“Cash Me Ousside”is the new “Live Strong”

It may seem like forever ago, but the public got their first glimpse at 13-year old Danielle Bregoli back in September 2016 when she appeared on The Dr. Phil Show. The key moment was when the teenage car-thief, enraged with the audience’s reaction to her, shouted, “Catch me outside. How ’bout that?” And the rest was history. While it didn’t catch on immediately, the Internets know when they have a good thing going and the meme exploded in early 2017.

Since then, Danielle, now known world-over as the “Cash Me Ousside Girl,” has been seen on TMZ getting tossed off a Spirit Airlines flight for disorderly conduct–and subsequently banned from future flights; and ranting in various videos throughout social media.

We even got a bit of a Mandela Effect moment from her, but it turns out we were just thinking about every other uncontrollable fatherless white girl who’s ever been exploited by daytime television.

The level of exploitation this naive teenager is experiencing can only end badly. No doubt she’s letting it go to her head; but the rest of the world isn’t helping when they either threaten and harass her, or inflate her ego as the questionably talented Kodak Black did in his latest music video with World Star Hip Hop.

Like Hollywood, the hip hop community is no stranger to exploiting children, but I propose we gut this problem now and turn Cash Me Ousside into the new Live Strong. Instead of a facetious excuse to make fun of a teenage wigger’s use of AAVE, we can turn “Cash Me Ousside” into an affirmation, a charity, or a cause; a slogan that means you are independently ready to fight for what you believe in.

Because fuck Dr. Phil. Danielle is a hero.

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Why the David S. Pumpkins Sketch from ‘Saturday Night Live’ is Objectively Awful

If you watched the episode of Saturday Night Live hosted by Tom Hanks on October 22nd, (and honestly, why would you have?) you’ll no doubt by hip to the sketch that grabbed America by the imagination-balls: The Haunted Elevator.

The premise of the sketch is a couple enjoying a “haunted elevator” ride with a scary vignette appearing on every one of the 100 floors (100 Floors of FRIGHTS). Everything seems to be going as planned until the appearance of Tom Hanks as the funky MC, David S. Pumpkins.

Pumpkins is just a random confusing character with Mikey Day and Bobby Moynihan (of course) dancing opposite him in skeleton-hype man fashion. It’s all very silly, and totes random!

What would otherwise be a throwaway sketch which would likely get a comedy writer fired or burned at the stake has sparked a social media shitstorm resulting in memes and the David S. Pumpkins Halloween costume to sell out everywhere from SpiritHalloween.com to AmazonWhich is ironic because the “Seasonal Party Suit” costume was likely one of their lowest selling until this month. I wonder if SNL will attempt to bring it back with David S. ChristmasTrees in the cringiest way possible, as they are apt to do literally always.

But why does everyone love it now? Every article explaining the phenomenon will tell you the same thing: It’s TOM HANKS, of course!

But if that were true, people would be flocking out to see his movies…and they ain’t. So what is it?

Well, I have a theory that may not surprise you: autism.

That’s right. Whether high-functioning autistic or intellectual man-children, people just want something to take their minds off of what’s sending them into the latest autistic rage-fit.

Whether it’s the 2016 election that’s keeping people from fucking.

…or getting all wrapped up and emotional over the deaths of some characters on their favorite TV show they vowed never to watch again (see what I mean about the autistic fits?).

People are losing it. And if bloggers and journalists can’t seem to put the puzzle together in their think-pieces about what makes comedy funny, I’ll do it for them.

It’s not funny. It’s retarded. And so are you.

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