Celebrities Don’t Get Sick of Losing

We all love when celebrities get involved in political issues. Leonardo DiCaprio likes to step-up for the environment. Mark Ruffalo generates fake footage of tap water being set on fire to increase his points about the dangers of fracking. Emma Watson stands up for women by spreading lies about wage gaps and rapping with Lin-Manuel Miranda. Shailene Woodley tells us the true meaning of Thanksgiving while crying near an Indian Reservation in North Dakota.

And almost every celebrity you’ve ever heard of consistently and interminably reminds us all that Donald Trump is a magnitude 8.0 Super-Nazi Racist Xenophobic Earthquake despite all evidence to the contrary.

First, they were having fun; giddy and confident that either their Ancient She-Witch or Communist Santa Claus candidates would ultimately be victorious over the forces of evil (read: The Republican Party).

When it became clear that Socialist Father Time was out for good, the celebs concentrated their attention on getting Hillary Clinton elected, whether they agreed with her or not, at all costs. They were confident in an easy victory, so their voices joined together in a praise chorus for their Pants-Suit-Super-Heroine.

After the Summer of hope and free Katy Perry concerts, the reality set in that Democrats could lose this thing. Not because Donald Trump was too powerful and too likable to overcome, but because their candidate was just…that…awful. Our beloved celebs began to get desperate. And that’s when Joss Whedon arose from the ashes of his social justice warrior prison, gathered everyone he’s ever worked with…and gave us gems like this:

The fear in Robert Downey Jr.‘s eyes, paired with the light-hearted urgency of cracking jokes, all while calling a person you don’t like a white supremacist just seemed to fit perfectly in a delicious cocktail of delusional self-importance. They beautifully conveyed a message of despair which virtue-signaled themselves into a wild frenzy, inadvertently strengthening the resolve of those precious valuable voters who were (and are) vehemently opposed to Hollywood elitists telling them what to do.

Despite this toxic divisive fear, Hillary Clinton spent ELECTION DAY doing this:

And then…the unthinkable happened.

After the election was over, and the our celebrity friends took a much-needed pause from trying to tell us what to do in favor of obligatory tear-ridden temper tantrums, they figured out their major flaw. All this time, they had been preaching to the choir, talking to people who were already on their side. They were too busy calling Trump Supporters racist deplorables that they forgot they may need the help of those sub-human flag-wavers in the future. And that future was now.

This time, they’d try to speak directly to the hate-mongers and Klansmen who they actively avoided for so long, and try to encourage those Electors to overturn a Democratic Election in favor of…who cares? John Kasich? Evan McMuffin? As long as it wasn’t Donald Trump, they didn’t care; a clear showing that they were blinded by their hatred of a fellow Entertainer jumping the Democratic ship and didn’t give a fuck about politics anymore. Surprise, surprise. This once-again strengthened the resolve of their opponents, and their candidate wound up losing electoral votes as well as the election.

Now, like Alzheimer’s Patients, they return once again to repeat heavily scripted lines of dialogue at us in hopes that some poor soul remains in America who will be swayed into hard-hitting political action by the trembling, erratic voice of Sally Field.

Presumably, the goal of #StandUpForUs is to flip the table and attempt to empower citizens to represent each other, rather then expecting celebrities to represent them; an interesting tactic that categorically never works, since it’s still celebs telling you to do something.

Best of luck, Celebrities. The day is sure to come when we’re all reminded that not only do you know better than us, you are better than us.



Yes, Hamilton. There IS an Electoral College


Recently, a new organization has cropped up all over the media landscape and they’re getting quite a bit of attention. The group is called Hamilton Electors and they are made up (as far as I can tell) of a tiny handful of members of the Electoral College who are both born without genitalia and devoted to overturning President-Elect Donald Trump’s victory.

A lot of focus from the Left has been painstakingly directed over the torturous and invalid notion that through recountsprotests, and tantrum throwing, butthurt Americans may be able to wake up from the nightmare they experienced on November 8th, 2016 when half of the country collectively told the other half to go fuck themselves.

It is in this fervor, paired with the blind devotion to the over-hyped and over-praised Hamilton: An American Musical, that left-wing ideologues have decided that the founding fathers (namely Alexander Hamilton) set up our current voting system in order to stop future-president Donald Trump, specifically, from taking office.

Let’s set aside the delusional nature of that belief for now, and focus on how ludicrously myopic this interpretation of Alexander Hamilton clearly is.

Hamilton was part of the Constitutional Convention, an interminable series of discussions about the newly founded independent American Colonies and how they should be run. Hamilton was originally in favor of appointing an executive for a lifetime term.

It was in the Federalist Papers number 68 that Hamilton (under a pseudonym, so experts only suspect it was actually him) fleshed out his understanding of an Electoral College being appropriate for American elections. In this argument, he explicitly stated that he saw the Electoral College be made up of distinguished men who would and could be trusted with making sure a suitable and distinguished man become president…sort of as a last line of defense in his mind against democracy run amok, or worse, women getting the vote.

It would be the Electors’ job to represent the people and ensure that the winner of the states’ electoral votes would be voted into office. Like most laws of the land, this process was put into effect mostly to protect slave states. As colonies where plantation farming was plentiful had a much smaller voting population, the forefathers wanted to make sure these industrial states (like South Carolina) were also represented in a presidential election.

To put that in perspective today, American farmland and industrial states would have little-to-no say in the Executive and Judicial branches of government if we relied on the Popular Vote alone to determine elections. Populous cities like NYC, Chicago, LA, and Philadelphia would be the most deciding factors for the presidency, effectively re-creating the notion that only the elite upper class and desperate lower class would be tapped to make their voices heard. 80-90% of the United States would not have an invitation to the table.

This is the folly of those who seek to abolish the Electoral College. Theoretically, in our current sociopolitical climate, it is perfectly reasonable to assume that it may be unlikely that a conservative/Republican candidate may ever win the Popular Vote again. The media works to tarnish the reputations of conservatives and Republicans, and the Democrats attempt to weaken regulations that restrict voter fraud, creating easier access to the polls for millions of Democrat-inclined parties to vote illegally.

To put that into further perspective: California is a Blue State, usually counted for the Democratic candidate before votes are even counted. California went to Hillary Clinton with more votes than any other state, giving her over 8 Million votes. Currently, Clinton leads the Popular Vote by about 2.5 Million Votes. No individual state would even come close to those margins. An election where a majority of the populations of any of these blue states voted would crush a Republican candidate, hands down.

In this case, however, we have the Electoral College siting Alexander Hamilton in order to take a stand against Donald Trump–because despite an against-the-odds victory and obvious attempts to reach out to both friend and foe for guidance and support–they see him as unfit for office.

Other than being a gentlemen of distinguished character, Hamilton offers very few other requirements of the President of the United States. He also seems generally dismissive of the notion that such a reprehensible being would even make it far enough to become President; and if he should, he probably wasn’t as reprehensible as people thought. Hamilton essentially assured a fail-safe system with the Electoral College, but also implied that because of the nature of American men, it would be inconceivable for the Electoral College to ever have to utilize such a thing.

The main deciding factor in Hamilton’s critique of a future “unfit” president was an individual who may have allegiances with foreign powers over his devotion to America…a warning both against tyranny of foreign governments, and globalism.

Hamilton makes one more point, which wraps this all up very nicely. He describes his requirements for traits of the “men” who should be chosen as Electors.

  1. They must only meet within their own states. This is to prevent collusion on the part of electors so they may not band together to overthrow a democratic election. Strike ONE for having a website called “Hamilton Electors” where electors may collude to vote against the President-Elect.
  2. No electors may hold positions within the government. We’ll give this one a pass for now, but I wouldn’t be surprised by foul play here.
  3. No electors who have “too great devotion for the President in office.” Clearly a strike for the Hamilton Electors here, but we’d have to clarify what this means. Surely they don’t have to hate Obama to be electors, but they must also not be champions of Hillary Clinton or the Democratic Party. Their website maintains their mission to instead elect a different Republican. But I don’t buy it. No self-respecting Republican would tarnish their reputation by accepting this treasonous offer.

And it would be tantamount to treason. At this point, the only saving grace we have as either Protestors, Trump Supporters, or just concerned citizens is that these naive and self-important delusional schmucks will not make a dent in the numbers to overturn or challenge this election. Because doing so could potentially be an act of war, and I don’t foresee any of these Electoral College Lin-Manuel Miranda cucks doing much more than fashioning their soiled tighty-whities into a makeshift banner of surrender.


Time to Bunker-Up, Bunkeroos!

With the Election 2016 kinda over, the continuing shit storm of hurt feelings is going strong until the inauguration…THE CLASSIEST SUPER FANTASTIC INAUGURATION ALL TIME–IT WILL MAKE THE INAUGURATION OF ANDREW JACKSON LOOK LIKE A SAD KID’S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT CHUCK E CHEESE!!!!

(Sorry for that)

But with our first meme President coming to power, liberals and Democrats prepare to deal with the impending orange menace in many ways.

First: IT IS TIME TO FIGHT!!!!!!

Donald Trump didn’t really win the election it was…the…RUSSIANS! (yeah)

Russians with Putin hacked into the voting booths in Florida and changed all the Hillary votes to Trump votes. And if it happened there, they probably did that in, like, Michigan and Pennsylvania, too! That’s the only reason why a state would’ve flipped Republican after six straight elections. Did you see how happy Vladimir Putin looked after Donald Trump won the election and wants to improve relations? What does that mean? Only a world leader who directly influenced the election would say that!

And let’s take to the streets to prove we’re having a crappy time. It’s our turn to make everyone have a crappy time.

(Please stop rioting in places where your candidate won by a large margin, go to rural Wisconsin, Michigan, and Pennsylvania and block the one traffic light there.)

Secondly IT’S TIME TO BLAME OTHERS!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hope you’re happy, 3rd party voters because you got EXACTLY what you wanted–even though one was a more progressive candidate, and another wanted to end the Drug War– you got DONALD FUCKING TRUMP!

I hope you can live with yourself. HOW YOU DO SLEEP AT NIGHT?!?!?

The 3rd parties did have some positive affect on the election with California, Nevada, and Massachusetts: Legalize IT, old Gary Johnson and cuckoo-for-vaccines-and-GMOs Dr. Jill Stein got a couple more to states to eat pot gummy bears in.

AND YOU PEOPLE DIDN’T BOTHER TO VOTE! Didn’t you get the message from Amy Schumer and Louie CK that not voting makes you the BIGGEST asshole of all?!

Did you know this election came down to a couple of percents in key states, so your vote would have matter (only if you voted for the candidate we liked and not anyone else)?


Yup as I said in the title, it’s time bunker-up, bunkeroos!

Time for pay-back for the way Republicans treated the person they didn’t vote in the last two elections. The way they disrespected him, that one time governor of Arizona that wagged her finger at Barrack Obama and that one Congressman who yelled “you lie” at the state of the Union, and the way they fundamentally opposed all of his policies.

Fuck those assholes. I mean, what are you trying to be; some sort of “opposition party” or something?!

But listen up, President Dildo, because they’re gonna treat you with super-duper disrespect. When you land in Pennsylvania, don’t look for just a wag of the finger from Governor Tom Wolfe, look out for him to throw a pair of old skid marked underwear at you.

Didn’t like your State of the Union interrupted? Enjoy Nancy Pelosi yelling “No Donald, you can’t grab my pussy” between every sentence or Elizabeth Warren doing a six month rain dance.

You’ve got two months left to think of all the ways to show how much you don’t like Donald Trump and the Republicans controlling Congress…and all you can do is to show disrespect.