Two unrelated but equally intriguing thoughts have been rattling in my brain over the Thanksgiving holiday. Oddly, it’s taken a fair bit of moving around the procrastinating in my schedule to find the time to formally write them down. While it’s true that the magnitude of my procrastination has reached epic proportions, I am yet to completely veg out and abandon all conscious thought.
Let’s start with the trivial—and like most trivial concepts, we’ll begin with the wide world of sports and entertainment. When Michael Vick, convicted superstar of the Eagles (convicted of taking part in the systematic fighting and execution of dogs, not specifically of being a superstar), was accepted to the Philadelphia team, he was met with a fair level of dissent. The rally cries were either “Torture Vick the same way he tortured helpless animals” or “Give Vick a Second Chance.”
Both of these statements were short-sighted and made hastily with no real sense of what the fuck Vick as a human being was (and certainly still is) capable of. It seems that when celebrities, athletes, or marginally talented famous people are convicted of a semi-serious criminal activity, they are treated with the most delicate sensitivity by the majority of Americans.
I’ll explain. So often do we hear the naïve battle cry of, “Celebrities get away with everything.” And, of course, this is true. The rich do enjoy a certain buffer zone within the laws many of us take for granted. A parking ticket or traffic violation that may take groceries out of our budget could quite easily be pennies and pocket fluff for someone else.
Automobile violations aside, how often does our celebrity culture jump to the defense of the rich and famous when they’re taken in for a crime that would land any “normal” American either behind bars, or up to their tits in court fees and bail costs?
Stop me if any of these sound familiar: FREE WEEZY, FREE WINONA, OJ’S INNOCENT, GIVE VICK A SECOND CHANCE!
The truth is that Vick has had several blown chances (not as many as McNabb though! ZING! No, I don’t give a shit) and his true nature is simply ignored and pushed aside in favor of him being a possible golden ticket to the Super Bowl.
Meanwhile, celebrities who’ve really done nothing wrong but be cocky, arrogant douchebags are vilified despite their undeniable talent. Just ask a bunch of Football fans what they think of Kanye West.
Changing gears on the conversation a little bit, I wanted to touch on an issue that’s already been covered at length. That issue is, of course, simple-minded, willfully ignorant, probably racist, redneck conservatives. Specifically, the notion their acceptance and/or denial of the necessity for proof.
As a self-proclaimed reasonable, rational, and often skeptical human being, as I may rightly or wrongly assume most of you are, I can honestly say that I do my best to seek out proof of stories and new bits of information before I accept or deny them. If no solid proof is available, I’ll generate a reasoned opinion based on the facts available depending on who they information is coming from. But, obviously, you know all of this already, because you, like me, live in the real world.
You and I live in a world that is almost certainly godless; a world where people are only as good as the content of their character; a world where judgment is only passed based on outside factors like racism, jealousy, bigotry, love, honor, or stupidity…not in the unseen and unknowable opinion of an obsolete bronze age deity.
Yet, to the faithful—that is, to the stubborn and myopic faithful—god, faith, stereotypes, and misplaced ideologies are the only things that seem to be accepted with no determinable evidence.
But where do they put their collective foot down when it comes to the “burden of proof” in the 21st century? Obama’s Birth Certificate, Global Warming, Evolution, Healthy Living, and whether or not it’s actually Michael Jackson’s voice on his first of inevitably too many posthumous albums.
I don’t mean to be alarmist, but I don’t think our species has long left.
There’s a political schism in this country that has been exported throughout the Western World through religion and an imaginary system of values which should never be part of global or national policy to begin with.
It seems only right that someone attempt to explain the points of view commonly associated with the Republican Party in a manner as backward and convoluted as humanly possible.
Be sure to keep in mind that not everyone who calls themselves a “Republican” actually holds these same beliefs. The party is full of individuals with individual thoughts and ideals–who were all created in the image of God to make sure their children aren’t converted to faggotry.
Axis of Evil—If there really is evil in the world, and I mean “true evil” not like the Liberal Jew-run Media…evil evil…then it would be these guys. After 9/11 (see Nine/Eleven) everyone who wouldn’t help us out was a traitor and part of Satan’s army of darkness (see Us VS Them…and also, see Army of Darkness…cool movie). Anywho, the Axis of Evil originally included Iran, Iraq, and North Korea, but then walking-muppet John Bolton added Libya, Cuba, and Syria just for fun. Basically, any repressive country that had any history of being mean to us got the label.
FUN FACT: America is in the Axis of Awesome.
Big Business–The Grand Ol’ Party, and the right in general, has largely been associated with Corporate America. Although the government as a whole is connected with Big Business and banking, this is the side of the rich fat cats looking down from their ivory towers. Tax cuts for the wealthy have been a recent staple of right-wing administrations, but for the sake of argument, let’s just say that your lives are essentially worthless.
FUN FACT: The Monopoly guy will be in prison for the next 10-15 years…or until someone rolls doubles.
Christianity—Every several hundred years, God decides to support not only a particular nation, but a particular party within a government. Luckily, this time God thought it was the Republicans’ turn at the wheel. It is the sworn duty of the Right to protect the Christian faith, because Jesus needs an army…and to make sure that everyone knows that Muslims are wrong. They must be, because they’re in the Axis of Evil…but not Saudi Arabia–blessings and peace be upon them.
FUN FACT: The Jews used to be God’s chosen people, but Jesus said they could run the Media instead.
Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell–Because America’s Army is God’s Army and God hates fags, our military has a very strict no-homo policy (just like Lil’ Wayne). If the Army finds out you’re gay, then you’re out. It’s that simple; no matter how valuable you may be to the Army, you’re gone. President Obama is currently attempting to repeal ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,’ but many on the Right are opposed to it because God hates fags and Obama’s a fag.
FUN FACT: The most difficult thing about being part of the Right Wing is the effort that goes into disguising your brazen hatred as legitimate policy.
Elephant–In 1874, political cartoonist Thomas Nast represented the Republican party with an Elephant and the Democratic party with an Ass. Normally, Republicans try to use the Eagle as their representation as to associate themselves with freedom and patriotism rather than behemoth pachyderms of destruction. The term “Elephant in the Room” is used to describe a prevalent issue that people are too stubborn and self-conscious to talk about–so it could be associated with any rebuttal of a Republican talking point.
FUN FACT: Like Elephants, Republicans never forget–unless they specifically asked to remember…
FOX News—A conservative-based cable news channel which has recently become known as one of the most trusted media sources in the United States. This fact alone should clue you in that the Right is consistent and thorough in their journalism and reporting. The slogan of FOX News is “We Report, You Decide” while their tag-line is “Fair and Balanced.” For those of you who don’t watch FOX on some moral or ethical grounds, you should know that they are about as Fair and Balanced as possible; they go out of their way to balanced accurate news stories with unadulterated wild speculation.
FUN FACT: When you stare into the burning blue-gray eyes of FOX’s Glenn Beck, you can see the human race, in its entirety, burning in the unstoppable flames of apocalypse.
Guns–The Second Amendment, generally referred to by gun-owners as “America’s First Freedom” (because they don’t recognize the First Amendment as a legitimate freedom), allows for the nation’s populous to arm themselves for protection from a hypothetical tyrannical government. When Barack Hussein Obama (don’t you hate having a president whose name doesn’t pass Spell Check?) declared the Right to be a bunch of frightened individuals clinging to their guns and their Bibles, those “Real” Americans were outraged–and rightly so! When you get all of your facts from a book that starts off with a talking snake, it’s understandably difficult to connect to the truth.
FUN FACT: It is common knowledge that guns don’t kill people; people kill people–but the gun sure does raise those odds! *High Five!*
Hannity, Sean–The reason Hannity gets his own slot outside of FOX NEWS is because he is a special case. Sean Hannity used to host a FOX debate show with Alan “P-Diddy” Colmes (a squirrely little liberal with the frame of an exhumed corpse) until the plug was pulled because even a quiet, unobtrusive liberal was too-much-liberal for FOX. Hannity claims that America is, “the greatest, best country God has every given man on the face of the Earth,” and he’s absolutely right. God made America a plentiful, beautiful, second Garden of Eden–and then the Europeans raped and pillaged their way to total domination.
FUN FACT: America is the greatest, best country Allah has ever created just to spite the Middle East.
Intelligent Design–A loud minority from the right seems to believe that for the history of human scientific discovery, we’ve been dead-fucking-wrong about everything. You see–and stay with me here–the Theory of Evolution (and it is just a theory, of course) can not possibly be true because it suggests that creatures changed and genetically mutated through Natural Selection over billions and billions of years. This simply can not be the case because the Bible says that every living creature that exists now was created in one day…with magic.
FUN FACT: Redneck comedian Ron White says, “You can’t fix stupid.” Rednecks who listen to Ron White answer, “So there’s no use in tryin’.”
Joe the Plumber–During the 2008 presidential campaign that brought America’s first foreign, Communist president, we were introduced to Sam Wurzelbacher who the public knew only as “Joe the Plumber.” Why not “Sam the Plumber?” Fuck you, that’s why. Joe was first seen speaking with Obama in a public forum about his tax plans for small businesses–and how it would affect him if he chose to open his own business. Obama calmly explained his plan, which Joe didn’t understand–and from then on, he became a talking point for the entire Republican Party which had (and continues to have) absolutely no interest in trying to understand President Hussein’s wacky plans for reform.
FUN FACT: Joe the Plumber became a foreign correspondent for FOX NEWS (seriously).
Kindergarten–For many people, especially on the Christian Right, life begins at conception and until we can overturn that pesky Roe VS Wade decision, we will remain in a dark and evil time where women have control over their own bodies. Every child that is not aborted or thrown in a trashcan by a teen who just wants to have a fun Prom is a personal victory for Republicans–but several years later, Kindergarten begins…and so begins another issue: What are those faggot teachers teaching our unaborted children? The Right believes that it is the Gay/Democrat agenda to demand tolerance from future generations by teaching Kindergarten kids about anal sex, condoms, and fist-fucking…and it’s terrifying.
FUN FACT: By the time you get the courage to take back your Country, every single man, woman, and child will have gone gay. Think about it.
Liberal Pussies—If you believe in science, have a moral objection to war, live in a major city, feel empathy and compassion towards others, and readily accept handouts from your government–chances are, you’re a Liberal Pussy. Although the more articulate candidates and pundits would never use this term, it is often substituted with words like “elitist, leftist, bozos, protesters” or simply “liberals.” After all, the Real America exists in either the states that came later/had no say in how this country was formed/lost the civil war.
FUN FACT: When Craig T. Nelson was broke, collecting Unemployment, and using Food Stamps, who was helping him out? Nobody.
Marriage—Typically the words that should always follow the word “Marriage” are “is between a man and a woman.” But not if the Left gets their way. It seems that anything that lives and breathes should be allowed to get married, and the slippery slope has no shallow abyss. If gays and lesbians can get married, why not animals and people? Plants and people? Inanimate Objects and people? Traditional Marriage has always been a staple of our society and is a commitment made under the perverse eyes of our Lord–between a man and a woman–for as long as they’re campaigning for re-election.
FUN FACT: It’s customary in this country to an oppressed group to gain the monumental achievement of Civil Rights and then turn right around and spit in the faces of another minority group. It’s the circle of life.
Nine/Eleven–Any kind of political indictment or opposition can be solved by mentioning these two numbers. It’s a mysterious silence spell that will confuse civilization for years to come. Whether the issue be torture, inappropriate airport security, immigration, national security, war crimes, etc…the Right needs only to utter these two (seemingly meaningless) but magical numbers and the problem is immediately shut down. For example: “Do you believe that your treatment of this innocent prisoner fell under the category of cruel and unusual punishment?”…”Well, Nine Eleven.”…The End.
FUN FACT: Former Mayor of New York City, Rudy Giuliani, received an honorary knighthood from the Queen of England for his bravery in uttering the numbers “Nine Eleven” more than six-billion times within the period of one year. Such a feat has never been attempted, even by the most powerful wizards of medieval England.
Oil—In order to keep our Energy Independence and take power away from the Terrorist Countries that we get our oil from, we must drill here and drill now. Naturally, if we use up all of our own natural resources, it will be easier to beg countries with more money and power to suckle at their financial tit. We have the capacity to gain more Black Gold from within our own soil; however, in many cases, laws protecting wildlife and forest land prevent us from extracting the delectable Texas Tea from those particular grounds. This is definitely an important issue because we absolutely refuse to invest money in any kind of alternative or renewable energy source (see Liberal Pussies).
FUN FACT: Endangered Species don’t even have cars!
Patriotism–Everyone who wishes to call themselves citizens of this country–or even real Americans–must unwaveringly put the U.S. first. The Right has a true hard-on for Patriotism, which is a noble ideology in theory, but in practice it becomes a little frightening. Every generation goes through a period where they are either ashamed to call themselves “American” or are disappointed in their country’s decisions. During the presidential administration(s) of George W. Bush, a law was passed called the “P.A.T.R.I.O.T. Act”–and while most of its contents were minor additions to the Government’s already-creepy powers, America was divided between the outraged and the flag-wavers (see Us VS Them).
FUN FACT: Patriotism became mandatory for a brief period in the early Twenty-First Century. Now, nobody gives a shit.
Quiet Racism–Perhaps one of the most finely-tuned skills of a Right-Winger is the ability to disguise obvious racism as legitimate disapproval. While your grandparents have a “Racist Pass,” elderly members of our government aren’t so fortunate. They must choke on their hatred while a kind-of black president verbally cock-slaps them into submission. African American leader of the Republican National Committee, Michael Steele probably lies awake at night with the knowledge that–not only is he the Blackest individual in the Republican Party, but sadly, also the Whitest.
FUN FACT: Even though most of the Republican Party object to Michael Steele’s influence, they can’t give up on him because he’s the darkest person they’ve got…and they couldn’t imagine coming off as racists.
Ronald Reagan–Next to Jesus Christ, Ronald Reagan is the most important person in the Republican Party. You would think that Abraham Lincoln, the first Republican President, would be a stronger role model, but…(see Quiet Racism) Reagan was a true Hollywood Actor, but he was always known for being just a regular guy; not like those elitist celebrity candidates like Republican Arnold Schwarzenegger (which Spell Checkdoes recognize, oddly). They say that Reagan never wanted to be president–he only wanted to “play” president–but his policy and legacy inspire boners to this day.
FUN FACT: Reagan’s policy was never to speak ill of a fellow Republican, so whenever current Republicans talk shit, they are required to place their obligatory photo of Ronald Reagan in a sealed envelope.
Sarah Palin–After Barack Obama won the 2008 presidential election, Democrats and Liberals thought that they could breathe a long sigh of relief and forget the terrible months in history that the other 49 States of America were aware of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin’s existence. Well, suck on it, because she’s back and probably trying to get into politics again. After Palin’s random and unpredictable resigning from the position of Governor of Alaska, she vowed that she could do more to inspire Americans by not being politically involved. This couldn’t be more true. Now that Palin isn’t a Governor anymore, it’s like she’s single and ready to mingle. Yes, she’s still married, but it’s not every day that a quirky MILF comes along and speaks such fluent retarded-baby-talk-politics that even the most developmentally disabled hillbillies can pretend to be intrigued.
FUN FACT: You can feel free to associate Sarah Palin with this.
Tea Baggers—Now referred to as “Tea Party Members” because of the obvious sexual implications of ‘tea-bagging,’ this term describes those who organized in large numbers with the aid of FOX News to almost-coherently protest Barack Obama’s presidency. Originally, they organized as “Birthers,” or, those who believed that Obama’s birth certificate was a fake and he was actually a radical foreign Muslim. Thank goodness they’ve come to their senses and are now attacking Obama only on his mission to bring America into the educational, scientific, and medical ballpark after being spectators for many years. In all fairness, many of the younger people manufacturing dissent for this cause are actually Democrats in favor of fucknuts candidate Lyndon LaRouche. These are the same people who called Bush and Cheney “Nazis” and are now doing the same to Obama.
FUN FACT: Lydon LaRouche will never (ever, ever, ever) be President and therefore, must do everything in his power to make illegitimate the presidencies of others.
Us VS Them–If you combine our foreign relations with our Nationalism and Xenophobia, you get the Right Wing “Us VS Them” mentality. After all, terrorists aren’t attacking us because of our political and religious motivations–it’s because they hate our freedom. The word “them” or “they” can not refer to individuals (men, women, children) because that would bring about sympathy in the American spirit. “Them” must therefore refer to “terrorists, insurgents, or enemy combatants.” It is this very specific tactical wordplay that keeps citizens in line and discourages them from going crazy and killing their left wing neighbors. Even those leftists hate America, they’re still not as bad as the invisible enemy.
FUN FACT: Conspiracy theorists also tend to use the “Us VS Them” method of rallying supporters, but they tend to be much less active, preferring mainly to read the ravings of fellow mad men on the Internet and attend AA meetings.
Virgins—Much like the sanctity of Marriage, the desire for youth to be sexually uneducated and preserve their bodies and souls for their one true love is a major necessity. If we refuse to teach our children about proper sexual conduct, they will–unfailingly–be less prone to engaging in sexual activity. As we all know, this is a myth of epic proportions, but it’s important to stand by myths and support them until it negatively effects your life personally.
FUN FACT: Some studies (don’t ask me which studies) suggest that chicks who are taught not to have vaginal intercourse until they’re married are more likely to perform oral or anal sex…and that’s all we really need anyway.
Wealthy White War–I couldn’t decide which one of these words to utilize for “W” but I figured they chain together fairly well. From the beginning of American history, War has been planned, instigated, and caused by Wealthy White Men. It may have been the farmers and poor gun-totin’ yokels who fought the War for Independence, but they sure as fuck didn’t blow the whistle. Make no mistake: war is often the only answer to problems that can not be solved diplomatically. If you and yours are directly threatened, there’s only one option left. To say that “war is never the answer” is shockingly naive, but doesn’t it feel nice? Even in the case of a noble American War, we typically wouldn’t enter into it unless there were some clear and direct benefit as seen through the eyes of the Wealthy and the White.
FUN FACT: From the Drug War to the Star War, everyone loves a good battle–but sometimes the enemy isn’t as clear and present as Hitler or Vader. In these cases, we can substitute a rational enemy with an irrational fear–like Terror.
Xenophobia—Fear of the world and the people outside of our own tightly knit communities has always been America’s alcoholic uncle–we’re not sure why we keep him around, but we’re so used to him that we’ll come to terms with the fact that he prevents any kind of peace-of-mind at the party. Despite the fact that America, like most of the Western World, exists only as a mixing bowl of cultures and races, we will always have an irrational fear of immigrants and outsiders. What happens when Mexicans take over all of the shit-scooping and dirt-digging jobs that hard-working Americans are begging for? What happens then? I’ll tell you what happens then: Communism.
FUN FACT: If we were really so xenophobic, we probably wouldn’t have let black slaves into our homes…with their rap music…
Yester-years—These were the fictitious good ol’ days of Leave it to Beaver, a happier time that only existed on Television and in the hearts and minds of psychotic conservatives everywhere. We are determined to package and sell a lifestyle that never truly existed in the first place–a better lifestyle when everyone’s parents stayed together, retarded kids were locked in closets, and if you were gay, you were just beaten to death in the schoolyard. Those were the days.
FUN FACT: Did you ever wonder what happened to the Brady Bunch couple’s previous marriages?
Zealotry—While this doesn’t necessarily have to be a negative thing, it very easily can become one. If you’re a fanatic over any particular person, character, or ideology you pack the potential to harm yourself and those around you. The Right maintains a Zealotry for God and America’s Forefathers. The danger exists due to the fantasy of the fanatic. You know how you used to think you were still in love with your Ex, but really you were only remembering what you wanted to remember about the whole horrible clusterfucked relationship? That’s how the Right feels about God and America’s Founding Members. They constantly invoke the word of the Lord and the imaginary Intentions of the Forefathers, bending the already pre-established beliefs and writings to suit their agendas at the time. You’re still thinking about your Ex, aren’t you?
FUN FACT: You’d be surprised how easy it is to fabricate ideas and statements made by either Fictional Characters, or persons in history that you refuse to actually read about.
It’s a fairly safe bet that if you’ve ever seen or heard of television, you’ve come across To Catch a Predator at some point. Unfortunately, I’ve willingly subjected myself to a Sunday Marathon and volunteered for the spectator sport of Predator-Nabbing.
After viewing an unarguably unhealthy amount of Dateline‘s hilariously repetitive “investigative journalism,” I’ve noticed quite a few interesting elements that I thought I’d share with all of you fine people.
To Catch a Predator: The 5-Step Plan
Step 1. Find a strong-willed girl over 18 to have non-stop cyber sex with creepers
Aside from the handful of occasions where the wide-eyed gentlemen had been trolling the internets for young boys, all of the scary middle-agers are after high school girls; which, as we learned from Dazed and Confused, stay the same age no matter how old you get.
Chris Hansen seems to always have a young woman put herself and her potentially weak stomach at risk having them pretend to be either a teen girl or boy and put on a virtual show. It seems odd that they would need an actual young woman to trick these near-retarded rednecks into a sex-sting…but maybe that’s just me reading too much into it.
The unforgivable individuals who are 30 and over truly have no excuse; but I’m watching Chris Hansen bust 20-year-olds who are expecting to hang out with a dirty-talking slutty 16 year old…something seems somewhat off about that.
Consider for a moment that if your parents are more than 3 or 4 years apart and met when she was still in High School…and this show existed…Daddy could very well have been in the hot seat.
Step 2. Don’t concentrate on sex appeal; go right for the McDonald’s
Chris Hansen knows that if there’s anything rednecks love more than degenerative sex, it’s fast food and sweet tea!
After an unprecedented marathon of frightened hillbillies, I noticed that a majority of them brought McDonald’s bags to the chick’s “house” and are greeted with either Sweet Tea or Cookies.
Step 3. Show those creepers and pederasts you’ve got a quick wit
The moment that Chris Hansen pops out and greets the potential offender is the most priceless several seconds television may ever offer…and he always has something clever to say.
“I guess I wasn’t the surprise you had in mind!”
I only wish NBC would take a lesson from Ashton Kutcher and have the men look into the camera at the end and say “I just got Predator’d!”
Step 4. Make sure you have a team of 20 cops to take the fucker down like he’s a 300 pound Grizzly
I fully understand that all precautions must be taken, and that any of these perverts could potentially be very dangerous; but when you see 30 cops slam a tubby computer nerd holding a Taco Bell bag onto the pavement, you almost feel bad for him.
I don’t want to sound like I’m defending the hypothetical sex that these individuals would have with a hypothetical underage girl, but their idiotic hypothetical crimes of passion don’t seem worthy of treating them as if they just broke out of prison and robbed a bank.
Look, dudes, you made a horrific mistake that you hopefully won’t be making again any time in the foreseeable future; but just for future reference, here’s some friendly advice…
…the only two ways you can get away with legally diddling kids are if you’re either a fundamentalist Muslim or if you’re Joseph, the father of Jesus, who left a life of being part of a royal bloodline just so he could bone a 13-year-old paranoid schizophrenic.
Step 5. Be Chris Hansen
All kidding aside, the only person who could get away with this kind of hilarious entrapment is Mr. Hansen himself. Police encourage you not to try to be a Predator-Catcher on your own time, unless you want to cover yourself in mud and hide in the jungle. Pedophiles can sense your body heat.
Maybe you should start emulating Joey Greco from Cheaters. At least then you don’t have to dig through the personal belongings of people who live in their fucking trucks.