Movie Trailer Round-up: A Bad Start

This year is so young, it’s barely got its eyes open yet. We’ve already seen a mediocre State of the Union address, and an uninspiring and uneventful Golden Globes and Grammy Award Ceremonies. On the road approaching the Academy Awards (oh, it’s coming!), we start to look back on the good-to-pretty good movies of 2009. But that’s a mistake!

We’ve already seen those movies. We know who’s going to win, probably…2009 is over, and it’s time we forget the movies it brought with it. It’s time to look ahead, to the future of cinema, and to the trash that Hollywood pushes on us at this juncture.

Red Riding–Looks like a worthwhile flick. Gritty, action packed, subtle…everything an indie film should be.

Repo MenThe concept was obviously ripped from the just-okay-rock opera Repo: A Genetic Opera, but it stars Jude Law and Forest Whitaker, so I’ll bite.

City IslandCan we please have an indie flick that’s not Juno? Juno was good–I liked it–but does every fucking independent movie have to be Juno?

Dear JohnIf The Notebook made you cry, then you probably shouldn’t see this movie. You should probably just stay in your apartment and play with your cats.

MacGruberWhen Saturday Night Live used to make movies, they based them on time-honored skits by top-notch comedians. Now they throw together 2-second bits and shit out a blockbuster.

Bass AckwardsI don’t understand art anymore. The title makes it seem like a fun and hilarious romp through goofsville, but the trailer shows me a weird, artsy, dramatic scenester clusterfuck.

Season of the WitchNicholas Cage and Ron Pearlman doing olde English accents is one of those things that should be filed under “NEVER LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN.”

Kick-AssIf this movie turns out like I want it to, it will easily be one of my favorite movies of the year. Kick ass.

Alex G/

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Dragon Age: Origins–Part 5

Don’t judge me. If I had a problem, I would almost certainly admit it. Although I have absolutely no way of knowing for sure, I feel as if I am slowly approaching the end of this fucking game.

I’m well aware how possible it is that I will get to the conclusion only to be thrown naked in the middle of a forest having to essentially start the game over again. But it doesn’t seem like this is the case.

Much of the game looks like this...wandering from place to place...but it's totally worth it,

I haven’t actually reached the end yet, so I may be speaking too soon…but I’m finding myself slightly disappointed. If this truly is the end, what do I do now? There is no more map to explore, not really any more missions to accomplish…

…is life now obsolete? We’ll see. If there is no Part 6 of this stupid series of articles, you will know that I have gladly taken my own life rather than live one more miserable day in a non-Fantasy world.

Peace, fuckers.

Alex G/

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Trailers of the Weak: The Best of Fall

alexbwThe exciting Summer Movie Season is over, but fear not, you film lovers, you—because the Fall Movie Previews are up running. There are still plenty of movies for you to throw your money at while praying to your god’s deaf ears that they will be worth your while. The secrets out! The almost certainly won’t be. Let’s gaze deeper into the Fall Trailers of the Weak! 

The Vampire’s AssistantI have a feeling that John C. Reilly committed some sort of horrendous crime in a past life. That would be the only rationale behind the laundry list of crap-movies he’s legally obligated to appear in. The Vampire’s Assistant is based on another in a similar laundry list of teen-vampire-book-series. While the film itself may seem almost watchable, it’s just giving further encouragement to the industry that keeps shitting out these kids’ vampire dramas. Fuck it.

The Fourth Kind—If you weren’t scared shitless by Close Encounters of the Third Kind, you’re probably amongst the sane people who will be avoiding this movie. Milla Jovovich, reprising her role as the dead-serious-intense-staring female lead in a science fiction flick, this time decides to present it as a “true story.” In psycho-babble, a “close encounter of the fourth kind” is an alien abduction; however, it should probably refer to an encounter with a psychologist whose first-fucking-logical-hypothesis is that you were abducted by fucking aliens

TruckerReplace Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler with a truck-driving chick with smaller tits and you’ve got yourself another dynamically bland indie film that’s bound to make a grown man weep. 

UntitledWhether it succeeds or not in its breath-taking pretentiousness and not-so-subtle plagiarism of Art School Confidential remains to be seen, but I’m going to give this two thumbs up, and A-for-Effort, and my confidence that this could be the only movie I see this Fall.

Fantastic Mr. FoxI take that back. If this movie is half as incredible as the amount of work that went into making it, it will be an instant classic. I can’t imagine Wes Anderson not being able to pull that off. 

Dark Room TheaterIt’s a good thing that this film is going to be released on September 11th, so that we Americans can consider two horrifying national disasters on the same day. Two birds—one stone

The Horse BoyDon’t let the title fool you. This is a documentary about a family taking their autistic child to Mongolia for some therapeutic healing. There’s something about taking a retarded kid to Mongolia that just seems wrong to me

Brief Interviews with Hideous MenJohn Krasinski’s directorial debut yields exactly what one would expect: subtle, tongue-in-cheek comedy in an IFC casing, featuring a list of comic-actors so extensive that it can only be safe to say it’ll be…kinda funny

Sorority RowAre people really going to see this? Do they think we’re children? Go fuck yourselves! 

Whip ItI’m not entirely sure what to do here. Essentially, Drew Barrymore has decided that her directorial debut would be using Ellen Page to capitalize on the popularity of Juno, while offering relatively nothing new. That being said, I’ll probably see it just to spite myself. 

Youth in RevoltAll of you fuckers who said, “Michael Cera can only play Michael Cera” can suck it! He can play Michael Cera and Michael Cera with a mustache! 

AladinThis modern-day interpretation of the story of Aladdin told through the magic of Bollywood is bound to be the greatest movie no one will ever see. 

The Boys are BackWatching Clive Owen cry is as cripplingly depressing as seeing Arnold Schwarzenegger sitting stationary behind the governor’s desk. 

Leslie, My Name is EvilIf there’s one thing you don’t see enough of in romantic comedies, it’s Charles Manson

BronsonIf I miss this movie, I don’t think I’ll be able to live with myself. This trailer is refreshing, original, sexy, and off-the-wall. While we’re all sitting shiva waiting for Guy Ritchie to come back, we have Nicolas Winding Refn offering us delicious lemonade and Rice Krispie Treats

One Good ManI’m sorry, can we make a rule, please? Mormons aren’t allowed to have their own movies unless there’s at least one black guy in them. With reviews like, “Captures the spirit of Mormonism,” I can’t help but be confused. I didn’t notice any fear, bigotry, infidelity, racism, or arrogant ignorance in the trailer…hmmm…maybe they’re talking about a different “spirit on Mormonism.” 

Adventures of PowerSome may accuse me of writing lazy reviews…but I may accuse some of making lazy movies. There is not one element of this movie that makes it look “good.” But at the same time, it’s probably going to be effortlessly hilarious. 

The BoxAs intense and original as this film may look, I must still take issue with PG-13 Cameron Diaz film entitled The Box, simply because of the 0% chance that we will actually be seeing Cameron Diaz’s “box.”

Alex G/

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