Friday Goob News (10/21): The Triggering Investigation

Welcome back to another super-awesome weekly Goob News! I’m your host, Alex Gross, inviting you to come on this fantastic journey with me every week into the realm of the magically autistic. And what a week it was!

We’ve got Burger King’s Brand New MAYOnator, Tommy runs afoul of a North Carolina Denny’s, and JXC Studios releases the full version of The Book of Love on Google Docs.

First thing’s first: TommyNC2010 has been on a diet, and we all support him…blessings and peace…blah blah blah. But it’s become increasingly clear that this faux diet is just to drum up support and he is in no way sticking to a meal or exercise regimen. In this video, our dear, sweet Tommy has a fit about Denny’s putting him on hold for an hour for a pick-up order of a BURGER (read: not healthy) on his lunch break at work.

The only saving grace of this entire trip is that he managed to burn some calories walking to Denny’s to pick up (or not pick up) his food. He throws a fit, which he immediately regrets doing on camera, of course. Then resigns himself to a “healthy” meal at Taco Bell. All of the while, I’m watching this, thinking…”at least he’s walking…”

Then I realize the distance between his place of employment, Ingles Markets, and the food stops. I give you, Exhibit A: The Tommy Zone.

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He also mentions at one point that he walked “all the way from the Pizza Hut” which suggests…that he maybe had a pre-lunch meal there? I’m clueless. But I tried to find the nearest Pizza Hut and found this, Exhibit B: The 9-Minute Walk.

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But watch the video, and judge for yourselves. Because this investigation is far from over.

More importantly, watch him LOSE IT on an innocent Denny’s employee who has no fucking clue what he’s talking about and then tells him to “have a good day.”

In addition to his rant about proper “customer service” and making excuses about not being able to go to the gym because of his part time job, Tommy finds time to go to another restaurant!

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Tommy attends “Free Pie (read: not healthy) Wednesday” at O’Charley’s Restaurant and Bar where he indulges in a steak and mashed potatoes absolutely slathered in gravy…with a barely-touched salad on the side.

It’s important to recognize, when following the daily goings-on of TommyNC2010, that this is a “multimedia” experience. You get to follow him on his videos, see photos of what he’s eating via Instagramwitness live behind-the-scenes takes on Facebook, and map out his little North Carolina world via Google. Go on your funktaculis own Tommy Adventure today!

Next up, we’ve got another little story to tell about our good friend, John (TheReportOfTheWeek). Last week, Review Brah took a bite outta slime with his review of the new Burger King Bacon King Sandwich.

To his dismay, it was over-loaded with mayonnaise; almost triggering the moment we’ve all been waiting for: The Messy Suit Meltdown. We narrowly avoided the inevitable autistic fit…but little did we know that this little mishap would sit with TheReportoftheWeek for several days, culminating in an epic pitch to the higher-up’s at Burger King.

There is only one thing left to do: create the MayoNator.

And finally–perhaps my NEW FAVORITE SHORT MOVIE, The Book of Love, has been released in its entirety onto Google Docs by JXC Studios.

There is so much to say about it that I hesitate to put it onto words…just follow the link HERE. And see the trailer below!

That’s all we’ve got for you today, my precious little snowflakes! See you next time!

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Vote for Yourselves (For All I Care)

1First thing’s fucking first, I get it–this election has been pretty nuts. Not unpredictably nuts, but a level of bizarre we can all deal with, should we be mentally stable individuals. Most of us aren’t. And it seems that you guys–gentle readers–are almost certainly more out-of-touch than any of the current candidates are. But, having said that, vote for yourselves–for all I care.

We’ve all spent the last several years in a damaging cultural clusterfuck that you’re all partially responsible for. You’ve refused to speak to anyone with an opinion outside of your own circle of thought, and those of you who attempted to, were met with hostility and condescension.

You’ve lost touch with your fellow man, and more often than not, stopped even listening to your fellow woman.

And there’s a good reason for this. You’re all a bunch of assholes. It’s OK. You can admit it now. It’s just us talking.

But this is why you can’t possibly fathom why anyone would vote for “the other guy.” It’s not because you’re morally or culturally superior; it’s because you haven’t spoken to those people in the last half-decade…and the cultural landscape has changed…maybe for good…but not likely.

We’ve become soft; our feelings too fragile; our minds so wrapped up in being on the right side that we stopped wondering if we’re actually right. But that’s OK. We can fix that, it’s just going to take time, and it’s going to take patience. It’s going to take the fortitude of exploration and not getting “triggered” any time someone says something we don’t like. Petty snobbery and social media butt-fuckery isn’t our new stage of evolution; it’s our current state of regressive childishness. Grow up.

Every election cycle (that is to say, every 4-years, because no one votes in elections that actually do matter) we’re divided into tribes by the media…and right afterwards, we’re amnesiacs to the entire process.

Every cycle we hear “Why can’t we have more choice; more option in our candidates?”

But it’s always paired with: “This election is too important to vote for third parties.”

This hate-fuck election will not be won by Trump or Clinton. It will be won by frustration and contempt, or by apathy and  laziness.

1Half of you want to believe that Trump is an unclean evil, a pigpen Hitler, a Bonaroo Beelzebub; but in reality, he’s just a guy you disagree with…whose “fans” or “supporters” feel is the antithesis to the cultural nightmare of trigger warnings, safe spacesracial division and third-wave feminism we’ve been suffering through recently.

Half of you want to believe that Clinton is out to steal, manipulate and destroy all of the values America holds dear, for some global plot for control, or just to feed her own insatiable ego; but in reality, she’s just a woman you disagree with…whose “fans” and “supporters” know she’s not as exciting as Obama, or cool as Bill, but her presence in politics throughout your entire millennial existence makes you feel, maybe, a little more comfortable.

1But who cares? Trump can only win if the people who claim to hate him so much are apathetic enough to stay home, while his supporters are motivated to deal Hillary her final crushing blow. And Clinton can only win if somehow, some way, she is able to generate the numbers of interested voters; or drum up enough vitriol to make people believe they’re actually voting to defeat the next Hitler…which they aren’t…and most people are smart enough to recognize.

So don’t vote for a third party, if you feel like that’s throwing your vote away.

Vote for yourself; because you’re wonderful, lovely, and by far the smartest person you know. After all, 235.25 Million People can’t all be individually wrong…right?

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