sitting stationary behind the governor’s desk. 

Leslie, My Name is EvilIf there’s one thing you don’t see enough of in romantic comedies, it’s Charles Manson

BronsonIf I miss this movie, I don’t think I’ll be able to live with myself. This trailer is refreshing, original, sexy, and off-the-wall. While we’re all sitting shiva waiting for Guy Ritchie to come back, we have Nicolas Winding Refn offering us delicious lemonade and Rice Krispie Treats

One Good ManI’m sorry, can we make a rule, please? Mormons aren’t allowed to have their own movies unless there’s at least one black guy in them. With reviews like, “Captures the spirit of Mormonism,” I can’t help but be confused. I didn’t notice any fear, bigotry, infidelity, racism, or arrogant ignorance in the trailer…hmmm…maybe they’re talking about a different “spirit on Mormonism.” 

Adventures of PowerSome may accuse me of writing lazy reviews…but I may accuse some of making lazy movies. There is not one element of this movie that makes it look “good.” But at the same time, it’s probably going to be effortlessly hilarious. 

The BoxAs intense and original as this film may look, I must still take issue with PG-13 Cameron Diaz film entitled The Box, simply because of the 0% chance that we will actually be seeing Cameron Diaz’s “box.”

Alex G/

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Jennifer’s Body and a One Trick Pony

alexbwDiablo Cody, the ex-stripper pop culture junkie who gave the world the Award-Winning film Juno (only to make us instantly regret it), has dropped off the radar for awhile; that is, at least, for those who haven’t been obsessively stalking her in hopes that they might be able to score a sneak peek at the imaginary Juno II.

Wanna know what she’s been up to?

Are you sure? 

If you really want to hear about it, Cody has been hard at work re-enforcing Megan Fox’s point that being an attractive young actress yields very few opportunities to be taken seriously.

Cody’s new film, Jennifer’s Body, is a comedy/horror conglomerate that answers questions that no one was asking; questions like: I wonder if Diablo Cody could make a horror movie sexy and funny?

The answer, of course, is: Probably, but not without consequence.

Juno was a pop culture phenomenon which has been completely forgotten about (except by MTV) since the release of Superbad–a film that made Michael Cera lovable to people who “don’t get” Arrested Development.

Jennifer’s Body, on the other hand, seems to contain the same quirky dialogue that made Juno intolerable to some, and that makes Gilmore Girls intolerable to everyone. But, judging from the preview (one of which was released with BRUNO this weekend), the dialogue seems to be presented with a slight tongue-in-cheekness.

Whether or not Diablo Cody wants this film to be taken seriously is debatable; however if the film’s objective is to give Cody’s Hot Topic fans something to get wet over (which I’m certain it is), it’s a total win.

Megan Fox portrays a super sexy popular high school girl (no shit?) who is possessed by a demon and sets out to seduce and kill/devour high school boys…which leads me to believe that Diablo Cody’s youth was either lost or misspent.

Horror fans will eat this up (no pun intended) if they weren’t annoyed to all hell with Juno…and Juno fans will enjoy it, if they’re not completely turned off by Megan Fox at this point (and who isn’t?).

What annoys me most is Fox’s statement that she wants to be a real actress and all these special effects movies she does are for shit because they’re not really about acting as much as they are about explosions and being attractive. What is this? Breaking the Magician’s Code?

Here’s how they do the trick, Megan: They pay you to dick around and be pretty on film so that guys nerds will pay to see a shitty sequel to a shitty robot movie.

Is it time for Megan Fox to go away for awhile? Maybe get addicted to something, check herself into rehab, come out in a year, and make some phenomenal piece of Arthouse horseshit that winds up winning every award possible…?

The red band trailer makes me hate myself for wanting to see this. Maybe I have some kind of inexplicable man-crush on Adam Brody…or a weird/quirky straight-crush on Amy Sedaris.

Either way, I have nothing against Diablo Cody, personally, but when your very first film explodes to an unpredictable degree of  critical acclaim, I think it’s safe to say that you just might have shit the bed.

Ask Kevin Smith.

Alex G/

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