The Other Side of the Olympics

I’ll say it so you don’t have to: The Olympics are fucking boring. Yes, I recognize the athletic achievement and national pride (blah blah blah) that go along with this ancient sporting event, but it sucks. It’s not fun to watch and it’s even less fun to hear people talk about.

That’s right–Americans don’t give a shit about the Olympics. They don’t. Yes, the Olympics are viewed by millions and millions on TV, but that’s only because we–as Americans–feel that we have to watch it. Aside from Hockey and the Little League World Series, how often do we get to rub the world’s nose in the fact that we’re better at everything?

Oh, right…every day.

Also, trust that your most talented winter Olympic athletes are most likely the same fags that you won’t allow to get married or join the military. Take Apolo Ohno–amazing athlete–looks so much like a lesbian that you’d half-expect him to be pregnant on Entertainment Tonight.

(Not a Lesbian)

It’s not fair to the rest of the world that we kick so much ass. That’s why we have to let Canada win sometimes. We should have a “Special Olympics” (no, not that kind of Special Olympics)–an alternative Olympics that includes activities and events that Americans may not be so fucking good at. Feel free to send me your suggestions, but I’m pushing for:

Drug Dealing, Child Sex-Trading, Manufacturing Anything, Test-Taking, Slave Labor, Foreign Languages, and General Passion About Anything…just to name a few.

It truly bothers the hell out of me that Saudi Arabia isn’t winning the big gold. Perhaps if we had an event for Sodomy or Rape, it would increase the odds a little.

You know there’s nothing sexier and more exhilarating than blatant disregard for human rights.

What really boggles the mind is that even in the dullness of the event, there remain those who choose to protest its continuation. It’s hard to tell if the protesters are simply reacting to the Vancouver location, or if they just hate the Olympics in general. If the answer is the latter, I suggest they just tune in to the CBS fucking golf fucking tournament.

The Olympic Resistance Network (a bunch of dicks), presumably made up of alcoholics, hipsters, and drug addicts who needed something to do rationalizes their destruction and threats by claiming some ultimate goal of returning the land to Native Indians–or if not, just get some public housing projects going.

You live in your parents’ basement, what the shit do you care about public housing?

The reality is that the Olympics are so lame that putting on a mask, smashing windows, and vandalizing cars has become the better option in Vancouver.

At what point does an event that prides itself on pushing the limits of human achievement simply become a twisted reality show? I promise that when the Olympics are moved to FOX and the name is changed to Let’s See Who Lives, the whole world will be much more interested–or at least I’ll be.

Alex G/

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An Open Letter to Country Star John Rich

AlexDear Mr. Rich,

It may seem odd, and almost awkward, to single you out amongst the perversely immense cacophony of Country Western Superstars and the fine and objectively upstanding, God-Loving American Citizens who enjoy the genre. Let me assure you that my intentions are specific and wholly warranted.

While your career has had its ups and downs (significantly more downs), it is worth mentioning that the true measure of your success and notoriety can only accurately correspond to the staggering rate at which viewers of FOX News and CMT are having babies, buying guns, thumbing through scripture, or power-houring a six pack of Milwaukee’s Best.

Not only have you brought this glorious country of ours such notable songs as Hicktown, Pickin’ Wildflowers, When I Think About Cheatin’, and Redneck Woman, but have also been able to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that the music industry (as powerful, significant, and influential as it is) has not disregarded the vastly important demographic of the comically retarded.

In your recent appearance with FOX News’ Glenn Beck, you exhibited a clear-cut “fuck you” to those nay-sayers who didn’t think you could ever bounce back from being the lackluster sidekick to Big Kenny. When Big & Rich reforms this year (or did you get back together already? I don’t know care) you can celebrate the valuable lesson you learned about Off-Road-Head that unfortunately resulted in Big Ken’s neck injury.

Luckily for me, I was able to catch the last few minutes of Glenn Beck (through which he was conspicuously dry-eyed) while you sang The Good Lord and the Man, a song that not only delivered a swift punch in the cunt to all those faggy America-Bashers out there, but also served to violently alienate damn near everyone with enough severe cranial damage to share your demented opinions.

I can only compare you to Larry the Cable Guy, with respect to his “down-to-earth” humor for the developmentally disabled, in that you’re not necessarily hurting America, but you are accomplishing the valiant task of giving functionally retarded Americans a bad name.

Any individual with enough mental stamina to change the channel was in better condition than I was this afternoon as I suffered through unquestionably divisive verses like:

“…and I see people on my T.V. taking shots at Uncle Sam. I hope they always remember why they can, cause we’d all be speakin’ German, livin’ under the flag of Japan if it wasn’t for the good Lord and the man.”

As the host of CMT‘s Gone Country and one of the judges for NBC‘s Nashville Star, you succeeded in taking the business model of American Idol, making damn certain that everything “watchable” was stripped away, and that you were specifically targeting the willfully ignorant.

With that statement, I must add that there is absolutely nothing wrong with Country Music. Southern Musicians may arguably be some of the best and most talented individuals to ever grace the industry. What you spread, however, does not blur the line between Poetry and Hate Speech, it takes a steamy, grit-laced shit on it.

Your over-the-top sensual love songs about the good ol’ red, white and blue would perhaps be mildly offensive to the brain case of the progressive-minded non-xenophobe if they weren’t so creepily compelling. I never looked at John McCain the same way after Raisin’ McCain…mostly because I kept picturing him as a sun-dried grape.

While I will not viciously spread unfounded rumors that you are somehow racist or homophobic (I mean, who would believe something like that?), I will take a leap of faith and suggest that if our sexy country were to champion an Anti-Intellectual Pride day, you would be among the first to toss in your ridiculous stetson and write a song titled: Smart People Think They’re Better Than Me, But They’re All Gay.

In closing, I must make it crystal clear that this is not a personal attack, nor is it an attempt to persuade you to stop doing what you’re doing. In fact, you could even consider this as a plea to do what you’re doing harder (not in a gay way though, I know that makes you sick).

Keep undressing Lady Liberty with your mind as you cling steadfast to a concept of America that exists only in the minds of yourself and the Michigan Militia. You give High School dropouts something to believe in, and that’s fucking important!

Keep playing the ignorant Cowboy on the T.V. for the sake of masochistic progressives everywhere. After all, if you quit, what will Glenn Beck masturbate to?


From the Bottom of My Heart,