I’ll say it so you don’t have to: The Olympics are fucking boring. Yes, I recognize the athletic achievement and national pride (blah blah blah) that go along with this ancient sporting event, but it sucks. It’s not fun to watch and it’s even less fun to hear people talk about.
That’s right–Americans don’t give a shit about the Olympics. They don’t. Yes, the Olympics are viewed by millions and millions on TV, but that’s only because we–as Americans–feel that we have to watch it. Aside from Hockey and the Little League World Series, how often do we get to rub the world’s nose in the fact that we’re better at everything?
Oh, right…every day.
Also, trust that your most talented winter Olympic athletes are most likely the same fags that you won’t allow to get married or join the military. Take Apolo Ohno–amazing athlete–looks so much like a lesbian that you’d half-expect him to be pregnant on Entertainment Tonight.
It’s not fair to the rest of the world that we kick so much ass. That’s why we have to let Canada win sometimes. We should have a “Special Olympics” (no, not that kind of Special Olympics)–an alternative Olympics that includes activities and events that Americans may not be so fucking good at. Feel free to send me your suggestions, but I’m pushing for:
Drug Dealing, Child Sex-Trading, Manufacturing Anything, Test-Taking, Slave Labor, Foreign Languages, and General Passion About Anything…just to name a few.
It truly bothers the hell out of me that Saudi Arabia isn’t winning the big gold. Perhaps if we had an event for Sodomy or Rape, it would increase the odds a little.
You know there’s nothing sexier and more exhilarating than blatant disregard for human rights.
What really boggles the mind is that even in the dullness of the event, there remain those who choose to protest its continuation. It’s hard to tell if the protesters are simply reacting to the Vancouver location, or if they just hate the Olympics in general. If the answer is the latter, I suggest they just tune in to the CBS fucking golf fucking tournament.
The Olympic Resistance Network (a bunch of dicks), presumably made up of alcoholics, hipsters, and drug addicts who needed something to do rationalizes their destruction and threats by claiming some ultimate goal of returning the land to Native Indians–or if not, just get some public housing projects going.
You live in your parents’ basement, what the shit do you care about public housing?
The reality is that the Olympics are so lame that putting on a mask, smashing windows, and vandalizing cars has become the better option in Vancouver.
At what point does an event that prides itself on pushing the limits of human achievement simply become a twisted reality show? I promise that when the Olympics are moved to FOX and the name is changed to Let’s See Who Lives, the whole world will be much more interested–or at least I’ll be.
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