Rox Trash Radio, Ep. 205

We kick this episode off with Net Neutrality and why everything you heard is wrong / My ‘Star Wars: The Last Jedi’ thoughts and review with spoilers / Turning to local politics with the rise of the Asians / Helen Gym embarrasses herself and wheels out a bewildered black woman on DemocracyNow / The ‘Different Kind of Democrat’ coalition becomes the ‘Lady B Army’ and diverts all of their attention to getting a washed up DJ re-hired / The new Eminem album is a stale mess of nonsense references and tired Trump insults / A Christmas Story: Live ruins A Christmas Story / TJ Miller is the next Little Weinstein and Pete Davidson loses what was left of his mind.

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The Day America Elected a Frog

1Let’s get one thing straight. Most of America doesn’t vote; so before you gloat about “America wanted Trump” or “It appears Clinton won the popular vote, so clearly America wanted Clinton,” understand the the vast majority of the country didn’t give a fuck about either candidate; or at least not enough to push a button.

Since the beginning of this election cycle–all the way back to the primaries, the media, pollsters, experts, and dipshit comedians made one thing perfectly clear: Donald Trump did not stand a chance. But there was something else going on that they didn’t quite grasp:

Most people don’t really like being seen as villains.

It began with the Tea Party, a diverse nationalist group mainly focused on decreasing the power of the Federal Government, and against amnesty for illegal immigrants. They were called racists. Then we expand the scope to gun violence and the evolution of Black Lives Matter from a law enforcement watchdog group into a terrorist organization. But if you spoke against BLM, you were called racist. Then we expand further to Islamic extremism, the failure of European governments to get a handle on terrorism and corrosive Islamic culture within their borders, and those who had a problem with it were called racist.

But the Social Justice movement had their own frustration against the big government cronies. They formed Occupy Wall Street and attempted to stand up for “the 99%”, a portion of the country they felt were not given preferential treatment over the elite and wealthy donors, lobbyists and powers that influence practically every move in government, no matter what party is in power.These protest groups slowly dismantled and became dysfunctional versions of themselves; largely due to public perception of their behavior (along with their actual objectionable behavior).

Any legitimate concerns about violent protests, riots, terrorism, murders and collegiate safe-space culture were immediately shut down as racistsexisttransphobichomophobic or islamophobic by the youth culture and their pearl-clutching “cool” professors.

Then the introversion began. People became increasingly apprehensive about voicing their disapproval, so they did so anonymously…via social media, or by living vicariously through outspoken provocateurs like Milo Yiannopoulos or satirical troll-havens like 4chan or Reddit. And it was in this cavern of anonymity that people chose Pepe the Frog as a symbol of their dissatisfaction.

While the typical election bullshit reached a fever pitch, the media assured the fainting-couch left that there was no possible way “New-Hitler Donald Trump” could possibly win. They asked millions of Americans through countless polls and the vast majority agreed. Donald Trump was a metaphysical impossibility.

But the cult of Pepe hadn’t been polled. They weren’t “likely voters.” The disenfranchised never are.

So when the time came to vote for a woman president, those who opposed her were called sexist. They didn’t like her political cronyism and they didn’t like the new Ghostbusters movie. They were the pariahs, living in the shadows, being shouted down by their peers, and being laughed off by the media.

They decided “fuck em. I’m going to vote Pepe.” And by this point, Pepe was solidified as Donald Trump. It could have been anyone. Any outsider who rose to national intrigue based on flippant behavior and complete disregard for the media’s non-stop belittlement. Make no mistake. This vote was not for Donald Trump, though many do sympathize with his political ideals. This was a vote for “fuck you.”

1This election wasn’t just a mirror of Britain’s Brexit vote…where the silent majority spoke out against what they perceived as a cultural holocaust…and agreed to turn their backs on the people who have been calling them bigots for the better part of a decade.

This election was punk. This election was hip hop. This election was the blowback of a culture war started long ago. The delusional moral superiority of the millennial culture created a volatile space that alienated the voices of reason, backed them into corners, and silenced them into sociological persecution–or at least the threat of it.

Many of those individuals chose not to cower in corners but to attempt to carefully fight back…swinging wildly, but with open-hands. All of their voices falling on deaf ears.

The rest waited, dormant, stoic. Waiting for the day when they could voice their frustration, not with a Facebook post that will get them suspended, or a Tweet that will get posted on Gawker with the caption “Check out THIS fucking idiot!” Principled, non-voting anarchistic and frustrated former-voters came out in droves. And while the actual voter turnout numbers were still relatively much lower than the media expected, they came out to push that button for Pepe the Frog. The anomaly. And Pepe won.

trollI’ve written several articles on this site about the swell of fear around a Trump presidency, the brazen corruption and seemingly unsinkability of the fascistic left, the rise of Pepe the Frog as a symbol of “hate”, some prude blogger cunt’s inability to fuck because of Trump, and more. And everyone dismissed the idea of Trump being a fuck of a lot closer to the White House than anyone was prepared to admit. And though I never boasted confidence in his eventual victory, I welcomed it with open arms.

So if you’re worried, shivering, sweating, protesting, still calling people sexist and racist for finally standing up to you and your cunty drivel–get a grip, grow some fucking balls, and figure out how you’re going to get through your miserable days knowing that all your hypocritical regressive bullshit just got your salty asses thrown the fuck out. So now you have to deal with it. Now you have to accept the repercussions of your incessant white knight cancerous fucking narrative. You asked for this. The grave is yours to fill.
Chickens, meet Roost.

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Disney Pre-9/11 Video Vault: First Kid

31996 was a big cultural year for America. We hosted the Atlanta Summer Olympics, which was subsequently bombed by terrorists, killing one person and injuring over 100 more; the first three-parent baby was conceived through mitochondrial donation in New Jersey, of all places; The Ramones played their final show while Bob Dole was officially nominated for President by the Republican Party; the story of the Reagan CIA‘s role in crack cocaine importation to fund the Contras is published in the San Jose Mercury News; and a 3-year old boy fell into a 20-foot deep gorilla enclosure at the Brookfield Zoo in Chicago, ending with Binti Jua, a female lowland gorilla sitting with the boy until he was rescued…basically the opposite of Harambe.

But in the midst of all of this craziness in our country, Walt Disney and Buena Vista Pictures released a little Sinbad vehicle called First Kid.

Like most Disney family films around this time period, it starts off relatively safe in a boys-will-be-boys goof-off kinda way, turns needlessly melancholy, and then gets straight-up bonkers. So let’s begin.

1Sinbad plays Secret Service agent Sam Simms, a fat goofball who is essentially always a cunt-hair away from being fired. Why he’s qualified or continues to keep his job doing one of the most no-nonsense jobs in the country is beyond even him.

Brock Pierce plays the title character; First Kid, Luke Davenport, son of President Paul Davenport, and all-around little piece of shit teenager.

3.jpgThe movie starts out with Luke treating everyone around him, especially his personal Secret Service Agent, Agent Woods, like utter garbage. Woods is kind of a dickhead, but he doesn’t seem to deserve Luke’s bullshit. Eventually, Luke pisses Woods off so thoroughly that the Secret Service Agent grips him up, and is promptly fired…and replaced by, you guessed it, fucking Sinbad.

But don’t sleep on Agent Woods, because he’s not out of the picture just yet.

After seeing Luke get his ass handed to him by that punk bitch Zachary Ty Bryan from Home ImprovementSinbad decides that it’s now his duty to not only teach Luke how to fight, but to help him get laid. Again, Luke is a young adult teenage boy.

Sinbad proceeds to risk his entire career, freedom and reputation, go against Luke’s parents (the President and First Lady, remember), and technically kidnap the First Kid to help him score with some school crush.

1You see, Luke can’t relate to any other kids because he’s constantly under protection and surveillance as the First Kid. He eats lunch alone, and gets bullied by Zachary fucking Ty fucking Bryan from Home Improvement. And even though Luke is a dick to Zachary Ty Bryan as well, we’re supposed to feel bad for him because he cries about not having any friends or family time.

The only time Luke gets to talk to anyone freely, it’s either Sinbad–a grown ass man–or, his mysterious anonymous online-pal “Mongoose12.” Not creepy at all.

Luke and Mongoose12 really “get” each other and chat almost every day. Remember, this is in the mid-90’s, a time where the Internet was new, and we were very naive about child predators using clever pick-up lines like “ASL?

After Luke defeats Zachary Ty Bryan (who we think is the villain of the film), the Secret Service bursts into the school dance and Sinbad is fired and forbidden from speaking to the First Kid ever again. Remember, this is in the mid-90’s when a Secret Service Agent putting a child’s life in danger is met with a slap on the wrist, apparently.

So, while Luke is under “White House arrest” with a homing device attached to him, his bestest online pal, Mongoose12 starts offering him advice on how to escape from the White House and meet up at a local shopping mall…as normal kids do.

But what happens when Luke follows through with this fool-proof plan?

1.gifIt turns out that cool-kid Mongoose12 was none other than Agent WOODS, the disgruntled Secret Service Agent from the beginning of the movie! And he’s gone over the edge. Woods kidnaps Luke, and now the President has to figure out a way to get him back!

Who should he turn to? The police? The FBI? The numerous other Secret Service Agents who aren’t incompetent or homicidal? Fuck no, call up Sinbad! He can’t possibly screw up again!

Oh, and boy oh boy did things get worse because of it. Agent Woods was planning on returning the boy to his parents and taking credit as the hero. But when Sinbad showed up and Woods got found out, he decided he was just going to murder Luke.

Agent Woods tries to shoot Luke but Sinbad takes the bullet. Don’t worry, he lives, and Woods is taken to justice.

In the end, Sinbad is regarded as a hero and given the option to guard to the President (for some reason, based on one act of heroism)…which he declines so he can keep fucking Luke’s biology teacher; a subplot that no one could have predicted.

Then Luke hits a street hockey puck into Sinbad’s stupid face, and that’s how the movie ends.

If you thought that final hostage scene came out of fucking nowhere, you weren’t the only one. Apparently, 1 and a half minutes of the film were cut from its British Home Video release because the scene was deemed too graphic for a PG-audience.

Yikes.

This movie is so bad-ass that it almost became Disney’s first PG-13 movie. Well, technically, The Black Cauldron came the closest…but who gives a fuck?

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