Sinbad and the Mandela Effect

A term coined by paranormal consultant Fiona Broome, the Mandela Effect simply describes an event or series of events that a large group of people agree played out differently than they did in real life. It comes from the cognitive phenomenon that a large group of surveyed individuals believed that Nelson Mandela died in prison in the 1980’s and have no memory of him actually dying a free man in 2013.

The simple and rational explanation is that history and reality don’t always coincide with the way people remember things. And people are often wrong or misinformed. Memory doesn’t work the way it does in movies and TV, and can easily be manipulated by outside forces. This is why “eye-witness” testimony is some of the most unreliable data police have to go on, despite seeming like it should be cut and dry.

But that’s no fun. The more insane and fun explanation is that large portions of our population are actually walking through life like the cast of the show Sliders, inadvertently jumping through parallel dimensions. This would clearly explain why you and all of your friends remember Tom Cruise wearing Ray Ban sunglasses in his famous Risky Business dancing scene…despite him not wearing sunglasses in that scene at all. You passed from a dimension where that version of Risky Business existed…into one where an alternate take was used. Seems pretty arbitrary…but according to notable psychotic, Fiona Broome, this is our terrifying reality.

One of the most glaring examples of this group-think errors has been the popular Berenstain Bears phenomenon. Almost everyone who recalls the children’s book series and TV cartoon The Berenstain Bears recalls the spelling of the surname to be BerenSTEIN, and not the real-world spelling: BerenSTAIN. Evidently, we were all duped into thinking we were reading about and watching a fun-loving family of Jewish bears the whole time.

The most recent case of the strange and wonderful Mandela Effect is the case of a large portion of the Internet believing that used-to-be-actor Sinbad played a genie in the objectively awful 1996 film Kazaamdespite the fact that it was actually Shaquille O’Neal in Kazaam and Sinbad was busy making the classic 1996 Disney film, First Kid.

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Disney Pre-9/11 Video Vault: First Kid

31996 was a big cultural year for America. We hosted the Atlanta Summer Olympics, which was subsequently bombed by terrorists, killing one person and injuring over 100 more; the first three-parent baby was conceived through mitochondrial donation in New Jersey, of all places; The Ramones played their final show while Bob Dole was officially nominated for President by the Republican Party; the story of the Reagan CIA‘s role in crack cocaine importation to fund the Contras is published in the San Jose Mercury News; and a 3-year old boy fell into a 20-foot deep gorilla enclosure at the Brookfield Zoo in Chicago, ending with Binti Jua, a female lowland gorilla sitting with the boy until he was rescued…basically the opposite of Harambe.

But in the midst of all of this craziness in our country, Walt Disney and Buena Vista Pictures released a little Sinbad vehicle called First Kid.

Like most Disney family films around this time period, it starts off relatively safe in a boys-will-be-boys goof-off kinda way, turns needlessly melancholy, and then gets straight-up bonkers. So let’s begin.

1Sinbad plays Secret Service agent Sam Simms, a fat goofball who is essentially always a cunt-hair away from being fired. Why he’s qualified or continues to keep his job doing one of the most no-nonsense jobs in the country is beyond even him.

Brock Pierce plays the title character; First Kid, Luke Davenport, son of President Paul Davenport, and all-around little piece of shit teenager.

3.jpgThe movie starts out with Luke treating everyone around him, especially his personal Secret Service Agent, Agent Woods, like utter garbage. Woods is kind of a dickhead, but he doesn’t seem to deserve Luke’s bullshit. Eventually, Luke pisses Woods off so thoroughly that the Secret Service Agent grips him up, and is promptly fired…and replaced by, you guessed it, fucking Sinbad.

But don’t sleep on Agent Woods, because he’s not out of the picture just yet.

After seeing Luke get his ass handed to him by that punk bitch Zachary Ty Bryan from Home ImprovementSinbad decides that it’s now his duty to not only teach Luke how to fight, but to help him get laid. Again, Luke is a young adult teenage boy.

Sinbad proceeds to risk his entire career, freedom and reputation, go against Luke’s parents (the President and First Lady, remember), and technically kidnap the First Kid to help him score with some school crush.

1You see, Luke can’t relate to any other kids because he’s constantly under protection and surveillance as the First Kid. He eats lunch alone, and gets bullied by Zachary fucking Ty fucking Bryan from Home Improvement. And even though Luke is a dick to Zachary Ty Bryan as well, we’re supposed to feel bad for him because he cries about not having any friends or family time.

The only time Luke gets to talk to anyone freely, it’s either Sinbad–a grown ass man–or, his mysterious anonymous online-pal “Mongoose12.” Not creepy at all.

Luke and Mongoose12 really “get” each other and chat almost every day. Remember, this is in the mid-90’s, a time where the Internet was new, and we were very naive about child predators using clever pick-up lines like “ASL?

After Luke defeats Zachary Ty Bryan (who we think is the villain of the film), the Secret Service bursts into the school dance and Sinbad is fired and forbidden from speaking to the First Kid ever again. Remember, this is in the mid-90’s when a Secret Service Agent putting a child’s life in danger is met with a slap on the wrist, apparently.

So, while Luke is under “White House arrest” with a homing device attached to him, his bestest online pal, Mongoose12 starts offering him advice on how to escape from the White House and meet up at a local shopping mall…as normal kids do.

But what happens when Luke follows through with this fool-proof plan?

1.gifIt turns out that cool-kid Mongoose12 was none other than Agent WOODS, the disgruntled Secret Service Agent from the beginning of the movie! And he’s gone over the edge. Woods kidnaps Luke, and now the President has to figure out a way to get him back!

Who should he turn to? The police? The FBI? The numerous other Secret Service Agents who aren’t incompetent or homicidal? Fuck no, call up Sinbad! He can’t possibly screw up again!

Oh, and boy oh boy did things get worse because of it. Agent Woods was planning on returning the boy to his parents and taking credit as the hero. But when Sinbad showed up and Woods got found out, he decided he was just going to murder Luke.

Agent Woods tries to shoot Luke but Sinbad takes the bullet. Don’t worry, he lives, and Woods is taken to justice.

In the end, Sinbad is regarded as a hero and given the option to guard to the President (for some reason, based on one act of heroism)…which he declines so he can keep fucking Luke’s biology teacher; a subplot that no one could have predicted.

Then Luke hits a street hockey puck into Sinbad’s stupid face, and that’s how the movie ends.

If you thought that final hostage scene came out of fucking nowhere, you weren’t the only one. Apparently, 1 and a half minutes of the film were cut from its British Home Video release because the scene was deemed too graphic for a PG-audience.

Yikes.

This movie is so bad-ass that it almost became Disney’s first PG-13 movie. Well, technically, The Black Cauldron came the closest…but who gives a fuck?

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You’re Fired? Who Gives a Shit?

Correct me if I’m wrong, but hasn’t the American public essentially already “fired” every single cast member of 2010’s Celebrity Apprentice? Every single person in the board room (arguably including Donald Trump, himself) has been rejected by society, Hollywood, the Media, etc. in a manner of speaking.

What does that mean for this year’s Celebrity Apprentice? It will without a doubt be the best fucking season ever. When the contestants have no money, influence, or dignity left to lose, anything goes! So let’s take a look at this year’s cast…in no particular order.

Daaaarryl, Daaaaarryl, Daaaaarryl...

Darryl Strawberry–Darryl’s had a hard life; a successful career, but several battles with cancer. But he is nothing if not resilient! Strawberry is king of the bounce-back. He bounced back from cancer, bounced back from soliciting sex from a police woman, bounced back from drugs and multiple divorces…but once you hit rock bottom, bouncing back becomes infinitely more difficult. What’s rock bottom, you ask? Being thrown under the bus by a bunch of D-List actors will do.

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This asshole looks like the poster for STEP BROTHERS

Rod Blagojevich–He’s as charming and sincere as his hair cut, but this Chicago politician may not be very threatening to the other contestants. Maybe he’d strike more fear into the hearts of his opponents if he used his real name: Milorad Blagojevic. He’s got balls like grapefruits, and that’s…admirable? I guess? He should get Trump to change his catchphrase to the more succinct: “Fire all those fucking people, get ’em the fuck out of there!” Better ratings. I’m sold already.

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Fuck it, she's still doable.

Cyndi Lauper–Possibly the most harmless and inconsequential contestant. She broke down in the first fucking episode. It was difficult for Cyndi to admit that she was the only straight person out of all of her friends, but she overcame that obstacle. It’s tough being the only person out of everyone you care about to not be a socially and politically disregarded. Poor Cyndi. She’s either the sweetest person in the world, or mildly retarded. Either way: essential for the entertainment of the show.

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She's kinda the hip, annoying mom version of Sarah Palin

Sharon Osbourne–As the mostly plastic, almost-as-famous, sidekick to Ozzy Osbourne, she has made a career out of being loud, irrational, irritating, and all-around cunty. If she were your girlfriend, all of your friends would hate her, but since she’s on The Apprentice, it all works out. Like Darryl Strawberry, she also survived colon cancer, which makes her strong and determined. Safe bet FTW.

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No cowboy hats in heavy metal unless you're Ted fucking Nugent.

Bret Michaels–Remember that guy from VH1’s Rock of Love? The media couldn’t turn this redneck heavy metal icon into a giant pussy, they wouldn’t have done their job. Bret’s getting old, and any aging rockstar is going to start getting less and less bad-ass, but you can’t get knocked out by an onstage backdrop and cry on television and still be the lead singer of a band that angsty teens still idolize on ironic t-shirts they bought at Hot Topic. It doesn’t work!

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Holy shit--is there anything higher than a 10?

Holly Robinson Peete–I have to cheer for Holly. She’s a Philly chick, her dad was Gordon on fucking Sesame Street, she was on 21 Jump Street, and Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper! This sexy black mamba has got it all–well, everything except money, I’d imagine…otherwise she probably wouldn’t be lowering herself to a reality show where a businessman who has failed on multiple occasions derides forgettable celebrities for not flipping burgers fast enough.

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You have to be a lesbian to be a funny female comedian. It's the masculinity.

Carol Leifer–Laughter may be the best medicine, but it couldn’t keep this comedienne from being eliminated in the first fucking episode. I can’t blame her though–being a Jewish Lesbian Vegan should’ve put her out of the running before the show started. Unfair handicap.

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As long as he doesn't go Chris Benoit on his house-mates.

Bill Goldberg–Amongst his incredible accomplishments is having the longest undefeated streak in Pro-Wrestling history, which, in all honesty, is on par with having the longest undefeated streak being Michael Cera and playing yourself in movies. Wrestling’s fake, guys. Get used to it. Sure, it takes a degree of athletic ability, but if the outcome is predetermined, it’s not a sport–it’s just staring at muscle-men in their underwear and trying not to get a boner.

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I take it back, I hope she wins.

Maria Kanellis–If anyone knows the INs and OUTs of big business, it’s a supermodel. Naturally, you have to have some young and attractive people on the show, or nobody would watch–but if anyone actually expects this living fantasy to win, you’re probably just as devoid of any semblance of rational thought. Ever wonder how guys can pass tests or function in the real world when they’re always thinking with their dicks?

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Cooking oil made from recycled panties.

Curtis Stone–If you have eye candy for dudes, you have to balance it out with some sexy Australian man-meat for the ladies. Not only is he a portrait of masculinity and sex appeal, he’s a world-famous chef. Never heard of him? That’s because he’s fucking your girlfriend right now.

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Figure THIS Out!

Summer Sanders–If she didn’t make your penis feel funny when you were a kid, you probably didn’t have cable. She is a gold medal-winning Olympic swimmer and the first female host of a Nickelodeon game show: Figure it Out. She’s a sports chick, so that should tighten your trousers, too–but the only thing I care about is her presence during Nickelodeon’s glory days.

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I honestly don't understand how the Women's Team loses.

Selita Ebanks–Add another check to the list of sexy models who fail in their attempts to do anything outside of modeling. She’s gorgeous, she’s young, she’s fucking Caymanian (which is a term you don’t hear too often)–so what’s she doing on The Apprentice? Fuck if I know, but I’m watching!

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Best. Picture. Ever.

Michael Johnson–Why can’t a brother be The Apprentice? He’s an accomplished Olympic athlete and motivational speaker. Should give him a leg-up against the competition. His Wikipedia page has no mention of him being a part of this show, so I’m thinking he just happened to be in the area the day the producers realized: “Oh shit! We need at least 2 black guys. One black guy looks like you’re just making quota, but 2 legitimately seems like we’re not being racially biased.”

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That shirt is just made of crazy.

Sinbad–Oh, shit! How could I forget Sinbad? I’d imagine the same way the rest of the world has. Does Sinbad count as a third black guy? I’m going to assume he doesn’t. If Sinbad wins Celebrity Apprentice, I want to have a parade. I have a suspicion that he will lie, cheat, and work his ass off to win this. I mean, what else does Sinbad have?

AlexG/

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