Rox Trash Radio, Ep. 41: Wedding Hangover

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Returning from a wedding in Malvern / Game of Thrones delivers the goods / Erasing men from history / Transgenders in the military / Going deep into the latest trailers / TommyNC2010 has an encounter with a homeless man / Live on FB Live!

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An Open Letter to President Barack Obama

Dear Mr. President,

alexbwYou probably don’t know me. I tried to attend one of your big speeches on your Philadelphia tour. I couldn’t get anywhere near you (or a speaker for that matter) and it took me about an hour to realize that the “line to get in” wasn’t moving.

I know you’re a busy man, so I won’t take up too much of your time. You have a plethora of significant decisions to make, but now that you’ve finally chosen a dog for your daughters, what’s left of the next four years should be a relative “Easy Street.”

It should not be shocking to you that your outgoing and courageous campaign had won over the masses like a Third Grader winning a class election by promising longer recesses, early dismissals, chocolate fountains, and more field trips. Those who actually decided to take you seriously during the campaigning process are now dazed and confused.

Didn’t someone tell me you were pro-gay marriage and probably an Atheist? I know you never said it…but someone sure as shit did.

Your stances on key issues triggered the part of my brain usually reserved for writing in a candidate on Election Day and drove me to cast my one and only vote in your favor. And so far, you’ve been behaving as if you are that Third Grader who bumblefucked his way into power.

You’ve taken very backward and hesitant stances, laughed in the face of your opposition (and supporters), and booked all of your favorite bands to put on private shows for you and your friends.

That’s fucking awesome. That’s what I would’ve done if I were president, for sure.

But I’m not president…and hopefully never will be. I’m not qualified to be president…and hopefully never will be.

While your opposition has repeatedly said that you are unqualified and inexperienced, I simply clapped my hands over my ears and yelled “lalalalala” until Sarah Palin disappeared back into obscurity.

While I make no observable attempts to prove my maturity, I can admit that I thought you would. Obviously, I can not expect every elected official to agree with anything I have to say. I’m politically and historically ignorant, and when compared to the experts you’ve hired to represent your ideals, legally retarded.

That being said, I ask that you rethink your stances on two key elements. Honestly! Only two! I know dick about the economy, so I probably shouldn’t comment. A National Taxless Year may increase spending and channel more into the economy, but I can’t prove that, so I’ll shut the fuck up.

Anyway, on to my two final points and then I’ll let you go. I promise.

Dr. Funke Blew Himself Thrice.
Dr. Funke Blew Himself Thrice.

Point 1: Gay Marriage–I mean, come on. We’ve dug this hole ourselves by making “Marriage” a legal institution, but for fuck’s sake…it’s time to take this issue and make it federal. I’m all for States Rights, but some things shouldn’t be left up to states…things like Slavery, Interracial Marriage, Religion, and Human Rights. These are people. These are adult people. If they can’t get “Married”, no one should be able to.

My idea: Take “Marriage” out of the law books. Not the practice, just the term. Marriage is a religious institution and that’s why these dickwads are preaching the “Marriage is between a Man and a Woman” nonsense. Let people get “Married” in Churches that accept those things and just call the legal documentation a “Civil Union”…for everyone. That way, everyone’s happy. Well, not everyone…but fuck everyone. Do you know how much extra tax money gay weddings could bring to States? I don’t!

But have you seen how much gays spend on ridiculous bullshit? That’s gotta translate into a pricey wedding. And probably an environmentally safe one as well.

You Cant Hold It Back Forever
You Can't Hold It Back Forever

Point 2: Drug ProhibitionEliminate it. All of it. We don’t need new tax laws for it, or any new laws at all…just eliminate the drug prohibition and the failed War on Drugs and grant amnesty to non-violent drug criminals.

If you want, you can bring special laws to Marijuana (along the same lines as alcohol), but that’s not necessary unless you want to generate more tax revenue, which…it seems like everyone is against these days.

My idea: When you have a Q&A, allowing internet-users to submit their questions, don’t blow them off when they ask you about the legalization of marijuana. It’s a legitimate issue; and believe it or not, it doesn’t only appeal to potheads. It’s an issue that many people care about.

Especially those who believe in the kind of freedom that this country is supposed to represent.

If you could take these two things seriously, I think your presidency will be remembered for something more than your race, which, while it is significant, it is overlooked in a country that has had acceptance and political correctness forced down its throat.

Martin Luther King was remembered for the changes he made to this country. No one talks about the fact that he was black these days. It’s irrelevant.

If you, sir, are going to leave a standing legacy, you have to do more than just do something while being black. You need to make a positive difference in the lives of millions of Americans…and make sure it stays that way.

I don’t expect a response. The only contribution I gave to your campaign was giving you my vote.

Please don’t make me sorry that I did.

Alex G.

****************omg****stars**************************************************************asterisk**

davebwSo much for being apolitical.

But from what I understand, for the most part, marriage is the secular term already. matrimony is the Christian term (especially Catholic). So, again for the large part and not entirely, marriage is fine in my mind. But that’s just semantics, and there’s nothing less productive in politics than arguing semantics.

Better still, we should work on making that Super Sudes SuperConstitution, or Super Dudes Letter to the President and People. The Super Dudes Continental Congress. There we go.

Also, I disagree that no one cares that MLK Jr was black. I think that’s still a pretty damned big deal. And I still don’t really think that ALL drugs should be “legal” so much as that drug users shouldn’t be punished at all. And I’m totally in agreement that Barry needs to stop making fun of the people who are asking about it as a legitimate question. He has to remember that HE’S the one who decided on the policy shift about the dispensary raids.  He must have had one of his friends remind him that marijuana policy it too controversial, and not “feel good” enough to follow through.

-dave

50 Things on the Internet You DON’T Need to See!

AlexRecently (and by which I mean Monday), I came across a website that listed 99 Memes that you NEED to see on the internet.

In this article I will pluck 50(that’s right) from things on this list and describle them The first 30 will be the WORST, hopefully saving you the trouble of wasting as much of your life as I did, re-watching most of them, today. FML. The next group of 20 will be the videos that I think are some of the BEST things on the internet.

Maybe if you look through the list you’ll fine things worse than what I chose to include on this list…well, let me know. But for now, this is it…so suck it.

WORST!!!

1. Tranquilized Bear Hits TrampolineThis is one of those America’s Funniest Video moments that no one thinks is funny. You’ve probably seen this on the news. It happens all the time…and you wind up feeling bad for the bear.

2. Scary Maze Prank–This is another one of those videos that would be on America’s Funniest…mostly due to the fact that the show chooses to highlight the mundane and often painful parts of life and just call them “funny.” This kid should’ve kicked whoever did this to him in the sack.

3. Cuppy Cakes SongFat kids are always funny, but this is just annoying and shitty to listen to. Also, this fat ass got to do a talk show circuit…just for being fat and disgusting. Try this when you’re older, kid. No one’s gonna think you’re cute-as-a-button when you’re struggling to breathe.

4. Zero G Dog–A dog struggles with a zero gravity situation. Interesting, but you can watch it for 10 seconds and get the point.

5. Angry German Kid Wants to Play Unreal Tournament–Someone needs to keep this kid away from technology and human beings (anything living) for the rest of his life. Unless this is an act, this kid has some serious fucking problems. It leads me to think: who the shit puts this type of video on the internet? Cruel parents?

6. La Pequena Prohibida–Seriously…what the fuck? Why am I watching this? This can’t be a meme…I don’t want to know anyone who knows what the fuck this is.

7. Kitten Surprise–Kittens playing is always adorable…and then you end it with a surprise. Granted, it was unexpected…but even the kittens are going: “yeah…and?”

8. Best Wedding Toast Ever (Amy’s Song)–This video is waaaay too long. The Best Man (or Maid of Honor) is talented, funny, and clever, but my interest wanes about 10 seconds in.

9. Best Man Trips and Ruins Wedding–Another America’s Funniest Home Video-worthy …thing. I’m still trying to figure out if this is real or not. By real, I mean un-staged. It seems very crisp and very rehearsed. That being said, if it is staged…it’s genius.

10. Techno Viking–There’s nothing to say. It’s a buff guy with a braided beard dancing down the street with other techno-kids. Done.

11. Sneezing Panda–I know, I know…he’s so kyoooooot! I’ve seen this video too many times and it’s really not that great. It takes several views to actually figure out what the fuck just happened. Baby sneezes, mother yelps. Video ends.

12. Monkey Sniffs Finger–If I included the Sneezing Panda, I have to include this as well, regardless of my love of Monkey Humor. A chimp sniffing his finger and falling backwards is only laugh-out-loud funny if you’re Larry the Cable Guy.

13. Dancing Baby–I understand its history…and worth to internet memetics…and Ally McBeal…but…that’s about it.

14. Leeroy Jenkins (Don’t Even Bother Watching)–After reading up on this video, I understand the concept a bit more. However, if you don’t know/like World of Warcraft, you’ll be lost with this video and probably not understand why it exists.

15. Corey Worthington’s Party–Entertaining. It may be a mistake putting it on this list…but, I dunno. You be the judge. A kid’s party gets so out of hand that all of Australia knows about it.

16. Jake E. Lee Guitar Solo–The video is what it sounds like…a guitar solo. Is there anyone who thinks this is good guitar playing? It’s fast and Lee flails around a lot…but…it’s not…GOOD.

17. Tom Cruise Scientology Video–Tom Cruise cements his feet into the Nutty bucket and throws himself into the river of insignificance…but you tend to sound just as crazy when you preach the Gospel, Torah, Qu’ran (sp?) and the like.

18. Don’t Tase Me, Bro!–Everyone’s seen this. Everyone gets it…but maybe you don’t know the full story behind this kid. But, at the same time…does anyone really give a shit?

19. Laughing Baby–One of the worst “baby” videos I’ve ever seen. I don’t understand why this was even on the site. There’s absolutely nothing special about it. There are plenty of cute baby laughing videos…but…it’s as if someone threw a dart at YouTube and put whatever they hit on this list.

20. Leave Britney Alone–Chris Crocker deserves just about every piece of “hate mail” he gets…aside from those regarding his homosexuality. I don’t care if he’s gay, straight, or asexual…he’s fucking annoying and should blip out of existence.

21. Tron GuyThis one may be of some value. Tron Guytalks about Net Neutrality in this video. He uses his own fame to argue for Net Neutrality. I’m torn. I don’t know whether to agree whole-heartily or opt to never have to see this creeper ever again.

22. Drunk Jeff Goldblum–It’s a commercial that’s slowed down half-a-step to make Goldblum appear drunk. It appeared on Attack of the Show. That information itself should prove that it’s probably not even worth watching.

23. Boom Goes the Dynamite–Nothing about this video can’t be gained from watching your local college’s news channel. It is, however, the start of using the phrase “Boom Goes the Dynamite” in a monotonous voice.

24. Lady Punch–…that video where a lady gets socked in the face. Eh.

25. Hampster Dance–This was a big thing when internet garbage was just becoming popular. Annoying as hell. It’s like listening to a ringtone.

26. We Like the Moon–Same as above. If you hate that frog that goes “brrrr-rum-bumbumbumbumbumbumbum”…you’re a rational human being and will likely be annoyed to tears by this video.

27. Pork Chop Sandwiches–I value the G.I. Joe edited clips online. Some of them are hilarious. This video may be the least of them, and I still don’t get what it’s doing on the original list of 99 things…

28. Star Wars Kid–Classic internet meme…but its entertainment value is completely gone.

29. You’re the Man Now, Dog!–This clip itself is irritating beyond the humanly possible, but the site it comes from is one of the best things on the internets.

30. Peanut Butter Jelly Time–Fuck. This. Shit.

BEST!!!

1. Flirting With Magic–Now we get on to the things that I think are hilarious. Old commercials and clips with the bare minimum of production value are always funny. This is no exception.

2. Who Needs a Movie?–Still trying to figure out what the deal with this is. I followed the video to the actual site that these people have and it just seems…odd. I have a feeling that (as with most YouTube gems) this was a serious video at first. When they realized that they can market themselves by being weird and terrible, they took advantage. Just my thoughts…

3. Chad Vader–First off, I love Star Wars, so Star Wars humor wins automatically. Chad Vader is classic internet geek Star Wars humor. But this is for anyone who has any idea who Darth Vader is. The actor who voices/plays Chad Vader was fortunate enough to gain the attention of George Lucas and was cast in the latest Star Wars game: The Force Unleashed.

4. The Pet PenguinNot only is this one of the cutest things I’ve ever seen, but it’s also one of the most intriguing and awesome animal videos ever. This probably rivals Koko the Monkey and whatever else you can think of. Watch this video and then tell me you have a “special” dog or cat.

5. The LandlordFunny or Die usually features some pretty great stuff. They manage to gather independent videos done by some of our favorite actors, directors, etc. that they put together in their spare time. This is one of the better ones.

6. Bill O’Reilly Flips Out–We’ve all seen it…we all quote it. Simple as that. Hilarious.

7. Leprechaun in Alabama–I’d actually never seen this video until now, but I had seen the caracature featured in this segment in various places around the interwebs. Probably the best and funniest news story ever. It proves that all local news sucks ass.

8. Where the Hell is Matt?–Not particularly funny or crazy, it’s just really cool and interesting. It shows extreme dedication. Everyone should wish they could be this dude.

9. Bert and Ernie Rap–I remember my first bored-project at school. It was Brokeback Muppet, featuring (you guessed it!) Bert and Ernie!

10. Winnebago Man–Is it constantly funny to see behind-the-scenes footage of people in advertising or media cursing their asses off in the most trivial situations? Yes. Yes it is.

11. BUT…he’s Gay!–Local news fuck-ups are wonderful. Especially this one.

12. Afro Ninja–This is one of those Star Wars Kid classic internet memes…except this one is actually funny. Here’s a question, if you know (and I don’t feel like Googling it)….is there any connection between THIS and Afro Samurai?

13. Fail Blog–One of the greatest sites on the inter–fuck! I just got Rick Roll’d looking for something on YouTube…(not kidding)

14. Homestar Runner–Probably the greatest and most consistant animated site online. I really haven’t been paying as much attention to it as I used to years ago, but it’s always fun to go back to.

15. Bubb Rubb–This is another one of those terrible local news stories that turned out to be YouTube gold. Woo Woo!

16. Yatta–An old old favorite for me. It doesn’t get much more obscure and strange than this.

17. Charlie Bit Me–And this would be one of those mentioned “baby” videos that actually works and has spread through the web and television community like herpes in New Jersey. Oh, did I say herpes? I meant explosive diarrhea.

18. The Flying Spaghetti MonsterOne small step for man, one giant leap for Creativity and Atheism. Let’s hope this kind of individual awesomeness doesn’t fade away. A challenge to the Creationist Movement couldn’t be more well-done.

19. All Your Base Are Belong to Us–Kinda dumb, but I love it. Engrish always brings warmth to my cold cold heart.

20. Christian the Lion–I’m sorry I ended the list with this, but I needed one more to fill this spot. I’ve never seen this video before today, and now I know why. I can’t honestly say that it’s worth watching, but I thought it was pretty funny and well done. At first glance, it seems like the Penguin video, but I’m fairly certain this lion is trying to tear someone’s throat out.

 

alexG