1996 was a big cultural year for America. We hosted the Atlanta Summer Olympics, which was subsequently bombed by terrorists, killing one person and injuring over 100 more; the first three-parent baby was conceived through mitochondrial donation in New Jersey, of all places; The Ramones played their final show while Bob Dole was officially nominated for President by the Republican Party; the story of the Reagan CIA‘s role in crack cocaine importation to fund the Contras is published in the San Jose Mercury News; and a 3-year old boy fell into a 20-foot deep gorilla enclosure at the Brookfield Zoo in Chicago, ending with Binti Jua, a female lowland gorilla sitting with the boy until he was rescued…basically the opposite of Harambe.
But in the midst of all of this craziness in our country, Walt Disney and Buena Vista Pictures released a little Sinbad vehicle called First Kid.
Like most Disney family films around this time period, it starts off relatively safe in a boys-will-be-boys goof-off kinda way, turns needlessly melancholy, and then gets straight-up bonkers. So let’s begin.
Sinbad plays Secret Service agent Sam Simms, a fat goofball who is essentially always a cunt-hair away from being fired. Why he’s qualified or continues to keep his job doing one of the most no-nonsense jobs in the country is beyond even him.
Brock Pierce plays the title character; First Kid, Luke Davenport, son of President Paul Davenport, and all-around little piece of shit teenager.
The movie starts out with Luke treating everyone around him, especially his personal Secret Service Agent, Agent Woods, like utter garbage. Woods is kind of a dickhead, but he doesn’t seem to deserve Luke’s bullshit. Eventually, Luke pisses Woods off so thoroughly that the Secret Service Agent grips him up, and is promptly fired…and replaced by, you guessed it, fucking Sinbad.
But don’t sleep on Agent Woods, because he’s not out of the picture just yet.
After seeing Luke get his ass handed to him by that punk bitch Zachary Ty Bryan from Home Improvement, Sinbad decides that it’s now his duty to not only teach Luke how to fight, but to help him get laid. Again, Luke is a young adult teenage boy.
Sinbadproceeds to risk his entire career, freedom and reputation, go against Luke’s parents (the President and First Lady, remember), and technically kidnap the First Kid to help him score with some school crush.
You see, Luke can’t relate to any other kids because he’s constantly under protection and surveillance as the First Kid. He eats lunch alone, and gets bullied by Zachary fucking Ty fucking Bryan from Home Improvement. And even though Luke is a dick to Zachary Ty Bryan as well, we’re supposed to feel bad for him because he cries about not having any friends or family time.
The only time Luke gets to talk to anyone freely, it’s either Sinbad–a grown ass man–or, his mysterious anonymous online-pal “Mongoose12.” Not creepy at all.
Luke and Mongoose12 really “get” each other and chat almost every day. Remember, this is in the mid-90’s, a time where the Internet was new, and we were very naive about child predators using clever pick-up lines like “ASL?”
After Luke defeats Zachary Ty Bryan (who we think is the villain of the film), the Secret Service bursts into the school dance and Sinbad is fired and forbidden from speaking to the First Kid ever again. Remember, this is in the mid-90’s when a Secret Service Agent putting a child’s life in danger is met with a slap on the wrist, apparently.
So, while Luke is under “White House arrest” with a homing device attached to him, his bestest online pal, Mongoose12 starts offering him advice on how to escape from the White House and meet up at a local shopping mall…as normal kids do.
But what happens when Luke follows through with this fool-proof plan?
It turns out that cool-kid Mongoose12 was none other than Agent WOODS, the disgruntled Secret Service Agent from the beginning of the movie! And he’s gone over the edge. Woods kidnaps Luke, and now the President has to figure out a way to get him back!
Who should he turn to? The police? The FBI? The numerous other Secret Service Agents who aren’t incompetent or homicidal? Fuck no, call up Sinbad! He can’t possibly screw up again!
Oh, and boy oh boy did things get worse because of it. Agent Woods was planning on returning the boy to his parents and taking credit as the hero. But when Sinbad showed up and Woods got found out, he decided he was just going to murder Luke.
Agent Woods tries to shoot Luke but Sinbad takes the bullet. Don’t worry, he lives, and Woods is taken to justice.
In the end, Sinbad is regarded as a hero and given the option to guard to the President (for some reason, based on one act of heroism)…which he declines so he can keep fucking Luke’s biology teacher; a subplot that no one could have predicted.
Then Luke hits a street hockey puck into Sinbad’s stupid face, and that’s how the movie ends.
If you thought that final hostage scene came out of fucking nowhere, you weren’t the only one. Apparently, 1 and a half minutes of the film were cut from its British Home Video release because the scene was deemed too graphic for a PG-audience.
This movie is so bad-ass that it almost became Disney’sfirst PG-13 movie. Well, technically, The Black Cauldron came the closest…but who gives a fuck?
There’s a political schism in this country that has been exported throughout the Western World through religion and an imaginary system of values which should never be part of global or national policy to begin with.
It seems only right that someone attempt to explain the points of view commonly associated with the Republican Party in a manner as backward and convoluted as humanly possible.
Be sure to keep in mind that not everyone who calls themselves a “Republican” actually holds these same beliefs. The party is full of individuals with individual thoughts and ideals–who were all created in the image of God to make sure their children aren’t converted to faggotry.
Axis of Evil—If there really is evil in the world, and I mean “true evil” not like the Liberal Jew-run Media…evil evil…then it would be these guys. After 9/11 (see Nine/Eleven) everyone who wouldn’t help us out was a traitor and part of Satan’s army of darkness (see Us VS Them…and also, see Army of Darkness…cool movie). Anywho, the Axis of Evil originally included Iran, Iraq, and North Korea, but then walking-muppet John Bolton added Libya, Cuba, and Syria just for fun. Basically, any repressive country that had any history of being mean to us got the label.
FUN FACT: America is in the Axis of Awesome.
Big Business–The Grand Ol’ Party, and the right in general, has largely been associated with Corporate America. Although the government as a whole is connected with Big Business and banking, this is the side of the rich fat cats looking down from their ivory towers. Tax cuts for the wealthy have been a recent staple of right-wing administrations, but for the sake of argument, let’s just say that your lives are essentially worthless.
FUN FACT: The Monopoly guy will be in prison for the next 10-15 years…or until someone rolls doubles.
Christianity—Every several hundred years, God decides to support not only a particular nation, but a particular party within a government. Luckily, this time God thought it was the Republicans’ turn at the wheel. It is the sworn duty of the Right to protect the Christian faith, because Jesus needs an army…and to make sure that everyone knows that Muslims are wrong. They must be, because they’re in the Axis of Evil…but not Saudi Arabia–blessings and peace be upon them.
FUN FACT: The Jews used to be God’s chosen people, but Jesus said they could run the Media instead.
Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell–Because America’s Army is God’s Army and God hates fags, our military has a very strict no-homo policy (just like Lil’ Wayne). If the Army finds out you’re gay, then you’re out. It’s that simple; no matter how valuable you may be to the Army, you’re gone. President Obama is currently attempting to repeal ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,’ but many on the Right are opposed to it because God hates fags and Obama’s a fag.
FUN FACT: The most difficult thing about being part of the Right Wing is the effort that goes into disguising your brazen hatred as legitimate policy.
Elephant–In 1874, political cartoonist Thomas Nast represented the Republican party with an Elephant and the Democratic party with an Ass. Normally, Republicans try to use the Eagle as their representation as to associate themselves with freedom and patriotism rather than behemoth pachyderms of destruction. The term “Elephant in the Room” is used to describe a prevalent issue that people are too stubborn and self-conscious to talk about–so it could be associated with any rebuttal of a Republican talking point.
FUN FACT: Like Elephants, Republicans never forget–unless they specifically asked to remember…
FOX News—A conservative-based cable news channel which has recently become known as one of the most trusted media sources in the United States. This fact alone should clue you in that the Right is consistent and thorough in their journalism and reporting. The slogan of FOX News is “We Report, You Decide” while their tag-line is “Fair and Balanced.” For those of you who don’t watch FOX on some moral or ethical grounds, you should know that they are about as Fair and Balanced as possible; they go out of their way to balanced accurate news stories with unadulterated wild speculation.
FUN FACT: When you stare into the burning blue-gray eyes of FOX’s Glenn Beck, you can see the human race, in its entirety, burning in the unstoppable flames of apocalypse.
Guns–The Second Amendment, generally referred to by gun-owners as “America’s First Freedom” (because they don’t recognize the First Amendment as a legitimate freedom), allows for the nation’s populous to arm themselves for protection from a hypothetical tyrannical government. When Barack Hussein Obama (don’t you hate having a president whose name doesn’t pass Spell Check?) declared the Right to be a bunch of frightened individuals clinging to their guns and their Bibles, those “Real” Americans were outraged–and rightly so! When you get all of your facts from a book that starts off with a talking snake, it’s understandably difficult to connect to the truth.
FUN FACT: It is common knowledge that guns don’t kill people; people kill people–but the gun sure does raise those odds! *High Five!*
Hannity, Sean–The reason Hannity gets his own slot outside of FOX NEWS is because he is a special case. Sean Hannity used to host a FOX debate show with Alan “P-Diddy” Colmes (a squirrely little liberal with the frame of an exhumed corpse) until the plug was pulled because even a quiet, unobtrusive liberal was too-much-liberal for FOX. Hannity claims that America is, “the greatest, best country God has every given man on the face of the Earth,” and he’s absolutely right. God made America a plentiful, beautiful, second Garden of Eden–and then the Europeans raped and pillaged their way to total domination.
FUN FACT: America is the greatest, best country Allah has ever created just to spite the Middle East.
Intelligent Design–A loud minority from the right seems to believe that for the history of human scientific discovery, we’ve been dead-fucking-wrong about everything. You see–and stay with me here–the Theory of Evolution (and it is just a theory, of course) can not possibly be true because it suggests that creatures changed and genetically mutated through Natural Selection over billions and billions of years. This simply can not be the case because the Bible says that every living creature that exists now was created in one day…with magic.
FUN FACT: Redneck comedian Ron White says, “You can’t fix stupid.” Rednecks who listen to Ron White answer, “So there’s no use in tryin’.”
Joe the Plumber–During the 2008 presidential campaign that brought America’s first foreign, Communist president, we were introduced to Sam Wurzelbacher who the public knew only as “Joe the Plumber.” Why not “Sam the Plumber?” Fuck you, that’s why. Joe was first seen speaking with Obama in a public forum about his tax plans for small businesses–and how it would affect him if he chose to open his own business. Obama calmly explained his plan, which Joe didn’t understand–and from then on, he became a talking point for the entire Republican Party which had (and continues to have) absolutely no interest in trying to understand President Hussein’s wacky plans for reform.
FUN FACT: Joe the Plumber became a foreign correspondent for FOX NEWS (seriously).
Kindergarten–For many people, especially on the Christian Right, life begins at conception and until we can overturn that pesky Roe VS Wade decision, we will remain in a dark and evil time where women have control over their own bodies. Every child that is not aborted or thrown in a trashcan by a teen who just wants to have a fun Prom is a personal victory for Republicans–but several years later, Kindergarten begins…and so begins another issue: What are those faggot teachers teaching our unaborted children? The Right believes that it is the Gay/Democrat agenda to demand tolerance from future generations by teaching Kindergarten kids about anal sex, condoms, and fist-fucking…and it’s terrifying.
FUN FACT: By the time you get the courage to take back your Country, every single man, woman, and child will have gone gay. Think about it.
Liberal Pussies—If you believe in science, have a moral objection to war, live in a major city, feel empathy and compassion towards others, and readily accept handouts from your government–chances are, you’re a Liberal Pussy. Although the more articulate candidates and pundits would never use this term, it is often substituted with words like “elitist, leftist, bozos, protesters” or simply “liberals.” After all, the Real America exists in either the states that came later/had no say in how this country was formed/lost the civil war.
FUN FACT: When Craig T. Nelson was broke, collecting Unemployment, and using Food Stamps, who was helping him out? Nobody.
Marriage—Typically the words that should always follow the word “Marriage” are “is between a man and a woman.” But not if the Left gets their way. It seems that anything that lives and breathes should be allowed to get married, and the slippery slope has no shallow abyss. If gays and lesbians can get married, why not animals and people? Plants and people? Inanimate Objects and people? Traditional Marriage has always been a staple of our society and is a commitment made under the perverse eyes of our Lord–between a man and a woman–for as long as they’re campaigning for re-election.
FUN FACT: It’s customary in this country to an oppressed group to gain the monumental achievement of Civil Rights and then turn right around and spit in the faces of another minority group. It’s the circle of life.
Nine/Eleven–Any kind of political indictment or opposition can be solved by mentioning these two numbers. It’s a mysterious silence spell that will confuse civilization for years to come. Whether the issue be torture, inappropriate airport security, immigration, national security, war crimes, etc…the Right needs only to utter these two (seemingly meaningless) but magical numbers and the problem is immediately shut down. For example: “Do you believe that your treatment of this innocent prisoner fell under the category of cruel and unusual punishment?”…”Well, Nine Eleven.”…The End.
FUN FACT: Former Mayor of New York City, Rudy Giuliani, received an honorary knighthood from the Queen of England for his bravery in uttering the numbers “Nine Eleven” more than six-billion times within the period of one year. Such a feat has never been attempted, even by the most powerful wizards of medieval England.
Oil—In order to keep our Energy Independence and take power away from the Terrorist Countries that we get our oil from, we must drill here and drill now. Naturally, if we use up all of our own natural resources, it will be easier to beg countries with more money and power to suckle at their financial tit. We have the capacity to gain more Black Gold from within our own soil; however, in many cases, laws protecting wildlife and forest land prevent us from extracting the delectable Texas Tea from those particular grounds. This is definitely an important issue because we absolutely refuse to invest money in any kind of alternative or renewable energy source (see Liberal Pussies).
FUN FACT: Endangered Species don’t even have cars!
Patriotism–Everyone who wishes to call themselves citizens of this country–or even real Americans–must unwaveringly put the U.S. first. The Right has a true hard-on for Patriotism, which is a noble ideology in theory, but in practice it becomes a little frightening. Every generation goes through a period where they are either ashamed to call themselves “American” or are disappointed in their country’s decisions. During the presidential administration(s) of George W. Bush, a law was passed called the “P.A.T.R.I.O.T. Act”–and while most of its contents were minor additions to the Government’s already-creepy powers, America was divided between the outraged and the flag-wavers (see Us VS Them).
FUN FACT: Patriotism became mandatory for a brief period in the early Twenty-First Century. Now, nobody gives a shit.
Quiet Racism–Perhaps one of the most finely-tuned skills of a Right-Winger is the ability to disguise obvious racism as legitimate disapproval. While your grandparents have a “Racist Pass,” elderly members of our government aren’t so fortunate. They must choke on their hatred while a kind-of black president verbally cock-slaps them into submission. African American leader of the Republican National Committee, Michael Steele probably lies awake at night with the knowledge that–not only is he the Blackest individual in the Republican Party, but sadly, also the Whitest.
FUN FACT: Even though most of the Republican Party object to Michael Steele’s influence, they can’t give up on him because he’s the darkest person they’ve got…and they couldn’t imagine coming off as racists.
Ronald Reagan–Next to Jesus Christ, Ronald Reagan is the most important person in the Republican Party. You would think that Abraham Lincoln, the first Republican President, would be a stronger role model, but…(see Quiet Racism) Reagan was a true Hollywood Actor, but he was always known for being just a regular guy; not like those elitist celebrity candidates like Republican Arnold Schwarzenegger (which Spell Checkdoes recognize, oddly). They say that Reagan never wanted to be president–he only wanted to “play” president–but his policy and legacy inspire boners to this day.
FUN FACT: Reagan’s policy was never to speak ill of a fellow Republican, so whenever current Republicans talk shit, they are required to place their obligatory photo of Ronald Reagan in a sealed envelope.
Sarah Palin–After Barack Obama won the 2008 presidential election, Democrats and Liberals thought that they could breathe a long sigh of relief and forget the terrible months in history that the other 49 States of America were aware of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin’s existence. Well, suck on it, because she’s back and probably trying to get into politics again. After Palin’s random and unpredictable resigning from the position of Governor of Alaska, she vowed that she could do more to inspire Americans by not being politically involved. This couldn’t be more true. Now that Palin isn’t a Governor anymore, it’s like she’s single and ready to mingle. Yes, she’s still married, but it’s not every day that a quirky MILF comes along and speaks such fluent retarded-baby-talk-politics that even the most developmentally disabled hillbillies can pretend to be intrigued.
FUN FACT: You can feel free to associate Sarah Palin with this.
Tea Baggers—Now referred to as “Tea Party Members” because of the obvious sexual implications of ‘tea-bagging,’ this term describes those who organized in large numbers with the aid of FOX News to almost-coherently protest Barack Obama’s presidency. Originally, they organized as “Birthers,” or, those who believed that Obama’s birth certificate was a fake and he was actually a radical foreign Muslim. Thank goodness they’ve come to their senses and are now attacking Obama only on his mission to bring America into the educational, scientific, and medical ballpark after being spectators for many years. In all fairness, many of the younger people manufacturing dissent for this cause are actually Democrats in favor of fucknuts candidate Lyndon LaRouche. These are the same people who called Bush and Cheney “Nazis” and are now doing the same to Obama.
FUN FACT: Lydon LaRouche will never (ever, ever, ever) be President and therefore, must do everything in his power to make illegitimate the presidencies of others.
Us VS Them–If you combine our foreign relations with our Nationalism and Xenophobia, you get the Right Wing “Us VS Them” mentality. After all, terrorists aren’t attacking us because of our political and religious motivations–it’s because they hate our freedom. The word “them” or “they” can not refer to individuals (men, women, children) because that would bring about sympathy in the American spirit. “Them” must therefore refer to “terrorists, insurgents, or enemy combatants.” It is this very specific tactical wordplay that keeps citizens in line and discourages them from going crazy and killing their left wing neighbors. Even those leftists hate America, they’re still not as bad as the invisible enemy.
FUN FACT: Conspiracy theorists also tend to use the “Us VS Them” method of rallying supporters, but they tend to be much less active, preferring mainly to read the ravings of fellow mad men on the Internet and attend AA meetings.
Virgins—Much like the sanctity of Marriage, the desire for youth to be sexually uneducated and preserve their bodies and souls for their one true love is a major necessity. If we refuse to teach our children about proper sexual conduct, they will–unfailingly–be less prone to engaging in sexual activity. As we all know, this is a myth of epic proportions, but it’s important to stand by myths and support them until it negatively effects your life personally.
FUN FACT: Some studies (don’t ask me which studies) suggest that chicks who are taught not to have vaginal intercourse until they’re married are more likely to perform oral or anal sex…and that’s all we really need anyway.
Wealthy White War–I couldn’t decide which one of these words to utilize for “W” but I figured they chain together fairly well. From the beginning of American history, War has been planned, instigated, and caused by Wealthy White Men. It may have been the farmers and poor gun-totin’ yokels who fought the War for Independence, but they sure as fuck didn’t blow the whistle. Make no mistake: war is often the only answer to problems that can not be solved diplomatically. If you and yours are directly threatened, there’s only one option left. To say that “war is never the answer” is shockingly naive, but doesn’t it feel nice? Even in the case of a noble American War, we typically wouldn’t enter into it unless there were some clear and direct benefit as seen through the eyes of the Wealthy and the White.
FUN FACT: From the Drug War to the Star War, everyone loves a good battle–but sometimes the enemy isn’t as clear and present as Hitler or Vader. In these cases, we can substitute a rational enemy with an irrational fear–like Terror.
Xenophobia—Fear of the world and the people outside of our own tightly knit communities has always been America’s alcoholic uncle–we’re not sure why we keep him around, but we’re so used to him that we’ll come to terms with the fact that he prevents any kind of peace-of-mind at the party. Despite the fact that America, like most of the Western World, exists only as a mixing bowl of cultures and races, we will always have an irrational fear of immigrants and outsiders. What happens when Mexicans take over all of the shit-scooping and dirt-digging jobs that hard-working Americans are begging for? What happens then? I’ll tell you what happens then: Communism.
FUN FACT: If we were really so xenophobic, we probably wouldn’t have let black slaves into our homes…with their rap music…
Yester-years—These were the fictitious good ol’ days of Leave it to Beaver, a happier time that only existed on Television and in the hearts and minds of psychotic conservatives everywhere. We are determined to package and sell a lifestyle that never truly existed in the first place–a better lifestyle when everyone’s parents stayed together, retarded kids were locked in closets, and if you were gay, you were just beaten to death in the schoolyard. Those were the days.
FUN FACT: Did you ever wonder what happened to the Brady Bunch couple’s previous marriages?
Zealotry—While this doesn’t necessarily have to be a negative thing, it very easily can become one. If you’re a fanatic over any particular person, character, or ideology you pack the potential to harm yourself and those around you. The Right maintains a Zealotry for God and America’s Forefathers. The danger exists due to the fantasy of the fanatic. You know how you used to think you were still in love with your Ex, but really you were only remembering what you wanted to remember about the whole horrible clusterfucked relationship? That’s how the Right feels about God and America’s Founding Members. They constantly invoke the word of the Lord and the imaginary Intentions of the Forefathers, bending the already pre-established beliefs and writings to suit their agendas at the time. You’re still thinking about your Ex, aren’t you?
FUN FACT: You’d be surprised how easy it is to fabricate ideas and statements made by either Fictional Characters, or persons in history that you refuse to actually read about.
Hopefully, we’ve all had a decent-enough education to know that at one point in American History, the consumption and sale of alcohol was strictly prohibited by the United States government. Fortunately, this occurred at a time in History when our government could learn from their mistakes and push “we fucked up” initiatives after stupid decisions had cost the lives of many citizens and made the bad guys more powerful.
But did you know that for most of our weird and twisted history as an independent nation, drugs were legal and commonplace all over the country? I’ll assume that you did, and that I’m not telling you anything new–but just for the sake of argument, let’s examine our bizarre (but true) history of Prohibition.
1611–Farmers in Virginia began to harvest a miracle crop called “hemp.” Its fibers were valuable in a shitload of different necessary items, and eventually, Britain (who still ran the show back then) ordered American farmers to grow as much hemp as possible. It was a cash crop and nobody–probably–knew how fun it could actually be.
Cannabis grown locally had very small traces of THC–as opposed to the shit you buy at the playground that makes you think George Lopez is funny.
Early 1800’s–That’s right, it took about 200 years for people to even fucking think about medical or recreational uses for this stuff. And it all started with an Irishman (doesn’t everything?) named William O’Shaughnessy studying medicine in India. He came to the conclusion that cannabis may actually have some medical benefits. And then…
1839–Mr. O’Shaughnessy comes to America.
1850’s–Cannabis Indica (Marijuana) becomes commonplace in Pharmacies all over America. These forms of the drug were almost entirely grown outside of America (because American cannabis was still being grown for fiber purposes); which means that the people who needed it actually got the good shit.
Because there were so many other/better/more powerful drugs available–and because cannabis was typically thought to be only a medical drug, there were virtually no examples of it being used for recreational purposes…until…
Early 1900’s–Mexican laborers began to enter into America with a recreational crop they had been toking for ages: Marijuana. America had no concrete record of previous recreational Marijuana use.
1913–In a glorious example of good ol’ fashioned Southern hospitality, a handful of cities and states began to outlaw the use of Marijuana because…well, Mexicans were ‘fucking crazy.’ So, yeah, it was just about that racist.
1914–The Harrison Narcotics Act comes into play. The government over-steps its bounds and decides what’s good for the people and what they should be prohibited to imbibe.
Those chosen to select and testify against certain narcotics actually stood up for cannabis, saying that there was no evidence for any potential to be addictive or harmful. And Congress listened.
1920’s–In January of 1920, the efforts of the batshit temperance movement in the United States (led by ultra-conservative Christians and–SURPRISE–the KKK!!) paid off and the National Prohibition Act/Volstead Act/18th Amendment went into effect. It was declared “The Noble Experiment,” and it outlawed essentially any kind of contact with alcohol for consumption purposes.
Two groups benefited highly from this: The Mafia and the Catholic Church. The Mafia had a new business to exploit, and the Church–which was not effected by the ban for “freedom of religion” reasons–was one of the only places people could get some booze.
People had cannabis. It was right there for them to use whenever they wanted, and they said “fuck it, we have coke and opium.” Cannabis as both a cash crop and a medical drug started to decrease drastically in popularity to the point where people simply didn’t care for it anymore.
This was eventually paired with stories of “the evils of Marihuana (sic).” But people didn’t make the connection between the domestically grown hemp crops and the scary Mexican jumping weed.
At this point several other states began to outlaw the possession of pot…even California.
Headlines at the time read like horror stories: Mexican Family Goes Insane From Eating Marihuana. This intense shitstorm gave rise to remarkable pieces of cinematic gold like Reefer Madness, which warned that you will become a murderous, suicidal rapist if you come into contact with the killer bud.
1930–Congress establishes the Federal Bureau of Narcotics and chooses evangelist Harry Anslinger to kick ass and take names. Essentially all of the sensationalist and retarded anti-pot propaganda originated from this man’s work. And the racial tension grew from there.
1933–The National Prohibition Act (for alcohol, remember) is repealed by FDR’s Twenty-First Amendment. This accomplished the following:
-took profits from the black market and out of the hands of the Mafia.
-allowed for citizens to ease their suffering during the Great Depression.
-gave the U.S. lots of tax money that they had been missing out on for over a decade.
-decreased the production of dangerous home-made moonshine.
…but the damage was already done. Stock-car racing (Moonshine Runners) took off as a competitive sport, and now we’re stuck with NASCAR.
Mid-1930’s–A television ad campaign that vilified blacks and Hispanics–who were no doubt responsible for corrupting the quiet, saintly, white communities with this evil drug–was pumped into the minds of all concerned citizens. And that’s why your grandparents are racist.
These ads had two core motivations: to scare people away from Marijuana, and to scare Americans into a master-race of white xenophobic racists. Blacks and Mexicans stalk the streets, high on dope, looking for pure, innocent white women to rape and corrupt. True story.
By 1935 most states in the U.S. had anti-marijuana laws on the books–and pseudo-studies into the effects of pot-smoking sounded like this:
Cannabis users are capable of super-human feats of strength and should be considered extremely dangerous. Sexual desires are increased drastically which could lead to indecent exposure or rape. Marijuana causes the destruction of brain tissue which can lead to irreversible insanity ending in horrific death.
1937–Because Congress at this time believed an official ban on possession and use of Marijuana an abuse of their power, they passed the Marihuana Tax Act instead. This law stated that every transported ounce of marijuana to the general public would cost the distributor $100 in taxes.
This was meant to be a deterrent, but if it was illegal to possess pot in most places anyway, who the fuck was going to pay the tax?
At one of Congresses (only) two hearings to debate the issue, Harry Anslinger brought out the big guns, saying that marijuana was the Mr. Hyde to Dr. Jekyll. He brought in doctors who testified that even animals with prolonged exposure to marijuana were rendered “unserviceable” and were “discarded.”
When the American Medical Association stepped in, they called Anslinger out on his bullshit–saying that all of the testimony against marijuana has no supporting evidence and proposing that the Marijuana Tax Act unfairly cripples all medical research for cannabis.
And the AMA won!
Jay-Kay! In fact, Anslinger’s propaganda was adopted by Congress to be absolute fact and a major element to support their decisions about the future of marijuana in America.
The reality is that most of the people voting on the Marijuana Tax Act had very little-to-no knowledge of what Marijuana was. And with a swipe of FDR’s pen, the future of Marijuana was determined.
1940’s–Despite the apparent “dangers” of marijuana, it was still grown and cultivated by the United States government. The Office of Strategic Services, a military organization formed during WWII, used the drug’s THC content as a “truth serum” and defined it as the best and most effective they’d ever seen.
1960’s–It was by this point the marijuana’s recreational use was pretty much fully understood. Those who were growing and supplying the product had figured out how to make it more potent and…well…better.
As is the case with everything else that had been legal, and was suddenly made illegal, it got more dangerous. Not that smoking marijuana is particularly dangerous, but the varying degrees of THC content ensures that you’re never really sure how powerful your weed will be.
The transportation, sale, and manufacturing of illegal narcotics becomes a dangerous practice as well; and like alcohol prohibition, you put the entire business in the hands of criminals–as well as create criminals out of law abiding citizens who just want to get a little high.
Also, you create a stoner/hippie movement that just gets so fucking annoying.
1969–The War on Drugs is established by President Richard Nixon. It doesn’t actually go into effect until 1970 under the name: Comprehensive Drug Abuse Prevention and Control Act of 1970.
1973–The Controlled Substance Act creates the Drug Enforcement Administration to replace the Bureau of Narcotics and Dangerous Drugs.
The DEA and the Department of Health and Human Services are put in charge of determining which drugs they will go after and which drugs they won’t (using the pseudo-evidence of marijuana’s harmful properties as scientific fact).
1988–President Ronald Reagan creates the Office of National Drug Control Policy to lead and legislate the war on drugs. The head of which would be named the “Drug Czar.”
1993–The Drug Czar is raised to “cabinet-level” status by President Bill Clinton.
2009–President Obama vows to drop the title “War on Drugs” and devote significant “War on Drugs” funds to the prevention and treatment of drug abuse for the fiscal year 2011; but no official end to prohibition is in sight.
So, the next time your pothead friend starts rambling about how anti-marijuana legislation is racist and illegitimate, you’ll know that he’s absolutely right…
…but you still don’t have to fucking listen to him.