The exciting Summer Movie Season is over, but fear not, you film lovers, you—because the Fall Movie Previews are up running. There are still plenty of movies for you to throw your money at while praying to your god’s deaf ears that they will be worth your while. The secrets out! The almost certainly won’t be. Let’s gaze deeper into the Fall Trailers of the Weak!
The Vampire’s Assistant—I have a feeling that John C. Reilly committed some sort of horrendous crime in a past life. That would be the only rationale behind the laundry list of crap-movies he’s legally obligated to appear in. The Vampire’s Assistant is based on another in a similar laundry list of teen-vampire-book-series. While the film itself may seem almost watchable, it’s just giving further encouragement to the industry that keeps shitting out these kids’ vampire dramas. Fuck it.
The Fourth Kind—If you weren’t scared shitless by Close Encounters of the Third Kind, you’re probably amongst the sane people who will be avoiding this movie. Milla Jovovich, reprising her role as the dead-serious-intense-staring female lead in a science fiction flick, this time decides to present it as a “true story.” In psycho-babble, a “close encounter of the fourth kind” is an alien abduction; however, it should probably refer to an encounter with a psychologist whose first-fucking-logical-hypothesis is that you were abducted by fucking aliens.
Trucker—Replace Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler with a truck-driving chick with smaller tits and you’ve got yourself another dynamically bland indie film that’s bound to make a grown man weep.
Untitled—Whether it succeeds or not in its breath-taking pretentiousness and not-so-subtle plagiarism of Art School Confidential remains to be seen, but I’m going to give this two thumbs up, and A-for-Effort, and my confidence that this could be the only movie I see this Fall.
Fantastic Mr. Fox—I take that back. If this movie is half as incredible as the amount of work that went into making it, it will be an instant classic. I can’t imagine Wes Anderson not being able to pull that off.
Dark Room Theater—It’s a good thing that this film is going to be released on September 11th, so that we Americans can consider two horrifying national disasters on the same day. Two birds—one stone.
The Horse Boy—Don’t let the title fool you. This is a documentary about a family taking their autistic child to Mongolia for some therapeutic healing. There’s something about taking a retarded kid to Mongolia that just seems wrong to me.
Brief Interviews with Hideous Men—John Krasinski’s directorial debut yields exactly what one would expect: subtle, tongue-in-cheek comedy in an IFC casing, featuring a list of comic-actors so extensive that it can only be safe to say it’ll be…kinda funny?
Sorority Row—Are people really going to see this? Do they think we’re children? Go fuck yourselves!
Whip It—I’m not entirely sure what to do here. Essentially, Drew Barrymore has decided that her directorial debut would be using Ellen Page to capitalize on the popularity of Juno, while offering relatively nothing new. That being said, I’ll probably see it just to spite myself.
Youth in Revolt—All of you fuckers who said, “Michael Cera can only play Michael Cera” can suck it! He can play Michael Cera and Michael Cera with a mustache!
Aladin—This modern-day interpretation of the story of Aladdin told through the magic of Bollywood is bound to be the greatest movie no one will ever see.
The Boys are Back—Watching Clive Owen cry is as cripplingly depressing as seeing Arnold Schwarzenegger sitting stationary behind the governor’s desk.
Leslie, My Name is Evil—If there’s one thing you don’t see enough of in romantic comedies, it’s Charles Manson.
Bronson—If I miss this movie, I don’t think I’ll be able to live with myself. This trailer is refreshing, original, sexy, and off-the-wall. While we’re all sitting shiva waiting for Guy Ritchie to come back, we have Nicolas Winding Refn offering us delicious lemonade and Rice Krispie Treats.
One Good Man—I’m sorry, can we make a rule, please? Mormons aren’t allowed to have their own movies unless there’s at least one black guy in them. With reviews like, “Captures the spirit of Mormonism,” I can’t help but be confused. I didn’t notice any fear, bigotry, infidelity, racism, or arrogant ignorance in the trailer…hmmm…maybe they’re talking about a different “spirit on Mormonism.”
Adventures of Power—Some may accuse me of writing lazy reviews…but I may accuse some of making lazy movies. There is not one element of this movie that makes it look “good.” But at the same time, it’s probably going to be effortlessly hilarious.
The Box—As intense and original as this film may look, I must still take issue with PG-13 Cameron Diaz film entitled The Box, simply because of the 0% chance that we will actually be seeing Cameron Diaz’s “box.”
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