How To Dig Your Own Grave in 5 Easy Steps!

1. Ignore All Instructions Despite the Constant Glaring signs!

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The first thing to remember when constructing a quality grave is to forget everything you thought you knew about graves. Your behavior in recent years makes you more than qualified to dig a fantastic grave; and don’t let anyone tell you any different. So what if you’ve decided every human being that disagrees with you is “fringe” and “racist”? Racist? What does that even have to do with digging a grave? In fact, only a racist would try to stop you from digging a grave. Only a true racist would beg and plead for you to stop your regressive bullying, and backward interpretations of reality.

Oh, shit. Those crowds showing up at alternate rallies and filling message boards seem to be getting pretty big. But, hey, that’s what happens when you marginalize over half the population. Fuck ’em, though. Let them dig their own grave.

2. Create Your Own Instructions. It’s More Fun That Way!

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Most people will tell you that you need a shovel, a plot of land, and some good old fashioned grit to dig your own grave. But those people are retards. What you really need is an army of like-minded individuals who can’t function on their own in the real world to tell you that digging your own grave is someone else’s job. You’re a college student, a celebrity, a YouTube sensation, or just someone with more money than sense, and you won’t be made to do the ditch digging of some common Mexican.

We’re all proud of you. You’re special, unique, capable, brilliant, and you can do anything!

Actually, you’re not. And you can’t. But you told yourself you could, and that’s half the battle. So tell those College Professors, parents, scientists, and individuals who have literally spent the crux of their entire lives focused on solving problems that you know better! Better yet–call them all racist, Islamophobic, misogynistic, agist, homophobic, transphobic white privilege fuckboys just for insinuating that you may not know what you’re doing. You’ll find that there is no better way to dig your own grave.

3. Wheel Out People You Look Up to For Positive Feedback!

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This goes along-side of step two, so technically, you could do both at once. But don’t strain yourself. Digging your own grave is really hard, and you don’t want it to feel like “adulting.” This may be a good time for you to take a break. Grab a pumpkin spice latte and an abstract coloring book if you like; because now it’s time to enlist help from other people. Believe it or not, you’re not the only one simultaneously trying to dig their own grave. There are literal fuck-tons of people who should have much better things to do than dig their own graves who are ready and willing to help you.

Honestly, these aren’t just like-minded people. These are people who are willing to sacrifice anything…including their multi-million dollar acting deals, credibility as journalists, or even their sense of basic self-respect just to help you dig your own grave!

HOT TIP: Maybe next time, we’ll look into just building our own mass grave. That may be easier than millions of single-use graves. But let’s leave that for another day.

4. Act Like Your Job is Complete and Celebrate a Grave Well Dug!

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At this point, you’ve realized that you’ve ignored all the rules, made up new ones, dismissed those who know more than you do about nearly every possible topic imaginable, and confidently exerted yourself as well-informed despite having done absolutely fucking nothing. Congratulations! You just dug your own grave!

But hold on, you crazy kid, you! Not so fast. Why just jump right in? You’ve got the rest of eternity to rest your laurels in a shallow pit of your own making. This is the time to bask in your moral and virtuous superiority. Not only did you finally complete an actual physical task, but you also stuck it to all those “ignorant bigots” who make up that “fringe” majority of the country. No one’s going to ruin this moment for you. Pump up the Rae Sremmurd and celebrate.

5. Climb into Your Freshly Dug Grave and Sob Like a Bitch. Then, Repeat From Step 1!

Now that you’re all done celebrating and all of the excitement has worn off, it’s time to come back to reality and realize what you’ve done.

You’ve ignored a majority of the world around you, focusing only inward; turning yourself into a self-important virtue-signaling bully. You’ve devolved an inherent desire to treat everyone as equals into what is essentially social Darwinism, and a morbidly self-flagellating form of political correctness.

You’ve spent all of your time seeking out those who agree with you and champion your backward and regressive philosophies to the point of ostentatious self-delusion.

And now you have no choice. You can breathe, you can blink, you can cry…hell, you’re all gonna be doing that. You can look around and try a last ditch effort at rationalization. But we all know you won’t learn a lesson, because you’re too good for lessons.

All your celebrity friends have retreated to their cocoons and you now have nothing left to cling onto, though you’ll desperately try.

But look on the bright side, my precious snowflakes: you finally dug your own grave.

Now lie in it.

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The Day America Elected a Frog

1Let’s get one thing straight. Most of America doesn’t vote; so before you gloat about “America wanted Trump” or “It appears Clinton won the popular vote, so clearly America wanted Clinton,” understand the the vast majority of the country didn’t give a fuck about either candidate; or at least not enough to push a button.

Since the beginning of this election cycle–all the way back to the primaries, the media, pollsters, experts, and dipshit comedians made one thing perfectly clear: Donald Trump did not stand a chance. But there was something else going on that they didn’t quite grasp:

Most people don’t really like being seen as villains.

It began with the Tea Party, a diverse nationalist group mainly focused on decreasing the power of the Federal Government, and against amnesty for illegal immigrants. They were called racists. Then we expand the scope to gun violence and the evolution of Black Lives Matter from a law enforcement watchdog group into a terrorist organization. But if you spoke against BLM, you were called racist. Then we expand further to Islamic extremism, the failure of European governments to get a handle on terrorism and corrosive Islamic culture within their borders, and those who had a problem with it were called racist.

But the Social Justice movement had their own frustration against the big government cronies. They formed Occupy Wall Street and attempted to stand up for “the 99%”, a portion of the country they felt were not given preferential treatment over the elite and wealthy donors, lobbyists and powers that influence practically every move in government, no matter what party is in power.These protest groups slowly dismantled and became dysfunctional versions of themselves; largely due to public perception of their behavior (along with their actual objectionable behavior).

Any legitimate concerns about violent protests, riots, terrorism, murders and collegiate safe-space culture were immediately shut down as racistsexisttransphobichomophobic or islamophobic by the youth culture and their pearl-clutching “cool” professors.

Then the introversion began. People became increasingly apprehensive about voicing their disapproval, so they did so anonymously…via social media, or by living vicariously through outspoken provocateurs like Milo Yiannopoulos or satirical troll-havens like 4chan or Reddit. And it was in this cavern of anonymity that people chose Pepe the Frog as a symbol of their dissatisfaction.

While the typical election bullshit reached a fever pitch, the media assured the fainting-couch left that there was no possible way “New-Hitler Donald Trump” could possibly win. They asked millions of Americans through countless polls and the vast majority agreed. Donald Trump was a metaphysical impossibility.

But the cult of Pepe hadn’t been polled. They weren’t “likely voters.” The disenfranchised never are.

So when the time came to vote for a woman president, those who opposed her were called sexist. They didn’t like her political cronyism and they didn’t like the new Ghostbusters movie. They were the pariahs, living in the shadows, being shouted down by their peers, and being laughed off by the media.

They decided “fuck em. I’m going to vote Pepe.” And by this point, Pepe was solidified as Donald Trump. It could have been anyone. Any outsider who rose to national intrigue based on flippant behavior and complete disregard for the media’s non-stop belittlement. Make no mistake. This vote was not for Donald Trump, though many do sympathize with his political ideals. This was a vote for “fuck you.”

1This election wasn’t just a mirror of Britain’s Brexit vote…where the silent majority spoke out against what they perceived as a cultural holocaust…and agreed to turn their backs on the people who have been calling them bigots for the better part of a decade.

This election was punk. This election was hip hop. This election was the blowback of a culture war started long ago. The delusional moral superiority of the millennial culture created a volatile space that alienated the voices of reason, backed them into corners, and silenced them into sociological persecution–or at least the threat of it.

Many of those individuals chose not to cower in corners but to attempt to carefully fight back…swinging wildly, but with open-hands. All of their voices falling on deaf ears.

The rest waited, dormant, stoic. Waiting for the day when they could voice their frustration, not with a Facebook post that will get them suspended, or a Tweet that will get posted on Gawker with the caption “Check out THIS fucking idiot!” Principled, non-voting anarchistic and frustrated former-voters came out in droves. And while the actual voter turnout numbers were still relatively much lower than the media expected, they came out to push that button for Pepe the Frog. The anomaly. And Pepe won.

trollI’ve written several articles on this site about the swell of fear around a Trump presidency, the brazen corruption and seemingly unsinkability of the fascistic left, the rise of Pepe the Frog as a symbol of “hate”, some prude blogger cunt’s inability to fuck because of Trump, and more. And everyone dismissed the idea of Trump being a fuck of a lot closer to the White House than anyone was prepared to admit. And though I never boasted confidence in his eventual victory, I welcomed it with open arms.

So if you’re worried, shivering, sweating, protesting, still calling people sexist and racist for finally standing up to you and your cunty drivel–get a grip, grow some fucking balls, and figure out how you’re going to get through your miserable days knowing that all your hypocritical regressive bullshit just got your salty asses thrown the fuck out. So now you have to deal with it. Now you have to accept the repercussions of your incessant white knight cancerous fucking narrative. You asked for this. The grave is yours to fill.
Chickens, meet Roost.

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This is Why We Can’t Have ‘Stranger’ Things

2There’s been a lot of speculation about the hit Netflix series Stranger Things, due to its supernatural elements and all of the undisclosed “secrets” of the Upside-Down, the Monster, and Jane “Eleven” Ives. But there’s one thing we know for absolute certain. The two-headed embodiment of satanic deception, the Demogorgon, is you.

If you haven’t watched Stranger Things yet, I feel sorry for you, but I won’t spoil anything. The basic premise of the show is that a group of misfit Dungeons & Dragons-playing kids stumble upon a dark secret in 1980’s Indiana: a monster from another dimension. When one of their friends goes missing, they enlist the help of a mysterious girl with psychokinetic powers to help find him again.

4Stranger Things quickly became the third highest rated original series on Netflix, behind Fuller House and Orange is the New Black. But I’d have to think a majority of those viewers were attracted simply by word-of-mouth, which makes it that much more impressive.

Yes, fans of the show are a vocal bunch. So vocal, at times, that it begins to corrode the pure unadulterated enjoyment of the series–which is admittedly fantastic.

And thus, we return to our original premise; and explain how you are the monster. Well, not you, personally, dear reader, but presumably someone you know. Someone with an ego large enough to compensate the idea that all media was made with his tastes in mind, and all media must fit his cultural narrative. The “you” in this context, the target audience of the show–people between the ages of 18 and 40–are the millennial babies who will either find something “problematic” with every form of art and media…or praise a work of art for reasons so disconnected from the intended message that it’s embarrassing to communicate with you on a human level.

We’ll take one such case study of Stranger Things from pseudo-journalist Daniel Reynolds of ADVOCATE.com, which I can only assume is a site where writers advocate other writers to spew out targeted pearl-clutching or virtue-signaling drivel about the LGBT community, who they claim to represent.

Reynolds asserts–not hypothesizes–that every protagonist in the series is inherently queer because they’re all outsiders in some way. Ranging from the not-so-subtle bullying of characters and calling them “queer”…to the Guinness Record holding reach of saying the fat kid represents GAYS because he has a lisp. Not only is this a psychotic thing to insinuate, but it’s also pretty offensive to gay people who don’t feel the need to speak and act like Puerto Rican hairdressers.

6Here’s how we know Reynolds has no legs to stand on: this is a sci-fi show about middle-American kids in the 80’s. Kids are called “gay” and “faggot” and “fairy” all the time for reasons that range from liking girly things, to being artistic, to not liking sports, to simply being quiet. Kids are cruel; but if the bullied youngsters were really standing up for the homosexual community in this series, when their missing friend is called a “gay fairy” you’d think they’d go “so what?” and shrug it off. Instead they get mad and fight back. Because it’s taken as an insult. These are children in a sci-fi/fantasy show. They have monsters to fight, they don’t have time for your worthless agenda.

Reynolds makes it very clear in his article that he believes Eleven is queer, all the kids are queer, the photographer kid who gets his camera broken is a big queer, and everyone in the tiny town of Bumblefuck, Indiana are probably queer, too. Not only does this represent such a skewed view of reality, but it’s a way of seeing the world that borderlines on psychosis. It makes me truly wonder if he’s actually getting his opinions from the next door neighbor’s talking dog.

He even says that the unsung hero, Barb–false, stop saying Barb is awesome. She stinks–gets dragged into the Upside-Down as a metaphor for her being trapped in the closet…like R. Kelly? He wraps the entire article up with a little jab, saying that if you want to see the reality of this perceived homophobia, watch the Republican debate. This article was written in July, so I can only assume he was talking about the Republican National Convention, in which both politicians and audiences cheered for the success and safety of the LGBT community…so I have no idea what the fuck he’s referencing.

5This is also coming from the same person who wrote an article on actor Matt Bomer, a gay man who is playing a transgender woman in an upcoming film, a gay man who played a straight man on American Horror Story, a gay man who said that sexuality of the actor shouldn’t matter to a role. This writer called Matt Bomer out for doing “transface.” Whatever the fuck that means! Clear lunatic.

The fact that Stranger Things has done so well in a world we’re constantly told is homophobic, racist and misogynistic speaks volumes against the validity of those claims. When America can sit down, regardless of beliefs or politics, and enjoy a show about a diverse group of geeky friends getting saved by a female hero who kicks the asses of both bullies and monsters, we know we’re in pretty good shape.

But there is a two-faced hell-beast out there ruining the fun for everyone, putting on the disguise of a fanboy while actively trying to divide, destroy and conquer. There is a Demogorgon. And it’s you.

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