The SuperDPS Guide to the Right

There’s a political schism in this country that has been exported throughout the Western World through religion and an imaginary system of values which should never be part of global or national policy to begin with.

It seems only right that someone attempt to explain the points of view commonly associated with the Republican Party in a manner as backward and convoluted as humanly possible.

The Grand Old Party is actually a Surprise Party...for Jesus.
The Grand Old Party is actually a Surprise Party...for Jesus!

Be sure to keep in mind that not everyone who calls themselves a “Republican” actually holds these same beliefs. The party is full of individuals with individual thoughts and ideals–who were all created in the image of God to make sure their children aren’t converted to faggotry.

Axis of EvilIf there really is evil in the world, and I mean “true evil” not like the Liberal Jew-run Media…evil evil…then it would be these guys. After 9/11 (see Nine/Eleven) everyone who wouldn’t help us out was a traitor and part of Satan’s army of darkness (see Us VS Them…and also, see Army of Darkness…cool movie). Anywho, the Axis of Evil originally included Iran, Iraq, and North Korea, but then walking-muppet John Bolton added Libya, Cuba, and Syria just for fun. Basically, any repressive country that had any history of being mean to us got the label.

FUN FACT: America is in the Axis of Awesome.

Big Business–The Grand Ol’ Party, and the right in general, has largely been associated with Corporate America. Although the government as a whole is connected with Big Business and banking, this is the side of the rich fat cats looking down from their ivory towers. Tax cuts for the wealthy have been a recent staple of right-wing administrations, but for the sake of argument, let’s just say that your lives are essentially worthless.

FUN FACT: The Monopoly guy will be in prison for the next 10-15 years…or until someone rolls doubles.

ChristianityEvery several hundred years, God decides to support not only a particular nation, but a particular party within a government. Luckily, this time God thought it was the Republicans’ turn at the wheel. It is the sworn duty of the Right to protect the Christian faith, because Jesus needs an army…and to make sure that everyone knows that Muslims are wrong. They must be, because they’re in the Axis of Evil…but not Saudi Arabia–blessings and peace be upon them.

FUN FACT: The Jews used to be God’s chosen people, but Jesus said they could run the Media instead.

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell–Because America’s Army is God’s Army and God hates fags, our military has a very strict no-homo policy (just like Lil’ Wayne). If the Army finds out you’re gay, then you’re out. It’s that simple; no matter how valuable you may be to the Army, you’re gone. President Obama is currently attempting to repeal ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,’ but many on the Right are opposed to it because God hates fags and Obama’s a fag.

FUN FACT: The most difficult thing about being part of the Right Wing is the effort that goes into disguising your brazen hatred as legitimate policy.

Elephant–In 1874, political cartoonist Thomas Nast represented the Republican party with an Elephant and the Democratic party with an Ass. Normally, Republicans try to use the Eagle as their representation as to associate themselves with freedom and patriotism rather than behemoth pachyderms of destruction. The term “Elephant in the Room” is used to describe a prevalent issue that people are too stubborn and self-conscious to talk about–so it could be associated with any rebuttal of a Republican talking point.

FUN FACT: Like Elephants, Republicans never forget–unless they specifically asked to remember…

FOX NewsA conservative-based cable news channel which has recently become known as one of the most trusted media sources in the United States. This fact alone should clue you in that the Right is consistent and thorough in their journalism and reporting. The slogan of FOX News is “We Report, You Decide” while their tag-line is “Fair and Balanced.” For those of you who don’t watch FOX on some moral or ethical grounds, you should know that they are about as Fair and Balanced as possible; they go out of their way to balanced accurate news stories with unadulterated wild speculation.

FUN FACT: When you stare into the burning blue-gray eyes of FOX’s Glenn Beck, you can see the human race, in its entirety, burning in the unstoppable flames of apocalypse.

Guns–The Second Amendment, generally referred to by gun-owners as “America’s First Freedom” (because they don’t recognize the First Amendment as a legitimate freedom), allows for the nation’s populous to arm themselves for protection from a hypothetical tyrannical government. When Barack Hussein Obama (don’t you hate having a president whose name doesn’t pass Spell Check?) declared the Right to be a bunch of frightened individuals clinging to their guns and their Bibles, those “Real” Americans were outraged–and rightly so! When you get all of your facts from a book that starts off with a talking snake, it’s understandably difficult to connect to the truth.

FUN FACT: It is common knowledge that guns don’t kill people; people kill people–but the gun sure does raise those odds! *High Five!*

Hannity, Sean–The reason Hannity gets his own slot outside of FOX NEWS is because he is a special case. Sean Hannity used to host a FOX debate show with Alan “P-Diddy” Colmes (a squirrely little liberal with the frame of an exhumed corpse) until the plug was pulled because even a quiet, unobtrusive liberal was too-much-liberal for FOX. Hannity claims that America is, “the greatest, best country God has every given man on the face of the Earth,” and he’s absolutely right. God made America a plentiful, beautiful, second Garden of Eden–and then the Europeans raped and pillaged their way to total domination.

FUN FACT: America is the greatest, best country Allah has ever created just to spite the Middle East.

Intelligent Design–A loud minority from the right seems to believe that for the history of human scientific discovery, we’ve been dead-fucking-wrong about everything. You see–and stay with me here–the Theory of Evolution (and it is just a theory, of course) can not possibly be true because it suggests that creatures changed and genetically mutated through Natural Selection over billions and billions of years. This simply can not be the case because the Bible says that every living creature that exists now was created in one day…with magic.

FUN FACT: Redneck comedian Ron White says, “You can’t fix stupid.” Rednecks who listen to Ron White answer, “So there’s no use in tryin’.”

Joe the Plumber–During the 2008 presidential campaign that brought America’s first foreign, Communist president, we were introduced to Sam Wurzelbacher who the public knew only as “Joe the Plumber.” Why not “Sam the Plumber?” Fuck you, that’s why. Joe was first seen speaking with Obama in a public forum about his tax plans for small businesses–and how it would affect him if he chose to open his own business. Obama calmly explained his plan, which Joe didn’t understand–and from then on, he became a talking point for the entire Republican Party which had (and continues to have) absolutely no interest in trying to understand President Hussein’s wacky plans for reform.

FUN FACT: Joe the Plumber became a foreign correspondent for FOX NEWS (seriously).

Kindergarten–For many people, especially on the Christian Right, life begins at conception and until we can overturn that pesky Roe VS Wade decision, we will remain in a dark and evil time where women have control over their own bodies. Every child that is not aborted or thrown in a trashcan by a teen who just wants to have a fun Prom is a personal victory for Republicans–but several years later, Kindergarten begins…and so begins another issue: What are those faggot teachers teaching our unaborted children? The Right believes that it is the Gay/Democrat agenda to demand tolerance from future generations by teaching Kindergarten kids about anal sex, condoms, and fist-fucking…and it’s terrifying.

FUN FACT: By the time you get the courage to take back your Country, every single man, woman, and child will have gone gay. Think about it.

Liberal PussiesIf you believe in science, have a moral objection to war, live in a major city, feel empathy and compassion towards others, and readily accept handouts from your government–chances are, you’re a Liberal Pussy. Although the more articulate candidates and pundits would never use this term, it is often substituted with words like “elitist, leftist, bozos, protesters” or simply “liberals.” After all, the Real America exists in either the states that came later/had no say in how this country was formed/lost the civil war.

FUN FACT: When Craig T. Nelson was broke, collecting Unemployment, and using Food Stamps, who was helping him out? Nobody.

MarriageTypically the words that should always follow the word “Marriage” are “is between a man and a woman.” But not if the Left gets their way. It seems that anything that lives and breathes should be allowed to get married, and the slippery slope has no shallow abyss. If gays and lesbians can get married, why not animals and people? Plants and people? Inanimate Objects and people? Traditional Marriage has always been a staple of our society and is a commitment made under the perverse eyes of our Lord–between a man and a woman–for as long as they’re campaigning for re-election.

FUN FACT: It’s customary in this country to an oppressed group to gain the monumental achievement of Civil Rights and then turn right around and spit in the faces of another minority group. It’s the circle of life.

Nine/Eleven–Any kind of political indictment or opposition can be solved by mentioning these two numbers. It’s a mysterious silence spell that will confuse civilization for years to come. Whether the issue be torture, inappropriate airport security, immigration, national security, war crimes, etc…the Right needs only to utter these two (seemingly meaningless) but magical numbers and the problem is immediately shut down. For example: “Do you believe that your treatment of this innocent prisoner fell under the category of cruel and unusual punishment?”…”Well, Nine Eleven.”…The End.

FUN FACT: Former Mayor of New York City, Rudy Giuliani, received an honorary knighthood from the Queen of England for his bravery in uttering the numbers “Nine Eleven” more than six-billion times within the period of one year. Such a feat has never been attempted, even by the most powerful wizards of medieval England.

OilIn order to keep our Energy Independence and take power away from the Terrorist Countries that we get our oil from, we must drill here and drill now. Naturally, if we use up all of our own natural resources, it will be easier to beg countries with more money and power to suckle at their financial tit. We have the capacity to gain more Black Gold from within our own soil; however, in many cases, laws protecting wildlife and forest land prevent us from extracting the delectable Texas Tea from those particular grounds. This is definitely an important issue because we absolutely refuse to invest money in any kind of alternative or renewable energy source (see Liberal Pussies).

FUN FACT: Endangered Species don’t even have cars!

Patriotism–Everyone who wishes to call themselves citizens of this country–or even real Americans–must unwaveringly put the U.S. first. The Right has a true hard-on for Patriotism, which is a noble ideology in theory, but in practice it becomes a little frightening. Every generation goes through a period where they are either ashamed to call themselves “American” or are disappointed in their country’s decisions. During the presidential administration(s) of George W. Bush, a law was passed called the “P.A.T.R.I.O.T. Act”–and while most of its contents were minor additions to the Government’s already-creepy powers, America was divided between the outraged and the flag-wavers (see Us VS Them).

FUN FACT: Patriotism became mandatory for a brief period in the early Twenty-First Century. Now, nobody gives a shit.

Quiet Racism–Perhaps one of the most finely-tuned skills of a Right-Winger is the ability to disguise obvious racism as legitimate disapproval. While your grandparents have a “Racist Pass,” elderly members of our government aren’t so fortunate. They must choke on their hatred while a kind-of black president verbally cock-slaps them into submission. African American leader of the Republican National Committee, Michael Steele probably lies awake at night with the knowledge that–not only is he the Blackest individual in the Republican Party, but sadly, also the Whitest.

FUN FACT: Even though most of the Republican Party object to Michael Steele’s influence, they can’t give up on him because he’s the darkest person they’ve got…and they couldn’t imagine coming off as racists.

Ronald Reagan–Next to Jesus Christ, Ronald Reagan is the most important person in the Republican Party. You would think that Abraham Lincoln, the first Republican President, would be a stronger role model, but…(see Quiet Racism) Reagan was a true Hollywood Actor, but he was always known for being just a regular guy; not like those elitist celebrity candidates like Republican Arnold Schwarzenegger (which Spell Check does recognize, oddly). They say that Reagan never wanted to be president–he only wanted to “play” president–but his policy and legacy inspire boners to this day.

FUN FACT: Reagan’s policy was never to speak ill of a fellow Republican, so whenever current Republicans talk shit, they are required to place their obligatory photo of Ronald Reagan in a sealed envelope.

Sarah Palin–After Barack Obama won the 2008 presidential election, Democrats and Liberals thought that they could breathe a long sigh of relief and forget the terrible months in history that the other 49 States of America were aware of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin’s existence. Well, suck on it, because she’s back and probably trying to get into politics again. After Palin’s random and unpredictable resigning from the position of Governor of Alaska, she vowed that she could do more to inspire Americans by not being politically involved. This couldn’t be more true. Now that Palin isn’t a Governor anymore, it’s like she’s single and ready to mingle. Yes, she’s still married, but it’s not every day that a quirky MILF comes along and speaks such fluent retarded-baby-talk-politics that even the most developmentally disabled hillbillies can pretend to be intrigued.

FUN FACT: You can feel free to associate Sarah Palin with this.

Tea BaggersNow referred to as “Tea Party Members” because of the obvious sexual implications of ‘tea-bagging,’ this term describes those who organized in large numbers with the aid of FOX News to almost-coherently protest Barack Obama’s presidency. Originally, they organized as “Birthers,” or, those who believed that Obama’s birth certificate was a fake and he was actually a radical foreign Muslim. Thank goodness they’ve come to their senses and are now attacking Obama only on his mission to bring America into the educational, scientific, and medical ballpark after being spectators for many years. In all fairness, many of the younger people manufacturing dissent for this cause are actually Democrats in favor of fucknuts candidate Lyndon LaRouche. These are the same people who called Bush and Cheney “Nazis” and are now doing the same to Obama.

FUN FACT: Lydon LaRouche will never (ever, ever, ever) be President and therefore, must do everything in his power to make illegitimate the presidencies of others.

Us VS Them–If you combine our foreign relations with our Nationalism and Xenophobia, you get the Right Wing “Us VS Them” mentality. After all, terrorists aren’t attacking us because of our political and religious motivations–it’s because they hate our freedom. The word “them” or “they” can not refer to individuals (men, women, children) because that would bring about sympathy in the American spirit. “Them” must therefore refer to “terrorists, insurgents, or enemy combatants.” It is this very specific tactical wordplay that keeps citizens in line and discourages them from going crazy and killing their left wing neighbors. Even those leftists hate America, they’re still not as bad as the invisible enemy.

FUN FACT: Conspiracy theorists also tend to use the “Us VS Them” method of rallying supporters, but they tend to be much less active, preferring mainly to read the ravings of fellow mad men on the Internet and attend AA meetings.

VirginsMuch like the sanctity of Marriage, the desire for youth to be sexually uneducated and preserve their bodies and souls for their one true love is a major necessity. If we refuse to teach our children about proper sexual conduct, they will–unfailingly–be less prone to engaging in sexual activity. As we all know, this is a myth of epic proportions, but it’s important to stand by myths and support them until it negatively effects your life personally.

FUN FACT: Some studies (don’t ask me which studies) suggest that chicks who are taught not to have vaginal intercourse until they’re married are more likely to perform oral or anal sex…and that’s all we really need anyway.

Wealthy White War–I couldn’t decide which one of these words to utilize for “W” but I figured they chain together fairly well. From the beginning of American history, War has been planned, instigated, and caused by Wealthy White Men. It may have been the farmers and poor gun-totin’ yokels who fought the War for Independence, but they sure as fuck didn’t blow the whistle. Make no mistake: war is often the only answer to problems that can not be solved diplomatically. If you and yours are directly threatened, there’s only one option left. To say that “war is never the answer” is shockingly naive, but doesn’t it feel nice? Even in the case of a noble American War, we typically wouldn’t enter into it unless there were some clear and direct benefit as seen through the eyes of the Wealthy and the White.

FUN FACT: From the Drug War to the Star War, everyone loves a good battle–but sometimes the enemy isn’t as clear and present as Hitler or Vader. In these cases, we can substitute a rational enemy with an irrational fear–like Terror.

XenophobiaFear of the world and the people outside of our own tightly knit communities has always been America’s alcoholic uncle–we’re not sure why we keep him around, but we’re so used to him that we’ll come to terms with the fact that he prevents any kind of peace-of-mind at the party. Despite the fact that America, like most of the Western World, exists only as a mixing bowl of cultures and races, we will always have an irrational fear of immigrants and outsiders. What happens when Mexicans take over all of the shit-scooping and dirt-digging jobs that hard-working Americans are begging for? What happens then? I’ll tell you what happens then: Communism.

FUN FACT: If we were really so xenophobic, we probably wouldn’t have let black slaves into our homes…with their rap music…

Yester-yearsThese were the fictitious good ol’ days of Leave it to Beaver, a happier time that only existed on Television and in the hearts and minds of psychotic conservatives everywhere. We are determined to package and sell a lifestyle that never truly existed in the first place–a better lifestyle when everyone’s parents stayed together, retarded kids were locked in closets, and if you were gay, you were just beaten to death in the schoolyard. Those were the days.

FUN FACT: Did you ever wonder what happened to the Brady Bunch couple’s previous marriages?

ZealotryWhile this doesn’t necessarily have to be a negative thing, it very easily can become one. If you’re a fanatic over any particular person, character, or ideology you pack the potential to harm yourself and those around you. The Right maintains a Zealotry for God and America’s Forefathers. The danger exists due to the fantasy of the fanatic. You know how you used to think you were still in love with your Ex, but really you were only remembering what you wanted to remember about the whole horrible clusterfucked relationship? That’s how the Right feels about God and America’s Founding Members. They constantly invoke the word of the Lord and the imaginary Intentions of the Forefathers, bending the already pre-established beliefs and writings to suit their agendas at the time. You’re still thinking about your Ex, aren’t you?

FUN FACT: You’d be surprised how easy it is to fabricate ideas and statements made by either Fictional Characters, or persons in history that you refuse to actually read about.

Now you know your GOP ABC’s.

Alex G/

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What Do You Know About Slavery?

alexbwRace has certainly become a hot-button issue once again. Along with stereotypes and common prejudices, there are many ways by which people of various races and creeds can be misunderstood and misconstrued. It is important to learn the facts about a background in order to better understand a people; however, history–like individuals–can often be severely misinterpreted. And this is why I bring you: Shit you didn’t know about the Slavery!

Let’s start at the very beginning…

1. Slavery is not reserved for blacks, nor was African American slavery anywhere near “the worst in history.” The origin of the word “slave” comes from “Slav,” as in, the Slavic people. The Vikings would kidnap Slavs and sell them as unpaid laborers to the Romans. The term “slave” only dates back to about 580 AD. Before which, the Latin word “servus” was used for servants or slaves. Slavs, who were essentially white people, were the primary source of slavery during the Middle Ages.

Looks more like your typical Jesus than your typical slave art.

And for about 500 years, when the Moors ruled Spain, they would send white Christians to Egypt for slavery.

2. Is American Slavery solely the responsibility of white people and should they be held completely accountable? Actually, no. Slavery was officially established in America in 1654 by Anthony Johnson. What’s so special about Anthony Johnson? Well, he was a black paid servant in America who saved enough money to buy our his contract (along with his wife’s). And what was their logical next step? Own a slave, of course!

Okay, maybe we SHOULD apologize for 'Roots'
Okay, maybe we SHOULD apologize for 'Roots.'

Johnson fought in Virginia court for his right to own a slave on his property and won! Thus, becoming the first legal slave owner in America. Johnson’s actions came back around to bite him in the ass when his land was taken away and given to a white man because “Negroes” were considered “aliens” and couldn’t own property.

At the peak of slavery’s popularity, only about 6% of Southern whites owned slaves. If you include the slaves in the North, only about 1.4% of white Americans ever owned slaves.

But what about freed blacks? In 1860, an estimated 3,000 freed slaves owned about 20,000 black slaves. This means that 28% of blacks coming from slavery owned slaves themselves.

3. A little bit about the Civil War: How many times have we been told that the Civil War was fought for the abolishment of slavery? Confederate General Robert E. Lee had released all of his slaves prior to the Civil War, and 5 years before the war started, he famously wrote that “slavery is a moral and political evil.” Union General Ulysses Grant, on the other hand, had famously stated that he would never fight to end slavery.

Someday, I'll be President.

Grant, in fact, owned slaves throughout the war and continued to own slaves after the war. Due to Lincoln’s Emancipation Proclamation, slaves were outlawed in the South, but still legal in the North.

4. The horrors of the Cotton Gin. Although farm work, such as picking cotton, is relatively safe when compared to jobs such as lumberjack, commercial fisherman, and miner, it was still obviously unpleasant. In the late 18th century, slavery was starting to gradually die out. Slave owners began to free their slaves due to a decrease in manual farm labor.

Fuckface.

Just then, in 1793, some fuckface named Eli Whitney came along with this cotton pickin’ machine called the Gin. Suddenly, cotton became a huge cash crop due to Whitney’s unknowing enabling. Suddenly, slavery sparked up again–cementing its place in history forever.

5. Slaves–Where are they now? Well, an estimated 50,000 humans are brought into this country every year in some form of forced labor or slavery. There is really no way to know how many slaves still exist worldwide. Experts estimate it could be anywhere from 27 million to 200 million, mostly in South America, South Asia, and Africa (these numbers don’t include those who are in some form of servitude that isn’t technically labeled as “slavery”).

This massive population of slaves–more than any other time in history–are cheaper and offer more extensive labor than ever before. Servants and sex slaves are sold anywhere from $90-$1000.

I wonder if sex traffickers get free transportation...

To put that in perspective, adjusting for inflation, an African slave in America would have cost about $40,000 in today’s dollars. Most surprising is that according to a study at Berkeley University, there are an estimated 10,000 slaves that still exist in the United States.

Slavery is a big part of our history. It’s an important part; and indeed it’s something to remember when you go throwing around nonsense about something being “like slavery” or “animals being the slaves of the 21st century.” If this sounds like you, you’re either batshit insane or pig-fucking-ignorant.

Slavery remains one of the largest and most significant human rights issues in the world…so let’s think about humans before we start to worry about how chicken feel about being in a cage.

Alex G/

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Septa Inepta UPDATE!!!1!111

DaveSo after the events of the last post from me, I did what the responsible blogger would do….bitch to customer service about something they had very little control over. Here’s what I wrote….

Comment: Complaint

Incident Date: 2/23/2009

Time of Incident: 4:00 pm

Boarding Location: Ridge Ave and Fountain St

Final Destination: 30th St Station/Drexel University

Route: 9

Vehicle Number: 5916

Block Number: 13

Direction of Travel: Center City

Employee: Heavyset black male with glasses

Comments: While going into Center City on the 9 (which picked me up at Ridge and Fountain 10 minutes late to begin with) the driver missed the exit for 30th St and had to detour through South Philadelphia via Grey’s Ferry Ave and 34th st. This resulted in my being 30 minutes late for class at Drexel University.  My complaint is over the concept of a driver getting lost on a regular route, and his inability to correct his course and get  back on track, as he made several attempts to relocate 76.  When questioned and commented to, he replied unprofessionally and sarcastically, as if it were the fault of the riders.

I believe that SEPTA’s patrons pay too much to have to deal with the scenario described above.  I support SEPTA daily with my own travel to Drexel and through town, and indirectly through my support of the Transpasses issued to Philadelphia Students.  I truly feel that these situations should  never happen, and am very disappointed in the actions of this driver.  I do not feel out of place in requesting my fare back for this trip, and an apology to myself and the other riders on this bus.

Maybe a little on the bitchy side…but hey, I was annoyed. A few short days later, and they actually got back to me! Here’s their reply…

Dear Mr. Grow,

Thank you for contacting us and please accept our apologies for the inconvenience that you were caused as a result of this operator’s error.  Upon receipt, your report was forwarded to Management in the Bus Transportation Division.  The operator cited was identified and has been re-instructed on proper routing and his customer service responsibilities by Supervision.  He was reminded that what he thought was “just a mistake” could have been VERY IMPORTANT for our customers.  Appointments and important engagements could have been missed  (and apparently classes as well).  The operator is a new operator and his performance is being monitored in our new hire coaching program.

If you will let us know your mailing address, we will be happy to send you a token good for a future ride.

Sincerely,

Barry Berky
SEPTA Customer Service

Haha…suck it SEPTA. I emailed him back and took him up on the offer for a free token. I’m pretty sure it’ll never come, but I can hope. So finally, I work towards evening the score against SEPTA…..South Eastern Pennsylvania Transportation Authority 45, Dave 1. Suck it.

philamaneto!

Thank you!