We all want to believe in a better life, a sustainable way of living, and a semi-guided path to follow our dreams without the soul-crushing monotony of a mundane existence. But let’s face it: for most of us, these goals are about as likely as Kevin Smith winning a Best Picture Oscar (or, Christ, even a Golden Globe). On New Year’s Eve, every year, we hear the same whiny bullshit about “resolutions” that never seem to work out. So, for once, let’s skip all that nonsense and consider ways that we can force other people change so that we don’t have to. Awesome-sauce.
1. Let’s stop over-celebrating small victories and lackluster accomplishments.
The big civil rights victories in the past few years have been enormously overblown in this supposedly advanced society. The election of a black president set a standard of passionate fervor that could only be surpassed by that president actually giving a shit about the concerns of those who got him into office in the first place.
We praise every insignificant wartime victory as if we’re creeping ever closer to a major impact on the Middle East. After forcing the resignation of every capable homosexual troop in our military with no reaction from those who were supposedly opposed to it, we treat the legislature that enables gays to die for our country (but not get married) as some kind of monumental cultureshock victory for the far left.
2. Twitter must go back to being insignificant.
Remember when Twitter first began? We all picked up on the silly trend only to discover it’s amazing value for communication and self-promotion. It took a long time for the rest of the media world to climb on board and realize the commercial worth of the social networking site, but not very long at all for them to destroy it. While Twitter remains to be a practical tool for communication
to a mass audience (and let’s not forget it single-handedly almost kinda sorta made an Iranian Revolution possible…kinda), it has been rapidly taken over by a mass influx of celebrities and idiots.
Don’t get me wrong, I love celebrities, and idiots are a nearly constant source of amusement…but when it you combine the two, you’ve either got a Justin Bieber teeny bopper with a limited grasp on the English language, or Ashton Kutcher. And both of these things are ruining everything.
3. People must be judged.
Eventually, and I’m not saying right now, but soon, we need to seriously evaluate who we are and who our peers seem to be. Everyone deserves a second chance and everyone deserves a certain level of “benefit of the doubt,” but no one should be free of judgment. The whole “judge not lest ye be judged” thing needs to be thrown the fuck out and replaced with a definitive reflection on what is sane and reasonable and what is outright batshit. Not all people, beliefs, and opinions need to be treated with the same respect and value.
4. Bro’s are no longer allowed to be homophobic.
It’s a well known fact that straight guys (and I’m referring, of course, to obnoxiously straight guys) are 15-100% more gay than any gay guy ever was or will be. Having said that, obnoxiously gay men can be pretentious, self-righteous and self-important, but that’s just a natural result of an adult male’s convoluted emulation of a black chick in her 20-somethings.
Long story short, bros who style their hair, pose like guidos in every photograph, and engage in other rampant forms of homoeroticism are not allowed to pretend to be all grossed out when a buddy puts his balls in their mouth while they’re sleeping…or awake.
..and stop saying shit like “bros before hoes” and “rise and grind.” That shit’s pretty gay.
5. If you’re out of High School, High School is over.
This is not to say that the friends and enemies you’ve made in High School should no longer remain the frenemies of today, but the drama must cease; and the same rule goes for college. I often find myself reminiscing over the values of my scholastic career–the direction and motivation it provided. But all too often you’ll meet the Joe College 20-or-30-something fucktard who totally
misses all of the awesome parties and you’ll have to hear an interminable diatribe about how much they wish they could still have that life. But guess what… You can!
You’re a fucking adult now and there’s nothing holding you back. You now have the choice…and most likely LESS responsibility than you had in college or high school. You could eat pizza and ice cream for breakfast and pass out in your own vomit once the sun goes down. Don’t sweat it. Just live your life.
When you’re stuck in High School or College, it’s no different than being hung up on an ex-girlfriend, except your friends are less
likely to say “get the fuck over it!” But I’m your friend now, so that’s what I’m saying.
So if you have no other New Year’s Resolution this year, make it this (and I’ll even spell it out in those cute little internet initialisms you kids love):
Always remember T41S and GTFOI
Think for a second, and get the fuck over it.