The SuperDPS Guide to Conspiracy Theories

From the beginning of time, the mentally unstable have turned healthy skepticism and questioning authority into a madhouse of unpredictable, unprovable, and unimaginably nonsensical theories.

The eternal unanswerable question is “Why?” Why would the government fake a moon landing, house alien life forms, cover up the paranormal, or orchestrate a terrorist attack? The reason we don’t know “why,” is simple: because it’s not true.

Reality is a harsh mistress, and the pains and revelations that come with it are even harsher. But let’s suspend reality for a moment and ‘spelunk’ into the deepest caverns of psychotic Conspiracy Theories (after all, if Jesse Ventura believes it, it must be true).

Area 51–Let’s just dive balls-first into this, shall we? It seems that whenever an individual of limited intellectual capacity can’t fathom an easy answer to a question, the result is one of two not-so-different options. Either religion, or conspiracy. Because the government barely acknowledges the existence of this military base/possible testing facility, and the public is allowed no where near it, obviously it must be a cover-up. The film Independence Day mocked this theory with subtle glee, while playing up the wacky fantasy that perhaps the government is hiding information about alien life on Earth…or time traveling robots, or whatever your imagination can dream up.

Bilderberg Group–This is actually a real organization. Unlike the Illuminati or the Stone Cutters, this fraternal order of the rich and influential is legitimate in that its existence is based in the real world. Its purpose and practices, however, are the makings of the conspiracy theorist’s wet dream. The group was created to address concerns about individuals being “Anti-Western World” and to increase trust in an effort towards “unity and peace.” Essentially, it’s a boys’ club–but the “boys” in question are amongst the most powerful and influential people in the world. They don’t control the world, they’re not a secret world government, they’re a bunch of old men having a discussion–like when your Grandpop goes to his American Legion meetings–except, add a couple trillion dollars. It’s easy to develop these “what are they really up to?” feelings towards the unreasonably rich. But no one ever questions the wealthiest Conspiracy pushers about what their real motives are.

ChemTrails–This theory may be one of the more insane and delusional claims made by conspiracy theorists. Simply put, this is the idea that the streaks of condensed water vapor left behind by planes or jets in the sky are actually a secret government “crop dusting” effort to control the population. These “chemical trails,” must be a frightening phenomenon to most people because, well, anything that can be easily explained by grade school science can’t be the true reality.

DTV Transition–There are several raving hypotheses regarding the semi-recent switch to Digital Television boxes becoming a must-have for those of us who don’t subscribe to Cable. The most prominent of which is that the government has installed tracking and/or camera surveillance systems in the DTV boxes to keep a Big Brother eye on us as we lazily watch television all day. This makes almost perfect sense; but wait, what if the DTV boxes emitted some kind of mythical mind-control waves to force us to buy things we see on commercials…or even…gasp…vote for a particular presidential candidate?!

Everlasting Light Bulb and the ELF–On very rare occasions, Conspiracy Theories can be beneficial to the future of humanity. In the 1980’s, it was postulated that a lightbulb was invented which would never run out of power. It was bought by a corporation and hidden so that we would keep buying temporary bulbs. Now, researchers are actually working on extremely long-lasting bulbs for consumer use, so this reality isn’t too far off.

Briefly, ELF (extra-low frequency) or infrasound is a theory that the government/aliens/the Jews are producing messages or mind-controlling elements that can’t be picked up by traditional devices. Some believe that they can actually hear these messages, but in all fairness, these same people also are notorious for rolling around in their own batshit.

Federal Reserve–The Federal Reserve is obviously a real institution, but the theory is that they are an anti-American world power built on the destruction of the currency in order to create and establish their own infinite power over the Western world. It’s been fairly well established in the past few years that leaders of the big banks (the Fed being the biggest) are not necessarily looking out for the best interests of the people. Are they manipulative? Dishonest? Unfair? Probably; but are they an evil organization bent on world domination? Well, what are they waiting for? Another collapse?

Global Warming–When we can’t get a total grasp on new scientific data, we tend to get dismissive and angry. Are we approaching an Ice Age or a nightmare hellscape of Earth’s core bursting from within? There is a lot of dispute, mostly amongst the religious sects and the paranoid about the End of Days and the coming apocalypse with no regard to the possibility that we may be able to prevent it. “Global Warming” is a scare tactic, like “Obama Care” or “Katy Perry’s tits.” Our planet’s climate is changing and whether we’re causing it directly, or it is a natural result of elements is still up for debate. What isn’t up for debate is whether or not Climate Change is a conspiracy to throw the Traditional American Life off balance. Especially because the typical American citizen is already off balance.

HAARP–The High Frequency Active Auroral Research Program is a massive defense project with the purpose of developing radio communications and surveillance. When it comes down to creating high frequency radio waves in order to further define military strategies is, HAARP will inevitably become a White Whale for Conspiracy Theorists. HAARP is blamed for causing weather anomalies (which is, of course, much more believable than Global Warming), and this goes so far that it is actually blamed for the 2010 Haitian earthquake. Not fault lines, not the movement of plates, but a high frequency radio wave. This is what happens when you base your logic and reason off of X-Men and The X-Files.

Illuminati–Contrary to popular belief, the Illuminati was a real organization established in Bavaria in 1776. It was an enlightenment-era organization for self-proclaimed “free-thinkers,” modeled after the societal structure of the Freemasons. Where the Freemasons were based mostly around the “working man,” the Illuminati attracted the literary crowd; writers, poets, and philosophers. If we’ve learned anything from The Little Rascals, it’s whenever a private institution is established (even if it is temporary), outsiders will create radical and imaginative concepts about what goes on behind those closed doors. If there is an Illuminati today, it exists in much the same way as it has historically, and not working towards controlling the world.

Kennedy Assassination–No matter how many times the trajectory, timing, aiming, and planning behind this nationally heartbreaking event are laid out, proven and established, the conspiracy theory will still continue. On a large scale, the conspiracy has switched from “Who Shot JFK?” to “What elements led up to his murder?” This is a fair argument to make, but, ultimately, it’s an argument that will go nowhere. It may be no coincidence that both John and Bobby Kennedy were assassinated, but the facts and evidence for both remain soundly in favor of one lone psychopath. And making up fables of interconnected agencies plotting the demise of the Kennedy family simply isn’t the reality.

Landing on the Moon–Surprisingly, I’ve met people who insist that the Apollo 11 Moon landing in 1969 was an elaborate hoax. What baffles me is the idea that the government couldn’t cover up a break in at a Hotel, or a Presidential blowjob, so how would they ever keep something as gigantic as a mission to the Moon under wraps? And for over 50 years! There are many reasons why the Moon landing was as real and significant as any other major historical event, but I won’t be bothered to go into it. Man has been to the moon. Several times.

Manchurian Candidate–A 1959 novel by Richard Condon, later spawning a Frank Sinatra film and a Denzel Washington remake, The Manchurian Candidate has become a terrifying reality for many paranoid and mentally unstable Americans. The concept is that the government plucks individuals off the streets, programs them to become a super soldier or government-controlled drone, then wipes their memory. Sooner or later they will be called upon to perform a particular task, whether it be assassination, domestic terrorism, or whatever the powers that be need accomplished that day. The individuals have no memory or recollection of these acts or having been programmed to complete them. Essentially, this batch of sci-fi nonsense is a catch-all back up for any other conspiracy theory.

New World Order–Popularized by lunatics in the media and controversial documentaries, the New World Order is the crown jewel of conspiracy theories. The real scare tactic put into play here is that everyone, no matter who you are, is fucked. The government, the aliens, the sleeper cells, the Federal Reserve, the media, the Jews, the black president; they’re all coming to get you, to turn you into a drone for their own capitalist order. The end result is that the powers in charge will create unified continents, much like the European Union. A North American Union is their biggest fear: Canada, USA, and Mexico under one unified law and currency. Once these unions occur all over the globe, the next logical step would be a one world Union, and that rolls out the carpet for the Big One: The One World Government.

Obama Care–I’m not particularly ashamed of living in America, with access that all of the wonderful things my country has to offer, but I’d be lying if I said I weren’t ashamed of my fellow Americans. Conspiracy Theories are insane because they’re delusional and ultimately unprovable. There really is no conspiracy because every corporate or media propaganda for the purposes of keeping people ignorant, sick, and frightened is blatantly and brazenly out in the open. We just don’t give a shit and we’re too occupied watching The Celebrity Apprentice to take notice. The fact that we don’t have Universal Health Care in this country is absolutely shameful. The marketing machine behind spreading Obama Care fear isn’t complex or brilliant. The people who fought against National Health are the same people who have been voting down every luxury, convenience, and progressive idea since the beginning of civilization.

Personal ID Implant–The rise of technology scares a lot of people. From the time that people didn’t want electricity switched on in their home because they thought it would blow up or burn down, to the ongoing and bewildering theory that cell phones create brain tumors–people are panicky, stupid, and ready to leap before they take the time to look. Conspiracy Theorists are taking the possibility that microtechnology will eventually reach the point that devices for health or communication could be contained under our own flesh as a sign that we will all be tracked and branded for an uncertain future. Perhaps to keep us contained or in order. The question here, dismissing all of this “Control the Population” bullshit, isDoes more technology and easier communication all over the world make us more free, or less?’

Reptillians–The sheer balls behind this kind of impossible claim is mind boggling. When you hear a story about someone being abducted by aliens, you immediately think, “well, that’s crazy.” Now, imagine taking that a step further and claiming that not only have aliens visited Earth to study human life, but they are actually Lizard-people who walk amongst us, covered up by certain government agencies, while actually running other agencies; namely: the Presidency of the United States. If only the people who claim Obama wasn’t born in this country realized how right they were!

September 11th–The biggest tragedy to fall upon New York City, topping both CATS and Spiderman:Turn off the Dark, 9/11 will go down in the big book of Conspiracy Theories like the Kennedy Assassination and the Moon Landing. I could go on and on about why 9/11 was a terrorist attack and not an inside job; but the conspiracy theorists don’t listen to facts or evidence. The only testimony they take is from the frightened and traumatized. They shape their own reality; and in the process, they wind up on par with the fanatics who protest at soldiers’ funerals.

UFO Crash at Roswell–Many very intelligent scientists will tell you that the possibility of life on other planets (even intelligent life) is extremely likely. In a vast and perhaps even infinite universe, the likelihood that humans are alone just seems silly. But have aliens ever traveled to our planet? Almost certainly not. Did the accidentally crash in Roswell, New Mexico? No. But you can get a ton of crazy alien crap at a local gift shop.

Vaccines–Having a child with autism or any kind of mental disability is an extremely difficult hardship to endure. It is understandable to one to pass blame or look for a simple answer; a finger to point. Developing scare tactics, especially when done by celebrities who have easy access to the public ear, is irresponsible and destructive to the future of humanity. Vaccines save lives, don’t cause autism, and any pseudo-religious cult that supports this anti-medicine rhetoric is inherently harmful to society.

Zydokomuna–This is a little-known term to describe the widely held belief that Jewish people are somehow forming a Communist plot to rise up take over, well, everything. It was this mentality that drove German forces to a mass genocide of the Jews during World War II, but this antisemitism goes back much farther than that. The most frightening reality is that this feeling is still going on today all over the world.

Alex G/

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Sex Blogger Misty Kaye’s 10 Reasons I Won’t Reply to You

mistyavatarMen, you suck at online dating.  You’re not just a little bit bad at it. You really, really suck.  Yes, you’ve got it tough.  More than half of the decent personal ads out there are just spammers in disguise, and the real girls are so inundated with potential suitors that you’re likely to get lost in the crowd.  But if you think being a girl in the online dating world is easy, you’ve got it all wrong.  Rifling through all of the bullshit you guys send us isn’t for the faint of heart, and sometimes it’s downright painful.  So I’m going to give you a break with the hope that some of you will learn from your mistakes – and the mistakes of so many others – and tell you exactly what it is you’re doing wrong.

1. YOUR EMAIL IS IN CAPITAL LETTERS

“HI I AM 44, 205LB BLUES EYE BROWN HAIR 5’11. I AM LOOKING FOR A GREAT WOMAN WHO LOOKING FOR LTR. I ENJOY CAMPING, FLY FISH, PHOTOGRAPHY AND ALL TYOE OF SPORTS. i REAL LIKE TO GET OUT AND SEE NEW PLACE AND ENJOY NATURE. I AM RETIRED SO I HAVE ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD FOR A RELATIONSHIP. I WOULD LIKE TO FIND A WOMAN WHO WOULD ENJOY THE THING I LIKE TO DO AS I WOULD LIKE TO DO THE THING SHE LIKE TO DO ALSO.

I AM CARING,LOVING MAN WHO TREAT WOMAN WITH RESPECT. I BELIEVE THAT ANY RELATIONSHIP IS BUILDED ON TRUST, HONIESTY AND COMMUCATION WITHOUT THESE THREE THING THERE IS NO RELATIONSHIP. I BELIVE THAT A RELATIONSHIP IS BUILD BY TWO PEOPLE AND IT ALWAYS NEED REBUILDING AS TIME GO BYE. I AM SUPORRTIVE OF THE PERSON I AM WITH IN THEY CAREER AND PERSONAL LIFE.

I ENJOY KIDS AND HOW YOU WILL TOO AS I HAVE THREE DAUGHTER ALL IN THEY TEENS. THEY DON’T NEED A MOM THEY HAVE A GREAT ONE BUT A FRIEND IS ALWAY NICE. I HOPE TO HEAR FROM YOU SOON.”

—You may be the wittiest, most charming thing on two (three?) legs, but everything you say is going to sound like a monster truck show if you SAY IT IN CAPITAL LETTERS.  If you didn’t know by now, typing in capital letters is considered shouting.

Would you walk up to a girl in person and shout your pick-up lines in her face?  If the answer is yes I suggest you give up now and save yourself, and the poor ladies that cross your path, a lot of headaches.  Otherwise, take a moment to refresh your memory on proper capitalization and DO IT RIGHT.

2. Your email would make an English teacher’s eyes bleed

“Am a blak male 24yr about 5’6 an i love movies xbox an sex an fun i like all games like to laugh but hit me to know more

—Maybe you’re not an English major and your email isn’t being submitted to a literary journal, but that doesn’t mean you can’t use complete sentences, decent grammar, and (for God’s sake!) a spell checker.  You’re trying to make a good first impression, remember? Sending a girl one big run-on sentence with 47 typos isn’t the way to do that.

Once you’ve finished writing your email, take a moment to read through it and check for some obvious mistakes.  Proofreading skills a little rusty?  Read it out loud, and ask yourself if that’s how you’d say it in person.  If not, you’ve got some work to do.  And, for goodness’ sake, boys, please learn the proper uses of you’re/your and there/their/they’re, and don’t EVER say “u” or “ur.”

3. You lack that personal touch

“I’m Porat I’m 27 and I currently live in Tacoma. I’ve been here for about 4 years, I moved up here from California (where I grew up).I currently work full time for a behavioral health clinic in Seattle as a financial case manager. I’m not too sure what to expect from this but I’m always looking to meet new people. Well if you’re interested let me know.”

—You guys may think you’re increasing your odds by sending the same pre-written response to every girl who posts a personal ad, but this rapid-fire approach is bound to fail.  By not including anything in your response that addresses her ad directly (“I love that you only wear purple socks, that’s my favorite color!”) you’re telling her that you don’t really care who she is.  As long as she’s a living, breathing mammal, you’re game.  I can’t tell you how flattering that is.  It sure makes me want to drop my panties for you.

Additionally, sending an email to every single girl that posts means you haven’t personally selected her ad based on the things she said about herself and what she wants in a potential partner. In the unlikely event that a girl responds positively to this approach, the likelihood that the two of you will get along is much lower than if you had only contacted women that are interesting to you and looking for the same things in life. In short, this approach is a waste of everyone’s time.

4. Gratuitous Ab Shots

Theres plenty of cock-shots on CraigsList, too...if youre interested.
There's plenty of cock-shots on CraigsList, too...if you're interested.

—I know you’re proud of all of the hard work that goes into those sweet abs, but please don’t be so pushy about showing them off.  Unless a girl has posted her ad in the casual encounters section of a dating site or specifically mentioned the importance of a nice body in her ad, these kinds of pictures are inappropriate for a first email and, honestly, just plain ridiculous.  Try showing her there’s more to you than just a set of abs.  Unless there isn’t, in which case you’d better just use what you’ve got and hope for the best.

5. Throw me a freakin’ bone, here!

“I went to an Ultimate Frisbee game last June with a girlfriend. Never been to one before. Met some cool people.

-Seth”

—Replying to a personal ad with small talk, a description of your dog, or a dull question about one of her interests (“Since you’re a baker, maybe you can tell me how they get that delicious creamy filling into a Twinkie.”) may seem like a great way to get a conversation started, but if you take this approach, you’re really missing the point.  Unlike in a bar or club, when a girl posts a personal ad she’s putting herself out there as available and asking you if you’re interested.  This isn’t the time for small talk, you’ve got to get in there and tell her you like her.  I can assure you, there are 20 other guys who have already told her, so if you’re wasting time on small talk why would she waste her time on you?

6. LOL, you’re not as funny as you think


“How is your week goin so far? My knee has been bugging me this work week. I can’t wait for the weekend! Lol… Looks like it going to finally rain out there. Its about time. We are due for a good rain.”

—I’m not sure how else to say this: Guys, please stop laughing at your own jokes.  Sprinkling your email with a bunch of LOLs doesn’t show your sense of humor.  Every good comedian knows you don’t laugh at your own material, so just stop it.  And if you simply must LOL at yourself, at least make sure you’ve said something funny.

7. You think short is sweet

“We should talk. I saw your ad and think we’d have fun together.
– Thayer”

—In most cases, I’ve taken a few minutes to write out a thoughtful personal ad telling you a little bit about myself and what I’m looking for.  If you don’t have time to do the same in your response, then you probably don’t have time to be dating.  Next!

8. Your picture is not worth a thousand words

Im about 400 pounds...white...
"I'm about 400 pounds...white..."

Whether it’s a snapshot of your sweet smile or your kick-ass abs, expecting your photo to do all the talking isn’t going to cut it.  Even the pretty boys have to open their mouths eventually, so make sure to include a few consonants and vowels with that jpeg.

9. Save the drama for your mama

“I believe life is but a journey and with each new experience we grow ever closer to understanding the existential nature of who and why we are. Everything you are is the culmination of everything you have been. Therefore if you are someone I enjoy I have to have reverence for the collection of events that is your past.

The notion of a perfect mate is a myth. My own life is rife with imperfection and it has been my experience that your own level of perfection is inversely proportional to how perfect you believe yourself to be.

As far as has been proved to me, we have but one life to live. Our days should be cherished and our moments celebrated with as much rapture as we can muster. With this in mind my most beloved moments were in the company of those nearest and dearest to my heart and soul.”

—[snip…blah, blah, blah]
—Look guys, I didn’t want to read your shitty poetry in high school, and I don’t want to read it now in response to my personal ad.  That means both actual poetry and overly-dramatic attempts at being charming.  You may think your prose is sex on wheels, but odds are you just sound cheesy.

10. If I wanted to read a novel I’d be picking up guys at the bookstore

Yes, I told you not to make your responses too short, but don’t go overboard.  Your first email is about introducing yourself and letting me know what you liked about me and what I might like about you.  This isn’t the time for your hopes and dreams or a detailed look at your family history.  Just a good paragraph or two will get this thing started.  If I am wading through 45 email responses and open yours to find a 10 page essay, I’m likely to just click the  Next button and never look back.

And now for a few honorable mentions:

Using ellipses instead of periods
Will you use that many dramatic pauses when we meet in person? I…hope…not…

I’m just not that into you
Let’s face it: Even if you haven’t broken any of the rules, I just may not be into you.  Them’s the breaks.

Talking about your appearance when including a picture
Dude, you don’t have to tell me you have brown hair, I can see it for myself.  And don’t tell me how cute you are. Aren’t I supposed to be the judge of that?

Including your Myspace link
We’re all adults here, okay?  Let’s act like it.

Misty Kaye

(you can read more from Misty at www.HerKnees.com)

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